[Vivianne]

I was raised in a strict environment, with the idea that I could get one and only one boyfriend, lose my virginity to him, and eventually marry him.

I was sexually abused by an acquaintance when I was 25 - I became psychologically traumatized, but it did not involve my losing my virginity.

Finally, I started dating someone this year (I'm 27, he was 26 and out of a long-term relationship for one year).

He started pressuring me for sex pretty early (even though he was aware of my past abuse), and I "gave in" two months into the relationship (we started dating after a 5-month friendship). The whole act was painful, I asked him to stop at a certain point, because I couldn't stand the pain any more, but he didn't stop until he was done. I bled profusely for 3-4 days and felt pain in that area for nearly one week.

We had agreed to meet the day after, but to my disappointment, he eventually refused to meet, because he was too busy (as he was getting ready for a two-week trip). So I was alone, bleeding, worried... He left for the trip and lost interest in talking to me once he knew I wasn't bleeding any more. He would hardly talk to me afterwards, spending his free time checking porno (as I could see from his Facebook). He only regained interest the day before his arrival.

I felt the whole situation was disturbing, was feeling awful about myself, and told him I wanted to break up. But he had a book I wanted back. He told me I had to go to his place if I wanted the book back. Once I was there, he was trying to emotional blackmail me ("we have been through so much together, it's a pity if we break up now"), and pressuring for sex again (trying to show me his private area).

Last thing he said, he had bought a new bed and invited me to try it out. I blocked him on my phone and on Facebook, after sending a message explaining I do not wish to see him again.

I feel bad about myself because I couldn't do it to the standard my parents wanted for me, but at the same time I feel grossed out by my now ex. I can't help but mourn my virginity :-(

And now I'm afraid of sex after this experience. Is it normal to feel the way I'm feeling?

[kaliope]

I think it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling. the whole experience was very traumatic for you. you were not respected and treasured as you should have been. you had all this pressure put on you by your parents, which is unrealistic for this day and age..i know that..my mom brainwashed me to believe if I ever wore a tampon I wouldn't be a virgin...everything came down to being a virgin with her. so you must have a multitude of mixed emotions over losing your virginity before marriage in such an unloving way. when the right guy comes along he will make up for this and you will lose your fears. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Vivianne]

My mother does not know that I lost my virginity, it would only add up to my trauma.

My ex assumed I would tolerate any kind of treatment since I agreed to have my first time with him. It wasn't my intention to break up with him, but I think if I stay by his side, I will never receive any affection, and I will never experience pleasure during sex.

I have been having nightmares about my first time...

Thanks for your reply and your warm welcome!

[spondiferous]

Hi Vivianne.
It sounds to me like you made the right decision by breaking up with him. If you asked him to stop, and he didn't, that is not the kind of person you want to be with, ever. Your instincts about how that relationship would turn out are right.
Also, I think it's normal how you feel about what your parents/mom might think if they knew, but you are an adult and it is really none of their business. But again I do see how that would be a concern and something you might feel guilt and shame about.
In all of this, I think it's important to remember that you did not ask for this. It is not your fault. And it might take awhile to heal from it, possibly even a long while, and that is okay too. Trust your body. It will let you know what is right, and what is not.
I am really sorry this happened to you, and I wish you strength and healing. You are in my thoughts.

[buzz bee]

My experience was all but the same. I was 15 and he was 20!! It hurt so bad and I refused to do it again with him. I never heard from him again. (the A-hole didnt even respect me enough to pull out and I was not on birth control)

I have my regrets as well. I wish I could say something magical and wonderful to make you feel better. All I can do is offer a hug and tell you not to be to hard on yourself. Guys are really good at the pressure game.

[Myotherlife]

Vivienne said, "My mother does not know that I lost my virginity, it would only add up to my trauma."

There is no law, natural or otherwise, that says you have to disclose anything about your sexual activities to your parents or to anyone else. If they expect you to be that open with them, well, that's just too bad. And if they were to judge you negatively because you "lost your virginity," well, they need a head shake. You are human, and therefore sexual, and humans do what humans do, and most of us do what we do to the best of their ability.

