I don't know how to feel about this...(massive trigger warning for sexual discussion)

Feel free to move this wherever it needs to go. I don't care.

******TRIGGER******

Something happened today that I feel l need to get off my chest.

I met a guy my age a couple weeks ago on a forum for people with Autism and Asperger's. He was great. Smart, funny, not afraid to answer my questions regarding my diagnosis. I felt like it was ok to ask these questions and I just liked talking to him. It made me feel ok to be myself around people my age. It felt better knowing he has Asperger's too.

Yesterday, I logged onto the forum and discovered a PM in my inbox. This wasn't unusual since we'd been messaging back and forth almost daily for a couple weeks. It turned out to be him asking if I had a Facebook account. I thought, cool. This guy wants to see what I look like in real life. Ok. I sent him the link to my page and we became "friends".

A couple hours later, he IMed me and we started talking. We messaged back and forth for over three hours. In that time, I got to know a lot about him. He told me about his band and his own experiences with Asperger's, bullying and self-injury. It felt great to meet someone so similar to me. As our conversation grew longer and more deep, I began to find myself becoming attracted to him physically. He's gorgeous. A month younger than me, he has long, curly dark hair and glasses. I fall for boys like this. It felt so great.

Toward the end of our conversation, we began talking about sexual stuff. I have never been involved in any type of romantic relationship, so naturally I've become quite curious about my own body over the years. He's had more experience with this stuff than I have, and he told me about the times he's been with girls and what he did with them. I didn't mind, really. Human sexuality is very interesting to me, intellectually. I'm very interested in taking classes in college. It's just intriguing to me. He was quite surprised at how comfortable I was talking about this stuff, and I reassured him it was ok. I didn't know he was planning to discuss what he'd like US to do together, though.

I'll spare the nitty gritty details of our conversation. He told me how much he'd like to have sex with me, and how upset he was that we live so far away. (about 600 miles apart) Of course it wasn't all him - I lent my fair share to our conversation as well, so I can't blame him. After awhile I sent him a picture of myself in jeans and a tee shirt, just to get an idea of his reaction to me. I told him about my body image issues. He reassured me that it was ok, that I had a "hot body" and how cute he thought I was.

At this point it was around 3:00 in the morning, and he asked to log off for the night to go to bed. Before leaving, he gently asked if I would send him nude pictures. Of course..what guy doesn't want this? I didn't say anything, hoping he'd forget. This is where I start to blame myself, and rightly so. He persisted, telling me how great I looked and how much he liked my breasts. I know it's a cliche to say this, but I honestly felt like I had to do it for him. How pathetic is that? I felt that I was lucky to receive attention from such an attractive guy, and that if he told me he didn't mind my weight (I'm about 50 lbs overweight), then he must mean it.

I took the pictures, in pants and a bra at first. I sent them. He came back online after getting my email and told me that he liked them. Later that night he requested more, this time of my entire chest (I cringe here). I took them too. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I loved his attention, and craved my first (albeit virtual) sexual encounter. I finally went to sleep at 5:30, waking up 5 hours later to check my email for a response from him about the second set of pictures.

Early this afternoon, I logged on Facebook and we continued to talk. He told me how much he liked the pictures, how "hot" they were, and asked me when he was going to get to see "all of me". (my words here because I think the word that he really used is better left out of a site like PC)
I was so embarrassed, but I reasoned with myself that it really is no big deal, that he won't share them with anyone who knows me in real life, blah blah blah. I actually took these pictures and sent them. I cannot describe how dirty and low I feel about this, except that I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions.

A couple hours ago, we started talking about this stuff in greater detail. He told me that we should do something really fun, called "sexting". Honestly, this excited me. As we did this, he told me how good it made him feel and how much he was getting off on our conversation. I really did feel alright at this time. It's just a conversation, right? Halfway into it, he asked if we could use the video chat feature on Facebook so that he could "get the most out of it" or something. He'd asked me a few times to go on video with him, but I refused. I guess I gave in just because I was afraid to tell him no. Sheesh.

