[unplugmealready]

I know this is a controversial subject but hear me out. Here is the scenario. I am 31 years old and in no way intent on putting my privates away and never using them every again. The truth is my wife doesn't care for sex and can go months without it. In fact the only time it happens is when I complain about it. Now I have tried all the tricks of the trade and none of it has worked. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not at all a part of her, her mother is the same as this awkwardly has also been discussed with her father in the past. I just don't know what else to do. In the past I had an affair to make up for what I felt I had been starved of. But I left thatlife behind and don't know what to do this time. I love her and I love my family but I need a little attention and fun at least once in a while. Is that to much to ask for? Any help welcome

[kaliope]

having an affair is messy and hurtful. you never know what type of attachments can come out of it and how the woman will behave and it could ruin your marriage. is this something you can talk to your wife about? discuss the possibility of having an open marriage so you can get your needs met?

[unplugmealready]

I highly doubt she would go for it. Plus I don't want to hurt her, or anyone else for that matter. I just want sex as crude as that sounds. For me is also a feeling of closeness and a feeling that I am actually loved and not just there to clean the house or look after my child etc. I currently feel like we are 2 separate people living under one roof

[waiting4]

An open marriage might be the thing for you, but I agree with kaliope....there is no way to know how the other woman will react, and if emotions get involved, it quite easily could destroy your marriage. Talking to her about it might be helpful...if she won't consent or objects strenuously to any change, possibly marriage counselling could be considered instead.

In any case, I do sympathize with you and your situation.....Hope things get better quickly.

[unplugmealready]

Thank you. I have asked in the past for marriage counselling and she just made up excuses to justify the lack of sex and avoided it. The whole concept of an open marriage seems like delaying the inevitable of a break up though. I suppose I just wish she would consider my feelings too. I have to tiptoe around her with many things and she is very headstrong and can be quite bossy where as I will just suffer in silence most of the time

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by unplugmealready

Thank you. I have asked in the past for marriage counselling and she just made up excuses to justify the lack of sex and avoided it. The whole concept of an open marriage seems like delaying the inevitable of a break up though. I suppose I just wish she would consider my feelings too. I have to tiptoe around her with many things and she is very headstrong and can be quite bossy where as I will just suffer in silence most of the time

I think at this point then, you need to take care of your emotional health and talk to a counsellor yourself, with or without her. I am sorry this is happening, but no matter what your decision ultimately is, talking it out with a therapist can be very helpful....sounds like you need support more than ever now.

Good luck

[unplugmealready]

I think I will have to. Because I don't want to slip into any bad habits, or just letting it well up inside, and later resenting her for it. I just know I have booked appointments for counselling before and then chickened out last minute because I think I won't be able to tell them my issues. I am not very good at getting the words out or I just get too anxious

[krisakira]

Sorry to have to say this, but the world does not owe you sex, and neither does your wife. Your marriage is more than just sex. If you feel you can't handle this, then you need to divorce your wife before you start having sex with other people. My husband only wants sex maybe once a month. But marriage is more than the ability to stick your **** into something.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by krisakira

Sorry to have to say this, but the world does not owe you sex, and neither does your wife. Your marriage is more than just sex. If you feel you can't handle this, then you need to divorce your wife before you start having sex with other people. My husband only wants sex maybe once a month. But marriage is more than the ability to stick your **** into something.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're a bit frustrated in your own situation. I just think the response you gave...the last part particularly was a bit harsh, and not altogether helpful. Maybe it just came out that way.

I understand how the OP feels, but I agree, cheating is not the way to go, which I stated. However, speaking as a woman, I could NOT be in a relationship with a man if sex was only to be had once a month. I wouldn't cheat, but I probably would seek a divorce.

It's not just the sex, btw or where he sticks his ............it's about the intimacy of making love. If I have to do without that, I'd just as soon be alone.

