moving away from abuser

I'm posting a letter i wrote to a dear friend of mine.... feels important to reach out more...

wah! i need a rant session. move is supposed to be SUPER and GREAT and WONDERFUL - those are everyone else's words to me when I tell them. And I am slipping back into the abused mindset of "maybe it wasn't THAT bad..."
There are things that are REALLY sucky. and maybe I am too focused on those. and maybe I am not seeing the forest for the trees, and maybe... blah. It is like I am not allowed to be REAL while I am finally getting out of the bad situation. Am i allowed to HATE it here? Is it normal to hate the ride out of hell?
Nothing works, everything is dirty, smokey (i'm allergic), there are fruit flies everywhere and remnats of millers in all the cubbards, there is little IRL real time support for me. I am depressed but "soldering on". I hate it and remember i hated it at home too. Today i learned that there is only luke-warm water in the shower. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!! and yet... i hated home.
I'm confused and having a pity party. I feel like I'm not allowed to think this way and have these feelings since everyone worked so hard to get me out of hell. And when I am around my mom (i had to shower over there) i remember why I am enduring a different type of hell. But as soon as i get back to this hell..... the grass is always greener.
@_@ i dunno.

You ARE allowed to hate it there, as much as you wanted to be away from your mother..

Could you respond to a roommate wanted ad, the rent would be less with a roommate, and the roommate could be IRL support...

Or if you could get into the 'system,,' and start out in a group home then advance until you have your own apartment?

Or just move?

What about joining a support group for IRL support?

A church?

Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible. ~Jane Rubietta

Change is hard. It is okay for you to have issues with your new place. Please keep us posted.

dealt with flashback last night. I think i fixed it for this night - wall was devoid of pictures; never a good thing for me. There still needs to be more up there, but I got the 2 main large areas with big collage posters I made. T says i don't HAVE to cover up the wall - that I get to choose this time. I feel like she doesn't get it. I DO have to cover up the wall. Takes me right back to being 10.

Other than that, I am struggling with the place. It feels dumpy - everything broken, millers and fruit flies here when i moved in, smells.... dealing with how i percieve things, and "utilizing my problem solving skills" that T talks about often. Trying to get myself to do yoga often. Haven't been brave enough to find a manager to fix the issues I already submitted in paper on the 2nd.

A former T - now more like my adopted aunt - is coming to visit me tomorrow =) mostly looking forward to it, tho i know I always clam up around her. Maybe with her in tow, I can do some of the things I am too chicken to do =)

thanks y'all

So glad your T is coming over. Just by her being there will help you to feel like its your place.

Deal with the smells by getting a decent cleaning product and washing the walls. Room by room, put your stamp on the place. Cooking food will change the smell. Air fresheners will change the smell. Burn oil. Use cinnamon sticks. Anything. What is you favourite smell kiya?

Drawer liners will also help. Use whatever you can to make this place yours.

Kiya, you will work through this stuff! I think it can be transformative!!

Oh good ideas, Possum. I hadn't thought about washing the walls. I am burning lavender incense in here, which helps some. and i do have an air filter.
My former T just left - she brought me a pretty pot of tulips She stayed for 2 hours, and was very (adopted) aunt like; looking into what I need, trying to fix the closet doors and the water heater. I forgot to ask her to check out the "common room" with me, since I am too chicken to go alone. Ah well, she said she plans on seeing me often - as often as I'll have her, she said. lol.
It is strange too, because I was soooooooooooooo dissociated when I worked with her back in... oh gosh... 2003-2006 i guess... that I feel like I hardly know her! The only thing I really know of her is her distinctive voice and Lousianna accent love to hear her voice. It is like a sound of comfort to me.
We did talk some about mom and what it is like to be away from her - she mentioned how in some ways the covert abuse can be harder than the obvious physical assults (dad) because you don't see the damage it is doing. Which has been really true. I knw dad was not safe, i thought mom was. But over this past decade of living with her, i lost my will to fight. I didn't know what I was fighting against - with her changing mindframes.
Ahhhhhhhh ok it is time to clean in here so that I DO NOT allow it to become like mom's place. that is crucial. Like you said, Possum, I MUST make my stamp on it. I must create the place I want to live in (even if this feels often like a new kind of hell).

Good luck, kiya.

