[anxiousdude]

hi
not sure if this is the correct forum folder for this but
i have this extremely unhealthy need to please everyone around me which means that i do anything anyone asks me for them etc , without properly looking after myself
does that sound selfish?

i also seem to think a lot about what other people think of me

theres a few people i thot were my friends, but they are often ignorant and dont keep in touch as much - and i ask myself if it's because of me (i dont think i have done anything to deserve this)
do you have any advice about what to do?

thanks so much!

[Rose3]

no, it doesn't sound selfish.
It sounds like you are aware of yourself.
Maybe take a bit more time, sometimes, to consider whether you actually want to do what they are asking of you. Then if you still want to do what is asked, that's up to you. But if you don't want to, then figure out how to say that you don't want to.
Friends come and go. Some might keep in touch for many years. Many will move away and you might never hear from them again.
Live to please yourself (and get along with people).

[Miss Laura]

Hey,

I am the exact same. You just told my life story there

I am the complete same as you anxiousdude.

I am always doing things to please my family, friends, work colleagues. I never put myself first as i feel guilty if i do. I spend ridiculous amounts of money at Christmas, Birthday's etc for my family BUT i get no thanks for it. I just get a load of cheek and ignorance.

When i go out i always pay for my mates and i to have lunch etc. They all try and pay me but i refuse. I always just say pay for a round of drinks. I feel i do not deserve to be happy or to have friendships so this is my way of saying i guess THANK YOU!!

I met my best mate's mate from back home in October. My mate has said you are the spitting image of my mate you will get on so well. How right was she. We hit it off straight away. We were talking and she said our mutual friend is always saying you paid for this and that. STOP IT!!! I was like i can't i have a need to do this. I know i shouldn't but i have too.

My mate pays for a lot of things though its not always me who pays. She has a mortgage etc to pay for where as i dont so i think thats fair.

My mates think i am weird like that.

What do you guys think? Should i get a life?

[athens64]

Hello to everyone.. I'm new here.. just signed up yesterday. I'm hoping that here I may be able to find answers to so many questions I have about myself and the people close to me. I too believe I'm a people pleaser. I contantly feel that if I don't go out of my way to help others with what they need, then somehow I've let them down. I'm afraid they'll be dissapointed in me or angry and they'll leave.. I don't know why I feel this way but it's really frustrating me. Sometimes pleasing other people is alot of work. Pleasing your family, friends, coworkers and significant others leaves little or no time to do anything for yourself. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day between my job, which takes up 10-12 hours of each day, and then going home to start running errands and doing chores to keep everyone happy. I feel burned out most of the time. It's just so hard for me to say no to people.. especially if I have strong feelings for them. Then, saying no to something they want from me, brings up feelings of fear.. if I say no will they stop loving me? Will they dissapear from my life? I know this sounds absurd and I do try to rationalize these feelings but deep inside there's always this fear of losing the people I care about most. I don't know if this is due to my childhood or my upbringing. I was raised in a "normal" middle class family. Both parents were there. Of couse normal is a very broad term. There were times when things were not easy. My relationship with my mom is to this day a pretty distant one. Perhaps that's a place to start looking for answers as to why I feel the way I do?
Anyway, I'm happy I found this place.. it's comforting to know there are others out there who share the same troubles and have similar difficulties and are making efforts to sort out their lives..
I beleive that pleasing others is a good thing as long as it doesn't drain your life energy and make you unhappy. The difficult part is learning to control your need to do it.

[Amii]

Hi Everyone, Ive been reading this forum with interest.

Say hello to a 'FELLOW PLEASER'

I recommend a book called DISEASE TO PLEASE by Dr Joyce Braiker.

My disease has progressed from not being able to say NO and helping everyone in sundry to my own detriment, to doing THINGS FOR PEOPLE now before Im even asked.

I Second guess what everyone MAY need even before they know they need it. It must be a pain for some people, I know it is for me as it is extremely tiring also.

I know what you mean about running out of hours in the day to help.

Some of mine isnt so much 'helping' as things like making cards and doing artwork for them. The more people I get to know, the more birthday cards, xmas cards,pictures etc I feel I MUST make them. I cant leave anyone out as I dont want to hurt anyones feelings. So the list of people to make for became totally unmanageable.
Since reading this book I am pleased to say Im pleasing myself much more and not feeling so guilty about that.

