I fantasize about having an affair.

Just wondering if she initiated sex when you were dating she must not have thought sex to be dirty or was it faked enjoyment?

She liked doing things to me... looking back on it now.. maybe it was more of a control thing... she never acted like she thought sex was dirty (the first time we had sex was great...and our honeymoon was great).. but, she definitely has this idea that having an orgasm is dirty or wrong somehow... I suspect part of the aversion is that she doesn't want to loose control.

OMG if only she would just allow herself one just one I think she would quickly change her mind

I think you guys should go to couples counseling before this becomes a bigger issue. Sex is an important part of the relationship and definitely a deal breaker. If you are considering this on a real level then do the right thing. Either work on it together or move on.

I was raised Christian and turned atheist at about 13.

I have to say that my husband is a wonderful person. Everyone who meets him instantly loves him. He has stayed faithful through our whole marriage. I cheated twice when manic from Bipolar Disorder. I had fo have an abortion from one of the affairs. I'm not using the BPD as an excuse. I feel lots of guilt over it even though he says I don't have to.

Anyway, what if you have an affair and fall in love with someone else. That would hurt more than trying to tell her how you feel. My husband had a long-term gf when we met. He didn't intend to breakup with her for me. But he had to because he couldn't stop seeing me. Even after I made him tell her. And I was just one of 5 girls in slept with in the 5 years they were together. The big problem was she had a sex phobia and he was a highly sexual guy. Most people know that's how we met and still love him.

Anyway, are there kids involved? I've seen people your age have separate bedrooms after the kids move out because of things like this.

The best route is to tell her how we feel. Go to a couple's sex therapist. That's the best for everyone.

PS-what rekindled our sex life because of libido killing meds: medical marijuana. My libido goes through the roof. My hubby can barely keep up. Maybe you can try that first? A lot cheaper than counseling. Lol

Not sure if the "we" in the second to last sentence is a Freudian slip. :P

Just curious but is your wife on any medication? I ask because one of the horrible side effects is loss of libido...which as I mentioned, happened to me.

I did talk to my T as promised. We first met him about 8 years ago... for couples therapy... We mostly dealt with my issues with her family.... and my family.... We did talk about some sexual issues.. but, not this extreme lack of desire, or her aversion to even trying to have an orgasm (okay, we did try together once or twice).

Anyway, after couples therapy we started seeing him separately... So, we've both known him for a long time...

He basically recommended that I buy a vibrator... and that is what I plan on doing.

I did also tell him about fantasizing about affairs....

I'm open to couples counseling... we'll see how the vibrator works out...

My biggest fear is that she will be so angry or embarrassed that she will tell her friends about it in a way that makes me "the bad guy". Because, she has done just that over other issues.

Shakespeare47-
Seriously talk to your wife before you buy one. She might not be able to get over the idea is using something foreign. I know a lot of people who were raised religious, depending on the religion, and who have a hard time-subconsciously, getting that little voice nagging in the back of their heads to shut up. She might think it's just for baby-making. She might just not feel sexy at all. I would start with books first, like The Guide to Getting It On (which would reassure her that it's all OK and Purse Sex by Hooper.

Anyway, it sounds like she would be too shocked to do anything if you just whipped a vibrator out. I think the books would ease her into it a bit more and if you read some together, like Pure Sex, you'll find out eachother's prefs real quick.

No you are not a monster! I wish my man was as concerned about My pleasure as you are your wife! My "love life" is all about HIM & what HE wants. I jump through hoops to make him happy, & then he's done whether I am or not

Alone & confused-I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been in those relationships before. They didn't last long because I wouldn't tolerate it but I also never talk to him about it. You need to find someone who gets turned on when you're turned on and who's not selfish and to me actually respects you. He doesn't respect hou if he doesn't care if you orgasm. To me, sex is a huge part of a relationship. I even condone sleeping with someone before marriage just to make sure they are compatible sexually (and I have a daughter! lol). A lot of people get divorced or cheat because they're not satisfied with their partners. I feel very strongly about this issue and the femenist in me comes out a little. But maybe he honestly doesn't know how to pleasure a woman and he's embarrassed to say so. Maybe he has self-esteem issues in bed. You can tell if he won't kiss you or look at oh during sex.