[unplugmealready]

Thank you waiting4 I was struggling how to word that. And just to elaborate, I do not see it from one month to the next, which in turn hurts my ego, makes me question my own appeal to my wife and also makes me wonder if she is being pleased by someone else somewhere else. Last time I had anything worth calling intimate was 4 months ago. In my opinion there is something not right in that

[unplugmealready]

She doesn't even pay me a compliment. I compliment her every day without fail

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by unplugmealready

Thank you waiting4 I was struggling how to word that. And just to elaborate, I do not see it from one month to the next, which in turn hurts my ego, makes me question my own appeal to my wife and also makes me wonder if she is being pleased by someone else somewhere else. Last time I had anything worth calling intimate was 4 months ago. In my opinion there is something not right in that

Yeah, there is a definate issue there....I do think you need to see a T..I know it's difficult, but honestly, you'll feel sooooo much better after you do. Please try. For yourself.

I really think that WOULD be helpful.

[unplugmealready]

I will thank you. And as I said, I know it's a controversial issue, because morally affairs are wrong and up until meeting my wife I was faithful to every woman I had ever been with. I wasn't some serial cheater. I was and still am, mentally unstable and at my wits end. And not just because of sex. But it has become a bigger issue because of it being so non existent

[krisakira]

I am not frustrated, I have learned to be intimate with my husband aside from having sex, because it's what you do when you love someone. If you need sex, DIVORCE her and find someone willing to satisfy your needs. An affair is NEVER the way to go. Ever. She deserves more respect than that.

[unplugmealready]

Yes I do need sex. But not in the seedy "stick my ... into" way as you appear to portray me. I am a person with thoughts, feelings, desires, wants and needs. Like anyone else. And yes I see sex as, not the be all and end all, but as part of a healthy sustaining relationship. And if it isn't there then I begin to doubt myself and my situation. I'm fully aware that she deserves respect, also I am fully aware of the destruction that affairs cause. But at the same token I also deserve respect. And I also deserve to feel loved and more to the point....wanted. Especially when she knew she the type of man she agreed to marry

[krisakira]

First off, I am portraying you the way you have portrayed yourself in your original post, where you stated that you just wanted a little fun every now and then. Just going off of what you have already said. Secondly, did your marriage vows include the frequency of sex demanded from each other? Third, what does your wife think about the affair you already had and wish to have again?

[krisakira]

Also, do you think the person you would have an affair with would fill your void of wanting to be loved, respected, and wanted?

[unplugmealready]

Okay 1. Is sex not fun? Because if it's a chore then it's the only one I enjoy doing.
2. Its not a demand and there is no frequency to it.
3. Doesn't justify giving an answer.
I posed this question because I was asking for help. Not abuse.

And to the last one yes, that was what I had hoped for. Because that is what I was searching for.

[krisakira]

You are demanding it from your wife by basically saying "have sex with me or I will cheat on you." Sex is fun, but is it fun enough to lose your wife over? Look it's clearly about more than just having fun sex. You're not getting what you want from your wife and chances are it won't change. That's why I offered the advice of divorcing her.

[wife22]

marriage is a combination of deep friendship,partnership and intimacy,which entails also physical intimacy.All of them are important for healthy foundation and successful marriage.Lack of one may be very frustrating and will undermine the relationship.Try openly discussing your feeling and relaying your frustration same way you expressed here.Maybe she needs to see a counselor as well.But whatever you do,make sure there is no resentment and regret, building up from your actions,which would eventually ruin your relationship.
All the best to you

[unplugmealready]

Thank you. I am prepared to take all advice on board even if some of the replies appear a little more sharp tongued than I would have liked. It's not that I want an affair. Is that I am more venting my frustrations because I feel I can't make my own marriage work. So I wanted to know if there was other options. Maybe I need to sit her down also and find out if she herself is happy and if there is anything I can do for her as well as me. I don't know. All I know is that I personally feel rejected and unloved and unwanted by her in more ways than one

[krisakira]

