[Girlio]

Ok, firstly I want to say that my husband and I have always had a very active and healthy sex life. This last year my husband had an affair and we are currently separated but working on repairing the damage...but in this past year he has also been very emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I know he is trying to be better. My latest issue with him is our sex life. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him. I love the man I married but lets admit it, I have a lot of resentment. Now he will stop by and just want to have sex. I think he feels it's the best way for us to connect. I will tell him no and I'm not in the mood (not that I don't give it up a lot) and he just ignores me and laughs it off and he will pull me literally with me fighting the whole time into the bedroom. It makes me mad. It makes me feel gross. I said no because I didn't want to. I'll always end up getting mad and just telling him fine just to hurry and I spitefully just lay there. It makes me hate him. The other day he tried to get me in there and I pushed back and was like NO I'm serious. He tried pushin me in the bedroom but finally he said he was just joking and he was tired too. Is this normal? Am I just being uptight?

[LiteraryLark]

He just wants you for sex. He's raping you, and you need to file a restraining order on you because you know you're never going to repair the "friendship" with him and this unwanted sex is just going to keep happening.

It is NOT normal for this to be happening. It needs to stop.

but in this past year he has also been very emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I know he is trying to be better.

he just ignores me and laughs it off and he will pull me literally with me fighting the whole time into the bedroom.

Where is the trying to get better part?

Is this normal?

By caveman standards it probably would be normal.
Your asking if this is normal makes me wonder about how the marriage was before the cheating. Seems like there was a lot more wrong than just that. Think seriously about this situation and what your idea of normal is.
Good luck

[Girlio]

Originally Posted by George H.

Where is the trying to get better part?
By caveman standards it probably would be normal.
Your asking if this is normal makes me wonder about how the marriage was before the cheating. Seems like there was a lot more wrong than just that. Think seriously about this situation and what your idea of normal is.
Good luck

I guess by saying he's trying to get better I am saying things went from blatantly wrong (abuse) to better (not physical....gray area, emotional abuse). And also by asking if this is normal...I have no idea how other people behave in the bedroom. My friends husband pouts when he doesn't get sex, mine is persistent, what's normal? When in what is supposed to be a committed and loving relationship. Now I realize the key words in that sentence in regards to my situation is 'what is supposed to be.'.

[lynn P.]

If your husbands been verbally and physically abusive, I don't see how you can stay in this relationship. With the cheating and the abuse, too much damage has been done to you. You have a choice and what he's doing is wrong. I hope after you've healed, you'll find a kind person who respects you.

Originally Posted by Girlio

I guess by saying he's trying to get better I am saying things went from blatantly wrong (abuse) to better (not physical....gray area, emotional abuse). And also by asking if this is normal...I have no idea how other people behave in the bedroom. My friends husband pouts when he doesn't get sex, mine is persistent, what's normal? When in what is supposed to be a committed and loving relationship. Now I realize the key words in that sentence in regards to my situation is 'what is supposed to be.'.

I can't say what is supposed to happen in the bedroom but it should never involve being forced to do something even if it's by your husband. The things you're describing are abuse. Your husband has no legal right to force you to have sex. Straight out...no it is not normal and you don't have to accept it.
Emotional abuse and physical or emotional intimidation are not grey areas. You will need a lot of moral support to remove yourself from this situation.
People to help you understand the games your husband is playing with you. I'm sure there are people here who could help with that. A good therapist might also help you to understand the position you're in.

[Switch]

This is NOT normal at all. I'm really sorry about what's happening to you, as I've had it happen to me too. It can really mess with you, and I am going to seriously urge you to just leave him. I know you love the man you married, but I'm not sure he's there anymore. Be honest with yourself; if he was at the alter with you right now, would you say yes? I don't think you would, and I don't think this man is the man you married. I think he is dangerous and abusive to you, and hurting you. Which is wrong.

No means No, no matter who you say it to. If he doesn't respect that, you need to leave. That is a line that SHOULD NEVER be crossed. EVER. Because that is rape, even if you're married.

Please stay safe and do what is best for your own safety.

(((Girlio)))

[Switch]

Originally Posted by Girlio

I guess by saying he's trying to get better I am saying things went from blatantly wrong (abuse) to better (not physical....gray area, emotional abuse).

