Unable to get aroused unless Taboo

Hi, I'm new here, so a little information about me to help give background info to my main issue:
1) 19/female.
2) Sexually active with boyfriend of 1 year.
3) Never had had sex before him.
4) Aware of sex and regularly watching porn by age 14
5) Have a very loving and happy relationship with my boyfriend.
6) Well educated, not religious and no authoritarian parents.

I came to these forums for advice on sexual issues and am really embarrassed to talk about it in real life to people. I am a bit worried I may be too graphic or upset someone with my issues so please tell me if I am doing so, I really dont want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Anyway, onto the issue... I have been watching porn from what I believe to be a young age and have gone through phases of gay porn, lesbian porn, straight porn, fetish (domination/submission, sadism/masochism pain, role play, pretty much every thing extreme out there) etc. I never have masturbated much and dont believe i have ever achieved orgasm but used to watch porn obsessively. I no longer watch porn and dont feel the urge to but occassionally indulge in fantasy or online erotic literature.
When I first started having sex, it was exciting and i was able to get aroused but i think it was just because it was "new" and that quickly ended. My boyfriend and I are both open with each other and it's comfortable to be naked and embarrassing etc around each other and he spends a lot of time of foreplay and I think he is very talented. The problem is...I don't get turned on by regular sex. I have to pretend to get wet by using lube on myself before he comes over or if he is in the bathroom, I have to use spit discreetly to aid it and always 'fake' orgasm. I don't think he puts pressure on me to orgasm, but it has been going on too long now to suddenly say i have been lying all this time and haven't orgasmed yet. I have researched into vaginal dryness and am just starting to change my lifestyle (and buy products meant for women on their menopause!) to see if that will help me get wet as i think the pressure of sneaking around with lube all the time may not be helping me get wet!
The thing is, i can occasionally get wet when i have spent time fantasizing about extreme fetish or taboo (dad/daughter incest for example) which i find emotionally hard as i am extremely against any forms of pedophilia or abuse. We have experimented with handcuffs, blindfolds, holding each other down, teasing, orgasm denial etc but only small fold. I manage to get turned on by this when I fantasize in my head about more extreme fetish but this is rare.
Before i had lots of lube, there were a few times where I got to dry and had to tell him to stop. This was all early on in the relationship when I was highly embarrassed. One incident happened when I had sex thinking my period had finished, but it hadn't and I bled on him. I was drunk at the time and ended up lying, saying I had been abused as a child to divert the attention. Im hugely embarrassed of this and now...months on, when we are far closer, i would never have said it to him or to anyone because the lie disgusts me. I just panicked i think but it is too late to tell him it was a lie and i dont think he would believe me if i said it was. This lie has made it easy to get out of sex sometimes when i am too dry. But I dont lie about it anymore, it is a subject left in the past and now I am just struggling with not getting wet.
Basically, do you think i should keep using lubes? go to a doctor? try kinkier things with my boyfriend? and does anyone else have the problem of only being able to be turned on by something taboo and extreme??
i feel really alone.

I have had treatment for depression and family issues in the past and am now off all medication and i believe fully recovered with only a couple of down moments. I just really want to know if i'm alone or how to enjoy 'normal' sex? I just cant get into it.
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Hi, I posted this before but it was my first post and I dont think it went through yet.
A little background info: 19, female, in a very sexually active, healthy and loving relationship with my boyfriend of one year, was a virgin before him, not religious.
Anyway, I was looking to see if anyone out there isn't turned on by 'regular' sex, only taboo? I have been watching porn regularly (phases of gay and lesbian but now am sure i'm straight) since about 12 years old. I have been into very extreme fetishes (BDSM, pain, incest, authoritarian). I was depressed for most of my teenage years and had a 2 month stay in a unit when I was 17, now fully recovered and off medication.
To begin with, sex with my boyfriend was fun and I enjoyed it, I had a high sex drive. But shortly after, that bored me and I found it difficult to get aroused. As it was early in our relationship I was embarrassed and have used lubes secretly before he comes over or when he is in the bathroom to make sex possible and pretend I am enjoying it. I have never had an orgasm through masturbation or sex but fake regularly.
I would class this under a health problem for vaginal dryness and have recently started changing my pill and lifestyle to see if that is the cause of my seemingly-unarousal (as not being wet makes me very stressed and not enjoy sex which i used to love). However, when we use handcuffs/blindfolds/domination/teasing, i can fantasise more extreme in my head (incest often) and get aroused, so i feel this may not be wholly a physical problem, but a mental one too.
I'm hugely embarrassed that sometimes I cant get lube to pretend im wet and when we were first going out and we were drunk, i bled a bit as i wasnt wet and out of embarrassment, i lied and said i was abused as a child (something i feel hugely ashamed of, seeing as i wasnt and i donated and joined survivors of abuse help groups as am strongly against pedophilia and abuse to a huge level). This lie has made it easy to not say the real reason as to why sometimes i cant have sex but i am really ashamed i did it, its just too late to go back and say i lied without ruining a huge portion of our relationship. he never pressures me into sex and we are a very close couple, i just dont know how to address this.
Im hoping it is mostly physical, but i only ever find taboo exciting. I dont know what to do, or if i am alone?

