How to let it go

How do you let it go and forgive -

How do you forget ...

How do you move on...

How do you ever let a man touch you again....

without disapearing inside yourself....

I want to be human agian - to feel and not fear being touched - i so long to be hugged - but nothign else ....... i dont feel real ... like a shalow husk of a person....

I want to be loved ...i want to love....

I want to share life wiht someone.. to have hopes and dreams...

but parts are missing ..
the parts that can bear to be touched

the part that would lay wiht a man

even saying that makes me shake inside and i step back

i just want to feel

and be human

and not be alone anymore

i want someone to hold me and make me fel safe and say it wil be ok

lol

but it wont... i dont think it ever wil be.

you don't have to forgive or let it go until you are ready

you might never forget but through the grace of time and healing you will have new experiences and happiness

you are human and real and worthy of love

you can make really good friends with your self

you can practice and take one step at a time and gradually feel safer in the world

you can find ways to feel grounded and real - you can reclaim your whole self

(((((Phoenix)))))....

Lots of love to you, Phoenix...

Thank you for putting words to this struggle, so eloquently.

I wish I knew how, too.

Therapy would be the first step Phoenix..........

(((((((((((Feathersis)))))))))))))

thanks...

therapy .... (looks for emoticon wiht head buried in the sand )

time...ive given it many years - i think some things you cant fix and maybe you ahve to accept that - but im not good at accepting either........
or letting it go.......

avoidance - now im good at that! disassociation - taking a step back and living in dreams while my life falls to pieces - yep got that down pat lol

if you touch a fire and it hurts you - why touch it again? reality is my fire and i dont want to touch it again - i know i have to - but im fightintg it inside - dragging my feet every step of the way and sliding back as fast as i can when ever i get the chance......

I dont deserve ..... i cant erase the stain ..i can see it....... dark and filthy ... when i look in the mirror - on those rare occassions that i focus on me - i see it ....

I am told it wasnt my fault - then why pick me and not my sister - what did i do that made me a target? did i somehow send the wrong signal.....

i dont know and il never know cos i wont ask my brothers and my dad is dead.....

and almost 4 years ago the guy that attacked me brought all this back to me - he didint touch me physically - but he tore me apart inside... and i hate him - i dont hate the ones form my childhood - youre supposed to love your family arnt you - so i do - but i cant say the words is all...
or elt them touch me - we've never talked about it and i dont want to - that would make it real - this way - it can be just my imaginantion- just a dream - just my warped mind making warped dreams ...

and the body memories at night - thats cos i have bad bloood in my veins - how do i get rid of that?

I spend my days in games on the computer so i dont have to communicate - now i come here -cos i am so full i cant hold it inside any more...

it feels like i will burst open ....scream ...cry..shout.. i dont know ... never stop..thats why i cant start i wont start!

just howling in the rain i guess - like some old dog locked out of the house.......

I could have written the same words... right there with you.

why face reality when denial is SO much prettier?

((phoenix7)) - I'm sorry I don't have any wise words ATM...sending safe ((hugs)) for when you can accept them.

Only you can help yourself Phoenix..............

We can help encourage you to get therapy.

You can ask any of us questions about therapy, you can express any concerns, ask for our experiences, you can use this forum as coaching and support towards getting therapy.

I know a little how you feel. I think that it will be okay, someday. Maybe not now, maybe now you are feeling the pain and the hurt, or you are blocking it out because it is too painful to feel. I'm with you...I've been through painful things too, and sometimes I thought that nothing would work out, but here I am.

I hope it helps.

((((((((( sister phoenix )))))))))

(((Phoenix))) I am married and I have moments were I feel powerful and in control. In those moments I can be intimate on a physical/sexual level with my husband. In my moments of feeling distant or in the state of mind where I'm defensive I don't want to be touched sexually in any way however I may feel the need for a hug (as hard as it is for me to accept sometimes). - I make it perfectly clear to my husband that hugging will not lead to sex. My husband is very understanding and patient and I fell lucky. I am in therapy to help me with this amongst other issues.

There are good days and bad days but things can/do get better eventually - no matter how hopeless we may feel.

Wishing you peace. Someday you will find a companion and it will/can be special. One step at a time.

(((( phoenix7 ))))

My heart is breaking for you. Sometimes it feels that there is not time enough in the world to heal the wounds we have. I wish it was as simple as putting a cast on a broken leg, but these wounds run so much deeper, right to the core of who you are and destroy you from the inside. I just want say, hold on, even if it seems that all hope is lost and know that there are people here who care for you and would never dream of hurting you.

Pix

today i was on facebook and someone messaged me and they said gross things - and i tried to politely get rid of them - but they kept saying things - and im triggered - i handled it ok i think atthe time - i didnt rise to the bait - i didnt respond as upset - that would have made him happy i think - the thigns he typed were gross and it started off so pleasant -

i sat there afterwarsds shakinginside feeling ..dunno ..dunno dunno dunno

i have found out how i can block him but i blanked out his name - i use ti mainly for games so have accepted game friends there who i dont know and never had a problem - till now -

now it doesnt feel safe to me...

and that was my new place to hide...

where do i hide now

i feel like a child again.......

imscared...

Hello Phonenix

I have no answer, but HAD to leave you my support.