I just saw this, so sorry for the double post, but this is something that's really important to me. Although I'm happy that he doesn't smack you around anymore, it hurts me to read that "better" is emotional abuse. To me, that is devistating. Emotinoal abuse can be/is so twisting and damaging to the point where you feel guilty for making them abuse you, or guilty that they arn't abusing you so you start abusing yourself so they don't have to. I'm sorry, to me that is living hell. I've been in emotionaly abuisve relationships before. I would have rather walked away with the bruises than the feeling that the only job I can hold is to be a hooker. I can take bruises and broken bones, I can talk myself out of verbal abuse, but emotional abuse can twist you to places you didn't know you could get to, and you won't even realise it until it's over. EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS NOT BETTER

(sorry for the overly strong reactions... This is something that really hits home as I've been there before with boyfriends and girlfriends I've had and I don't want anyone to have to go through that)

[Trippin2.0]

Please do yourself a favour and LEAVE. None of what you describe is normal or remotely healthy. Your husband is aware of your naivity regarding relationships and he's USING IT AGAINST YOU TO GET HIS WAY.
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No means no, in EVERY language, to EVERYBODY.
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Emotional abuse is N0T better bcoz it doesn't leave visible scars. It's WORSE bcoz you recognize it too late and the scarring is on your psyche. I've experienced both, and honestly, if I had to choose, I'd go for the blue eyes and bruised ribs.
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I rarely tell people what to do, especially if i don't know them. This is 1 of those times, RUN.
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You're worthy of love and happiness, no need to settle for any less.
Take care.XOXO

[Perna]

If you are separated, he's not supposed to be coming by at all, much less for sex. Get a lawyer and a separation agreement. Let him know you are serious and have serious legal muscle behind you; why you are "working with" him to save the marriage, I don't know.

[Girlio]

Originally Posted by Perna

If you are separated, he's not supposed to be coming by at all, much less for sex. Get a lawyer and a separation agreement. Let him know you are serious and have serious legal muscle behind you; why you are "working with" him to save the marriage, I don't know.

Its so easy to say I shouldn't be with him. But you have to understand, he's my best friend, he was my teammate, my confidant, he was the most amazing thing to come into my life for years and years and years...then he snapped. I have a hard time letting go of what he was, I believe he's still in there. He may not be. I have to come to terms with that...I married a package deal...my stepson comes with him. When he originally had his affair I didn't think I was just losing my husband, I was losing my son as well, who turns ten today, who I have been in his life since he was 1 1/2. Its not as easy as just, oh, he's abusive now leave him. Imagine your partner...imagine if tomorrow they woke up with a practically new personality. Would you be able to just say, 'see ya!'...or would you be confused and like 'i don't understand what's happening??' and want to see them get help? That's what it was like for me...one day things were normal...as in life as usual with my best friend, the next they weren't. Granted, its been TWO YEARS OF HELL now. Two years out of eight all together that have been horrible. Is he still there? In glimpses, yes...its not as easy as just moving on.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't think that Perna or any of us implied it was easy, we didn't mean to seem insensitive.
My ex was all the things you described, and then years later out of nowhere on new yrs eve for reasons I still don't understand ( I went home for 5min to check if OUR daughter was asleep) he slammed me into a wall and proceeded to choke me till I was unconcious, infront of our friends!
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I was shocked, scared, but I believed my best friend was still in there.
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He apparently tried to change, and he did, the choking escalated into fullblown physical assault, and even after that, I still hoped... And I was so naivley DETERMINED to make it work.
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Truth is, he wasn't making an effort to treat me better, and by what you've told us, neither is your husband. I left bcoz I realized I deserved better, my daughter deserved better, that was enough reason for me.
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Staying, leaving, it's your choice. But at what cost are you prepared to stay? How much time and energy is he investing in proving himself worthy of you? Worthy of your love, trust and respect?
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Leaving doesn't mean you don't love him and give up on him. It just means you love yourself more...

[CantExplain]

He should respect your "NO". Otherwise it's rape.

[likewater]

No, it's not easy. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing i ever did. Seriously. I still love him. He still tries to get me back after 4
years. He has broken into my house, stalked me, r*ped me. I will not go back but i still miss him sometimes. I miss the good parts or the early days. That's what abusers do. They hook you by being sweet and courting you. It's part of a pattern. Once you are married or in deep enough they gradually change and escalate. Usually bit by bit. If it's too shocking too soon you leave. So they have to tear
you down slowly and up your tolerance and acceptance of abuse. Do not be decieved. It is brainwashing and it it devious and they know EXACTLY what they're doing. It's not easy to leave because you have battered woman syndrome but i dont like that term because it has nothing to do with gender. I grew up in a hone where my mom was the abuser and we ( including my dad) where all
terrified of her. So no it's not easy for you to leave, but you deserve to be safe and you can. There is help out there. You can call domestic abuse hotline. Reach out. You aren't alone. Get support other than your husband.

