[LateBloomer45]

Hi... Bottom line is that I'm not sexually attracted to husband anymore... but I do want to have sex. To explain from beginning, been married 17 years, together 21. Hubby is my one and only sex partner. Did some fooling around in college, but extremely limited. I have 3 sisters, but came from family that didn't talk about anything, raised to be a 'good girl' that never caused problems. Very smart, but also very shy and insecure - so still incredibly naive when getting to college. Always afraid of doing something 'wrong'. Had very negative experience freshman year that made me even more skittish. Didn't really grow into myself until semester abroad, then had difficult transition back until I leveled out again after graduation and started professional career. But still had not ever 'dated', and still skittish around guys due to self-esteem issues, but faked confidence pretty well as long as no one tried to call my bluff. Had friends, and met hubby through them. He was still dating his college love - his only experience (and hers) - so I was comfortable around him since I wasn't worried about him liking me 'that way'. We hung out a lot, they broke up and things fell into place. We had similar upbringings, values, and he did not intimidate me at all - I didn't have to worry about him pushing me or pressuring me, and we eventually did have sex - I had just turned 25. Fast forward 3 kids - I'd get pregnant first month trying, not much sex while pregnant, or after... Then lost my job and now home full-time with 3 kids under six - burned out from high pressure job, started anti-depressants, and lost touch as a couple. I'd bring it up as issue - no longer felt like a couple - and didn't get sense that hubby saw it as issue. He started hanging out with younger single crowd from work, including one girl in particular, until I made it another issue, and he cut back there. So now years of being unhappy, rating less than anybody else it seemed, and again not feeling that he saw it as an issue. Don't think we had sex for a year. Then I started playing a game online where you can exchange messages with other players... Also started a medicine for ADD, which said 'decrease sex drive' but actually put it in overdrive. Talked with one guy offline for fantasy sex - his term - and I asked questions to learn how to put spark back in marriage. Made date with hubby for sex, and I found it disappointing. I had always had problems getting aroused with him, but thought that was just the way it was for everyone... But now I'd get more wet from a steamy text from a stranger than I ever had with hubby. I chatted with a different guy, and he boosted my self-esteem and helped me see myself as sexy and challenged me to step outside my comfort zone - all very positive things. Then hubby finds out, and suddenly I mean the world to him... We have 'let's work on this' sex, and he thought it rocked the world...and I was unmoved. Then I couldn't even kiss him - hug okay, but nothing more - it was almost repulsive. I called a halt to physical until we could reestablish an emotional connection... And other aspects have improved. But after a lot of soul searching, I think I married him because he DIDN'T arouse strong emotion in me - I'd never feel out of control. But now I want that, but the thought of him being more assertive would make me laugh - I just don't see him that way anymore... He's a wonderful person and father - a great companion... But I don't want to have sex with him. I still keep in contact with one guy from the game - and I feel attracted there... So it's not that I don't have a sex drive... I feel like I just want to have sex with someone who knows what they are doing, just so I KNOW... and then maybe that could be brought back into marriage? I don't want to hurt hubby's feelings more than I already have...

[LateBloomer45]

Goodness - didn't realize I had written a book! I'm going to try to condense it some...For full detail, read the first post.
Bottom line is that I'm not sexually attracted to husband anymore... but I do want to have sex.

Hubby is my one and only sex partner, and not until I was 25.

Grew up very smart, shy and insecure - so still incredibly naive in college. Skittish around guys from low self-esteem.

Finally grew into myself with semester abroad, then starting professional career. But still hadn't 'dated'.

Met hubby and he was 'safe' - still dating his college love - his only experience (and hers) - so I was comfortable around him since I wasn't worried about him liking me 'that way'. We became friends, they broke up, so we dated.

We had similar upbringings, values, and he did not intimidate me at all - I didn't have to worry about him pushing me or pressuring me, and we eventually did have sex, then married.

Not a lot of sex in marriage - long periods of no sex due to pregnancies, recovery, busy life, etc. Usually had trouble getting aroused, but thought that was how it was for everybody.

Then lost my job, started anti-depressants, and lost touch as a couple. We started living like roommates. I tried to highlight it as a problem, but didn't get sense that hubby saw it as an issue. We had hadn't had sex in a year or longer.

I started playing a game online and connected with other people. Also started a medicine for ADD, which said 'decrease sex drive' but actually put it in overdrive. Talked with one guy offline for fantasy sex - his term - and realized that I'd get more wet from a steamy text from a stranger than I ever had with hubby.