What I have realised is 'helping' can become an addiction like any other...

It gets so you need to do more and more and more before you feel you are helping enuf, being nice enuf, or anything else enough in order to gain whatever it is we are subconsciously wanting to gain, whether its approval, avoiding punishment of some kind, or whatever else the subconscious 'pay off' is.
Anyway I thought Id mention the book, as I found it very helpful (ha) and has given me a lot of insights into my 'helping/doing for' behaviour.

All the best
Amii

Originally Posted by athens64

Hello to everyone.. I'm new here.. just signed up yesterday. I'm hoping that here I may be able to find answers to so many questions I have about myself and the people close to me. I too believe I'm a people pleaser. I contantly feel that if I don't go out of my way to help others with what they need, then somehow I've let them down. I'm afraid they'll be dissapointed in me or angry and they'll leave.. I don't know why I feel this way but it's really frustrating me. Sometimes pleasing other people is alot of work. Pleasing your family, friends, coworkers and significant others leaves little or no time to do anything for yourself. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day between my job, which takes up 10-12 hours of each day, and then going home to start running errands and doing chores to keep everyone happy. I feel burned out most of the time. It's just so hard for me to say no to people.. especially if I have strong feelings for them. Then, saying no to something they want from me, brings up feelings of fear.. if I say no will they stop loving me? Will they dissapear from my life? I know this sounds absurd and I do try to rationalize these feelings but deep inside there's always this fear of losing the people I care about most. I don't know if this is due to my childhood or my upbringing. I was raised in a "normal" middle class family. Both parents were there. Of couse normal is a very broad term. There were times when things were not easy. My relationship with my mom is to this day a pretty distant one. Perhaps that's a place to start looking for answers as to why I feel the way I do?
Anyway, I'm happy I found this place.. it's comforting to know there are others out there who share the same troubles and have similar difficulties and are making efforts to sort out their lives..
I beleive that pleasing others is a good thing as long as it doesn't drain your life energy and make you unhappy. The difficult part is learning to control your need to do it.

[Miss Laura]

Originally Posted by Amii

Hi Everyone, Ive been reading this forum with interest.

Say hello to a 'FELLOW PLEASER'

I recommend a book called DISEASE TO PLEASE by Dr Joyce Braiker.

My disease has progressed from not being able to say NO and helping everyone in sundry to my own detriment, to doing THINGS FOR PEOPLE now before Im even asked.

I Second guess what everyone MAY need even before they know they need it. It must be a pain for some people, I know it is for me as it is extremely tiring also.

I know what you mean about running out of hours in the day to help.

Some of mine isnt so much 'helping' as things like making cards and doing artwork for them. The more people I get to know, the more birthday cards, xmas cards,pictures etc I feel I MUST make them. I cant leave anyone out as I dont want to hurt anyones feelings. So the list of people to make for became totally unmanageable.
Since reading this book I am pleased to say Im pleasing myself much more and not feeling so guilty about that.

What I have realised is 'helping' can become an addiction like any other...

It gets so you need to do more and more and more before you feel you are helping enuf, being nice enuf, or anything else enough in order to gain whatever it is we are subconsciously wanting to gain, whether its approval, avoiding punishment of some kind, or whatever else the subconscious 'pay off' is.
Anyway I thought Id mention the book, as I found it very helpful (ha) and has given me a lot of insights into my 'helping/doing for' behaviour.

All the best
Amii

Hey Amii, your post has made me laugh and smile. You totally have me with everything you said.

Pleasing people is my worst and best quality.

I do not ask for anything in return. But i have noticed i am starting to feel like crap when people walk over me.

For insance

In my line of work we do sleep in's. I work with guys who have Autism and Cahllenging Behaviour. My best friend was having problems with the guy she was doing the sleep in with. So i said i would nip in and see her before i went home. This was at 1030pm. I was still there at 730am as he was a nightmare. I knew why i was there as my mate was stressed and he was testing her. Shouting etc at her. So thats why o stayed.
BUT
Does she do it for me NOPE!!! Does anyone do it for me NOPE!!!

Why do i still do these things? I feel like i have to, to please people so i am liked?