I'm guessing that you were taught very little about sexuality, and that some very strong sex-negative lessons were pressed on you. However, it might be useful for you to think not of the hurt that your boyfriend caused (you are right to drop him permanently), but there is this: you learned some valuable lessons about sexuality and people. I hope you can move on from here, and pay more attention — much more! — to your needs than to your parents' needs.

Other

[Harley47]

Hi Vivianne. Welcome to PC.

You've been given a lot of good advice here already. I did want to add in though, please don't feel bad about what happened. What he did to you, in my opinion, is damn near unforgivable...if you said "stop" at ANY point, he should have immediately stopped out of basic human courtesy. For him to continue onwards is wrong. Very wrong. Furthermore, his lack of communication and attitude towards you after the fact speaks to a selfish, immature individual. I think you made a very wise decision in breaking up with him.

I must ask out of concern...has the bleeding and discomfort stopped? It's normal for it to be sore and perhaps bleed a little the first time, as the act rips a small mucous membrane that tends to cause bleeding and discomfort, but my understanding (which please ladies, do correct me if I'm mistaken) is that it should not be profuse, nor should it hurt for a week. Again, it strikes me as incredibly callous that he would continue despite signs of discomfort...I am happy to know he is out of the picture.

That said, don't beat yourself up about it Vivianne. You, at 27 years old, are a consenting adult. You have the right to make your own decisions. You don't owe your parents any sort of status report on your sex life. Simply because you made a decision contrary to their expectations is no cause for feeling bad. You are you, not an extension of your parents. And please, don't fear sex because of this...this guy was obviously in it solely for himself, but that's not what it is. It's not what it should be. This is not the standard by which you should judge. Provided that the next guy you share this with shows more concern for you than this guy did, it should be a pleasurable, enjoyable experience. Your partner should always show concern for your well being and respect to you. Your ex showed you neither, thus I believe resulting in this.

Hugs Vivianne. Don't beat yourself up...you didn't do anything wrong. He did, I would certainly argue, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs,
Harley

[Vivianne]

Hello everyone! I stopped following this thread just a few days after starting it, and I think I should write a follow-up.

I was bleeding for one week, and in pain for nearly 2 weeks (it was difficult to sit). I have been reading more about the topic of virginity and sex and I think it was too much bleeding for just the loss of the hymen, he must have caused some extra wound. In fact it might have been due to my lack of lubrication (there was no foreplay, and in general, even asking him for a kiss was like asking for a big favor).

I haven't heard from my ex since then. I have an amazing boyfriend, though. I asked him if that would be ok with him if we wait for a few months before having intercourse, because I have a past trauma, and he is fine with this. "We are not in a hurry, we have our whole lives ahead of us", he said.

[Harley47]

He sounds like a good guy...I'm happy for you.

Two weeks in pain is almost certainly out of the ordinary...have you seen your doctor, by chance? If he caused an internal injury, it needs to be addressed ASAP.

Lack of lubrication may certainly have contributed to the discomfort, but even then it shouldn't have caused two weeks' worth. My suspicion is that he possibly caused a tear in the musculature...nothing that isn't fixable by any means, but certainly worth checking out. Foreplay and making sure you're "ready" is a must...not only for comfort but for safety.

Again, I am thrilled the ex is out of the picture...here's hoping karma is indeed a thing.

Many hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Vivianne

I felt the whole situation was disturbing, was feeling awful about myself, and told him I wanted to break up But he had a book I wanted back. He told me I had to go to his place if I wanted the book back.

Books are fairly cheap these days thanks to Amazon, unless it was a university textbook or a treatise. It might have been better to call it quits over the phone or in another non-in-person way and cut your losses, which include the virginity lost in a way that was far less than optimal and the book. I mean - for you, with your upbringing, the virginity was a big thing. Your mourn that loss now. So having lost something so "expensive" why did you care about a "cheap" book? There is a Russian saying that translates as: "Once the house is on fire, it does not matter much if a shed in the backyard catches fire."