Kiya, I know exactly what you mean. Being on your own can bring such mixed feelings. It can be scary, and sometimes the terror you know is preferable to the unknown.

There will be good days and bad; smooth nights and rough ones. Keep at it, and in a bit of time, this place will begin to feel like home. After you've come to it for a few weeks, put groceries away a few times...it will start to feel routine. Like you belong.

You're doing so good, Kiya. It's completely normal to be feeling mixed up and even unhappy about this.

(((((((( Kiya ))))))))

Wish we could all be there to help you clean the cupboards and walls and anything else.

Next time she maybe can wear her cleaning clothes and you can make her a little snack and make it a little 'work bee' buzzzzzz.

Love,
Hunny

So good your last T came and checked the place out. She sounds very capable. And so glad she will come back.

I wish we could have a working be with Hunny and me and any-one else who wants to help.

I can bring sugar soap (cleaning stuff) and scrubbers.

Hope the tulips make it more homey.......

You really are doing a great thing for yourself.

Sign me up for the cleaning Anything to help my dear sis Kiyacat

How is it going hun? I too wish I was there to help clean the place and help brighten it up, maybe you could do a painting, espically for the apartment to help brighten it up and make it feel more like yours.

Always here for you

Lots of love
Typo aka lilfish

anyone know anyway to get out and keep out cigarette smoke? I'm allergic and truly dislike the sensation of my throat swelling.

(((((((((All)))))))))))

(((((Kiya)))))

If you're talking about fresh smoke, find how it's getting in and close off the openings. A couple of years ago we started to get mice in the building I live in. While tracking down and closing off all the mouse entrances, I figured out how my former neighbor's cigarette smoke had been getting into my unit. Afterwards, I no longer smelled my current neighbors' cooking, either.

If you mean old smoke film on surfaces, either wash it off (baking soda helps) or paint over them, depending on the surfaces.

Come to think of it, this would be a good topic for the How to... social group.

Yep - fresh smoke... i sure am trying to find how it gets in... like it seeps thru the blasted walls (and as thin as they are, i'd not be shocked). I will keep searching, thanks!

Can you open the window periodically for a short period of time to bring in fresh air?

thanks - i do - i'm on the corner of 2 busy streets, ground level. Smoke or exhaust - I get to choose.

BUT!!!! I figured out the lock mechanism on the shower (wouldn't go past luke warm) and thus had my first HOT shower this morning - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! =)

Way to go, Kiya -- keep figuring stuff out!

Great problem solving!

My cat seems to be adjusting better than I am. He is becoming "a cat" - compared to the "dog" he used to be. Now he is running through the place, jumping into windows and boxes, tunnling through the closet.... he used to sleep all day in his basket or lie on his back at our feet.
Why am I taking longer to adjust? I am in depression between bouts of business. I want to do nothing today but stay in bed and read a book. I have homeowork that needs doing and cleaning... and i don't care. I have T tonight and I don't want to go. and yet i want to battle her too. i don't understand all these changes.

((((((((((((kiya)))

Changes so monumental are overwhelming

It is hard to get one's mind around exactly how much has changed...new place...new feelings......lots of feelings about your former abuser....

can you make sure to go to your T?

Or write out everything you are feeling here, too....we care

Change is hard Kiya! Did you go to T?

i did go to T... I don't think I'm not allowed to show up since "We have a contract, Kiya, that we will meet, and I would be upset if you did not show". It was hard to be there. like you say - such big changes, so overwhelming. i fought tears the whole time, only to lose the battle in the end. "Kiya, speak about the depression" - i looked out the window... does depression have words?
I tried to return a little wooden frog she'd sent home with me one night - to remember to leap to better things - and she said "it's yours". she gave him to me =) "he's a good frog". lol
i have to remember to keep pushing/leaping forward. do not get stuck here, in depression, or in this housing place... this is a lilly pad landing for NOW, not forever. gotta get envigorated, gotta stay awake, gotta learn to function. and yet t said "Kiya, don't feel you have to force yourself to do anything right now". I don't get it. That is the whole point of moving... changing the way and manner where i lived. but maybe because i am fairly deep in depression? i was surprised to hear her say that. maybe because she knows just how crushed I am that my dr. is moving. maybe she senses that to force myself to do things would be turning myself away?