I give too much at Christmas. So last Christmas i said no i am not. Amazingly i stuck to it. However one of my mates i was gonna buy her a gift and i had it in my house. But i thought wait would she do it for me NOPE!!!
I did get my best friend and her boyfriend gifts though. I had tehm in a big sack and looked like Santa heehee!!! She couldn't believe it. But it was cause she has supported me through loads of things so thats why she got the gifts.

I need to learn to say that little word that most people find easy to say NO!!!!!

[Irine]

I see that most of us are aware of our problems. Thats good. The fact that you made this post means you don`t want to do this anymore.

What you mentioned about your family reminds me of somehting - can this habbit be something that started in your childhood? You parrents/family members never thank you and never appreciate this care, this attention you show them when giving the presents.

One reby was talking about kid`s transiiton from his....essence, nature? to the image, pattern, template... ( i just used dictionary for taht, and choose the word that seem to sute, hope you understand)

A child is dependent on parents love and approval so he does everything to please them. Then - as adolts - we may precieve all the others around us, subconciously, as we did our parents.

The conflics is between your truth and the people you meet. The tools he sugests to learn are

a. start thinking what do you want
b. Learn to ask for it
c. speak sentenses with the word "I", "me".
d. Reveal feelings and weaknesses.
e. Learn to say no. to disappoint, to bother.

I have a trouble with the last line myself.

[confused22]

[quote=anxiousdude;743852]hi
not sure if this is the correct forum folder for this but
i have this extremely unhealthy need to please everyone around me which means that i do anything anyone asks me for them etc , without properly looking after myself
does that sound selfish?

Caring for yourself is not selfish, its essential for your very survival. if you dont look after yourself, then no-one will; least of all your inconsiderate friends.. I have experienced the exact same issues as you. Ultimately, I decided to ditch all my toxic friends. It was incredibly liberating. I had found myself getting hurt and blaming them for the situation but eventually i realised that i was acting like a victim and that i had options; i didnt have to be friends with these people-I made that choice so i began to see what my role was in the sorry mess. Eventually I reasoned that if they didnt make me feel good, then they weren't worth my time. Thats the criteria i still use today.

However its only the beginning of my journey towards greater self-esteem etc so I'm at an awkward phase right now. My trust in people in general is gone. It's sad but I am paranoid of being hurt again because I honestly cant take it anymore. So at the moment, I'm in "hibernation" metaphorically speaking but I know I'm on the right track and will get there eventually. I try to take care of myself but I find myself relapsing into self-destructive behaviour-old habits die hard.... in my experience, it requires constant vigilance to maintain boundaries and take care of myself-probably because this is such a relatively new concept to me. After years of self neglect, I'm finding the transition is painful and slow but as I have said, I'm only at the beginning.

The most important thing is that you have recognised this pattern. Most people pleasers never realise what they are doing so are doomed. You are already one step ahead of the pack...therapy,support groups and self-help groups are all good ways to learn to undo this. hope you continue to progress....

[mama51]

[quote=confused22;966101]

Originally Posted by anxiousdude

hi
not sure if this is the correct forum folder for this but
i have this extremely unhealthy need to please everyone around me which means that i do anything anyone asks me for them etc , without properly looking after myself
does that sound selfish?

Caring for yourself is not selfish, its essential for your very survival. if you dont look after yourself, then no-one will; least of all your inconsiderate friends.. I have experienced the exact same issues as you. Ultimately, I decided to ditch all my toxic friends. It was incredibly liberating. I had found myself getting hurt and blaming them for the situation but eventually i realised that i was acting like a victim and that i had options; i didnt have to be friends with these people-I made that choice so i began to see what my role was in the sorry mess. Eventually I reasoned that if they didnt make me feel good, then they weren't worth my time. Thats the criteria i still use today.

However its only the beginning of my journey towards greater self-esteem etc so I'm at an awkward phase right now. My trust in people in general is gone. It's sad but I am paranoid of being hurt again because I honestly cant take it anymore. So at the moment, I'm in "hibernation" metaphorically speaking but I know I'm on the right track and will get there eventually. I try to take care of myself but I find myself relapsing into self-destructive behaviour-old habits die hard.... in my experience, it requires constant vigilance to maintain boundaries and take care of myself-probably because this is such a relatively new concept to me. After years of self neglect, I'm finding the transition is painful and slow but as I have said, I'm only at the beginning.

