I fantasize about having an affair.

Is this normal? I've had fantasies for several years. My wife isn't all that interested in sex, even though when we were dating, she talked like she was. She claims it's not something she can do anything about. I tend not to believe her... she knows it's an issue, but refuses to seek a solution, despite the fact it is an issue for me.

Anyway, I fantasize about finding a sexual partner who is into sex.... I'd love to find someone who enjoys having an orgasm. I've never even been with a woman who had an orgasm... and I wonder what that is like...

I grew up as a Christian, and now identify as an atheist. I still have some very conservative values, and sometimes I wonder just why that is. I do care about ethics.... I know a little about various forms. I tend to be a utilitarian... The greatest good for the greatest amount of people sounds pretty good to me. So, I can't justify actually having an affair, because there is too much potential for harm.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't have a big house with a spiral staircase and white carpets, so I sometimes fantasise about that Doesn't mean if I was given the opportunity I would have that (especially given how clumsy I am) If you can say the same about your little fantasy, then I am sure it wont cause any harm?

Also if this is just a fantasy and not attached to anyone real then I don't think it is disrespectful to your wife really. x

First of all, you have my heartfelt sympathies. Fantasies are (mostly) harmless, and yours is normal. I have the same problem - I'm psycho-hyper-sexual, and my husband is frigid. It's frustrating, to say the least, but what happens in my head stays in my head, even though he gave me the go-ahead to find a "buddy with benefits." As fun as that sounds, I know that the reality is someone, somewhere along the line, is bound to get hurt. I don't want a "buddy," I want a faceless person that I'm guaranteed to never have to see again or run into accidentally run into. My "relationship" with anyone with other than my husband would have to be be "use once and destroy," and that's just not feasible.

I've actually made feeble attempts to have affairs with people I know... the last time was probably 7 years ago... and it's still embarrassing to think about it... because people tended to pick up on what I was doing.

I'm obviously very conflicted about it.

Then maybe this is a deeper problem that perhaps needs addressing? If you are not happy in your relationship then you need to leave and not have an affair really. If your wife does not want sex, then have you discussed maybe consensually taking on a 'buddy' mama talked about?

I know it must be really difficult and unforefilling for you and I am not judging you or your attempts at an affair btw x

^ the thing is.. I am pretty happy.. and we do have sex... it's just that I wish she was more into it..more willing to even try to have an orgasm... and more willing to get help for her obvious issues.

I have even thought about asking her permission to have an affair. but, even that question has a huge potential for causing harm.

but, then again, maybe my request would motivate her to get help....

forgive me for being judgmental.... but, how could someone get to be in their 40's without ever having had an orgasm?... or even a desire to try to have an orgasm.?.. sometimes I wonder if her mother really screwed her up somehow.

In her mind for men to have orgasms is normal and healthy... but, for women? she has a really weird way of thinking about it. like it's dirty somehow for a woman to want or experience one. and she just continually tries to justify her beliefs... like that's even possible.

Don't do it. It's not something you can ever take back. It would turn your relationship toxic. Your spouse deserves better than that. I could never cheat on my wife for these very reasons. If you are serious about this then your relationship needs to be over with your wife. I am sorry you feel this way.

There is nothing wrong with the fantasy itself, as long as you don't act it out if it has the potential to do damage.

Like already mentioned, there are other issues that need to be addressed here. I think maybe marriage counselling would be really beneficial here. I would also question why your wife has issues with it. If its something that she simply doesn't find interesting then that's fine, but it's the reason behind not wanting to that is important.

I have been with my hubby for 15 years. We used to have LOADS of sex, I mean I was sex mad. Then came medications...well simply, I just have no desire anymore. If my hubby wants to, I will...but I don't enjoy it anymore. He knows this too so keeps it to a minimum. We have learned to cope without it so much...we found strength in the other qualities our relationship has....yes sex is important, but I don't think it is impossible to have a happy relationship without it.

Basically you may have to deal with the fact your wife simply doesn't want to do it. You then have to decide what's more important to you and if your relationship is strong enough without it.

Physical contact is important to me but I get my needs met through a lot of hugs and holding hands. The sex mad girl from years ago would laugh at that.

Whatever you do, please don't ever justify cheating on her....going by what you said, I don't believe it would sit well for you and for the sake of a moment of passion, you could ruin everything you have with your wife...and it would also cause her so much pain.

Sorry I went on, but my point is, no harm in fantasy - as long as you don't act on it and also, important to figure out her reasons for not liking it and then from there you can decide what to do.

Mybe it would open the lines of communication for her to seek some help? I wouldn't like to advise that though as I really don't know you or your partner and I feel it would be irresponsible to encourage you. But maybe it is something you could think about some more?

Again, I couldn't reaaly comment. Has she never engaged in masturbation though? I can see how orgasming with a partner might be an issue for some women, but privately may be a different thing? if so, maybe you could explore that? x

never had an orgasm... claims never to have masturbated. she's never said it out loud... but, I get sense she wants to yell at me "good girls don't masturbate!". we've been married for 15 years, by the way. I know her pretty well.

again... I'm operating on the theory her mother really screwed her up. I have more evidence.... but, it's hard to explain.

