[hairstory]

I am a gay man in my 30's, married to a man 10 years older than myself. About 4 years ago I realized that I have an orientation to kink and fetish. During the past 4 years my attraction to kink and fetish has grown stronger, so I definitely don't think it's a 'phase'.

Particularly I am into fisting, large toys, and leather. My partner has told me already many times that he thinks my fetishes are 'disgusting, dangerous, perverted, and unnatural'. I have been watching pornography to live out my fantasies. Because he has told me many times "he wants absolutely nothing to do" with these fetishes. Yet at the same time he becomes very very angry with me when I watch pornography......or even when he knows that I've been masterbating at all. Because of our diverging sexual interests we rarely have sex ourselves anymore. 'vanilla' sex just doesn't do anything for me now.

Since he is the ONLY sexual partner I've ever had......and we seem to have come to such a roadblock.......i have intense desires to have sex with other men. For the past 4 years I have just felt like a disgusting, disturbed and worthless person because I can't control my sexuality. I don't know what to do!!!! I have tried so hard to be 'normal ' and ignore my sexuality... Even trying to force myself to be asexual (which was impossible to do). I have absolutely No one in my life to discuss this with!!

Please does anyone have any words of hope, advice, or optimism for me??? I'm running on empty.....sexuality speaking!!!

[hairstory]

I also wanted to know......could this be caused by the fact that I am a CSA survivor??? maybe the things that happened to me as a child made me this way????

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC - normally my advice on fetishes is....as long as there's no danger and it doesn't affect your life/ ability to be happy...then its fine. I agree with your partner that 'fisting' can be dangerous for women or men. If you google it, wikepedia comes up but I can't post it here because of the pics. This can cause an air embolism in women, if done vaginally and internal injury anally for men or women. Are you interested in receiving or doing this to your partner?? Do you want to dress in leather or is leather involved with something else? Are you into S&M or for this purely for pleasure.

The best option is to educate yourself, because the fisting really can be dangerous and to find a therapist who understands your situation. Remember what you see in porn doesn't accurately show the down side to this. I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted as a child and recommend speaking with a therapist, as to how this relates to the fetishes. Perhaps you and your partner can spice things up without involving this and I hope you both can work this out.

*Information tidbit: even though this doesn't apply to you - if a person blows air into the vagina, this can also cause an air embolism and death.)

Have you considered relationship / couples counseling? I am gay but am not into fetishes. As mentioned previously, fisting is dangerous for the receptive partner.

I do think that these fantasies are related to CSA because some of these sexual fetishes are very depersonalized in nature - where YOU the person are secondary to the acts. Also, some of them involve pain which may be how you subconsciously view sex being a CSA survivor. You have only watched these acts and have not participated in them. So, there is a chance that you may not actually like them if you decide to go ahead and try them. Some things are very hot to watch but not to experience. Also, they strike me as being loveless in nature.

I don't know if I've answered your questions but have tried to shed some light on things. All the best to you!

[lynn P.]

I think you're correct unhappyguy, about the SA having something to do with the fetish - being forced into an uncomfortable situation. I changed my post after considering yours.

i am now blind...lynn p next time you warn me about going to the google thing ok..smoke done come out of my computer monitor!

i done changed my eyeballs after reading yours.

sorry am now stepping quietly back out of the forum back to where i usually wander...

[hairstory]

Thanks Stumpy, lynn p, and unhappyguy for your responses! Regarding the fisting I am more aroused by watching, much less by the thought of actually participating. I have never actually done this. I appreciate your insight and I am definitely inclined to agree with you regarding the 'depersonalization'. Regarding the leather....i am just aroused by the feel of it, the smell of it and the 'masculinity' of it.....which is harmless it seems. It's funny though 'cause I don't have any previous experiences that would've drawn me to leather (that I know of). Don't most fetishes stem from some earlier experience that triggered arousal? I want to talk with my T about this but I just started and right now things are going so brutally slow......

[LiteraryLark]

Hi, have you ever thought about paying a visit to a professional dominatrix? I know there are tons in the San Fran area, but I am sure there are some where you live, you just have to dig a little deeper into it. A professional dominatrix is discreet, anonymous, safe, will do whatever you tell them to do, and it is not considered cheating on your partner. Of course, this is something you should not tell your partner due to your partner's lack of understanding. There are some things you just don't tell your partner if there is no way around it.

As for toys, boy do I have a surprise for you!!! My local sex shop has everything from fake fists to wall mounts to GIANT toys! Personally I like to explore my sexual fanstasies and I use a vibrating life-like dildo for everything, and I mean everything. Go out and buy your own toy and use it on yourself. It does feel really good, especially when you buy two and do double penetration.

Hope this helps

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

Hi, have you ever thought about paying a visit to a professional dominatrix? I know there are tons in the San Fran area, but I am sure there are some where you live, you just have to dig a little deeper into it. A professional dominatrix is discreet, anonymous, safe, will do whatever you tell them to do, and it is not considered cheating on your partner. Of course, this is something you should not tell your partner due to your partner's lack of understanding. There are some things you just don't tell your partner if there is no way around it.