And, I can relate.

Safe Hugs to You

wonders why she responded after he said the first rude thing.....

told him to take a cold shower....

maybe that encouraged him?
the i said im old enought to be your mother go out and have some fun instead

i guess i was trying to be adult......

was i though?

or did i encuorage him?

why didint i just not reply......

i cant not reply ...

its rude ..

how strange is that - i cant not reply cos its bad manners but hes being rude to me - well saying rude things...

why did i reply?

maybe im sick and want to hear those things..

they made me afraid inside ..

like he could find me....

how dumb is thatr

its the internet for crying out loud.....

the today - someon says hi adn sends a website and my firewall leaps up and says BAD SITE DONT GO THERE - or words to that effect....

why did i even click on the website? what kind of an idiot am i ? have i gone from trusting no-one to being a trusting fool?

Im confused...i dont know who i am anymore...

ive let the anger out

but the fear is stil there...

how do i let the fear out?

by being brave?

I have put mysefl in harms way to show myself i am not scared and been ok - done ok - but im still afraid....

and im doing stupid things -

as i get one back in control antoher crops up...
but im ok

im managing ...

liethe swan - peole at work see me glidign like nothing bothers me

and lie the swan - under the water im madly paddling to stay afloat lol

I guess im just rambling and not making a lot of sense...breaks over - better go

Phoenix, did you put that guy's feelings over your own?

Please take care of yourself Phoenix by being safe. Do you do these dangerous things to punish yourself?

Hi Phoenix,

I totally understand what you mean about feeling like its rude not to respond. I do that too. It doesn't mean you want to hear those things. I think it may just be a regular human tendency to continue a conversation even when it's bothering you. For me, I feel awkward initiating the end of conversations, so I tend not to do it. I think a lot of people go along in conversations they dont like, because they feel awkward/rude ending it, and maybe also on the hope and curiosity that the conversation might get better. I think this is pretty normal/common.

So try not to get upset with yourself, because I think replying in that situation is understandable - I would have done that too. I do think it would also be very understandable if you got messages like that in the future and you chose to not reply to them. I think you maintaining your well being (meaning you not feeling bothered) is definitely more important than him getting a reply. Either way, I dont think youre sick or that you want to hear those things. I think people just have this tendency to reply in those situations, unfortunately. But you may decide to chose to not reply (you could just say "hey, I'm gonna get something to eat (or some other thing to do), byebye." - it doesnt come off as rude and you firmly end the conversation by not replying from that point on). Sometimes it may take some boldness to interrupt and say that you need to go, and to actually leave without letting the conversation drag on, but I think it would be worth it, and you can do it. =)

Also, Phoenix, if you're uncomfortable on facebook now, maybe making a new account would help? Or maybe you can set it so that only certain people can message you.

About the website link, I think it's a similar sort of human tendency to wonder what the link/website is. Again, I probably wouldve clicked it too. That doesn't make you an idiot, and I dont think youre too trusting either. It may just be a matter of using some caution with links from people you dont know. Just a little caution - not to be so cautious that youre fearful. Just a little skepticism. I think many things in life are about trying to find a balance, and this can be really hard and challenging, but it is possible.
Just remember (and try to accept) that anyone on the path to trying to find that balance is going to make mistakes and probably go to extremes sometimes before they figure out how to balance relatively in the middle. And that is totally ok.

I hope this helps, and if anything I said bothers you, I'm sorry and please know I'm only coming from the caring point of view of helping, I mean no harm.
I hope the best for you!

With Care and heart,
~Breath =)

Phoenix, thank you so much for sharing what you've been feeling. We feel like we got marked. Like those first people that hurt us when we were young put a mark on us, and evil people everywhere have always been able to see it. Like a target. They can see that it's okay to hurt us.
We will never know what it looks like. We will never be able to see what it is about us that makes us a target for pain and hurt, because we are not evil. We, and you, don't have to forgive those that hurt you. You only have to forgive yourself. It's really difficult. We're still working on it. Forgive ourselves for letting us get hurt, for having whatever it is that predators see, for not fighting, for not telling, for telling the wrong person, for all our mistakes. To h3ll with forgiving them, but work on forgiving yourself.

Phoenix, you can do this. You will rise again. You will get help again and like someone else said here, you will seek and find the relationship that suits who you are and meets your needs.

Gr3tta is so right you won't see whtat those ones see because you are not on that dark side of the viewing fence.

Phoenix your words meet my mind and cause me to strengthen my resolve to find get the resolution/healing/recovery I work for and know I deserve with the help of therapy and supports.

Returning to therapy is hard. You've done really well. You'll do well again. Be gentle with you.

there is stil a need wihtin me to punish myself - lol i have the scars to prove it ...ugly scars to make the outside look like the inside does....... I hate them.

Gr3tta maybe they see that we do not back away when they make a remark or say somthing to get risd of them and see that as an open door

i have a facebook friend who scares me - he hasnt done anythign wrong - he asked if i like to talk dirty and i said no and he said well neither do i.....
and i ... i dont want to talk to him - hes been nice - ...so why dont i want to talk wiht him....he isbeing very friendly thats all........

Hunny- if this helps one person then its worth it - thankyou

do you ever feel like you have nowhere left to run to....