I'd say first talk to him if he's willing. Suggest sex therapy if he's not willing to talk to you. If he's not willing to even read books on it. Most are short and pictorial if he's not a reader. You need to think about the future of your relationships.

OMG NO!! What on earth did A QUALIFIED THERAPIST suggest that for!?! I really don't think she is going to be alright with that, at all!! If you buy a big enough one and she actually hits you with it, when you present it as a solution to her sexual issue with reservedness, it could black your eye! lol
Plus sex toys are an acquired taste imo and don't always produce arousal or orgasmic results in people who enjoy sex.

Wouldn't you be better off looking for instructions on good techniques, the different parts of the vagina that are most responsive to different stimulations, and little tips and tricks to help her achieve orgasm? Then, equip with this knowledge, begin talking to her again about it all and if she would want to try the next time you have intercourse? x

Silver Tree-that's what I said. I don't know if I recommended a couple books or not but the vibrator thing is just not a good idea to start out with, I totally agree.

Not all therapists are good. I've went through 100 it seems.

If he sees a psychiatrist for meds, he'd be better off asking them this question if they give him time. My psychiatrist is just for med management but he'll also answer anything I ask him. I haven't found a therapist that has been helpful in 12 years for that kind of thing. I'm not saying there aren't good ones. I think some just get creeped/weirded out.

Put it this way, my last one took 15 min of every 50 min session to just write a receipt for my copay. The one before that told me our meeting place, at a church, was compromised so she pretty much ditched me. Didn't return my calls or anything.

Is your wife asexual???

I'm new here but not to the issue of mismatched drive.

First: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE T's ADVICE ABOUT THE VIBRATOR

That advice is doomed to fail and likely to be one more issue you will need to resolve over time. To me it simply is a typical male approach that 'she' has a problem to fix (I am a guy btw). Use this visual: you have a parched and thirsty dog that is presented a bowel of water. If you force its head to the water it will fight you away from the water. This metaphor presumes your wife is thirsty for an orgasm which may not be. I think its a lose:lose thing for you.

This sounds like a relationship issue and one that needs to be resolved together. From my experience, unless you both have a desire to fulfill each others needs, are willing to do the work to understand both the needs and barriers you both have, and actively work on them together, then you will have a serious persistent friction point.

Even though you've not said it's a deal breaker directly you have attempted affair. To me that means it is a potential deal breaker and if not resolved has a big chance of causing serious harm if not divorce.

Some thoughts:
1- any medications being taken by either of you should be evaluated
2 - does she have any history of sexual abuse ?
3 - hormone panels might be useful (thyroid, sex hormones, etc) information to rule out medical issues especially if zero drive or hyper drive. (Though your description sounds like a mis-match in the area of physical sex)
4 - you mention that she engages when you initiate. Lucky you - put a check mark in the "things to be grateful for column"
5 - does she enjoy sex and just not orgasm, and her orgasm is important for you and not her .
6 - is sex with your wife an incredibly deep emotional connection or more mechanical ? She may be missing the near spiritual connection of two souls while you are missing the cascade of orgasm.

I don't want the above to sound judgmental. None of it is intended that way.



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Hi newbie12

Books and therapy and time is probably the best way to go. Maybe a sexual therapist is better for advice.

Sorry you haven't found a therapist you like. A church is maybe a strange place to meet? Though as good a place as any I suppose and if you felt it was the best and safest to talk then...

I don't need to open up about 'that kind of thing' really, but I have thought they would be alright with that subject, how strange. Am sure that you feel uncomfortable now and it makes that feel worse?

I find it hard to talk to any therapist really. It helps to have it, but that's been as much about reflection and challenging myself afterwards, than expressing stuff at the time. I think being honest with T (or anyone) about yourself is really hard.

I hope you find a good therapist x

I just think books can me private. We don't know her but it sounds like she probably wouldn't be up for seeing a sexual therapist either. I was just thinking he could warm her up with books then maybe see where they can go TOGETHER from there.

I don't have a problem talking about anything with anyone really. I just haven't found a therapist that I can be open with. They seem offended if I mention anything taboo.

Plus it's hard to find one taking new patients. Now I think I would like to find one that specializes in bipolar disorder.

Newbie ... I had the same thought as you with my SO. She cannot even talk with me let alone a therapist - and I'm not even in the area of taboo talking. Would love to be but that's a different thread.

