[notablackbarbie]

Hopefully i'll be more coherent after journalling...and rewatching the interview...

Oprah had Tyler Perry on her show again today. On the one hand, I got a lot of detail about ALL that happened. But not much on the progress/revelation on how he's been able to move past that to who he is now...

On the one hand, there's the part of me screaming out "Watch! Listen!" like i should be an involuntary sponge, and soak it all in. On the other hand, the details are sick, a lot of bitterness&guilt is building up again about parents; and i can't figure out whether to be more angry at my family, Tyler Perry's family, Oprah, black people, my friends/peers, or myself for not being/doing better...

What am i, besides a bad girl that got beaten a lot, a bad girl that can't make the fighting stop, and a bad girl that makes everything worse around her

http://www.ivillage.com/tyler-perry-...sed/1-a-291628

[Sannah]

I like Tyler Perry a lot.

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

What am i, besides a bad girl that got beaten a lot, a bad girl that can't make the fighting stop, and a bad girl that makes everything worse around her

I'm really sorry that you had to suffer as a child . It wasn't right and you certainly deserved better.

I'm also sorry that you received the message that you are bad. This is normal, though, to "hear" this message while you are being abused.

They were wrong, however. You said on another thread that your parent was mentally ill. What they did to you was wrong. You were not bad and this is not why he or she beat you. He or she was sick and this is why they needed someone to beat. No child deserves to be beat.

I hope that you are discussing this with your therapist? Please continue to keep us posted.

[notablackbarbie]

Sorry for ranting. Yesterday was a bad day. I dont make sence. That parent is not mentally ill, but physically = hense the hospital involvement. The beatings were passed down w/grandparent the same way (and more) to the parent. I work with children now and KNOW its wrong just to call/think/say that a child is bad. But i dont make sence. And shouldnt be close to ANYONE - children, youths, peers, adults, elders - to expose them to my sh**. I am bad. I am tired too. My next appointment w/pdoc is tommorrow. Yesterday was bad with too many triggers culminating and crashing at me, and me responding with blowing up at the house and cussing myself out HARD. I dont know how to approach or start today now after all of yesterday and appointments tommorrow. Sorry for ranting. And not being thankful for feedback. And being so bad and wrong.

[Miracle1986]

(((barbie)))
you are not bad or wrong

[Sannah]

[Typo]

(((((((((((((((((notablackbarbie)))))))))))))))))

you are not bad, bad is a label the abusers give us in order for them to somehow try and justify what they are doing, it's their way of trying and making us feel like we aren't good enough to have better, that it's okay to hurt us.

It was never okay for the abusers to hurt any of us ever, and nobody who is an abuse survivor is a bad person or was a bad child.

I understand those feelings so well, your not alone hun, please keep posting and sharing, reaching out is an important step to healing, and we are all here listing and supporting you, feel free to pm me anytime

Peace and serenity
Typo

[notablackbarbie]

DEEP

...all of this is so hard. Exhausting and frustrating to work through, and hard.

[Sannah]

[Fuzzybear]

[Hunny]

((( notablackbarbie )))

[googley]

[Nupoet64]

(((((Notablackbarbie)))))...For starters, you are not a bad girl!! Also, Tyler Perry is a genius in his time. One thing that is very therapeutic is writing. Thisman is amazing...he has written so much stuff. Hisplays and movies deal with the harsh reality that most of the world turns a blind eye to.
He puts his therapy out there for the world to see...he writes it...plays it...sings it...shows it....he is a force for uncovering truth. He also has alot of solid spiritual base in his coping, with characters on screen and in plays. I feel that this root has been a strong dynamic in his healing...it has been in mine.
I am Caucasian, but grew up in proverty adn had many neighbors and friends of African American heritage adn what he writes is so real. It is everyday in the places I grew up. I had a Madea. I saw the ugly things happening in the streets. TPerry uses humor to make it entertaining, but it is very touching adn very real.
It is a healing process and it is as individual as we are...please do not think yourself a failure because you are not where someone else is. It is all about finding your path adn getting where you want to be. I ahve faith in you. Many hugs,much support & lots of prayer for you...

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

please do
not think of yourself a failure because you are not where someone else is. It is all about finding your path adn getting where you want to be.