As for toys, boy do I have a surprise for you!!! My local sex shop has everything from fake fists to wall mounts to GIANT toys! Personally I like to explore my sexual fanstasies and I use a vibrating life-like dildo for everything, and I mean everything. Go out and buy your own toy and use it on yourself. It does feel really good, especially when you buy two and do double penetration.

Hope this helps

I don't think its good to advise a man who's in a committed relationship to go see a Dominatrix who BTW would be a woman - a gay male would want a Dominator...if that's what the person's into. I think a man this age is familiar with toys from a sex shop and fisting or inserting 2 at once could cause **** rupture - this area of the body only stretches so far - we're not Gumbies that can stretch excessively. Encouraging him to hide a sexual encounter from his partner is the wrong advice and won't solve his problem.

There are some things you just don't tell your partner if there is no way around it.

really? so much for working to keep a 10 year married committed relationship together...i'm guessing to love , honor & cherish doesn't mean much?

while the original poster may have issues between he & his partner i would venture to say that this type of advice would only help to drive even a larger wedge between them..basically..you're saying..go have an affair, marry, do what ever you feel because hey...the relationship you have isn't valid & doesn't count...

i just can't believe that...


stumpy using the ears to dab the overflowing visine from the still wounded eye balls....

[LiteraryLark]

Obviously to love, honor, and cherish doesn't mean nothing to his partner if he is trying to subdue him into avoiding sexual expression.

Why you would marry someone you couldn't be sexually satisfied with is beyond me, or marry someone who wants complete sexual control over you.

So yes, I would encourage a divorce at this point. People divorce after 10, 20, 30 years, it's a very common thing. He's been married for four years, but just married to a man ten years older then he.

[LiteraryLark]

You can't repair a sexually incompatable relationship, even if they are married. He needs to find a man who can treat him right and please each other the way they want to be pleased.

[hairstory]

I guess this is also where alot of my problem stems from 'cause actually......i don't want to get a divorce......but also don't really know if we could get to a point where we are on the same page sexuality again. There's not much chance he would go to therapy with me. Difficult position. We were compatible at the beginning, but our sexual appetites have diverged in these last 4 years. It is completely against my moral code to have an affair so I strongly believe that's out of the question.......except that does leave me rather unfulfilled. I am really wanting to explore with my T how this relates to my views/attitudes to sex regarding my experience with csa. And see what goes from there. I do agree with Dr skipper about everyone deserving to be with someone who can sexuality satisfy them, but I also agree with the others regarding working on your marriage.

[likewater]

Hairstory, im sorry about your dilemma. It's not so much a fetish, but i could smell leather all day long. Sorry PETA. It seems unfair that your partner is not willing to compromise at all sexually. Would your partner be willing to go to therapy with you and maybe you two could find a happy medium? It sounds like something more must be going on. Ie why is he threatened by toys? Why cant there
be a little experimentation? You arent installing a trapeze, mirrors on ceiling, a sex swing, ball gagging him, and dressing like one of the village people are you? Actually i would like to dress up like the village people and have a trapeze. And if we had a lot of room a
Zip line. Ooh we could set it up in the forest. Oh im sorry, im up late , cant sleep, not focusing. Ok , your problem, i wonder if your partner, like so many of us wounded souls, has per chance some issues that are stifling him sexually and have him fearful,

apprehensive to try new things. Maybe just maybe HE has some sexual hang ups.

[hairstory]

Thanks for your message likewater....you are so funny!!!! I don't know why I'm turned on by the things I am, but some people say that kink/fetish is more akin to a sexual orientation...... Not just an experimentation. I wonder if that's true. My partner views masterbation, and using any toys as 'cheating'. Anything that does not involve him.....he considers as being chosen over him. Whenever I find the need to /decide to do these things I have to be very careful to hide any and all evidence that I have done this or he is very very angry! He has already told me that he would rather divorce than go to therapy.
He has more or less told me that I have to get over my fetishes, stop using any toys, start having sex with him, and start communicating to him everything that is in my head (even though he often doesn't want to hear it) or else get a divorce! Yikes! I don't know what to do 'cause without him I don't know if I have what it takes to survive!!!

[LiteraryLark]

You don't want a divorce but he does, and you can't agree on each other's sexuality, which is what is driving you two apart. Ouch. I don't think he will ever be happy with you if he can't get what he want. I really can't think of any way I can possibly sugar coat except to "wish you the best". If he won't budge...fudge.

[likewater]

Hairstory, his demands and expectations are over the top controlling and unrealistic. I've never heard of a relationship where couple couldnt masturbate. YOU should be free to do with YOUR body what you need to to stay healthy and meet your needs and he can chose to do or not do the same. It is NOT cheating. The fact that your partner is so controlling and you dont know if "you have what it takes to survive" without him is sending me a gigantic red flag. Something is wrong with this picture.