Even they hate me... ='( (might trigger)

I try soooo hard to do everything I can to make everyone happy or help people. I stopped running away from home when I was younger to keep my parents from being angry with me, despite the fact I was running away to get away from my cousin raping me. I've went to the mental institution countless times so my family would stop worrying about it. I stopped dating so my dad would stop calling me a ***** and no good. I got my GED so my parents would be proud of me yet I'm still told I'm ignorant. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I've gotten clean from drugs, I've tried my best to stop SIing so much, I have no friends, and I do everything I possibly can to make them proud of me.

My mom goes from saying she's proud of me one day to telling me I'm going to hell for saying a curse word the next day. My dad never ever hugs me or tells me he loves me because he's disappointed in how I turned out. He tells me all the time how 'chunky' I am and how I need to lose a few pounds, yet when I start working out he accuses me of doing drugs again! I can't please these people, yet I can't get away so I have to listen to it constantly! My mom is over my SSI check and I have to do pretty much whatever she says because she holds my check over me and that's my only support to paying for things I want or need.

Right now I'd just rather be gone. I'd rather just fade into nothingness and not be a burden on them anymore and at least then my pain would stop. I don't even know what it feels like to really live and be happy. So freaking pathetic!

Hun, I think you need to stop doing things to please others and start pleasing yourself. Are you seeing a T? How old are you? It depends, but I don't think your mom has the right to take your check. You really need to get out of that environment! Let's see if we can get you some help, ok?

I'm 18, and yeah, I've been seeing a therapist since I was 12. The man who was over my SSI case said that they determined I was eligable for the SSI check, but that I wasn't mentally stable enough to handle my own checks so someone would have to be over it. Of course, my mom raised her hand and said she was the only sane one in the house when it came to money, so she'd be over it and give it to me as needed.

I pay for the gas and insurance on my car, yet she tells me where I can and can not go. If I say something that she believes to be rude, she doesn't let me drive. If I wanna leave a couple of days to get away from all the stress, she says if I want to keep getting my check I'll do what she says.

I'm sorry you have had such a difficult and painful background. It's really hard to have self-esteem after all that stuff, isn't it? I agree with Tomi. You might need to find some ways to change your environment in order to get away from all the negative messages that you don't deserve. Do you have a therapist, counselor, or case worker? Maybe they can help you. It's not easy to have confidence in yourself after being treated that way for so long, but I believe you can do it. You might want to give vocational rehabilitation a try. They can help you get the skills to be able to support yourself independent of your parents. Or maybe you could also find someone you could trust other than your mother to handle your checks, or even convince your case worker that you can be responsible for them yourself?

I hope that you can make some of these changes in your circumstances. I think that would make more difference for your self-esteem than anything. But still, if you can accept that you are a good person and you deserve better, then maybe that can help too.

Could you talk to someone at SS and tell them you need someone else to handle your money? Have you told your T what's going on at home? That's really unfair of your mom to do to you! She's as good as keeping you hostage with that money.

Seems to me you really need to change your living arrangement.

with SeptemberMorn

You are 18, you are an adult. Legally, only you should be handling your money.

A change in living arrangement probably sounds scary, but it might be the best thing. Do you have an possiblities?

I'm afraid to mention it to anyone at the SS office. I'm scared if I am able to change it, my mom will get angry with me. She's never physically abused me, but her silent treatments kill me inside. The guy at SS office said that I'd have to do a check-up in 6 months to a year and if my mental state has improved enough to handle my own money, they'd put it in my care. I really don't understand what they mean by I'm not mentally stable to handle my money. I'm not greedy, I don't want all the fun things in the world. I just need enough to get by, that's all. Even the people who approved my SSI check think I'm crazy. *sigh* Why can't I be normal for one day?

I don't have any friends besides my internet friends and they all live in different states. Most of my family on my dads side scare me (I have a fear of all men in his family because it's been men in his family that's sexually abused me) and the only one who would take me in on my moms side is my gramma, but she's a pain pill addict and I can't let myself be around all those pills. I'll pick right back up. I wouldn't mind living on my own, but I don't get enough income for that. I barely have enough to make it through each month with gas, insurance, my medicatins and doctors visits... Maybe a guy will love me one day and take me in.

((((((((((((((((((( bama )))))))))))))))))))

you have the right to change your payee, but i can understand why you'd find it so difficult living in her house. is there not anywhere else you can live? have you checked with HUD housing in your county? they offer housing according to income. it may take a while, but it's something that could happen?

i wishing you lots right now.

kd

Dear Bama Survivor:

You have a lot of good input here. I'm going to do my best to put in a list for you. When I am freaking out, I become cognitively disoriented. Too much input is hard for me to absorb. So my main purpose isn't to add anything to what others have said, but maybe make a list that puts things in a kind of order:

1. Getting out of your current situation will be challenging. Everything that has happened to you has taught you to feel helpless. But there are actions that you can take -- even though these may seem scary and impossible at first. You are 18 and have a right to name who will receive your checks and to find a living situation that is better for you.