Hello, helloforum. I have nothing to offer accept I do think talking to a professional who is trained to deal with sexual issues may be useful.

Good luck.

I would say something akin to what you have described, is going to be mentally related, as opposed to physical.

Oh and certainly not alone, as I have similar issues, albeit with different 'taboo' arousals...

Hi, helloforum! I understand and relate to what you are talking about. I am old, so I get straight to advice. First, if you are financially able, see a gynecologist about dryness and arousal problems. However, if you do get wet when you fantasize taboo scenes, then it probably isn't a gyn. problem. I am not certain, but I thought almost everyone fantasized about intense perversions in order to be aroused and orgasmic. Maybe it is only those of us who have been very sexual for a long time, and vanilla sex doesn't serve anymore? I began reading and looking at pictures in porn magazines when I was 7. I didn't really know about sex yet, but I found it so stimulating that I soon couldn't stop reading/viewing porn--I was addicted to porn as a young child! Maybe that is why I, too, need taboo to feel aroused. My main advice is this: you MUST learn to masturbate so you can have orgasms. I know I am not supposed to tell people what to do like that, especially in a forum of support. But I can't help it. Orgasm can be a life-saver, and a relationship builder. And you don't want to get to be an aged lady never having had an orgasm. Read books such as For Yourself or Herself or something; read Dr. Ruth; look for help anywhere you can find it because I don't want you to miss out on this! Please do this for yourself; it will be one of the most important things you ever do. I know I sound bossy, but I really care. Sincerely.

Youre not alone and youre not strange. I feel the same way, I think mine stems from sexual abuse and Rape as a child an an adult. I have a very hard time being as they say Vanilla. I need to have BDSM in my sex life or I dont have a sex life. Just another fun thing I am working on! LOL
Hang in there and huggggssss

I spent all of my time from age 13 up until a year ago in D/s relationships. When I entered a relationship with a 'vanilla' guy, I wasn't sure if it would fulfill the needs I had... But over the years, I understand much about the psychological aspects that underlie such fascinations. Even the ones I may not have, myself.
Being submissive is about being firced to relax, to let go on control & being sure that someone else will take your reigns. Daddy/daughter roles often come from a need for strong nurturing & to have someone to shape your life and/or mind, or to simply be treasured. Even desiring to be hurt or choked has a lot to do with a need for the endorphin rush or to feel powerless, perhaps because you are taking on too much in your "regular" life.
The only things I can suggest are:
1. Out yourself to your boyfriend, because nothing will ever get solved without being honest about your difficulties. If you want to make it easier, say that he arouses you almost to the point of orgasm but you don't think you've had a TRUE orgasm... That way he won't feel inadequate. But once I admitted my proclivities to my current boyfriend/fiancee, I soon found out that I wasn't alone! Granted, I no longer have to subscribe to a role, but if I need something more intense I don't have to feel misunderstood.
2. Really try to reevaluate why you love this person or why you are in a relationship with him. Are you genuinely fulfilled by everything about him, or are there certain things he is not doing for you? Do you possibly feel like he falls short in another area of intimacy to where you cannot orgasm without aid from taboo, which often symbolizes deep psychological needs?
If you find the core & he cannot fulfill that hole (giggity), perhaps you need to consider therapy or another relationship entirely. Perhaps with someone who shares your tastes!! Just be careful, because some Doms or sadists are in it for entirely wrong reasons...
3. Do a sex addiction evaluation. Some people find that when their desires become unrealistic & overcontrolling to where they cannot function in relationships, it is often a sex addiction.