The most important thing is that you have recognised this pattern. Most people pleasers never realise what they are doing so are doomed. You are already one step ahead of the pack...therapy,support groups and self-help groups are all good ways to learn to undo this. hope you continue to progress....

Boy you guys have no idea how close this hits home. Lately I have really been going through a lot because of things my sister has accused me of. I am not a fighter and it took me two months to tell her how I felt because I didn't want to hurt her. All my life I have tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be just to fit in. All the while I was made fun of and was the cootie bug of the class for 6 years. Guess you know how my self esteem was by time I entered High School. It's followed me ever since. For years when the family would have get togethers, I would walk into a room where my sister and two cousins, we are all within a few years of each other, were talking and if I said anything it was like they totally switched the subject or just turned away. I felt like I was invisible, worthless, having absolutely nothing of value to add. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. My sister and two brothers also have had me in tears by acting like I had just said something so stupid. Even now in my 50's they can make me cry. Ultimately I made many bad choices after school, losing a lot of jobs, falling for many wrong men, never being able to be me, to have a good healthy path for adulthood with goals and rewards. Lately I have been doing less for others. They don't like it. My sister kept telling me to stop letting others walk all over me. When I stopped and started trying to say NO and take time for me to figure out who I really am, everyone just falls away like they have no more use for me. Not just my sister but also my kids. I raised kids and grandkids for 37 years, most of it as single. We went through alot of changes and hard times but they knew I was always there for them. I gave my all for them. Over the last couple of years, mom was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes for a fourteen month period and it was very trying. Dad missed one day out of all of it. My sister and I both started out going daily in the beginning, but after a few months decided to switch every other day since we were both working. There were times when we both would need to switch a night and it was usually ok for me because I have no life. But for her, she has friends and I remember her whining about she would do it this one night but she would have to cancel her plans she had made and wished she had a life. Since then I have devoted more to helping the folks just so she wouldn't have to spend so much of her life helping. I even moved in with them and left my home for a 6 month period when mom was well enough to go home again. Some weeks I was at my house, which was right in the middle of driving to and from work, about 3 hours total. My sister would come one day on the weekend to visit. I told my mom that I am fine helping because this what God intends for us. We are to take care of our parents in their golden years. When you have siblings, it shouldn't take so much out of one. I work 45 hours a week, have 6 living children, (lost a son 3 years ago at 33 yrs old with a major heart attack), and I have 17 grandchildren. I miss them terribly. One thing that I am realizing is that when all the kids and grandkids had moved out and were on their own, I was left with a major empty nest syndrom. No one to need me. And my health just seemed to start going downhill then. Basically I have gone from taking care of kids into taking care of parents. I had no time to figure out a life for me so I could say I have this to do and can't do that right now. No time for what I can do for myself because I don't know exactly what I want to do. Oh it is so confusing and complicated, I'm sorry for boring all of you, just have to get it all out sometimes and this has really been weighing heavy for some time. Thanks.

[loriatwitsend]

Mama51 I am just like you and thought that I was the only one that was a 100% giver and people pleaser. I am trying to look out for me and say no, but it is a slow journey. I found that a little practice stating my opinion has gotten me to the 99% mark. I used to live life just to please others, but found that I am walked on instead of being appreciated. A therapists only answer to me was "you HAVE to teach people how to treat you". loriatwitsend

[Fuzzybear]

[googley]

I feel the same way. I know that I feel the need to please others so that they won't think I'm a bad person. I find that my automatic response to anyone asking me anything even to the point of it being before they finish asking is to say 'yes'. What I have tried to do to keep myself from automatically saying yes is to try and stop myself and instead say, "let me think about it". This gives me time to either think about it right there (if it is something I want to do,) ask more questions (to learn what I would actually be agreeing to), or to go away and come back at another time with an answer. I find it much easier to say no then. It keeps me from saying yes automatically and if I find it is something I don't want to do (or shouldn't do for whatever reason) I can come up with a reason to give the person. When I started I often still found myself answering 'yes' when I came back because of my fear of disappointing the other person but I am slowly being able to say 'no' more often to things I don't want to do or shouldn't do.

It is always important to remember to take care of yourself. One thing to expect is that people may not react well initially to you saying 'no' since they are used to you saying 'yes'. But, they will get over it. That is their problem, not your problem.

I'm sorry if I repeated things from other posts since I didn't get to read all of them.