2. Talk with your SS advisor. I know you have said that they think you are crazy at SS. This makes things very challenging for you. Be calm. Write down what you need to say on notecards, if you have to. Practice what you have to say, in your car or anywhere. YOU CAN DO THIS!

If think that you need support to do this, find someone to go with you. Because your friends are online, where can you find support:

a. Churches in your neighborhood. It usually doesn't matter if you are a member or not. Explain the situation to someone. Even if there is no one there to help you, the probably is someone there who can direct you to appropriate agencies.

b. Use the Yellow Pages telephone directory. Look under counselors. Call one place after another, until you are directed to a sliding scale or free place where you can get advocacy.

c. Try the Civil Liberties Union. They usually just take on the "headline" cases. But someone who answers the phone may direct you where you can get legal assistance dealing with SS.

3. You say you have beaten an addiction problem. Are there drug counseling services you can go to? They often are networked into housing and other resources. Perhaps you can find a roommate or group home where you will be happier.

4. Try AA meetings. Again, people attend who are networked into various kinds of social services. Keep going to one meeting where you feel comfortable. The point is not necessarily to use the meetings for support to stay clean, but to find local friends who understand what it's like to beat an addiction. Friends who can help you deal with SS, get out of your bad living situation and build a better life for yourself.

Take care, Bama. Best wishes and many hugs.

(((((((((((((((((((BamaSurvivor)))))))))))))))))))

I live in an extremely small community. I have to drive 30 minutes (hour to there and back) 3 days a week for relapse prevention group and I go to one NA and one AA meeting here in this county, that's all they have here. I've asked Leisa, the lady over the relapse program, if she could help me as far as finding some sort of housing that's based on income and from what I understand, you have to be at least 19 to get in these units. But yes, my meetings help me a great deal. It's the only time I feel somewhat normal, since everyone else there has the same problems.

I feel really stupid saying this, but I'm not very good with legal stuff. I've been on the streets and around street drugs/people most of my life, so I know 'street smarts', when it comes to legal stuff, my mind gets blurred and I usually end up crying. I guess that's why I just agree to everything that's done to me or involving me when it comes to my medications, doctors, court stuff dealing with my drug charges, and even my check. Sorry, I'm a dumby.

Bamma -- You are not a dumby for being overwhelmed by legal language. In fact, lawyers invented this scam so that they could use language that excludes the rest of us and they could charge us a lot of money to tell us what the contracts and "legalese" language means.

<i> You can do this.</i>

You may not like doing it. But you can. Step by step, just like working a program. One tiny step at a time. One day at a time. You put your belief in a higher power to help you get clean and sober, and now you can put your faith in a higher power to lead you to the people and situations and opportunities that will help you. May not happen tomorrow morning. Have faith. Be persistent. Take a deep breath and one step at a time.

And keep posting!

(((((((((((((((((((Bama))))))))))))))))

Don't know how it is in your state, but your income would probably double if you moved out on your own. Like Kimmy said, HUD would be a good answer. Here in CA, HUD pays for part of the rent.

You can change your life. It may be difficult but it's not impossible. Again I encourage you to talk to your T about what your mom is doing with your money. Also, contact someone from SS and tell them you want to change your payee. If there's no one in your family you trust, they'll appoint someone through the courts.

You can do it!

I get jittery inside thinking about talking to the SS worker about changing the payee. He may tell my mom and if it doesn't go through, she'll be veryyyy MAD. Anyone know how I can go about getting her taken off of it without her knowing? From what I understand, it doesn't matter if she's over it or not, SOMEONE (who's mentally stable, blah) has to be over it besides me. Whenever the check gets cashed each month, me AND my mom have to sign it or it won't get cashed. If my check doesn't get cashed, my car insurance goes down the drain and I have no gas and I get no medications because I wouldn't even have the co-pay for it. And let's just say if I go without my medication, things will get heated quick.

I do feel kinda good about me in one aspect today. The last time I was in inpatient at the mental hospital, they put me on child unit for some reason (it had something to do with conflict between the insurance companies I was using) and there was a lady there who abused those kids to an extreme and made fun of my stretch marks (I've been pregnant twice, give me a break!) and as soon as I got out, I reported her. They investigated it and she lost her job. Come to find out, that nurse (and a few others) thought that since they were kids, they wouldn't say anything. But really, they wanted to talk... They just needed someone to really listen.