Hi, I understand what u mean about the taboo part. I began having sex at a much younger age than you at 13yrs old, and true, I was technically a kid, but I knew exactly what I was doing, all the possible consequences, etc. I bled my first time, and we even had to stop because I was extra "new". I couldn't even imagine what it felt like to orgasm, but I had so much fun during sex. When I had a steady boyfriend who I adored, I finally realized what it felt like. You usually will feel yourself clench up, and it won't be you making it clench. It gets a mind of its own, and I was so confused and embarrassed because my body was moving on its own and I felt like the most indescribable wave of ecstasy. Best feeling in the entire world.
Now, what I say next, is of course, my personal opinion, so it may or may not apply to u, but your post gave me the feeling that this guy isn't exactly as freaky as u want him to be in bed. True, he does some things with you, but he doesn't satisfy you sexually. I'm glad I'm 31 now and know myself better because it is very hard to tell if it's you or him. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but when I started feeling like my ex didn't care about me the way I did him, I could never come anymore unless I thought of something else.
Anyway, I found a guy who told all these taboo stories, and he wasn't ashamed or worried about what I would think. I could come for weeks off of the same thought, but then I'd need something new. I started needing "stories" of forbidden sex, and after him, the guys I was with just bored me. I've noticed, tho, that when I'm really into a guy, I can come. Sometimes my body realizes I'm not happy in a relationship before I do...can't get wet, no orgasm.
One more thing, these are my tips for making yourself have an orgasm...or 16 orgasms in a row on a good day. I had been playing with myself and having sex since middle school, I probably had 3 orgasms in that whole time, and I used to try so hard to give myself one, but it never happened until college. So here's what worked for me: First, stick one or 2 fingers inside yourself, and move slowly around every part of you inside and out. Use lube if u need it. No big deal. I never orgasm from the same exact place, so I feel around and think of whatever the hot fantasy of the moment is. It's hard to do if you're worried and stressed, just try your best to relax. Usually, one spot will start to tingle every time you touch it. One day I realized that the reason I couldn't come was that every time I found that spot, it was so intense, I would move my fingers somewhere else. It just felt too good, plus my body was getting weaker and weaker as the blood kept flowing to "that area", so I would always stop. Sometimes, I have to literally say out loud, "Don't move, u better stay right there, don't get scared. Take it" Then my eyes roll back in my head, I can't complete a sentence, and I no longer care if anyone hears me moaning. In fact, that turns me on more to think that someone's listening. Just be careful that you have these fantasies because there's a VERY thin line between fantasizing about something you would never ever do in real life and actually doing it. Watch your impulsiveness.
Finally, another option is that you're still rather new to the sex thing. True, you've watched porn, but you're not used to saying what you want. If your boyfriend is doing something that's not working for you, if you want him to be more rough, tell him. If he's trying to please you but doesn't know what will work, just grab his hand or mouth or whatever you want and take it and do what u want him to do. Guys don't mind. Especially, if they make you orgasm. Good luck, girl, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

First of all, I think you need to realize that a woman's body only produces 3-5 drops of lubrication during sex, and usually that's only in the beginning. No more. So no need to feel so worried or pressured when it comes to your wetness, just keep a bottle of lube by your bedside and let your bf know why. Women also self-lubricate sometimes the way men can get erections: very randomly, and outside sexual situations altogether.
So if we think to ourselves that if we're not lubricating enough, it's because we're not normal, or our partner isn't sexy enough, that's flawed thinking.
(I personally recommend Liquid Silk, O My, Pink, or the more common Astroglide. Do not go for numbing or warming lubricants.)

As others have said, don't be afraid to explore your own body and learn what makes you feel good. That way, you can show your partner just what you like and how you like it. Open up to him about your fantasies and let him know that there are some things you want to try and be sure not to judge him if he may not be ready to try some things yet.

