stuck in the middle

I am not happy being celibate but don't enjoy (and am not good) at sex either.

Raised as a child to be a celibate parental caretaker, I have had a very difficult time sexually as an adult made complex by being gay. I lost most of my friends due to the AIDS epidemic though I was never infected myself.

I don't enjoy dating and cannot understand what others see in me. When others find me attractive, I get confused and scared. Unintentionally from inexperience and subconscious issues, I will say the wrong things. I do not seem to be in full control of my mouth in dating and social situations because of panic. I have totally avoided dating for many, many years.

I have also avoided (for years now) the easy sex in the gay community - the sex clubs / parties, instant hook-up websites and the like. They offer relief but otherwise do not meet my needs for friendship. It seems a lot of gay friends are former boyfriends or lovers but I do not want to go to that to make friends.

Due to chronic (mostly foot) injuries and depression, I have given up my sports leagues and volunteer work. I have a lot of trouble smiling because I am so sad. Being gay overwhelms me and I cannot deal with it.

So, I have a lot of mixed feelings. I want a relationship but also strongly don't want a relationship. I wish sex was enjoyable but I cannot even seem to hold a conversation with a potential date. Thoughts? Comments?

Just empathy and compassion from someone who can relate to some of what you said up there ...

Just that I hear ya. My verbal blunders seem to be improving with therapy but I havent really put myself to the test - I'm just feeling more comfortable with very very very old friends. I dont know what the next steps are - I feel I'm still not "something" enough to get involved with someone.

Well, I am still stuck in the middle. I need to make a decision. I want to avoid meat market-like bars. As an epileptic, I should not drink and there is too much temptation. I have heard that the gay bear community is friendly and may give that a try. Please do not confuse that with the leather community, which is not my scene at all. When it comes to being a bear, I have the body hair part right but am not big enough physically - which has its plusses and minuses. But, I have to make a decision because I am miserable.

It sounds more like you need a companion rather than a sexual partner. Perhaps someone that would be a friend more than anything else, but also open to the idea of a more physical relationship. I don't know where you could find such a person, but I wish you success in your endeavor.

Today I see a new T for a consultation. The T, unlike my last, is gay. Yesterday I saw my PCP who is also gay. I told him that my last T and me called it quits when I told him that I had concluded that I was really asexual. The PCP agreed with my decision saying that I am the expert on my sexuality and that he supports me being asexual 100%. I walked out feeling like a load had been lifted from me. More soon.

Today I had a consultation with a potential new therapist. He was very nice and seemed knowledgeable. However, he recommended that I seek treatment at a major hospital considering my medical and mental states which, when combined, are too complex for the average solo practitioner. He recommended a hospital which he also said would be better because starting next year I will be on Medicare unless I get a full-time job and hospitals will accept it while most solo practitioners will not because it pays too little. So, I got some valuable information but I did not find what I was looking for. I will continue the hunt and hope that I am able to secure some treatment soon.

You do sound a lot better today. You seemed at the end of your tether the other day, and definitely not in a good way!

((((unhappyguy))) You do sound more optimistic in your later posts. As far as what you were saying about Bears, I really don't think you have to worry too much about your height, I have seen a few short ones Just keep on being the great person you are & you will be fine!!!!

On Wednesday, I reached out to 2 potential new T's. Neither one wanted me as a patient. And, as usual, after reminding myself several times, I forgot to ask the most pressing question on my mind to the T who gave me a consultation. I really don't know where my head is lately. The question is whether to have anonymous sex to relieve tension or not, as long as it's safe. I am not in a suitable emotional place for a relationship or dating and, frankly, have no experience with either. I have avoided sex for years. I talk to friends and they love it. Not me. I'd rather avoid it entirely. I was raised by cold and unloving parents and that's what I learned. I guess that says it all. No wonder I do not know how to enjoy life or understand normal interpersonal relations. I have felt for some time now that I am less than human. I guess that's true.

You are very much human unhappy. I have read some of your posts before. I can tell you have trouble identyfing with the gay community. It's the being a minority within a minority feeling. You feel like an anomaly. At least, this is what I am getting from you. You should satisfy your sexual urge. It's supposed to be fun, but I know issues can make sex feel out of realm.

I have read another one of your threads before. You can overcome this. Depriving yourself of it will be one less thing you have to enjoy in your life. I didn't come out until twenty and I had been sexually active up until about nine months ago (I had a nervous breakdown and now I am going to re-evaluate my life). Sex can range from fun to more, who knows what friends you'll make and social settings you'll find. Any T can tell you that.

I have medicaid and know your resources are limited. Go with what you can. I am sorry potential Ts were treating you like that. It's better to know now that they can't treat you as opposed to later.

You are very much human unhappy. I had a longer post, but I lost it before I could send it. I am homosexual too.