While on video, he proceeded to finish what he was doing (you know what he was doing), and asked me to keep describing the way I would make love to him. This lasted a good 10 minutes, but it felt like forever. He asked me to show him my breasts and the rest of my body, and to touch myself. I stupidly did what he asked. During this time, my thoughts drifted to my therapist, my friends, my parents. My dead grandmother watching all this from the Astral Plane. What would these good, wholesome people think of what I'm doing? What would they do if they knew? He finished and turned off the camera so we could go back to just IMing. We talked for a little while, and then he went to bed.



Ok, I know that by now you guys are probably thinking "SLUT!", so I'll save the self-pitying reasons why I thought this would be a good idea. I just came here to get this off my chest. I can't stop thinking about it, haven't been able to since I woke up this morning. There could be a million reasons why I dumbly decided to go along with this. Desire for affection from an attractive person? Big time. Need to feel sexually attractive myself? Yes. They're all there. All throughout this process I tried to stifle my inner voice that kept telling me how wrong this was. I just wanted to feel sexy, and it went too far. Did he take advantage of me, or is it my fault for leading him on and not telling him no from the very beginning? I never thought I'd end up being this kind of girl.

Please, save me the insults if they aren't constructive. I know what I did was wrong. Why am I so afraid to tell him no? What if he wants more? He already asked me when I'm going to be online tomorrow. I just wish our conversation last night had ended before things got weird. And yet, a part of me feels complimented by his words.

Thoughts here? Please? And tell me, should I tell this story to my therapist? Would that help?

I remember being younger/around your age. I remember getting caught up and following along and enjoying the attention and feeling guilty and ashamed.

I don't see/think/feel you are a slut. I thank you for your honesty and bravery in comming out to explore/process all of this. Talk to T about it too when you get the chance. I am sorry...

I especially apologize for offering anything more constructive, except that letting you know that you are not alone with these experiences...

Thanks so much NABB, I will talk to her about it. I'm just confused right now. How can it not be my fault if I wanted it? I didn't want the camera thing, but it's my fault for not speaking up. I don't know..

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Hi Indie So sorry u are having alot of grief with this. For me it was part of "growing up." Most people have done things that they regret. I know I sure have. If u feel wrong, then tell him and see what happens. If he rejects.you then he wasnt worth it to begin with. If a partner really cares then they wont force themselves on you. I would definately talk to T about this too if it were me. she can probably offer advice/help u feel better

Please don't think we are all judging you and calling you a slut. According to your profile you are 18 and you said he was too. That means you are both consenting adults. In my book, there nothing wrong with adults enjoying their sexuality (and doing so in a way that cannot transmit disease.). The only problem is if you don't feel comfortable with doing this sort of thing because it conflicts with YOUR values. Notice I said your values and not parents, friends, etc.

I do think it would help to process this with your t. I notice you emphasize how you didn't want to do things but you were talked into them. If so, you need to work on setting firm boundaries. However (and I don't know you enough to know if this applies to you) many girls feel like they have to half heartedly refuse all sexual advances in order to be seen as a "good girl.". It is sad that women have to feel like this in 2012.

You have lots to sort out here, but don't be upset with yourself. You didn't harm anyone and you can learn from this experience and make a different choice next time (if you want to).

But really, don't call yourself a slut. You are not. We don't think you are. And FWIW, this is coming from a woman who is very repressed/shy/conservative about sex and was a virgin until I got married at 33!

Best,
EJ

Indie, bless your heart, no one's going to judge you. I don't think you're a "slut" or anything like that by any means at all. You're an adult, and you have the ability to make decisions like this. It's okay!

That being said Indie, it is a decision. I do understand your perspective. Pressure like that is easy to give in to, and humans are naturally curious about things like that, particularly at our age. But understand as well that you do have a right to say no, and I implore you, if you're not 100% comfortable in doing something, don't do it. If he gives you any...well, crap, to be blunt, about it, he's not the guy for you, IMO.

