[lovefreak]

I am a 40 yo woman in a relationship with a 38 yo man. We have been living together for about 9 months. When we fist started dating sex was frequent and very good. A few months into the relationship I started a conversation about sex, wanting to talk about likes, dislikes, fantasies etc. He didn't really contribute to the conversation, and when I pushed a bit he got a little angry, raised his voice and told me that he just likes plain sex, no weird stuff, etc. I was embarrassed and felt like he thought I was weird for wanting to talk about my fantasies. But I backed off. Our sex was a little "vanilla" but was still very enjoyable for me. Shortly after I moved in the sex became less frequent, I was often turned down or he just couldn't maintain an erection. Of course that made me feel horrible even though logically I kNew it probably wasn't about me. Then a few months ago i stumbled onto some porn videos on his computer. Really rough bdsm stuff. I was surprised but not offended or disgusted in any way. I didn't say anything to him about it at the time. But during sex I did start becoming more vocal about what I wanted, I actually like it a little rough lol. But he would basically ignore what i said. And if I pointed out something he did that I liked (hair pulling, biting etc) he would not do it again at all. I started paying closer attention to his activities and I noticed that sometimes he would turn me down for sex but as soon as I leave the house he would masturbate to bdsm porn. I thought about it for a long time and i decided to have a talk with him because I thought maybe he was afraid I would be upset about this interest and might feel better and more comfortable with me if he knew I wasn't disgusted and was actually curious myself and willing to try some things with him. Long story short I was told that he could never do those things with me, can't think about me that way, is not willing to talk about these interests with me and is not willing to watch any of it with me. I am so hurt and confused not to mention embarassed. I am paranoid when I leave the house that he is obsessing over these videos and pleasuring himself with that instead of with me. I feel left out and he doesn't seem to understand why. I don't feel I would mind him viewing porn if it was of things he was willing to explore with me. I watch porn too but usually only when he won't have sex with me. He says the thought of watching ANY kind of porn with me makes him extremely uncomfortable and he is not willing to do it. I am hoping that there is a man out there who has felt something similar to this and maybe can help me understand. I am not sure I can accept this and if something doesn't change I may have to end it.

[worried0107]

Hi Lovefreak, and thank you for sharing. I have a similar situation. Im 41 and married to a 36 year old wonderful sexy bipolar man. Our sex life is absolutely wonderful since the first day we met 6 years ago, one to two times a day, until he has an episode then we would miss a day. We enjoy "rough" sex as well. However, a few months ago I used his phone and saw porn on his phone. I asked him and he said it was downloaded or there "accidentally". I don't mind the porn but I was hurt he lied to me.

[KarriesBaby]

i think its just a man thing im in a relationship with a man and a woman we r all together and our hubby would rather watch porn and do his thing then b with us and whn he is wth us he seems like its a chore for him and he just wants it ovr so her and i sneek around i kn thts not rite but we want it and if hes not gna give it up were gna do it together he is a great guy and we have beent ogether for so long we dnt want to end it we have talked abt it to him and he just says hes gettin older and its hard for him to keep an erection and please us both we dnt think thts the issue we think he is just done with us and wants someone new but were really not sure...

[hamster-bamster]

I think that you should move on. You have been open and flexible and basically tried everything and have failed, due to no fault of your own. He is not 18 years old, so if he is so uncomfortable now, he probably will continue to be so uncomfortable. There are other men out there and they would appreciate you and rise to you and engage your fantasies etc. He is just not worth wasting your time, especially since, per your post, he is not in any way apologetic for behaving the way he has been behaving. This shows no hope on his part.

Also, he seems really weird in how his mind works, if

Originally Posted by lovefreak

I feel left out and he doesn't seem to understand why.

It is a no brainer to understand why you feel left out, so if he does not get it on his own, he really seems hopeless.

[Harley47]

Hi Lovefreak. I hope I can be of some help.

Hamster and I are in almost perfect agreement here. You've been incredibly accommodating and understanding in this, and he hasn't given you an inch. In so many words, he either needs to work with you or step aside, but right now he's not doing much in any regard towards working with you.

