The self-esteem catch-22

I've noticed that at least for me, self-esteem is basically a catch-22.

I'm not lovable unless I have self-esteem (i.e. love myself) and I'm not going to have self-esteem without being lovable.

How can I keep thinking that I'm attractive (physically and personality-wise) when life keeps showing me that I must not be right? An example: I went on what I thought was a date with this guy a few weeks ago and I started getting tired of always initiating conversation afterwards…I tried to set up a second date and he originally agreed that it would be something he wanted to do but it never happened. I saw him last night for the first time since the date and he didn't even look at me. I tried to make eye contact, nothing and it was a rehearsal so it wasn't like I could really focus on that. I tried to talk to him afterwards, but he was talking to someone else and I didn't want to interrupt and I had to take someone home so I couldn't stick around.

And I looked hot…even someone not attracted to my gender/gender identity would have admitted that. So what am I supposed to think? Only wear clothing that definitely make sure people forget that I have breasts? When I feel attractive, I'm only treated as unattractive and vice versa…so how can I really be attractive? Even if he hated my guts, he would have at least noticed me…

This isn't the only thing…my perception of myself is always wrong, even if it's a positive one.

Self-esteem isn't based on whether others love you or not. Its built on self-love.

If we can't love ourselves even a little bit, we really can't expect others to.

For me personally I found its true what they say about learning to love ourselves and others will follow suit...

Caught in the same situation. I feel like I have to work to earn any good self-esteem, and when people are criticizing me or comparing me to people who are better than me, I can't help but think that they are right.

Sometimes they don't seem to realize that people have different aptitudes for socializing. It's not being so good at math or music or any other skill. Yes, almost anyone can be taught to become a social person, but learning those skills comes more easily to some people than others.

Try not to be discouraged. Fortunately you aren't being officially graded for self-esteem, so you can work at your own pace.

True story ...

My wife likes to degrade herself about her appearance. But I can produce evidence that her view is incorrect; while we've been married one man asked her out twice, telling her how he had seen how pretty she was on several occasions, the jewelry guy was trying to ask her out while I was there, guys buy her drinks at the bar when she's there ... on and on.

So, in this case her perception is incorrect and her self-esteem issues aren't based on reality.

I, on the other hand, have been told on more than one occasion how ugly I am, repeatedly turned down for dates with women that I developed strong relationships with ... by ever measure of appearance I'm a half step up from a troll.

So we have to be honest with ourselves. If we have 4 fingers on one hand we can't sit around lying to ourselves and saying we have 5. I can stare at the mirror all day and talk myself up all I want, but the image staring back won't change.

So what's the answer? I don't know, but if anyone can ever explain it I would love to learn it.

You are lovable even though you struggle with your self-esteem. I had to learn this a couple years ago. Some days I have to make a choice to love myself. May sound silly, but sometimes I wrap my arms around myself, and say, "I love you, girl". Try it. It made me laugh and smile. Blessings to you.

The part that really irritates me is that in any given group of females, I would be by far one of the best looking, most intelligent, and have one of the best senses of humor and personality. Maybe the problem with guys is that no matter how feminine I try to look and act, deep down I'm still too masculine. I'm usually not comfortable with physical touch or someone getting too close to me.

The point is that I can like myself all day, but no one I'm interested in is going to be attracted to me because I'm not what they want!

I guess the bigger point of this is that what's the point of working on yourself and your self-esteem if it's going to drive the people you like AWAY? It would improve my self-esteem if I got my doctorate. When I do though, I better find someone else who has (or is getting a doctorate) because it's already going to be awkward if I marry anyone as we'll have different last names. (I refuse to change my name because I'm published under that name.)

Everything about me is a deal breaker. Especially with me. I refuse to change my last name. I refuse to wear a wedding dress or any dress for that matter. Basically, by me being myself, I will turn a straight guy either bi or gay.

I just don't understand why I only seem to be attracted to straight guys when I'm around people of all genders and sexual orientations.

At this point, I'm just rambling so I'll stop.

Also, when you were a baby/young child, if you didn't have "self-love" did that mean you didn't deserve your parents' love either? That explains a lot.

I don't mean I need someone to love me to love myself. I'm not quite that stupid. I just don't see the logic in loving someone (as in myself) who is unlovable. Even if someone "loved" me, it wouldn't make me lovable. That's the difference.

Why would you having your doctorate be awkward? I understand that there are men who are "intimidated" by intelligent women, but the truth is ... I've never met a guy who was truly intimidated by intelligence or strength in a woman. Those same men we are talking about are controlling and will only date women that they have some kind of power over, be it intelligence or physical strength or whatever. You don't want anything to do with them anyway, but there are plenty of great guys that only have Bachelor's degrees or diplomas.

As far as a wedding dress, I wouldn't worry about a wedding at all if I was you and your spouse. Spend the money on a honeymoon, it's more fun and less stressful and you'll have more fond memories.

I will admit though, that the no name change would honestly give me pause. And that's just my own little thing. The reason being is that I have a need to feel like a couple in public. I told my wife when we got married that I didn't have anything (seriously, a pot and a pan and a plate) and that the only thing I could offer her was my name. It would personally make me feel like you were intentionally separating yourself from me publicly and would be alienating.

But again, that's just me and I'm sure with good communication it could be worked out easily.

