I need to share this..

I am not quite sure which is the appropriate board for this (meaning Relationships) - but anyway - this just happened.

For many many months I have been utterly mortified with the changes in my body. Both self-induced and thyroid/age induced. Anyway - it has become increasingly difficult for me to 'be me' with my husband. I find that I stay up late - so that he will go to sleep first, anything, just to avoid intimacy. And this is despite craving and needing and wanting intimacy more than anything.

I just hate my body and look at myself and find NOTHING desirable. NOTHING pretty. NOTHING remotely attractive. If I feel this and see this - how must he feel? (Bearing in mind that he has told me he does not like 'fat' women).

Anyway - it is a really long story, of years standing - but just a little while ago - he touched me and I cringed and backed away as usual. I could see the frustration in his eyes. He told me he has needs. I responded that needs are fine but what about desire - he said he desired me. I looked him in the eye and asked how? How could he possibly? He asked what I meant? I told him that I cannot find myself desirable ON ANY LEVEL, and knowing him the way I do, how could he? He looked at me and said "because I love you".

I am too emotional to say much more right now.

Dear Sabrina...... please do keep in mind that LOVE precedes the natural lustful desire for a persons body for mere sexual pleasure and that your husband wants and desires to with YOU out of his LOVE for YOU and not just from his youthful male need / lust for sex.... MEN visually bond to whatever they see visually when they have the big "O" and you my dear lady is what he sees, therefore, what he wants.

DO NOT be so tough on YOURSELF..... as many of us females are as our bodies change with birth and age..... HE really does LOVE the YOU he has and HOLDS in his arms.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

BTW - men NEED sex to feel LOVED.... they emotionally bond to their woman during the moments before and during SEX (the big "O").... a God created blue print in them.

FACTS on MEN & SEX....

1.) Sex will unlock his emotions

2.) Your desire for him profoundly affects his sense of well being

3.) Sex (or lack of it) will affects his confidence in all areas of life

4.) Sex fills a powerful emotion need in all men

5.) A sexless marriage will wound

6.) Sex makes him feel loved – he cant feel it without it

7.) Your man wants to be wanted by you

8.) Sex fulfills a deep sense of loneliness within men

9.) Your love (sex) erases the isolation he feels

10.) Men feel alive when sex works – they feel better all around

11.) Sex is a release of pressure from every day stress

12.) Never respond out of duty, he hears you don’t care – don’t want him

13.) Men feel loved by sexual caresses – he is cherished

14.) NO – is not no to sex but to him as he is…

15.) Men have both a physical and emotional need for sex

16.) Men cant just turn it off – lack of sex is Emotional Pain

17.) Sex is essential to his feeling & being loved and desired

18.) Sex counteracts stress, fears and loneliness. (even an affair)

19.) Be a wild cat with HIM!! The bed is undefiled within marriage.

20.) Always make sex a priority with your marriage

21.) Locate your husbands Love Signals and make them happen


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

....................

(((((((((((((( Sabrina ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Sabrina)))))))))))))))

I don't know what to reply but I hear you. I am sorry!

Please don't hijack a thread... thanks!

Yes, you might get better replies ( ) in the Relationships forum...

but it results from poor self esteem, imo, so you're right about it here too!

I would hope that the two of you could go to couple's therapy and begin to work things through. He needs to learn more about what you need to feel good about yourself, too. If he won't go...then you go anyway. You can feel better about who you are (and it isn't how you "look")...

TC (((hugs)))

SORRY SKY.... but I do not feel as though what I posted was OFF TOPIC - for it was meant to give some insight to Sabrina as to why her husband needs to be with her sexually - the two of us have already talked and she appreciates my help & thoughts on the matter.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> PeAcE

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Most men have times when they just want sex for the physical sake of sex itself without the entanglement of a relationship. Sometimes a man just wants a woman's body. She can be asleep or drunk or even watching television; he doesn't even care.