For me the Books were met with a defensive posture and sit unread. Therapy might be a neutral place where both can feel validated.

I feel for the OP conundrum.

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Yes it's normal to fantasize about having an affair. I'm in a healthy sexual relationship and I still fantasize about being with other men. Now, there may be some emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled . . . But thems the breaks when it comes to monogamy.

What's not normal is how your wife refuses to seek help or explore her own sexuality. I'm not attacking her, I'm merely stating that she is removed from herself, and this is not normal. It's not healthy for your relationship, and it will begin to cause strife. It sounds like it already has.

It doesn't sound like she is just someone who doesn't like sex, who is non-sexual. It sounds like she has a neurotic aversion towards it. I can almost guarantee your wife probably gets the dirtiest flashes of fantasies going through her mind at times, and she probably feels insanely guilty for it.

Seeing as though her attitude seems to be that only "dirty girls" orgasm, I wonder if she would benefit from being treated like one? Maybe she needs to be put in that mindset in order to orgasm? I realize this may be kinky and extreme to some (it's barely anything to me), but it might actually work. She might benefit from being treated like a dirty girl. Maybe that's what she wants.

I'm not saying to break out a whip and start humiliating her, but maybe you could try something different, like blindfolding her or tying her wrists together. She needs the control taken away from her. She might need some more force.

Or maybe you should talk to her during it. Ask her what she's feeling. Ask if she feels good. Tell her it's okay to let go. Tell her to orgasm for you. Keep telling her. Don't give up.

This is just a thought. I could be totally wrong.

Is there no way you can make your wife orgasm? That's the reason why she says she is not interested in sex - because she is not enjoying it enough! It sounds like she is desperately trying to tell you this but not trying to hurt your feelings so she says things like "There's nothing I can do about it" - i.e. The ball is in YOUR court is what she is actually saying!!! Sorry to have to tell you this stuff so bluntly buddy, but that's what it sounds like to me.

But, nobody's at fault or anything. A female orgasm is not so easy to achieve, some women are more difficult and take some work. You'll have to read up a bit AND then still also ask your wife what she likes (very important!!! You can read all the manuals you like and then you come to your woman and she says "nah, I hate that!" Then you're stuffed and it's back to the drawing board.), but it's not such a mission. Do you ever do things like oral on her or lot's of foreplay? That usually sets any woman off!

Look, OK, I've never been married, and I don't know how the "knowing each other like the back of your hands" factor comes into play, but I've been with a reasonable amount of women (not something I'm proud of at all) and with all I can say they can orgasm after 10-20 minutes just oral. Some are quicker, some can take 40 minutes! If that is the case, she is not relaxed enough with you when it comes to sex, or feels you are judging her or something, and it might be little things you are saying that's triggering it, you never know. But, I mean, from personal experience, women really love foreplay very much and even more than sex. My rule: ladies first! And if they want seconds, thirds or more before I get mine, she's more than welcome! I only give her the full daddy upon request when she has had enough foreplay and wants the real McCoy .

Maybe some toys and stuff won't hurt either. And remember it's a two-way street, if you want to use your mouth "there" and you think it's too hairy or whatever, then say, "It would look so hot and I'd like it so much if you could shave a little down there" or even turn it into a game "If you shave for me down there, I'll give you a nice surprise". Sadly though, if you don't feel too good about it and don't really enjoy your wife's body that much anymore, then you guys unfortunately are having some deeper problems. Also, if she turns down the new, more creative attention you want to give her and says "Oooh, I don't want that" or "rather not" then you guys need to talk. There's something else going on. Remember, wives can withhold sex for numerous reasons, not just because they're not finding it enjoyable. If you think about it, it's the only leverage they've got in a marriage, because the man is in control of pretty much everything else on a non-50/50 basis.

I really hope what I said can help a bit (if you're already doing all this, then I don't know, I'm stumped ), because you don't want to go down "Affair Road". It's the worst way to hurt someone. You are saying to that person non-verbally "You're not a good enough lover for me anymore, and not even your best attempts at love can fulfil me anymore". That will kill them inside, trust me.