I'm just thinking from my perspective…I would be uncomfortable being with someone with a doctorate and I only had a masters, but that's just me. And the only thing I could think of that's "wrong with me" is that I'm intimidating, but if it's that unlikely that a guy would be intimidated by me in any way, then I'm very confused as to what's wrong with me.

And I don't plan on having a fancy wedding, but pretty much every male I've ever been interested in owns their own tux, so it wouldn't be too unreasonable to wear tuxes. As for a honeymoon, I don't know if there would be any options I would be comfortable with. I'm uncomfortable wearing a swimming suit so any place tropical is out. I have a very specific diet meaning long plane flights are out, cruises are out, pretty much any place that serves its own food is out. So I guess we just stay home and take a couple days off of work, if we're employed anyway.

I wouldn't be so adamant about keeping my name if I wasn't published and my parents being mad that I'm female and therefore the family name would die with me. I don't know if I'll have kids, but if I do, one of them should probably have my last name. But that's beside the point. It would be confusing to publish under one name then suddenly under another. Most composers are male so they don't have that to worry about changing their name. If someone had married me at an age that everyone else gets married, this wouldn't be a problem. But of course no one was interested when I was younger, so it is what it is now. Unless I change my name, but continue publishing under my old name perhaps—as I'm sure I would have published many more pieces, maybe even some literature by the time someone deigns to even date me, let alone marry me. At this point, I'm not even sure I want their name at this point.

You worry a lot, don't you... I've been keeping up with your threads, you speculate about things that may or may not happen in the future, you worry before hand about what may go wrong and speculate about all the why angles as well.

Sounds like a very stressful way to live, I know I'd be much too high strung for my own good if it were me being worried all the time...

Infact, I was super high strung for quite some time, I didn't worry about the type of stuff you do, but I did and do still ensure I have contigency plans for every muck up imaginable.

Except now, I remember to live in the now, and anything present me cannot control is future me's problem. So I let her deal with that shyt while I enjoy myelf.

I hope you can learn to live in the now, embrace it, enjoy it, and make the most of it. Every moment spent worried, is a moment of joy wasted.

There's nothing wrong with you. I can guarantee that. Finding someone that you can connect with at an emotional level can be very difficult. You sound like a very accomplished person and while I don't know your life, it sounds like you're also very busy.

Here's something that may be happening and can be very tricky to overcome. We can surround ourselves with a certain type of person, be it emotional vampires or crazy stalker girlfriends or, , people who aren't interested in having a relationship with us. Personally, I surround myself with emotional vampires (of a sort). We all know that guy that always seems to find the crazy girlfriend that tries to kill him with a soldering iron or that person that is always the strong person in all their relationships. It's completely unconscious though, they don't mean to surround themselves with those types of people.

The tricky part is to find out why we are surrounding ourselves with those types of people and then figure out how to meet people outside that bubble.

My suggestion would be to not think "What's wrong with me that they don't like me?", but to think, "What is it about them that they don't like me." It's one of those "It's not me, it's you" type of things. You may find that once you find your way out of the bubble that you unconsciously surround yourself with, you'll find those people that are interested in you just outside the sphere of your current world.

I hope that makes sense ... having trouble typing

Yes, I do worry a lot, but how can I not worry when I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do? I'm not financially independent…nothing is going the way it's supposed to.

I have an anxiety disorder and possibly a personality disorder (avoidant has been tossed around), along with the sort of depression that's usually mild to medium but never lets up.

I used to have my whole life pretty much planned out and so I always knew what the next step is, but now it's gotten fuzzy as things have not happened according to schedule. So my confusion and doubt has just caused more confusion and doubt…how could I not be worried?

People like to throw out the worst case scenarios out at me for no actual good reason. Apparently, they just like to see me panic.

I don't know, I think there is something wrong with me as I've never been able to connect emotionally to anyone. Not my family, not friends, not even pets. I think I've probably bonded more with inanimate objects than I have actual living and breathing people/animals.

I surround myself with the people I want to be around/be friends with/date etc. That isn't the problem for me personally, although I'm sure it is for many others. The problem is that few of them that aren't married will be initially interested with me until I decide to try to be at least somewhat open and honest, and since I'm not "perfect" and have problems then I'm not even worth being recognized that I exist apparently. It's just ridiculous…the last guy I told that I essentially had a relapse (I believe I said "fell off the wagon"). I didn't mention what the addiction was (self-harm), but I'm obviously showing that I'm recovering, so could that really be the problem. I've also implied that I wasn't straight and apparently everyone forgets that there are sexualities between gay and straight. I didn't have the balls to come right out and say I'm likely somewhere in between, but maybe that's confused him? But that's two things there that could be considered "wrong" with me. Also, I was always the one to initiate conversation…I just sort of got tired of it and hoped he would come talk to me (or text me first). Apparently he won't initiate conversation unless I'm physically right next to him.

But this has been my entire life. Guys my age won't talk to me unless they have to, they're already married (so apparently I'm not a threat to them or something?), or they're near enough to me/I strike a conversation up first and they're just being polite I guess. Earlier in my life, that made sense, since I was fat and ugly, but I'm not fat and ugly anymore. Maybe I'm not super skinny yet, but I'm certainly not fat. And other than the self-harm scars, I'm not ugly. So I don't know what the problem is anymore…I honestly don't think it's other people. The way I was treated changed when I got less fat and became prettier. And no it wasn't a self-perception thing. I literally DID go from ugly to pretty.