The only thing I can think of as far as his rationale goes requires me to play devil's advocate a bit. I am curious if he does find the BDSM attractive but is unwilling to involve you in it out of...a sort of respect, in a way? Granted, it's disrespectful to turn you down for porn and to be so unwilling to communicate with you, but perhaps he is unable to imagine himself in a dominant position over you (in sexual terms for the purpose of BDSM play) out of a sort of, albeit poorly shown, respect? That's the only real rationale I can think of, barring something like porn addiction.

Either way, I hope things work out for the best. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

I think Harley's idea has many merits, as follows:

- it gives the bf the benefit of the doubt, which is nice and kind
- it helps explain his behavior. The only other explanation for his failure to grasp why you feel left out is an extreme degree of mental retardation. That explanation is dubious because mental retardation cannot affect a person selectively and you would have noticed its manifestations in non-sexual contexts. The way Harley reasons his way through the bf's possible state of mind actually explains bf's behavior.

If that all is true, you need to write the bf a letter. Write, because oral communications, with the notable exceptions of oral sex for people who enjoy it, are deficient in many ways: they do not create a record and are not repeatable, they are much more easily misinterpreted, they introduce interference, can cause anxiety etc.

So compose and edit a letter, without interference and without rushing yourself.

State what happened, just neutrally and factually.

State that you suspect that what happened, happened of his respect for you.

State that you appreciate being respected.

Then say that his respect the way he expresses it is misguided, ill conceived, and counter-productive.

[hamster-bamster]

Finally, write down what you want to see happening instead and give him one week to think about it.

Then wait for his response and determine your next steps based on whether he responds in a way that shows him as receptive and flexible.

Good luck!

[lovefreak]

Thank you for your kind words. Harley, I think you hit the nail on the head with the respect thing. I am sure that is a big part of the problem. Also his strict Christian upbringing has always made him feel that anything other than "vanilla" sex is bad. I know that is hard to overcome. I too suffered from shame about those things for many years and his reaction brings some of the feelings back. He is a great man, our relationship outside of this issue is pretty damn wonderful. It is hard to decide to end it over this without trying something to fix the problem. My fear is that neither of us will be able to change how we feel. I really don't think there is a porn addiction, but there is a need to view these things to satisfy himself, he simply can't imagine doing them with anyone. Right now I think all I can do is try my best to be patient and remember how I felt when I was trying to overcome similar issues. It will either get better or it won't. I was really hoping to hear from some men that had a similar problem as it might be easier for them to open up here and help me understand and figure the best way to handle this. So far I feel I have pressured him too much and pushed too hard and too fast. Thanks again to those who have responded

[hamster-bamster]

You fear that you will not be able to change how you feel, but what is it about how you feel that is wrong and needs to be changed.

I understand the part about how he feels.

[FooZe]

I'm not really disagreeing with Harley's and Hamster's interpretation, just adding one of my own. There's nothing to say they couldn't both apply equally well. I'd better start with an example (rather a long one, I'm afraid):

Most of the time I'm not much into performing arts, though once in a great while I'll get inspired and surprise myself. Over the years I've had friends who'd get enthusiastic about, oh, putting together a puppet show, or a skit, or a dance number, and they'd sometimes invite me to perform with them. I'd usually decline nicely, wish them well, let them know I admired what they were doing, and sometimes support them in various ways -- from offstage. The idea wasn't that I'd never, ever perform -- it was that I perform only when I feel like it, I hardly ever feel like it, and when I do feel like it, it's just for that moment and I don't want to commit to doing it on cue.

My friends (and these were different friends on different occasions) often seemed to have some kind of investment in overcoming their inhibitions or breaking through their stage fright or something. When they asked me to perform with them they often stressed that it would be good for me, but that sounded to me like a cover story. I suspected that they wanted to use me to boost their own confidence; if I joined them, it would be a validation of them or something, or if I didn't, an insult. It didn't take me long to start resenting the pressure and to get the idea that they might even be projecting some of their own inhibitions onto me. I expected that if I did ever choose to perform with them, it would be more likely a competitive experience than a relaxing one. I guess the bottom line for me was, it wasn't OK with me to say yes, if it wasn't OK with them that I say no.