And, you need to do something about this now, because the last thing you want is your wife "needing" the services of another guy! At least with toys, it's not another man! I don't want to frighten you, but it seems to be a very real danger in your marriage when I read what you say. She is not saying she is not satisfied, but it sounds like she is not satisfied. That's never good! You need to act like in YESTERDAY, seriously.

Good luck, I hope it all works out. And, another plus, you're wife will love you for it, the new, improved you, suddenly with all these new wild and erotic skills!

No, you must tell her that it will be so sexy if she let's it happen. And you're not lying, it IS - it is really beautiful to see a woman orgasm. After that you hold her tight in your arms and you guys bond on a really primeval level, in a way no words can ever describe. Your marriage will change totally, you'll see. Tell her she's beautiful and you love the way she looks and does things during sex. Tell her it's not dirty. Sounds to me like she is only afraid of judgement. Tell her it's just you and her, and she can let go as much as she wants.

You're so right!!! It IS deep-seated beliefs that are holding her back from just letting go and experiencing it. When women don't orgasm it's because they are not relaxed enough and feel dirty or like they are being judged for example.

I feel so badly for you wife actually. She really seems to have some issues, that's just so terrible. The only cure is to finally make her feel it. But, have you asked her also why really she doesn't want it. It sounds almost like she is afraid of orgasming. Does she have a physical condition or something that if she does get it, then she is in danger of some kind (heart palpitations or high blood pressure or something)? You're going to have to sit her down and find out. And, don't quit, no matter how much she tries to evade it.

I'll put my two cents' worth in here.

To cut through is a tedious and usually never-ending process. My wife was like that: not "into" sex with me though she'd do it and had no qualms against it. She just wasn't that much "into" me either. It took me a very long time to discover just exactly what that meant.

Her real interest was in other things, other people. It took a great deal of time for me to realize this. I grew more and more frustrated with her behavior. She really never seemed to care who I was, what I wanted. All that mattered between us was what she wanted, who was interesting to her, where she was going, etc.

If I had only been honest with myself I would have told her, "This is just crap. You don't please me, you don't need to please me, you don't want to please me, and you probably never can please me. We are incompatible and must get divorced," I'd have saved myself decades of wall-banging and frustration.

Most people who are honest with themselves know that life is exciting and should be exciting and interesting, and sometimes--not rarely but sometimes-- it should be thrilling. And the easiest thrill to have is with someone you love and who loves you. No love without requital.

There are an alarming number of women who get to that age and older without having an orgasm. They might think they have.

It's good that she has admitted to you that she has never had one. It's a bit embarrassing for women to admit too.

I used to only orgasm like once a year during sex with my husband. Now it's almost everytime. That's because I let go of all my inhibitions one day and never looked back.

Maybe she just feels ashamed of feeling like a dirty girl turns her on. Maybe talk to her and ask if that's it.

No no no no no.

If she never had an orgasm ever ever, it is certainly not the OP's fault that she still does not now. And that happens to be a very difficult aspect of common male perspective about it, the idea that a woman's orgasm is an explicit result of their prowess. Negatory. We have our own orgasms.

I had my first on my own when I was 15 and focused on fostering a healthy sexuality in myself. Once I started having sex, I came to be able to have them with my partner in a couple of different ways, and eventually I was able to have the elusive "simultaneous" moments. But although it could be the result of the sex being particularly good for me on a given occasion, it was never as a result of what anyone "did", to me or for me. In fact, the more intently a guy feels that it is about his prowess to give me an orgasm, the harder it would be for me, because the emotional pressure of having to make *them* feel good, while I'm trying to enjoy a "flow" moment, is just too much.

There's absolutely no reason to take on overwhelming responsibility for our orgasms. That just messes things up.

But I don't have specific advice for shakespeare's situation, as clearly my perspective doesn't include any relevant information about potentially having an orgasm for the first time in one's 40s. Except maybe as Gandhi commented about Western civilization, "I think it's a great idea."

Maybe horseback riding? Couples massage session? Idk, but it sounds like you are happy in the relationship, and it would be an unfortunate way to look at it, to suggest that someone's inability to achieve an orgasm could be a dealbreaker, especially if she can't do it -- whether it's a cognitive distortion or not, she believes she can't. But it sounds like you are already focused primarily on all the good that you share with her. She may even surprise you one of these days. Tally ho.

That IS it exactly!