I chatted with a different guy, and he boosted my self-esteem and helped me see myself as sexy, and he challenged me to step outside my comfort zone - all very positive things.

Then hubby finds out, and suddenly I mean the world to him... We have 'let's work on this' sex, and he thought it rocked the world...and I was unmoved. Then I couldn't even kiss him - hug okay, but nothing more - it was almost repulsive. I called a halt to physical until we could reestablish an emotional connection... And other aspects have improved.

But after a lot of soul searching, I think I married him because he DIDN'T arouse strong emotion in me - I'd never feel out of control. But now I want that...and it's not him.

He's a wonderful person and father - a great companion... But I don't want to have sex with him. I still keep in contact with one guy from the game - and I feel attracted there... So it's not that I'm lacking a sex drive... I feel like I just want to have sex with someone who knows what they are doing, just so I KNOW... and then maybe that could be brought back into marriage? I don't want to hurt hubby's feelings more than I already have...

[CantExplain]

It looks to me that you still love your husband, but I'm not nearly so sure he loves you. What do you think?

[odoyle]

How would you feel if your husband had sex with that younger, single girl from work?

[LateBloomer45]

Yes, he loves me, he told me I'm the only one he wants, the only one he has ever wanted to have sex with...
I do love him - but as companion, not as lover. if he found happiness elsewhere, I'd be happy for him. I might be jealous that he had a lover and I didn't, but I wouldn't want to be that person.
Had he been unfaithful during that time that I felt 'in love' with him, I would have been devastated.
Now that I just love him, but don't feel 'in love', my feelings are different.
I believe now that I've felt true desire for another - or just lust? - I've realized that what I've always felt for hubby is affection - not passion. And if I can't even kiss him anymore, is it possible to create passion if that basic attraction isn't there?
I needed safe then. I feel I've grown as a person and as a woman, and want more now. It's not his fault - we'd still be great roommates. But if he wants more from me, but I don't feel that for him, that's not fair either.
I wish I had at least one other experience for comparison - maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking I want more... I just don't KNOW...

[RomanSunburn]

CantExplain, I think I actually thought the complete opposite of what you did...

LateBloomer, here's my question for you.. What do you want? Do you want to feel passion and be in love with your husband again? Because, personally, I believe if you want it, then you can get it back. It would be work, sure, but I think it's do-able. But if you don't want it, then, honestly, I'm not really sure what the next step would be, other than to figure out what you do want. I wonder if this is something a therapist could help you figure out? The reason I suggest this is because if you discuss something prematurely with your husband (ie, you discuss an open marriage, but then later change your mind and decide you want to stay with him and just him, the idea of you wanting other people might hurt him too much to make him feel like he could stay in the relationship to make it work himself). A therapist is a good third party sounding board to help you figure out what you really want. Also, I think journaling is another good way to figure out what you really want. Then once you figure out what you do want, and what you think the steps to make that happen would be, you could discuss with your husband the role he can play in that.

I guess, really, I'm not sure what you're looking for from us... We can't really tell you what to do or what not to do. We also can't give you permission for something (if that's what you're looking for). You have to figure out what is right for you.

Good luck!

[likewater]

Latebloomer, being depressed and tired sure make it difficult to feel sexual. Also lots of anti depressants can take away sex drive. I
have a lot of fears and phobias with sex. So i started reading Sexual Healing by Barbara Keesling. She has some nonthreatening
activities that can bring you closer. Also lots of info about various issues. What interested me the most is tantric sex. I've been
reading about it. It' s a very different way of viewing sex. Sex is viewed as much more sacred. In some of the reading it said many people had never been touched before without some expectation, but if you and your partner touch without expectations just to be totally in the moment and enjoy the sensations , it' s a completely different experience.

[likewater]

Oh i just read the rest i dont know how i missed it. So good for you! You have a sex drive. Yay. So, if you love hubby and just want some hot sex with him, easy breezy take him to sex therapist with you asap.

[Yoda]

Hello latebloomer,

Here is a link about relationships that says it better than I can. It speaks from a Buddhist view but I don't think it is limited.

The link keeps timing out. Psychcentral linked me to beliefnet where I found this.

There are four basic dynamics which are essential to create this wonderful relationship that most people dream of.

Commitment to Love and to Grow in Love
Many people wrongly assume that their love would always flow beautifully if they would only meet the right person and that their more negative and selfish sides will only surface if their partner suddenly becomes difficult or boring. The truth is that our love will only be as strong as our commitment to always regard the needs of our partner as important as our own. Not more important and not less – just as important.

