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Old Aug 30, 2009, 03:38 PM
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Katileena Katileena is offline
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Location: Wisconsin
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I think the greatest underlying issue I have that has caused all of my other issues (depression, self-injury, relationships, etc.) is my self-esteem. All my life I have felt inadequate or awkward in situations. So, as a child and young adult, I combated this feeling with over-achievement. I won numerous awards in art and painting, was a straight A student, a scholarship winner in high school. I achieved to gain validation for my own self-esteem. I built my self-esteem on other people's reactions. When I was little, I can remember drawing something then going right to my parents to make sure I got their approval.

Now I still paint, and draw. But only sometimes, and usually I don't show anyone. I still seek validation, but in a way that is so harmful to myself and my self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find boyfriends or even just friends to validate myself and make me feel better about myself. I fish for compliments so I hear from another person that I'm beautiful, nice, etc. because the person inside me says I'm stupid, ugly, a failure.

So my question is, how do I learn to build my own self-esteem without others validating my worth? It seems impossible for me since all my life I just wanted others' praise. I think if I can figure out this issue, everything else in my life will fall into place and I won't have to resort to negative habits (alcohol, SI, etc).

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

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  #2  
Old Sep 01, 2009, 03:54 PM
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VickiesPath VickiesPath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katileena View Post
I think the greatest underlying issue I have that has caused all of my other issues (depression, self-injury, relationships, etc.) is my self-esteem. All my life I have felt inadequate or awkward in situations. So, as a child and young adult, I combated this feeling with over-achievement. I won numerous awards in art and painting, was a straight A student, a scholarship winner in high school. I achieved to gain validation for my own self-esteem. I built my self-esteem on other people's reactions. When I was little, I can remember drawing something then going right to my parents to make sure I got their approval.

Now I still paint, and draw. But only sometimes, and usually I don't show anyone. I still seek validation, but in a way that is so harmful to myself and my self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find boyfriends or even just friends to validate myself and make me feel better about myself. I fish for compliments so I hear from another person that I'm beautiful, nice, etc. because the person inside me says I'm stupid, ugly, a failure.

So my question is, how do I learn to build my own self-esteem without others validating my worth? It seems impossible for me since all my life I just wanted others' praise. I think if I can figure out this issue, everything else in my life will fall into place and I won't have to resort to negative habits (alcohol, SI, etc).

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

Hello, Katileena!

I read your post and I thought two things:

1) OMG, this young lady sounds exactly like me.

2) It probably didn't help her self-esteem that no one answered her post very quickly!

I have a little something to offer you if you will allow me. I was very much like you when I was young. My parents were both alcoholic and there were four of us children and I will not say that we lived in squalor or anything like that. We lived well, in a middle class fashion. But my parents were emotionally unavailable and when we were old enough to take care of ourselves and the younger children, they would be gone to the bars. In other words, when they had a choice to spend time with us, they would choose not to. There were also some issues with my mother, in that she had trouble showing affection to us.

I guess what I am trying to explain to you is that self-esteem begins very early in a child. It has nothing to do with money or status, but has everything to do with how valuable the parent makes the child feel. If it does not begin in the home and continue in the home, it is hard to obtain.

When I was a child, I was very gifted musically. I played several instruments and sang. My parents would have friends over and would have me entertain them. That was the one thing I knew pleased them. Therefore, naturally, I developed it. I played piano, guitar, banjo, mandolin, and just about anything else I could get my hands on. I have perfect pitch. This was something I did all through public school and college, even using my talent to help pay for college. I also over-achieved in school, graduating with honors.

But once I was out of school and began learning that there was something terribly wrong with my self-esteem, I was lost. Eventually, I started reading self-help books and workbooks. One set of audio tapes that helped me tremendously was by Nathaniel Brandon called The Psychology of High Self-Esteem. He uses guided imagery to take you back through different stages of your life and sort of re-write your own history in your mind. I'm not sure if it is still in publication but I recommend it highly.

Today, I don't worry so much about proving my value to anyone. I am happy with who I am. But it was a long road getting here. I know you can do it, too. It takes some work, there is no short way around it.

I wish you the best. If I can help you in any way, let me know.
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Thanks for this!
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  #3  
Old Sep 01, 2009, 04:45 PM
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Katileena Katileena is offline
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Thank you for replying Vickie! Yes I kept checking the forum but no one ever replied this topic maybe isn't very popular? I'm not sure....because it should be! Self-esteem is everything...

I'm glad to hear you worked through your self-esteem issues...I am hoping I can start down the same path. The part that confuses me though, is that when I look back on my child hood, my parents always did their best to build me up...they were always the ones that praised me...always there at piano recitals and art contests. So I'm not sure what happened...but ever since I was little I struggled to connect to my peers, and I think that is the underlying problem. I am constantly judging myself based on what other people do. Or even worse...I judge myself based on who I used to be! I hate myself for what I have become because the person I was 5 years ago would have been such a better person than who I am now. My parents even say sometimes "who are you and what have you done with our daughter." (Well, my dad says that when he's angry.)