You should have casual sex, there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, safe is best. I have read some of your posts. (A few of the ones you posted about your tennis buddies). It can be fun, and help you make more friends.

I certainly feel less than human. I hope I can change that.

It posted after all, nice.

I have never cared for anonymous / casual sex much. That's one of the reasons I've been avoiding it. The people I met were not very together. Usually, I never want to see them again.

It can be a matter of perspective. When I came out, all I wanted to do was have casual sex for fun and not fall in love (take into account that I was twenty). Eight months later, I ended up in a relationship with a guy I had met four months prior. I was avoiding a relationship and it found me. Granted though, this relationship was purely sexual, and after three years, it ran its course. This doesn't have to be the case for you.

Get to know who you are with and know if you guys are or aren't compatible about more than just sex. It's the opposite of what I and the person I was with did. I do feel that starting off with sex is realistically healthy at the start of getting to know a guy. It is a significant part of compatibility, but not the only part of it.

I understand your fear. You can meet some scary fellows when hooking up. I ultimately know I scare guys off with my issues, so I no longer aim for a relationship. I wouldn't say I am asexual, but moreso celibate.

Do you have a group of gay/gay friendly friends you can hang out with? This is a good way to get to know someone outside of the bedroom. You can see how he interacts with others, what his ideas and plans are, and also get an outside perspective from people whom care about who you end up with.

I don't have any gay friends at the moment. I have been isolating for a long time. While I have my own problems, I do not consider the gay community to be a healthy place with the drug and alcohol use, unsafe sex, cigarette smoking and shallowness. I am just not a fun loving person and am over responsible and critical of others and myself. I know I am deeply scarred - so scarred that NSA sex is unappealing. Right now, I have a very strong preference to avoid the scene altogether. I can't seem to shake it. I've had a lot of bad experiences.

I know what you mean. I had a hard time when I was involved in the community too. I think some of us just don't fit that lifestyle.

I have always had issues. Up until a few months ago, I was always in denial. My issues are not just mental, but spiritual as well. I just have this vast amount of negative energy. I am starting to realize that I am the cause of all of my problems and that the person I fooled the most was myself.

That 'negative' stuff is everywhere though unhappy. The sex part may be more emphasized, but it's an establishment for men, and men will be men. It's natural.

I think you have trouble seeing past that, as did I. I don't smoke, and only drink if I am offered one. I am kind of off n' on about sex (sometimes I want to do it five times a day, other times I'll go weeks without doing it).

To be honest, I think most gay men like the enviornment you depicted, but aside from having that in common, they can be as different as other people overall. You may find a sportsman whose addicted to fantasy football and likes fishing most of the time with an artist whose paintings are showcased in a gallery and is a philanthropist most days sitting together, drinking beer and sharing a smoke. It may not necessarily mean that is all they do in life. Perhaps if one of them had a boyfriend, they would only go to bars on certain occasions. Then again, you do have those that pretty much live there a day or two of the week. Nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like that is the type you want to avoid, is the vibe I am getting.

You can always try going to a bar the same night of the week every week. After a month or two, you can see who goes regularly, because they are always there the same day of the week. Then, if you meet someone you like, you can tell that he just happen to go there that night.

I don't know if that helps. I just want to encourage you because you do seem lonely and I bet you can see the glass half full if you focus on the positive possibilities. Your problem seems different than mine, which is why I am suggesting things that I am not ready to try, nor probably will ever at this point, but had in the past.

Whatever you do, do not stop going to therapy (once you begin), no matter how good things start going when you meet someone or how relaxed you feel in the gay enviornment. It can be detrimental.

I have a relative who is very involved in the bear scene (they organize trips, have parties, and give stuffed bears to the children's hospital every Xmas ). They are nice, friendly guys.

Lately, I don't know why I have such a fear of going to gay bars - including friendly bear bars. I do know that part of it is my deep, deep knowledge that I don't really fit in anywhere. Put me in a gay bar and immediately I really don't want to be there. I see people having fun and I don't know how to. I know that my heart is empty and that love does not feel good. People flirt with me and I find it terrifying rather than taking it as a complement. If people express a sexual interest that I'm not ready for or, worse, if I don't find them attractive, then I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth. I panic beyond belief. I'm being paid a complement and all I get is upset. T's have told me to "pretend as if" I'm happy but all I know that is I'm lying and I don't feel good about it. And, what do I drink? I have lost my taste for the favored beverage of bears - beer.

There are some physical reasons why I also have fear, e.g., I have been injured having sex. (I injure easily and am very clumsy.) My tendency to develop urinary tract infections (from glucose intolerance) and having IBS complicates things medically and sexually. There is no one single thing that makes me avoid sex. So, any desire to be sexual is complicated by a lot of things.

I will try to force myself to go to a Sunday afternoon bear bar. (I'm not much of a night person - I am too tired.) I will let you know how it goes.