[Girlio]

I just feel so trapped and so confused. It'll get ugly if I end it. Ugly is scary. And I feel guilty saying that because I love who I married. I love him. I resent him.

[lizardlady]

This has been a tough thread for me to read....

Girlio, if you say "no" and another person drags you to the bedroom and forces you to have sex, it's rape.

Please consider calling your local abuse hotline and finding a support group. You will find other women who've been through what you've been through. Hon, they maintain control over us by reminding us of the man we fell in love with.

[Harley47]

This was so hard to read...I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I hope you will seriously consider the question about where you at the altar now...I know this is an incredibly hard reality to face, but no one deserves to be treated as he is treating you. He is, bluntly put, raping you. No means no. No matter what the reason, no matter who is saying it. Anything going on past your "no" is rape.

Furthermore, please don't trivialize emotional abuse. It is just as bad as physical, possibly worse. The scars from emotional abuse heal much slower than the bruises ever would. I know it can't be easy, but you need to do whatever it takes to get out of this.

I am sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.

[likewater]

Girlio, it' s already ugly. That's why it's so hard for us to read. Love to you. May angels surround and strengthen you.

[Girlio]

I broke it off. Then we talked. I made him cry. I told him all the ways he has hurt me. He says he doesn't know why he does it. He says he's going to therapy. Apparently I suck at breaking it off. But I don't know how to forgive him. I prefer he hit me or try to kill me again...he tried to kill me you guys. We had a rational conversation about how he decided I was the root of all his problems and how he didn't see any other alternative than to get rid of me. How can I love someone that wanted me dead so much they actually tried to kill me. That they actually thought about hiding my body? But if it gets physical again he knows I will leave. But when it's physical of course it's wrong. I wish he would just hit me again so I would know its ok to leave. And just hearing myself type this out I realize how of course it's ok...it's just what if he comes around again and is the amazing man I fell in love with? Then I'll be stuck with someone I resent. I should have left a long time ago. I am afraid. I didn't because I thought it was my fault. Sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I wish he had just finished the job and killed me.

[Girlio]

And I know that no means no but it doesn't seem right calling it rape because it's always easier to just cave in and comply. Like... Ok. Just get it over with. Miserable.

[lynn P.]

Girlio - you're very confused ATM. The reason you're both separated is to put distance between you. You're an abused woman and this messes with your mind. Men who abuse are VERY charming at 1st and true they do have some redeeming qualities. That time when you fell in love is gone and you both need time to heal. If he tried to kill you...there's no going back.

You have to stop letting him come to your house and draw the line to 'no more physical contact'. That image of the man you fell in love with is gone. Reach out for help from an abuse women place. I don't mean to sound harsh but one day you may end up killed. There's no negotiating with a man like this. Its time to draw the line, even it it means getting restraining order or going some where safe. This isn't a relationship that can be worked out and you need to stop flip flopping. You'll never be able to think straight with him barging in when ever he wants. You deserve some peace, therefore what steps are you willing to take today?

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sorry, I can't assist any further, this thread has become too triggering. I will however leave you some questions:
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Have you looked inside yourself and been honest about why you're staying? And no, not the lighthearted stuff you tell yourself to make it ok, like 'my bestfriend's still in there' bcoz you KN0W he's not. HE TRIED TO KILL YOU, not very friendly now is he? I'm talking about YOU... Why do YOU stay? Are you dependant on him? Are you scared of being alone? Are you scared of leaving?
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You want to save your marriage but at what cost, your life? I honestly hope whatever the cost, it's worth it.
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I'm sorry for being harsh, I just don't understand why you don't value yourself, your life.
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God bless

[Girlio]

I'm working on figuring that out. Transition is in the making. It's starts with ending the silence.

[popsicle]

check this out -

http://www.thehotline.org/

[Harley47]

Girlio, you are doing the right thing by leaving. I know it's painful, and I know you must be facing doubts. But if he tried to kill you on top of everything else he has done, if he actually had planned it to the point of him knowing where to hide you...you need to go, and never, ever look back. The man you married isn't there anymore.

I am so sorry...I hate telling people things like that, and I hate worse that things like this happen to people. But you need to get out, for you. Please don't doubt for a moment that you are doing the right thing by leaving.