Also have you tried connecting sex with more foreplay and tenderness and love? I am not accusing you of being a brute in the bedroom or anything lol But perhaps if the objective is not sex but more touching and intimacy (e'g touching and talking about the parts of each other's body you like or tickling etc.) it might open up a more sensual side to her ?

Sorry if that sounds stupid x

it doesn't sound stupid at all.

one of the reasons I'm so frustrated is that I have tried almost everything. I have tried doing what you mention above.... I've given up, because I can't make her like sex... and she just keeps repeating that she knows it's an issue, but she can't do anything about it. She's convinced herself that she already knows this to be true, so she has no reason to try to change.

It's frustrating, because it's all on me... she will take no responsibility.

Hmmm it is a difficult one then. I suppose you could approach it as it being a human and heavenly experience and a way of a true connection with you in a more emotional way?

Well, the upside to all this, is I know what I will talk about with my T tomorrow. I plan to print off this thread..

Firstly, maybe there is nothing YOU can do to make her like it? Like metioned, there may be deeper issues at hand here. Try not to take it personally, this probably has nothing at all to do with you but all about the issues she has.

No, it is not 'all on you'..thats just your perception.

I really do think therapy is the best way to go for both of you

Ask her why she believes she can't do anything about it...

Having a part of your relationship missing will naturally cause a void in your relationship and that does need addressing imo. Maybe you do have to bite the bullet and throw it out there as a relationship ender? It is clearly NOT alright for you and if she does not take that seriously then perhaps forcing the issue is the only way? Not that I want your wife to feel hurt or anything, but more to wake her up to your own hurt x

The thing is... she just keeps talking to people and talking about the subject in a way that makes it apparrant she already knows the "right"answer.

The thing is.. I really DO NOT want to get divorced. She is a really good person in a lot of ways.... and I want to raise our son together.

I don't it right to tell her its a relationship ender...she has to do this for the right reasons. All you will do is push her further away. Instead, I believe, you need to make it feel safe, secure and healthy to explore the issue. Ok so she says she knows there is an issue but cant do anything about...so, ask her why she thinks there is nothing she can do.

been there... done that... she just "knows". it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am sure you don't and I am not suggesting that you draw up papers or anything. What I am saying is use strong words to gain her attention and realise that this is something important to you and she is risking your future by disregarding that.

Let's face it, atm it is an issue that you feel you need to talk about and want resolving to be happy. What happens if in ten years it becomes a larger issue and cause of resentment for the reason you weren't happy for all these years? Things can build up over time and become the reason you have an affair and brake up your loving family or a loving relationship brakes down. I am not saying it will but maybe forcefully requesting this is dealt with now, could save that in the future? x

been there... done that... she just "knows". it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

she can be very odd and determined about odd issues when she just "knows" she is right. and it's like pulling teeth to get her to see there really is more than one way to look at something...

the shame of it is, she's very intelligent and disciplined... she is currently working on a doctorate.

I have to be very careful... because if I don't play my cards right... I can very easily see her divorcing me, because I'm the bad guy in that I want to have an affair. or I'm the bad guy, because I keep trying to get her to do something "dirty"... but, she'll fail to tell her friends and family that the dirty thing I want her to do is to enjoy sex, and maybe try to have an orgasm...( because she's never had one before. ).

and of course, she'll fail to tell people that she knows I've been frustrated for years over her issues... (her issues being: she knows she can't do anything about her sexual desire... she knows orgasms are for "dirty" girls, not her). Edit: but, instead of offering to get help... she decided it's not something she can do anything about..

Aren't I a terrible monster?

Then maybe now isn't the right time for her to explore the reasons. Maybe you need to give her time....and possibly nothing may change with time but one thing is clear....she is not ready to deal with it! I don't think forcing her hand is the right thing to do I really don't.

Look, I know sex is important but really, it is just sex...sorry its just my opinion but I feel sorry for her. Why should she do something she really doesn't want to do? Why is it we see her as the one with the problem?

We are allowed to be very expressive and free with desire and passion when I truly believe, people should take more control. If someone doesn't like sex, why should we want to FIX THEM.

So maybe one possibility is, neither of you are right here, why should any of you do something about it? You may be forced to decide whether you can carry on without it. What comes across to me is your fear that she doesn't enjoy it, and I think its all for the wrong reasons, I think your ego is getting in the way a bit.

OR maybe all of the above is wrong Only you and your wife can figure this out but it has to be in a way that is healthy and safe for you both

I can see your point.... and that's why I'm still with her. Like I said.. I'll talk it over with my T.... after I let him read all this.

I am obviously frustrated about all this.. and I don't get many chances to talk about it.

It is hard for me to see this as anything other than her issues with sex.... issues that I didn't know existed until after we were married. If I had known she was like this.. I would not have married her.