1st, I think she'll know when she doesn't get the check. Secondly, you are 18, the SS people legally shouldn't deal with her. You are an adult.

*hugs*

Actually 1day being eighteen doesn't matter one whit to the SS offices. If one has a mental illness where THEIR doctors asses one to be unfit to manage money then a requirement of receiving the assistance is to designate a payee. I do not know the details of Bama's case but would guess when she first received it that her mother was the 'default' payee and that there were not other options at that time. Sorry if I'm incorrect here Bama.

Sadly being a legal adult carries little weight in the mental health world in many instances. Booooooo to that!

Bama---have you considered contacting NAMI for any resources as to how to go about changing your payee? I do know that there are resources available to assist in cases like this because of the propensity for abuse and misuse of funds by the payee........leaving the proper recipient sans funds and s.o.l.

Maybe someone here already on SSI or SSDI can offer up more concrete advice. Good luck and don't forget you do have the right to designate your own payee.

Ok...nvm.

Seesh...batting 1000 today.

Good luck Bama

well sweetie how would you know unless you are directly involved with SS for your family or have close friends dealing with it?

One reason I know is that I have friends on disability who have payees..........and one of them had a payee who stole money and endangered her health by not giving the money in time to renew prescription and she ended up with seizures in the ER!! That is the type of worst case scenario that can happen. Fortunately because of such skanky payee behaviour there are ways to change the payee on an account/case.

Another reason is that they explained to me in an interview for my own case that after the doctor assessment they would then determine if I could handle monetary transactions well enough to be allowed to receive my own check-----should I be approved.

Crazy when I used to do nightly reports and deposits for a very small grocery and often worked with cash amounts of $20k+ but ten years down the line I may be deemed incapable of handling my own funds. Sheesh!

*sorry to highjack your thread for a moment Bama*

I wasn't referring to you, _zh. It was my second mistake in as many hours. I always lean to those who know what they're talking about. You're right...I don't know what I'm talking about... I won't interfere again.

Like I said, good luck Bama. You're in my thoughts.

1day--- by discussion we learn. There isn't a 'you don't know what you're talking about' intent meant with my comments. You came into this thread with good intentions and from a place of support. Most of us do that when we step into a thread. Often we offer up support but don't know the practicals of the situation. That doesn't mean we can't chime in. In fact it would be very sad if we didn't offer up our kindness so freely because we feared making mistakes or interferring.

Bama--- I really hope that someone here can post info that helps you with your current situation.

1day--- I really hope you know that I know you are here with good heart and kindness. I am sorry if my posts appeared to be knocking you. I had thought of it more like we might know a little bit about space travel but without actually training to be an astronaut or entering into aeronautical space engineering we'd never know the inner workings and details of the complexity of space travel. One doesn't learn the complexities of the SS system if they do not have to deal with it! Consider that a good thing not having to work within a difficult system. And if by chance you do then consider yourself lucky that the payee clause isn't something that creates strife in your life.

please do not mistake discussion for perceived interference........I certainly did NOT think of it like that at all!! like I've said it is clear you have good intentions which makes misunderstandings easier to work out as there isn't malice involved. No worries.

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Actually 1day being eighteen doesn't matter one whit to the SS offices. If one has a mental illness where THEIR doctors asses one to be unfit to manage money then a requirement of receiving the assistance is to designate a payee. I do not know the details of Bama's case but would guess when she first received it that her mother was the 'default' payee and that there were not other options at that time.

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Yes, this is correct. They sent me to two doctors (of their own)... One was for mental and one was for physical. They said that because of the report they received from the doctor who evaluated my mental status, the board found it was in my best interest someone else be over my money. My mother was placed as primary payee, so without her I pretty much get nothing, sadly.

NAMI, you said was the name? I'll look into that and see what I can find. Seems worth the shot of trying.

1day, thank you. Please don't think of your misunderstanding as something bad on you. (((huggz))) We all make mistakes sometimes, chin up!

BamaSurvivor,

Making the wild guess you are in Alabama here is the home page of NAMI Alabama National Alliance for the Mentally Ill of Alabama (NAMI)

and from there they have a NAMI affiliate finder page for more local chapters....I typed in AL to the little box and up came a page with 20 or so county chapters and phone contacts for those local chapters.

I hope this is helpful. Please do let us know how this goes for you. You deserve to have an active role in who is involved in your care.

I wish you luck with this.

if you are not in 'bama then do tell which state and we can dig up links to the appropriate state.

1day,
Bama wasn't worried so I hope you can see how this is a no worries kind of thing? } { squishy hug

Thanks for the link, zh! I'm going there now.

I will most certainly let everyone know. No worries on that one!