So lovefreak, I'm wondering if your bf might be afraid that his interest in BDSM is going to be spoiled by someone pressuring him to get into it before he's ready, and for their sake more than for his. I'm not saying that that's something you'd do; but if he's hypervigilant against a particular kind of bogeyman, you'll probably want to go a bit out of your way to look and sound as unlike that kind of bogeyman as possible.

[Trippin2.0]

While my bf and I were dating casually (3 yrs, on and off with no marriage talk, even though we loved eachother) these kinda topics didn't come up.

So imagine my surprize when he admitted he had a 'effed up' fetish now that things are serious between us I have always been curious about / interested in BDSM, but it just never came up. His confession sparked my interest some more and I joined Fetlife to learn about his kink, and evidently a few of mine lol He was VERY uncomfortable talking about this at first, but ever so now and then, I'd drop some info on my discoverings on Fetlife. Like parties in our area, couples that wanna meet for coffee to help us learn about the lifestyle, like mentors. Soon he started asking more specific questions about my kinks, what I'd like to experience and we discussed boundaries and took it from there...

Ok I got a little lost there. My point is actually this. He knows I've loved him since forever, but he was still scared I would turn away from him if I knew what he wanted to do with/to me. Maybe his Christian background is to blame too, idk. But he was convinced his fetish would be offputting.

IMO Lack of respect shouldn't be the issue here, unless the person is ignorant in the ways of kink, because no matter what it looks like from the outside, the kink lifestyle is based on mutual respect and trust.

Example; asphyxiation, you can't play if your partner doesn't respect you (he may hurt you) and you need to trust him to stop in time, bcoz he may kill you, or atleast render you unconcious. You need to be finely tuned into eachothers bodies for alot of these 'games' and fine tuning is impossible in the absence of respect and trust.

I personally think its the shame and fear that's gripping him, and you may have just fueled it with your ready acceptance if he's still 'ignorant', because lets face it, you have NO idea what he's into, there are 100 different possibilities.

If his kink is something people consider depraved, or he's into female - male domination, he could be drowning in shame given his religious background. And no amount of you saying its ok will make it so Lovefreak.

He needs to make peace with his fetish, not you, and I'm afraid it will never happen if he remains ignorant and believes the kink lifestyle is for the depraved... Porn doesn't show you the details of the relationship of the players, and if that's the only info he's getting regarding his fetish, then I completely understand why he would refuse to engage you in such activities.

Just my 00.02c, it may not even be relevent.

[hamster-bamster]

He does not have a porn addiction or any addiction because he has no severe functional impairments, since you yourslef write that he is great and the rs is great on all counts other than in the bedroom. He is probably working etc as well. A person who is able to work, function, aand a form a primary relationship in which his partner is in general very happy with him does not suffer from severe functional impairments and does not meet the criteria for the addict label.

That, in MH speak. In plain English, addictions ruin lives, and his life has not been ruined.

He also is able to engage in vanilla sex with you, so his porn viewing does not impair his physiologic functioning either. So he is not an addict.

Sorry, I get very peeved when people talk about food addictions, porn addictions, XYZ addictions all without cause or reason. How does it help? His issue is that he is apparently using porn due to its safety. He feels unsafe sharing his BDSM predilections with a gf. Porn is safe for him and RL is not safe for him, atm. The proper analogy would be with a swimming pool. A person may be afraid of swimming in the ocean because of sharks, undercurrents, the tide and the general unpredictability of the element. A swimming pool poses none of those risks. It is a safe, contained, artificial environment that resembles the ocean in a way but not quite. So RL sex with you is the ocean and porn is the swimming pool. A person who frequents swimming pools for fear of the ocean does so not because he is addicted to swimming pools but because he is afraid of the ocean yet still wants to swim.

[hamster-bamster]

My point was that entertaining the addiction possibility would not prove helpful and consequently should drop it and instead make him feel safer, gradually, by taking practical steps suggested by trippin.