I'd usually tell someone that if they're being safe, as long as they're comfortable, it's A-okay. I don't think your Grandmother is condemning you from Heaven. However, you DON'T seem comfortable with this. That could be due to how quickly it happened or to the newness of it all, but either way, if you're not comfortable, say no! If he asks again, tell him that last night was new for you, and that you'd like to slow down a little, and (if you so choose) ease back into it (or not. Again, your choice. ). If he doesn't understand that or pressures you, I implore you to reaffirm your no. Both of you need to be willing and ready.

Sex by itself is not some evil, wretched act (and cybersex by extension certainly isn't either). It just needs to be between two consenting, ready adults. You are not a bad person for this.

If I can do anything for you, feel free to shoot me a PM. I'm here daily, at the very least, and I'm familiar with this particular issue. I'm happy to help.

My best,
Harley

I would be very careful..... This is how pictures and video get out all OVER the internet.....

You are certinly not a slut. This is something you need to discuss w/ your T. Letting others convence you to do things you are not comfortable w/ is something you need to develop skills to be able to handle them and to be able to walk away. I myself am terrible at this. I get myself in more trouble this way. Not sexually, but doing things I am not sure is right or not and knowing until later it was not such a good idea. ex. saving a kitten a knowing I am going to get in trouble when I get home w/ it. Better to learn how to handle life's mysteries now instead of when you are older.

I agree though you should let this other person know you should not have participated in the things you did. Hopefully he will feel the same or at least not pressure you to do it again in the future. I hope your relationship w/ this individual works out the way you want it to.

Indie... you are most definitely not a slut and I hope you aren't going to continue beating yourself up over this. Other than the technological aspect this is really pretty normal behavior. Of course that technological part adds a lot of complications to an otherwise normal event. I'm not familiar with video chatting but I am aware that vid chats can be recorded. Other than the possibility that he recorded and shares the vid with friends, nothing terrible happened here. I understand that you are regretting this and feeling shame and embarrassment. I'm so sorry for that. It does not change who you are. It's something that happened in your life.... not something that defines you or your character.
Like others have said, this is part of growing up. Despite religious and moral posturings and all that, we are all human and we are all sexual. Both those came into play here. What happens now I obviously don't know. It sounds like there was a lot of genuine personal interest on both sides so it probably will stay between you and him.
I think you should bring it up with your therapist. I hope she/he can help you put this into perspective. You're still the same Indie to me.

Oh wow...thanks so much you guys. We talked tonight, for a long time. He wants me to come visit him someday, and you know what? I'm not completely opposed to doing it. Heck, I'll be nearly 20 by the time I'm able to travel alone. I am genuinely interested in him, for reasons other than the sexual stuff. I think it's getting more serious.

I'm just SO sick of being the girl that never has fun. I haven't been out with a friend in almost a year, and have never had a boyfriend. All I do is sit at home and hang out with my parents. Just once, I'd like to do something exciting. Just once.

No one's going to fault you for that Indie. I would just advise you be careful, online and off. Make sure you meet in a public place when/if you two decide to do that. You strike me as a person with sound moral judgement and a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll be fine.

Take care, and I wish you my best.

I don't see you has a slut. I am 22 years old and I can say between the ages of 18-21 and even sometimes now at 22 I have sent some pictures and done things that now I look back and I am like why the hell did I do that. I know what you go through of wanting to feel pretty. I wanted to feel sexually appealing to man when I was younger. It wasn't until I was 21 and engaged which by the way that relationship ended that I felt sexually appealing to man. My ex all the time would say your so pretty and even to this day tells me I am pretty. I still feel sexually appealing to him. We still have sex sometimes. He doesn't ever make me feel pressure to sleep with him. I still do it with him by my choice. You are young just like me and you will do things that you may regret. Does that make you a slut or a ***** no it makes you human.

I just want to let this thing with him go..

Every time I talk to him I grow more attached. I wish I had never met him.

Don't tell me that I'm young and I don't know what love is. I'm not saying it's love.