Ive been around all over on PC & elsewhere reading and considering and responding and doing... I am sorry for
not getting back to completing some of my scrambled thoughts earlier...i just cant help but feel really guilty and ashamed when i see others struggle with so much more and seem to be/do so much better. Like Oprah and Tyler Perry and the 200 member audience lastweek & their CSA experience and the brave cast in "FOR COLOURED GIRLS" (yes i am torturing myself in watching a lot of the press coverage 4 this movie...but cannot ACTUALLY watch the movie). And on and on and on...I do not know how to appreciate blessings or strengths im triggered and wanna curl up in a ball = dont know wheather the next step could be to write a letter, talk more in T, confront the triggers face on with the pain and memories, run away and work hard on something else (to proove "the haters" wrong), or...what.... I thought i was used to all of this, and ok with the painful idea that i was a bad girl that deserved all that happened, and that nothing really changes. I am bad. Why does this all bother me now (God, why??) Why do i seem stuck in all of this as opposed to just moving forward and doing/being better. I am just ridiculous. I dont make any sence. I am so dumb. 'Nite...

[Sannah]

NaBB, the other people who you are referring to who you say are doing better might have been doing a lot of previous work which you haven't gotten to yet. Everyone has to work through this stuff to move forward.

Can you keep going to therapy and keep talking and talk to her about your triggers so that you can work on them?

[notablackbarbie]

...i dunno Im not functional when im down like this...but its familiarand feels safer. Curling up in a ball under warm blankets, to shut out all the noise - feels nice. Being numb and soothing myself with warm sweet food to get sleepy, after being sore & shocked from exposure (either externally outside or self-inflicted internally) - feels nice. Its dysfunctional in itself, but its a habit? Or all i know? Or im too afraid/angry/ashamed to do, be, or consider anything different? *smaller voice* a lot of people have told me im not a bad girl. I dont know why i dont take in what they say as well as strategies and support from T - in all forms - to be/do/try better. I shouldnt still be this way... Why am i still waiting for someone to get mad at me and beat me to get better? Why hasnt the encouragement/praise/critisism/support/feedback/teaching work? I am just so useless... Why am i so wrong all the time ?!?! This is frustrating!?!?

[lynn P.]

Yes I saw that show and I understand how it could be triggering. They also had another show last week where they had 200 hundred men who were child assault victims. It was really powerful seeing so many men crying in the audience.

Those shows make me mad and I think we all need to empower our children how to repell these kinds of abuse. There's so much darn secrecy when something like this happens and I think this needs to change.

In regards to your last post - you've been conditioned to think you're bad. It will take some work with your therapist to undo all that conditioning from your abuser/s. You can start but reversing the self critcism. You know as kids we all do some bad things - that's normal. Kids need to learn how to be good human beings. Just because you did something wrong, doesn't mean YOU are bad. Start my recognizing the good you do.

[Sannah]

To get better you have to untangle everything. In order to untangle you have to understand yourself. What I did was become aware of myself and then as I found things to work on I chose one and took it to therapy. I would get insight and info from my T and this is what I would use to untangle myself. You really need to start with where you are at (and not where you wish that you were). I hope that this makes some sort of sense.

[notablackbarbie]

...it does...thank you

[Sannah]

Why are you hiding in the bag?

[jenkins09]

I watched both episodes of the Oprah show, and it was fantastic. As a male survivor of abuse, I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs "it's about time!" Society has made it damn near impossible for men to come forward about this crap.

Hey notablackbarbie I have a question for you. What happened in your life that made you angry at black people? I am assuming your black, were you told you were bad because of it? were you raised in a predominantly white area and made to feel bad because of your race? I hope your doing better today.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

...i dunno Im not functional when im down like this...but its familiarand feels safer. Curling up in a ball under warm blankets, to shut out all the noise - feels nice.

It does, doesn't it? Nothing wrong with feeling nice and safe. It is a good starting point for reaching out for more...

[notablackbarbie]

no. I am bad. in

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

...i dunno Im not functional when im down like this...but its familiarand feels safer. Curling up in a ball under warm blankets, to shut out all the noise - feels nice. Being numb and soothing myself with warm sweet food to get sleepy, after being sore & shocked from exposure (either externally outside or self-inflicted internally) - feels nice. Its dysfunctional in itself, but its a habit? Or all i know? Or im too afraid/angry/ashamed to do, be, or consider anything different? *smaller voice* a lot of people have told me im not a bad girl. I dont know why i dont take in what they say as well as strategies and support from T - in all forms - to be/do/try better. I shouldnt still be this way... Why am i still waiting for someone to get mad at me and beat me to get better? Why hasnt the encouragement/praise/critisism/support/feedback/teaching work? I am just so useless... Why am i so wrong all the time ?!?! This is frustrating!?!?

Wish I knew the right thing to say. I can relate.
You are doing the hard work. I don't think it comes with a loud sound or anything big. I think it comes slowly, like a barely audible voice. A tiny flicker of light. But it will grow. Trust yourself...