i need help trying to change my sexual behavior

hi. i am seeking support; any that you can provide would be helpful.

i am a survivor of emotional CSA; it has caused me to give up on a love life. however, by doing so, i have ended up very depressed and friendless. my problems have also made it difficult to keep a job since it affects my interpersonal relationships. i have always been a mopey person and the abuse has left me with anger issues.

my T would like me to change my behavior but it is really deep-seated. the T wants me to have sex even if it is casual, something that i felt never met my emotional needs. the T says that any sex would be an improvement. i understand their point but, so far, have not been able to bring myself to go out and play.

psychologically, it is very complex for me. my mother raised me to be her caretaker. i had no playmates and no toys. she told me at a young age that love was not important; there were no hugs - she told me they were not necessary and she did not believe in them. i was raised isolated from the rest of the world and instructed to be obedient. i was obedient, too much so.

as a gay man, i was an effiminate child. to remedy this, mom tried to toughen me up. basically, what this did was teach me to dislike myself. today, i am not effiminate but i am also miserable. i do not feel comfortable with others who are and i have tried to live a loveless life because of my background and because i cannot come to terms with being gay. i am not very good at sex because i have mixed feelings about it. i have done a lot of volunteer work in the gay community but do not feel comfortable in it and do not fit in; i also do not find acceptance there. changing sexuality is not an option; my research on reparative therapy is that it is harmful and does not work. i have no sexual attraction to women.

i need to start dating and i desperately need to make friends and find a new career. i am seeing my T twice a week. still, i am reluctant to change since my experiences have been so bad. when dating, i get very panicked. i was never encouraged to date. i never received any dating advice (nor did my siblings). i tend to panic and say the wrong things when on a date. also, dating brings up deep feelings of hurt because it makes me realize the extent of the damage by my emotionally cold and abusing mother and neglectful father. the hurt is very, very deep. i never bonded with either parent in a loving way. my inner child is so damaged; how can you date if you don't know how to have fun and are exceedingly nervous and insecure?

does anyone else have a similar background? if you have some advice that would facilitate making changes, it would be appreciated. thanks.

I'm so sorry you had such a tough time growing up. If you're not feeling comfortable with your therapist, maybe it's time for a new one? I can't believe he/she would tell you to go out and sleep around. That is both emotionally and physically harmful...and you are fine just the way you are. Don't even think about trying to force yourself to be attracted to women. You are who you are, and you should embrace it. I really need to practice what I preach Stay strong, and remember...you've gotta breathe through it.

I am glad you posted. I think your T is very wrong about just going out and having sex. Actually, dating might not be the answer right now, either. I think that starting out with a friend or two might help the most. If there is something you are interested in(hobby of some sort), maybe you could see if you could find an interest group, either within or outside of the gay community. You could also see if there might be some type of support group you would be interested in trying, just to have support as a person. Although I think I am identifying as a straight, single female(I struggled with thinking that I might be a lesbian), I never bonded with my father emotionally and was scared of dating men. I've never been on more than one date with a guy in my entire life and I am now in my early 40s. I decided to become involved in community theater because I like plays and I also joined a support group. If you could start very simply, that would help your fears. If you don't find yourself attracted to women, then that is the way you were born and there is nothing wrong with that. I have many gay male friends who found support with each other(no dating) and just hung out to go to the movies, see a play, etc... I hope this helps.

Butterflies Are Free & Gr8ce - thanks for your supportive and helpful comments. They really mean a lot. I met with my T today and discussed some really heavy issues. He would like to increase my sessions from 2 to 3 times a week to work on my social anxiety issues. Based on an article I saw here on PC's home page, I attended my first SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anon) meeting last night. The article identified how "giving up (sexuality) in order to avoid dating and intimacy" actually fell into the category of sexual compulsion. I found a beginners meeting for gay men; it was not easy to sit through but I made it and (hopefully) will try it again next week. My issue is sexual anexoria. I discussed it briefly with a member of the new member welcoming committee. He told me that there were other sexual anexoretics there though they are few in number; I was assured that I was welcome and in the right place. The meeting was intimidating - there were nearly 50 people there. Some of the most handsome guys I'd ever seen were there. There were guys of all ages. After the meeting, I did not feel well enough to do fellowship - maybe next week. They say that one should attend 6 meetings in order to determine if the program is right for you. Part of me feels good for trying; the other part feels like it has no idea what it's doing. I may be better off trying to take up new hobbies and meeting people that way as that would, at least, permit me to date some of them. There is a gay pool club that I might look into. I have been hesitant to get involved because I am not a bar person (as an epileptic, I cannot drink alcohol) but it seems like a relaxing activity with down to earth people. It does not excite me much but it would be a start. I will look into it. Thanks again for your support - it means a lot.