But do you have any idea how difficult and frustrating it is to have Asperger's and try to find someone who is also an aspie? To be able to connect with that person? To become totally and completely absorbed in their attractiveness and then to have that all shoved in your face when they tell you they like someone else?

Oh, but I'm young. So none of this stuff is real.

Thanks for your help, guys. This anger isn't directed towards anyone in this thread. I'm just venting.

I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I need T. I need you, right now. I'm so confused.

Based on the language of your post, I'm guessing that happened? Bless your heart, I'm sorry Indie. I know that sucks.

Being young doesn't make it not real, and it doesn't mean you don't know what love is (whether it was or wasn't). If anything, in a lot of ways, it makes it more difficult. But at the same time, you (we...I always feel weird addressing someone in my age group as though I'm older. Forgive that quirk) are young. Yes, it certainly sucks right now. Break ups always do (I'm somewhat of an expert on that matter at this point ). But you've your whole life ahead to find that guy out there. There isn't a rush. I know that Asperger's must add an additional set of challenges to that task, but that doesn't mean the task is impossible.

I hope I was of some help Indie. Take care, and know you're in my prayers.

Indie,
I am sorry for what ever happened to you. I don't want it is like to have your condition and trying to find someone but I can relate from having Bipolar and PTSD how hard it is to find someone. I have had so many relationships some lasted a long time others didn't. A lot of the time it ended because of my Bipolar other times it ended because of my own stupidty. I have a friend CP who is 59 years old and I will tell you the same thing I tell him. There is someone out there for everyone. Once you stop looking and put it into God's hands you will find them. Your still young you have plenty of time don't rush into finding someone. I know that when I was 18 though all I could think about was finding my soulmate. I didn't meet mine til I was 19. Me and him aren't together at the moment but some day we will be togther again. It is just the time wasn't right for us. Don't give up on love girl there is someone out there for you. He will come along. Just be patient.

No, I don't think you are a slut at all. You simply were desperate to have a sexual connection with someone else which is a normal human desire. In fact, it sounds as though you had gotten to know this man for a while and genuinely felt a connection there. It's not like you just slept with some guy you met at a bar or something of the sort. This doesn't sound like "slutty" behavior, it just sounds like a normal woman who was interested in a man sexually

No judgement here! I understand the desire to sexually explore, and from a distance, it is a relatively safe way to do so.

It's hard to tell if he is a "selfish lover" or if you need to speak up more about what you want and don't want?

If you meet him in person maybe you could bring a friend and meet in a public place first?
Hope this turns out to be mutually satisfying for you both.

There is no reason for you to be attacked for what you did. I just think it is a very unwise and dangerous thing to do, for your own sake.

First of all you are not a "slut". There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing God has blessed humans with. Nothing wrong with enjoying yourself.

But I have to tell to be very careful. Once its in the "cloud" thats it. He could have been recording you or passing those pictures around.

It seems like he was really pressuring you to do something you were uncomfortable with and kept at it. Sweetheart, this is your body. If you are uncomfortable dont do it. It seems he is preying and knowing you are uncomfortable with your body, he is going to attack.

If you feel safe and feel pleasure doing this with him, do it. Your an adult. I just would feel bad if you get hurt or worse. Please be careful hon

It is also possible that he really didn't know she was uncomfortable or maybe ignored or didn't recognize her "cues". It's always better to speak and tell your partner what is ok and what isn't.

Of course, if he was unconcerned about your feelings--run!

The word "slut" is an irrational word to describe and insult womens sexuality further. As someone else said, it is not a bad thing to explore your sexuality. If anything, it is a GOOD thing.

My main worry is that you feel this guilt for being sexual with someone, and not because you feel dirty etc but if he manipulated you in a way to share photos/videos you weren't ready to share when he requested. Please make sure you can break that down and see how you feel.

17, 18, 19, etc, age doesn't describe the capacity the ability to experience or understand emotions/attachments. You are completely validated in your emotions and experiences, no matter the age.