Anyway, thank you for the advice. I'll go to the library and see what I can find to help. I'm also going to a counselor (trying a new one, again) this week, so we'll see how that goes.
  #4  
Old Sep 01, 2009, 06:01 PM
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VickiesPath VickiesPath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katileena View Post
Thank you for replying Vickie! Yes I kept checking the forum but no one ever replied this topic maybe isn't very popular? I'm not sure....because it should be! Self-esteem is everything...

I'm glad to hear you worked through your self-esteem issues...I am hoping I can start down the same path. The part that confuses me though, is that when I look back on my child hood, my parents always did their best to build me up...they were always the ones that praised me...always there at piano recitals and art contests. So I'm not sure what happened...but ever since I was little I struggled to connect to my peers, and I think that is the underlying problem. I am constantly judging myself based on what other people do. Or even worse...I judge myself based on who I used to be! I hate myself for what I have become because the person I was 5 years ago would have been such a better person than who I am now. My parents even say sometimes "who are you and what have you done with our daughter." (Well, my dad says that when he's angry.)

Anyway, thank you for the advice. I'll go to the library and see what I can find to help. I'm also going to a counselor (trying a new one, again) this week, so we'll see how that goes.
What is it that your dad means when he says that?

Also, there is a difference between a parent who loves the things you do and a parent who loves who you are. Children sense that. That may be the root of the problem.
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  #5  
Old Sep 04, 2009, 04:13 AM
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Katileena Katileena is offline
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My dad has a certain image of who I am....because I am his daughter...the one who will fulfill all his dreams of success (atleast thats how I see it). So when I fail...when I feel like I am not measuring up....when I **** up and land in the psych ward because I overdosed on antidepressants and was in the ER.....

yeah...

I guess those things make him think I'm not the daughter he thought I was...or something...but I'm trying....I want to be great....its just hard when you're all alone...and there's alcohol....I'm probably going to miss class tomorrow....wow I am so ADD on this post....Im everywhere...you prob dont know WTF is going on
  #6  
Old Sep 30, 2009, 12:42 PM
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billieJ billieJ is offline
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Dear Katileena,You say you built your self esteem on other people's reactions. I did the same thing, running to my very supportive mother with all the things that I wrote. All my school years, I worked to make straight A's and all my work life I worked to be the best and hardest worker, all for praise from others. I guess we never learned how to reward ourselves. I know about alcohol and such for escape and false feelings of being great and relieving pain. I still have a long way to go, but I have learned that everyone has self-esteem issues, and the way to be attractive to them is to make them feel attractive and to stop worrying about being attractive ourselves. Other-centeredness is attractive to others and also works to make us forget about ourselves. Caring About You ~ billieJ
  #7  
Old Oct 11, 2009, 10:24 PM
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jensasweetie jensasweetie is offline
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Billie -

Thank you for your post. I can see myself on so many levels even now. I think through these posts I may see the root of my problems (possibly) so I guess now I just have to figure out how to fix them.

I can say that I do believe there isn't anything I can't do. I have accomplished so much that I do like myself enough to see this. My depth of the issue is beyond that on an emotional side I guess. You know when you are alone and don't necessarily like what you see in the mirror?

I know that sounds sad and miserable; I do think it is a step of this journey in the right direction; see it, admit and act....

Thanks !!!

Jen
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  #8  
Old Oct 13, 2009, 03:12 PM
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littlelou littlelou is offline
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i can relate to a lot of whats been said, im currently going to group run by my comunity mental health time thats specifically for self esteem. lot of what they say is that our self esteem is developed based on childhoold experinces and thats where all our beliefs about ourselves is formed. then a kinda cycle develops which keeps re-enforcing the low self esteem like the negative thinking etc.

im only half way through the course and omg its hard going. they keep telling us that its taken years for our self esteem to become what it is and that it wont change over night. sorry for rambling might be more useful once ive finished the course (though not holding out much hop)
  #9  
Old Oct 23, 2009, 06:21 AM
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Katileena Katileena is offline
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Wow I havn't been back to this thread in a while.

Littlelou - its great you're in a course for self esteem! I wish they had something like that where I live. I'm still finding it hard to like myself. I have so many people that say good things about me, who tell me I'm beautiful and smart and talented and all that...I listen but I dont actually hear any of it. As soon as my mind triggers the "I'm recieving a compliment" mode I shut down. How do you get over this? I don't know how to start seeing what other people see. Because all I see is a mess...a mess of a girl who is just going to wreck everything around her.
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