There was an expression during World War II that explains this thought process: "Throw a flag over her face and do it for Old Glory!"

Women often wonder, "Why would a man pay for sex when it is easily obtained for free in our society?" The fact is that the man will pay because he is only interested in "getting in and getting out," quickly, and without any other involvement. This way of thinking is practically incomprehensible to a woman.

But even more incomprehensible to a woman is that a man can have sex with a woman he does not love at noon and then expect sex from a woman he does love in the same afternoon. Women can not understand this total separation and then total merger of sex and love.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> quote from a sex therapist/expert.

Another person's needs have nothing really to do with our self esteem, imo. Anytime we focus on something like that, we're doomed to come up with a wrong answer, I think. We need to take care of ourselves, realize that who we are comes from within, before being able to take care of others, to be really healthy.

Dear Sky.....
Please, lets not take this subject and support needed by Sabrina in a battle of what two very different people may think and feel. You may PM me in private if YOU wish to talk to me any more about this subject, THX and .... PeAcE.

Please note that my advice to Sabrina was given out of the LOVE a MAN (a husband) holds for him WIFE and the emotional NEED he has for being with his wife sexually..... this does not pertain to the many young single naive males (and females) that have yet to grow up and mature in the nature of TRUE LOVE & SEXUAL BONDING.

I care for YOU and RESPECT your right to your own opinion, for they are established based on your life experience and not that of my experiences.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Wow Sky, that sex therapist must be really sexist! I don't believe that just men are this way, I have known women who think and act this way also! As a matter of fact, I think some women may actually be worse than men when it comes to having sex just for the act, and without the want of a relationship or anything meaningful. I have male friends who have been hurt by women like this. I can't stand when people generalize and say "All men are this way", or "All women think this way", because it's just not so. People are people, period, regardless of their gender.It just depends on the person as an individual.

This is not an attack on you, Sky, but just on the generalization of this quote and generalizations and assumptions in general. If more people would realize that men and women share many of the same thoughts and feelings, I think communication would be much better between the sexes.

Sujin

I didn't mean to get off the topic, either, just wanted to respond.

Sabrina,
I am so sorry you are feeling bad. It's hard when you are feeling bad about yourself, but from what I hear you saying, your husband loves and desires you very much. I understand you pushing him away, it is like a defense mechanism of sorts. It frustrates me that you think you are unattractive, because I'll bet you are beautiful,and we often see ourselves differently than others see us.The fact that your husband has told you he does desire you and he does love you is very positive, and the fact that he wants you and is not pushing YOU away should speak volumes...actions speak even louder than words.

I wish I had a magic cure for how you are feeling, but all I can say is if you can do anything to make you feel better about yourself, then that will improve things greatly! You spoke of having age and thyroid issues, but in my opinion, women get more beautiful with age, and the thyroid thing can be a burden, but with proper medication, diet and exercise, weight can be controlled. (I have thyroid issues myself). In any event, I hope that you feel better and give yourself more credit for the wonderful person that you are!

Love,
Sujin

Adding my 2 cents here , I was wondering how you would react if your hubby started to get a middle age bulge , hair loss, etc. Would you still love him? He loves the real you and be thankful that he's blind to your imperfections, that shows he loves allll of you, and that it isn't just a man looking for an easy lay

He loves you for who you are not your looks. Looks probably help him get in the mood. But, he loves you not just your looks. I hope you will find the help you need to be able to regain your self confidence in this area of your life. Please talk to your husband about how you feel and let what ever he says sink in real deep if possible. He will probably (no guarantees) try to reassure you about your desirability and his heartfelt love for you

People love each other for things other than sex! Think about ppl who are paraplegics with affective problems below the waist... they still find love, they still love others. Sex is supposed to be an added benefit of marriage, not the main course.

The two of you can work together to bring back the romance...if you can't find a way on your own, seek help, it's worth it (and so are you!)

I am very appreciative and grateful for all the support I have received on this issue.

Thank you all!