On the orgasm issue, I'd like to point out to the user shipping that yes, you can grow old and still never have an orgasm. It's not unheard of. My own aunt is in her late 50s with 3 children and is only just recently discovering the joy of orgasms.

Sex during your period is also not a terrible thing. It can even help relieve some of the pain you may experience during your period.

Please, don't feel so terrible about all of these things. They are perfectly normal and are common occurrences in most people's sex lives. If you continue to have these problems, I think it would be wise to seek the help of a professional sex therapist who can more easily calm your fears and help you come to understand your body and reactions to sex.

Hi not sure it this will apply to you, but it's something to consider. I didn't realise for a couple of years that i had an allergy to latex. Most condoms, lots of womens sex toys and indeed some lubes are latex based. The results of my allergy left me very dry and painful and i didn't get wet very easily either. And of course it could be a sensitivity to bath product etc

Being submissive is about being firced to relax, to let go on control & being sure that someone else will take your reigns. Daddy/daughter roles often come from a need for strong nurturing & to have someone to shape your life and/or mind, or to simply be treasured. Even desiring to be hurt or choked has a lot to do with a need for the endorphin rush or to feel powerless, perhaps because you are taking on too much in your "regular" life.

Where did u get this information?

Hi there.

A lot of great advice has already been offered, and I hope you take it to heart. I do hope you'll consider talking to both your Gyn and a T if you can. No point in ruling out either. I personally didn't know that women produced only that much lubrication naturally (thanks Helpme!), so I think telling your BF that and keeping some lubricant nearby would be just fine. My best friend has a bottle of KY on his nightstand at all times for his partner, among other things (I NEVER pass up the opportunity to tease him about his "collection" ).

To clarify, you said you were watching porn regularly by 14, but were you before then? Was your introduction to sex the typical "birds and bees" or the more...outlandish variety, so to speak? I ask because I wonder that if you were introduced to sex on a more "extreme" type than normal sex, you might have mentally "set the bar" there, and "plain Jane sex" simply won't cut it from a mental standpoint. That is where I'd recommend a therapist.

But before a therapist, I'd recommend being honest with your bf. If he knew what you were into, it might help him help you, so to speak. I do think it'd be best if a little painful to tell him about the time you were on your period. Tell him you feel bad about the lie, and that you simply panicked, and didn't know how to get out of it (and that you were drunk, which makes otherwise bad ideas seem like good ideas at the time). I'm not sure how to handle the subsequent use of the lie to get out of sex...I'd perhaps explain (in no uncertain terms) that sex while you are dry is very painful (or at least I would imagine it to be), and that you were worried that you would upset him, and that the fib was an easy crutch to fall back on to get out of it without hurting him. I think he'll understand if you convey how you feel about it, and how painful a situation this is to you emotionally. I'm not sure if it's necessary to tell him you've NEVER orgasmed EVER...but that's up to you. You can convey that you're having problems with sexual gratification without that detail, I should think.

Continuing with the honesty, would your bf be willing to indulge in any of your fantasies, do you think? As long as they aren't anything physically dangerous, I don't think there's a problem. I'd beg you to relax as far as feeling bad about the taboo fetishes...a lot of people have them, myself included to some extents, and as long as it's a fantasy/erotic literature and not reality, it's okay. The fact you DO feel a little guilt at thinking about it indicate a healthy moral compass, and you shouldn't worry.

It might be a site no no, but I'd echo the advice given that you need to learn yourself. Masturbation is a great way to do so, and in your case, I'd recommend it. You sound uncertain as to whether or not you've actually climaxed...I can't really help you there as to what to expect (I'm a male ), but when you know, you'll know.

If I can be of any further help, please don't hesitate to PM me. Please take care, and my best to you.

So I've been searching for a topic like this. I was sexually abused until age 12 and now 30+years later I find myself fantasizing about what happened and how incredibly hot I get when 'reliving ' it. After masturbating to these fantasies I feel a great deal of shame. But I'm so horny all the time and it keeps entering my mind. I read stories online about fathers touching their daughters especially while they're sleeping or masturbating on them. None of this seems normal to me and idk why it's happening after over 30 years later. I can't get turned on unless I think about it. I just want to touch my clit til I cum. I don't enjoy sex with my husband. Just playing with myself. Why? Someone help please!