You need to find other ways to feel loved and wanted by her. That's what I did with my husband, because I love him very much and chose not to leave him despite the lack of frequent sex. I feel loved by him when we hold hands, when we have long conversations about nothing and everything, and when we hug and even go grocery shopping and work together as a team. I feel wanted when he says nice things to me, and when he wants to cuddle with me. There are other ways to get what you are seeking than sex. That's why a marriage can work in those other ways. But if that's not enough for you, you really need to consider what you would benefit from by having meaningless sex with another woman. I mean if it didn't work the first time, why consider it again? Let out your frustrations all you need to, that is what PC is for. Glad you have found this place to vent, and I see you have just joined. Know also, that people are going to have very different views, and not take things so lightly all the time. It is the attitude of people thinking their spouse owes them sex that makes for sexual abuse in marriages. I don't tolerate it at all. It's call coercion, which is basically manipulating someone or guilt tripping someone into having sex, which can be almost as damaging as real sexual assault. It was for me. So, just know other people have their opinions and emotions about certain issues. I was being blunt to make a point, not to abuse you like you have accused me of. You seem to need a wake up call. Something needs to change in your marriage, and I suggest you have counseling soon.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by wife22

marriage is a combination of deep friendship,partnership and intimacy,which entails also physical intimacy.All of them are important for healthy foundation and successful marriage.Lack of one may be very frustrating and will undermine the relationship.Try openly discussing your feeling and relaying your frustration same way you expressed here.Maybe she needs to see a counselor as well.But whatever you do,make sure there is no resentment and regret, building up from your actions,which would eventually ruin your relationship.
All the best to you

I completely and totally agree with you, and also...as a side note...found your advice to the OP as kind, considering and utterly lacking in retort.

I can't add another thing, as you've said it perfectly. Thank you.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by krisakira

You need to find other ways to feel loved and wanted by her. That's what I did with my husband, because I love him very much and chose not to leave him despite the lack of frequent sex. I feel loved by him when we hold hands, when we have long conversations about nothing and everything, and when we hug and even go grocery shopping and work together as a team. I feel wanted when he says nice things to me, and when he wants to cuddle with me. There are other ways to get what you are seeking than sex. That's why a marriage can work in those other ways. But if that's not enough for you, you really need to consider what you would benefit from by having meaningless sex with another woman. I mean if it didn't work the first time, why consider it again? Let out your frustrations all you need to, that is what PC is for. Glad you have found this place to vent, and I see you have just joined. Know also, that people are going to have very different views, and not take things so lightly all the time. It is the attitude of people thinking their spouse owes them sex that makes for sexual abuse in marriages. I don't tolerate it at all. It's call coercion, which is basically manipulating someone or guilt tripping someone into having sex, which can be almost as damaging as real sexual assault. It was for me. So, just know other people have their opinions and emotions about certain issues. I was being blunt to make a point, not to abuse you like you have accused me of. You seem to need a wake up call. Something needs to change in your marriage, and I suggest you have counseling soon.

I'm glad you've found the place that brings you happiness with your husband. However, I think your comments WERE more sharp than required, and rather bitter tasting. I don't think the OP needed a 'wake up call'. He seems to be woken up to his dilemma quite unhappily, and I for one, understand why.

The subject he requested help on is a touchy one, and yes, people will disagree and base their opinions on personal experience, past and present. However, that does NOT give them the right to make another person feel small or ashamed in their feelings.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong...they are feelings and as human beings we have them, and deserve to have our feelings validated...not dismissed based on someone else's assumptions.

I truly believe you wanted to help. However, I also believe your methods were far more harsh than necessary...any response that causes another person to attempt to defend themselves..........IS NOT HELPFUL. Period.

[unplugmealready]

Which is why although I may have got my back up a little and felt I need to defend myself, I still take on board all advice. I would never force my wife to do anything. Neither physically or mentally. The same cannot be said for her unfortunately as she used psychological manipulation to get me to go back to her the first time. Especially using the threat of me not seeing my child ever again. Also using sex inorder toget me back. Which in turn is probably why i am here asking these questions. But that is a different story. And I have to forgive her for that and understand why she did it.