Unhappyguy, anytime. I think that you should do what feels best for you. I can understand how giving up your sexuality would be a way to avoid intimacy and dating. Been there...but I pretty much had lots of sex, but felt nothing a few years ago when I was single. Neither one really feels all that great.
Anyway. Good for you for going to the meeting. It's a step, right? And you need to do what feels right for you, if you really feel like you can't make it through 6 meetings, that's ok. But give it a shot, you might even meet one of those handsome men, you guys might have a lot in common! And good luck with the pool club, don't worry about not drinking. I don't drink very much at all, and I used to feel like people were looking at me funny when I would go out and only have 1 drink. Then I stopped caring, because I'm not the one that's going to have a hangover the next day. Worry about YOU, and take good care of yourself. Do what feels right, and makes you happy. Pay attention to the way you respond to the people and situations around you. You'll find what you're looking for.

I think it was great that you attended the meeting and like the idea of you trying it just a few more times. Patrick Carnes has written a great book called, "Sexual Anorexia"(I think - if not, just google his name online) - I read it through 2x a few years back because I, too, am a sexual anorexic. I agree that the bar scene might not be the best place for you, but joining a hobby group might be fun. I went online and checkout out a website called Meetup.com - you can type in any type of interest you have and see if other people near you have the same interests. It is not a dating site. Please don't give up on the support group just yet - I know it is hard but sometimes, being with people who understand a little bit of what you may be going through can be very healing. I see my therapist 3x a week right now and even though it may seem like a lot, it has saved my life many times. I have learned to be more authentic, worked on my fear/shame around issues of sex/intimacy/men, learned that there is nothing "wrong" with me, had the caring support of my therapist(she is also a CSA survivor), and learned that my sexual feelings are not bad or weird. It has been so healing to be able to work through these issues with someone I really trust.
I hope that as you increase the number of sessions with your therapist, you begin to see how wonderful you really are. I have a pretty strong faith and I do believe in God. I know that I will continue to find healing because I want that for myself. I think you will continue to find healing because you also want that for yourself. I am so sorry about what you had to go through as a child but am glad you found this forum because now you know you are not alone(now I know this, too - you are the first sexual anorexic I have ever spoken to and I am so glad you had the courage to be so honest!). Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!

I continue to study the changes needed to cure my sexual anorexia addiction. The personal changes I will have to make are huge. I am going to SLAA meetings; there are few people there who are sexually anorexic (or, if like me, they just don't speak up). But, I continue to go. It will be a total life change. I must discard almost everything I have learned. I have to change my unconscious, knee-jerk reactions to things. I have to start totally anew, giving up most of what my parents taught me. I do not relish the internal battle of correcting myself repeatedly. All I can trust is that what I learned previously was wrong. I feel that I am walking on thin ice and am afraid to break through. Still, breaking through is what I need to do and the water will be very cold. And, I must immediately swim in that frigid water with the prayer that it will shock my soul and warm my heart to open to others. The rocky foundation that I learned before I could even talk is a false road; it leads to no where; it leads to an empty life. I cannot jump and hold my breath; instead I must dive in and breathe. I must do things that are natural but do not feel natural. My subconscious and muscles must unlearn and forget almost everything in their memory. And, I must rebirth myself yet somehow be the same person only different. I cannot worry if I have the confidence to do this. Worrying is a self-defeating luxury I cannot permit myself. Yet, it's not a matter of "just do it" either. I have to be careful and thoughtful and gentle with myself; and I must change without feeling defeated or resentful or bitter. I must set a goal that sleeping alone with my head on a pillow every night is not satisfactory; and that sleep is more than recovery from the exhaustion of daily mental strain from living an unworkable life. Being alone is all I've ever known since I was a child and I have to say goodbye to the false feeling of comfort it has given me. Bye-bye old friend and hello to new ones, whomever and whatever they may be.

I liked your post. I found that for myself, opening up to friends first was much easier that feeling as though I had to start with being in a relationship. Although relationships can be wonderful, having close friends who offer you support can help just as much.
Starting small and working up to bigger things is a great idea!