The Law of an Even Deal
Unfortunately, a commitment to love alone – beautiful as it is – is not enough. There are a huge number of people who are very devoted to their partners and still their relationships are very unhappy because their love and dedication is not reciprocated. The law of an even deal says that all giving and taking in a relationship must roughly amount to an even deal if both partners are to feel satisfied. This really is common sense but many women still get the rough end when it comes to distributing the chores and family duties. Unconsciously they have allowed the law of an even deal to become uneven by being too submissive or too forgiving.

Many people do not like the thought of an even deal in a romantic relationship because it feels too calculating. However, after many years of working as a psychotherapist with people who have relationship problems I have to say: If we want a great relationship we can’t afford the law of an even deal to go out of balance from the very first moment when we meet a potential partner. This is particularly important for women who have a tendency to disregard the law of an even deal to their own disadvantage.

Harmonious and Erotic Patterns Between Female and Male Energies
Now we have love and equality but what about romance? Romance and erotic energy work best if a woman enjoys her femininity and a man enjoys his masculinity. Then both partners can start the romantic and erotic dance that is possible only if two people are delightfully different. The archetypal romantic gesture is when the male gives to the female and if the female receives gracefully. This is not an attack on the victories of feminism but simply appreciates what most people find romantically and erotically fulfilling.

The Unavoidable Merging-Process Between Two People in a Sexual Relationship
Many people do not realise just how much two partners can hold each other back in their overall happiness. Being in a sexual relationship is like sitting in one emotional boat where you can only float or sink together. Unfortunately, it is the partner who is more unloving who will determine the overall atmosphere of a couple. This is due to the fact that negative emotions are more dominant than positive ones.

Soulmates have agreed to follow the advice of the happier and wiser partner (who is in this role may often change) so that the couple as a whole can develop in amazing leaps and starts and bring wonderful things to the world.
In my work as a counselor I have found that every problem in a relationship can be traced back to violating one of these four basic dynamics. On the other hand, if these areas of a relationship are positively in place both people will be very happy.

[LateBloomer45]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

LateBloomer, here's my question for you.. What do you want? Do you want to feel passion and be in love with your husband again? Because, personally, I believe if you want it, then you can get it back. It would be work, sure, but I think it's do-able.

I think I'm questioning if I EVER felt passion for husband... I was so skittish back then that I was only comfortable because I did NOT feel passion. Yes, we'd have sex - but unless I was reading some steamy text in a novel and already 'ready', getting wet was always an issue - but not knowing any better, thought that was just how it was.
I never knew that thinking of a person could make you feel tingly, or something suggestive they said could make you get wet or feel impatient to get alone with them...
But now I have felt that...but never with him... So I think my question is - can I create that type of attraction if I don't naturally feel it? Or is it true that u can have a best friend, try being lovers, but realize you are better as best friends?

[likewater]

That's a good question. It's obvious you love your husband. I highly recommend you two try sex therapy and you can explore those issues. I had a really similar experience with my first husband. I was unable to have sex with him, he went to jail, and unfortunately i was attracted to my boss. While my husband was in jail, i had an affair with my boss. My boss was obviously using me. I felt incrdibly guilty. I left my husband and my womanizing boss. Confessed to my husband but couldnt bring myself to go back to him. Whole experience broke me. Later my former husband touched me and it was electric. Said he learned how to massage. My point is, i believe you can be spared the pain i went through.either you can find passion through therapy with ypur husband or you dont and
Can properly separate from him before experimenting with another partner.

[LateBloomer45]

Thank you for the advice. I've talked it through more, and feel the real issue is that I don't respect my husband as a man... I've always been stronger, and although i needed passive before, now I've grown even more, and I'm tired of being mom to three kids AND him... I need a partner, not another child. I think the sex issue is just a symptom of the larger problem - I want him to grow up and be an equal, then we can work on the marriage. But not sure how to make that happen either...

[likewater]

Wow. I totally hear you. What's funny is i had a somewhat similar relationship with my first husand. He was more like a child or a pesky little brother in some areas. In other areas he parented me. It was a terribly codependent relationship. My situation maybe could gave been healed and rectified with hard work and a good marriage counselor maybe, buu now i'll never know. The guil
t of how i hurt my first husband was devastating. I just wanted to spare you from that. Only you can decide what you are willing to do. If you want to leave, leave. You know in your heart if there is something salvagable. If you want to see if you can make it work, try
therapy. I wush you and your family all the best.