Alternatively, you could have mailed him a prepaid envelope with your return address so that he could just drop off the book at the nearest mailbox or kinko's for fedex.

But in no event should you have bitten the bait.

I mean - it is not chivalrous of him to tell you that you had to come to pick up the book. He should have offered to drop it off or to mail it to your home address. Since he did not do that, and this is something he should have done on his own without being prompted or guided, it was by then a lost cause - the book incident is very telling.

Taking your virginity in such a rude, disrespectful, and egotistic fashion was bad enough for the main course; the book incident was the "dessert". Enough now.

I think the expectations of your parents are unrealistic, but you are entitled to and should reasonably expect to be meeting chivalrous guys. Discards go into the discard pile.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, and go to your local Planned Parenthood to be checked out thoroughly. I would also take liquid iron since you bled so much - bleeding may cause anemia. Anemia in turn causes depression, and you do not want physiological depression added on to your situational depression. Floradix with Iron is available at Amazon and drugstore.com and tastes very yummy. Buy one bottle, take it for a month (keeping it in the fridge), and by the end of the month you will be much happier, having put the experience behind you and having taken a good supplement. Floradix also contains all the B vitamins, which supposedly are good with mood and anxiety disorders, and since you are on this board, you might suffer from them... right?

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, you are in Denmark. So Floradix is made in Germany and in Denmark might be available at regular supermarkets.

[Vivianne]

Hello! Thanks for all your advice :-) The virginity was lost before I tried to get my book back. It was an antique. Anyway when I went to get my book I could see what type of person he was (I didn't do anything with him on that occasion).

Before meeting, I said I would tranfer him the money for sending the book, but he insisted I had to go to his place. When I met in person, he said he had acted that way because he really wanted to see me (but I know what this means, he wanted to play mind games with me so that I wouldn't break up with him). I accepted to go to his place because I had a friend going with me (I explained the break up situation to him), but he eventually had a last-minute errand and I had to go alone.

[hamster-bamster]

I did realize that the virginity was lost BEFORE, and precisely because of that said that once the house is on fire, it does not matter much if the shed catches fire.

Saying that you would transfer him the money is not the same as sending him a prepaid envelope with your address without any verbal commentary. Two very different things.

Getting another guy to accompany you was a good idea, and it would have been ok to postpone the visit until after the errand.

No damage done and you saw what kind of a person he was, insisting and playing mind games.

A better idea yet would have been to meet all three of you - this guy, you, and your guy friend - at a public place such as a coffee house and there this guy would have turned the book over to you.

Again, no damage done but these are tips for the future.

[krisakira]

If you were in the act of sex, and you asked him to stop, and he didn't and continued, that is rape. Just putting that out there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you get therapy or some kind of professional help for this. Rape is not something to just put in the back of your head as though it doesn't exist. It needs to be processed.

[Vivianne]

He guilted me into having sex with him. He said we could not be considered a real couple if we didn't have sex, and I really wanted things to work between us :-( I was very serious about the relationship, and so were my and his family.

to hamster-bamster: prepaid envelopes exist, but that is only when you send something light, like a letter or a small object, I do not think there is a prepaid option for heavy objects. But now that I think about it I could have hired a courrier to pick it up...

to krisakira: I know that since the moment I said no it is considered rape. But I was stupid and I was in love when it happened... I thought from that moment on he was going to be more affectionate and treat me like a girlfriend and not like a doormat...

[hamster-bamster]

Technically speaking, Krisakira is right.

Loosely speaking, since he manipulated you into having sex by guilting you, it is not a criminally defined rape, but it is bordering on at least abuse.

Yes a courier is another option. Remember most of us are in US and here you can prepay for any amount. So I did not know you could not. But since you thought of a courier, you are already thinking along the right lines of independence and boundaries, so you are better prepared for whoever and whatever come next...