invisible

****i forgot to trigger this******

******may trigger some******








thats what ive always been. never much noticed. a second thought never given. easily forgotten and overlooked. my words dismissed as quickly as i say them. they have no value. i have no value. no one hears me. no one wants to. no reason to. my presence is irrelevant to anyone. why would any of this be different with t. paying wont change it. it cant be changed. some people just have nothing to offer. i have nothing. i have t tomorrow. but it wont change anything. ill still be invisible.

Suzzie, you are not unnoticed. I do not know you but I feel for you and if I could see you right now I would look straight at you, smile at you, and give you a wonderful hug. You are important even when you feel nonexistent to others.

((((((((((( Suzzie )))))))))))))) Wishing you comforting thoughts. I care.

Suzzie, your dyfunctional family treated you this way because of their problems and then you got used to it and now I'll even bet this is the most comfortable place for you now? Do you run from attention now?

During my journey of healing I came to discover this. I discovered all the things that I did to make sure that I stayed in the background and no one noticed and I was very uncomfortable with attention. This was something that I worked on so that I could move beyond it and have a better life.

Is it scary to be focused on in therapy?

Today is your appt.!

(Good work realizing that this is bothering you in relation to going to therapy!)

me too.

yes, i run from attention. it scares the daylights out of me. im really good at diverting it onto someone else at the first signs. i did tell my t in a journal assignment once that i didnt like attention or closeness. so she knows of it. but i think my behavior screams it at her anyway.


Is it scary to be focused on in therapy?

reading that scares me. its extremely hard for me. dont like it at all. and theres no one else there to reflect it on it. so i am stuck with it. no escape. its takes everything i got to get through a session.

Can you tell her that being focused on in therapy is really scary for you?

running from attention sounds familiar .... like sitting with friends who are playing a card game but not playing with them, just watching....
like being a wall flower ..... standing on the sidelines.....not saying much.....just an onlooker ...
I can relate ....
I shy away from crowds ...
Shy away from being in the middle of the action ...
I love being on the puter with my friends .....

I can relate...but when I open up to people who are close to me they are always reassuring that this is not how they see me.....they want me to be involved and they want me to come out of my shell ...... T too .... and once I opened up to him I started to feel like what I had to say was important.....I am still working on a lot but it is getting a little better, even I see it in me more I hope that you can keep up with T sessions because it does help.
Hope u can open up to T and start to feel differntly than this

guess opening up to people is something i never learned. and seems impossibly hard to do. i think this is what t was trying to do a bit of today. but i wasnt cooperating. i couldnt share anything. even tho she waited patiently for my answer. thats how i ended up with it as homework now. i think t may not be successful with this concept unfortunately. i think it has been too much time to change it now. too engrained. and theres trust in this too. i dont think i have any. and i am unable to believe that anyone would really care. just hasnt happened in my life. i dont want to risk sharing and then realize this after. i have learnt from other things that it is better for me to say nothing.

sunny, i am really glad that you are progressing with this. it is the right way to go.

Sannah, i will try. maybe i can put it in my journaling.

Sounds like you think that you are 104 years old! Anyone can change anything about themselves if they go about it in a healing way. You have to want it first, however, and maybe this is where you are getting hung up? And I'll bet there is some fear involved in this too?

scariest thing ever .... to allow yourself to be open with another person....yikes!!!

when I go to T, sometimes I can not say what I want to, and so I will write it somewhere and bring it with me (like a page from my journal) and I will give it to him to read after I have gone....
I cant bare the subject at times ....
I cant talk to him til after I have brought up the subject,
until I have opened it up,
and sometimes this is the only way for me to tell him what I am dealing with....
I gave him some papers the other day with my writings and I couldnt even look at him ......
hiding behind the pages before I handed them to him.
Fear of people, fear of their responses. Fear can hide on you, not alowing you to see that it is there.

Changing - this is the hardest thing to do! UGH!!!
People tell me -
"if you want your life to be different then change it"....huh?
The first time I heard this was about a year ago. Since then I think of it often, it still confuses me. But sometimes, now, I can see what they mean. Not that it makes change any easier, I just can now see that if I want something to be different, then it is up to me to make it different. it is a big struggle to change yourself and how you perceive things, people, issues you may be facing.
OK
I didnt intend on talking over your thread....I just wanted to show you we are similar....I understand what you are feeling....the urge to push away from T and anyone else maybe...
I hope that you stick with it...I think as time goes by you will come to trust your T and feel like you need her/him to help you figure these things out. Once you develope that bond with T, you will start to open up and share yourself and then you will be on your way... Oh yeah ... and writing ... writng and writing .... writing is a release....it is like homework but it is helpful to work things out and sometimes writing it down for yourself or for others is the best way to move forward ... cuz then your not stuck on the issue....you kinda let it out over and over .... til u feel better....and then you are able to share it ...

Actually I think that once you have done the work of revealing and examining the changing is the easiest part, it almost just follows and happens by itself. (Because these subconscious things drive our thoughts and actions and once we make them conscious, their hold is released and our behavior is freed). And yes, the revealing I think is the most difficult part. Reveal at your own pace, however. You can build some trust first and start with the small things and save the bigger things for later.

that is me. fear, fear, fear!!! it prevents me from doing anything different.

but today i took a chance. just to see. i wanted to let my t know a little of what i am thinking. she had asked in t today. but i didnt answer. i just sent my t an email about some things i have been thinking about. i dont know if it was a good idea or not. not sure if maybe i was pushing t away in it or not. guess her reply will be an indicator. (i posted the email on the physchotherapy forum.)

i hope she was ok with it. because if not i will back waaaaay off. not deliberately. but i know i will. i hope it was not a mistake to send.

thank you for posting. you do get me very well. and were helpful. you seem like a very courageous person.