I am really really really struggling with the fact that there were times during my CSA that I was aroused. I was really triggered this weekend by something and now I'm in this big swirly mess. I feel so gross and bad and disgusting. I don't even KNOW what I feel. A lot of bad.

Someone please talk to me about this.

[notablackbarbie]

TRIGGER WARNING

Oh treehouse! Here's a safe

That is what is not fair about abuse - those acts abuse and confuse your body and mind. Its not fair for someone to have forced your body into that situation or position when you were not really in a state yet to deal with it. Seriously, children should not have to go through that...

Im here

YOU ARE NOT BAD, WHAT WAS DONE TO US WAS BAD!
YOU ARE NOT BAD, WHAT WAS DONE TO US WAS BAD!
YOU ARE NOT BAD, WHAT WAS DONE TO US WAS BAD!

great place to post and no, i am not triggered. the same thing happened to me and i have never even told anyone in my whole entire life, you and this board are the very first time i am admitting it. thanks for giving me the courage. maybe someday i will be able to tell t.... but I don't think so.....
Tree you are so brave.....a n d .......courageous!!!!! please always remember!!!

SAFE HUGS FOR TREEHOUSE!!!!!

[geez]

(((Tree))) Thank you for posting this thread. I too experienced CSA and it's so not fair that it is how many of us have first experienced sexual touch. That's the confusing part about sexual abuse. It doesn't always hurt physically and does sometimes feel good (ugh i feel sick just typing that )

I talked about this with T briefly once . This thread has brought up some unresolved anger on the subject and unresolved feelings. My sexuality and sexual feelings around intimacy is a difficult thing for me to talk about or even accept. I'll be adding this to my list to discuss in therapy.

((tree)) you are not alone. We are here. Keep posting.

[purple_fins]

sorry you are having a difficult time at the moment

I've been working on this mindset--- maybe it would help you too??

I try to ask myself--"would you agree and allow a little girl to regard herself as gross, dirty and/or bad-- if she came to you and shared her experience with you?".... and my own answer hopefully is-- "No, I would never ever regard or agree to the mindset that being sexually abused in any way makes the little girl dirty or gross or bad". (think of that little girl-- see her eyes and her face-- how could she be dirty or gross?)
It's so easy to get caught up in the "adult" mode and reaction to what happened in the adult memories-- but-- one is better off thinking as an adult WITH REGARDS to a little girl-- not an adult.
does that make sense? (this is what I'm learning with T., but I might not be so good at relaying the lesson)

fins

[WePow]

(((((((Tree))))))))

What you are processing is VERY natural. I share the same issues with having been a victim of childhood SA. A large part of my shame/guilt cycle was that flashbacks caused my body to respond in a hightened sexual way. When I was going through my trauma work, it really was difficult because I talk with my father almost every night and my body was responding to just his voice in an "excited" way! THAT freaked me out to the MAX !!!! UGGGGGS~!

I had to process this over with my T many times. I was so ashamed of my body for betraying me that way. And I was ashamed of my mind bringing up the abuse almost on its own and causing my body to respond in those ways.

My T said that it is natural and right for our body to be excited about sex. That is just a very natural human thing to do! There is NOTHING wrong with you or me for being excited in response to being touched. Even as a child - our response was very natural.

The crime is NOT in us responding to these things in a natural (and my T said HEALTHY) way. The crime is that we were forced into sexual maturity before our minds were ready to have those experiences. We were innocent. You did NOTHING wrong with your natural response at the time. You are DOING NOTHING WRONG at this time either!

It is a true shame that what is supposed to be a joy of living was taken away from you - and from me too. I am sorry for this. Sending you TONS and TONS of hugs!

OH my gosh (((((((((notablackbarbie, jbmomg, geez, purplefins))))))))

I am in tears. It is so huge to not be alone with this. So, so, so huge. I have so much confusion and anger and.... I don't even know. Just badness.

I sent this e-mail to T just now

YES, what you said in the message is exactly it. Exactly. MY BODY BETRAYED ME. The little body. The 8 year old body. The body yesterday. I could scream.

No wonder I hate my body so much. All of the eating disorder crap, all of the cutting, all of the alcohol, drugs, not letting myself sleep or rest...ALL of that makes so much sense. It makes more sense than anything, ever.

When I was angry in session today, I didn't know who or what I was angry at. I just felt angry. I felt angry at me, but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. Now I get it. I was mad at this stupid stupid stupid body.

Of COURSE I can't look in the mirror, you know? Of COURSE I have a really hard time taking care of myself.

Ugh. I feel like a-ha, and sick, and in pain, and sad all at once. And probably other things too.

I spent so many years saying I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And that's quieted down, but I still get that feeling. But even that makes sense.

My little body betrayed me and this body betrayed me. Ugh. I am SO angry.

What am I supposed to DO with this? Seriously? Seriously.

I hate not knowing if you will be able to respond. I used to know you would respond if I asked you to. I guess it doesn't matter. I will ask and you will do what you'll do. And it's okay.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. I'm not kidding. Everyone went to bed early - XXXX was drinking, XXXX is sick, XXXX was exhausted, and it was XXXX's bedtime, so here I am with just me. So not good.

Oh my gosh. I am so sad I am overwhelmed.

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

We posted at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing your truth. The honesty and courage everyone is sharing in this thread means the world to me. I feel like I'm slipping over a cliff into the abyss and there are these hands reaching out and maybe I won't fall. I don't know.

thanks. really, really.

[googley]

((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

My T and I just started to talk about this issue. We talked about it maybe one sentence and then had to go on to a new topic. It is really hard when we can't control the way our bodies react. Safe Hugs.

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))) ((((((((((((little Tree)))))))))))))))

You DO have hands here to help you out. I really do hope that you can see how this all fits together for you... to see that the body did NOT betray you. Your body was doing what nature designed it to do. BIG BIG hugs!

((((((((googley)))))))) ugh, it's so hard

thsnk you for being here. everyoene here is sooooo good. and nice.

i feel less alone.

[geez]

We are all in this together ((tree)), ((everyone)). Keep posting tree we are listening.

[notablackbarbie]

Here's another safe
Hope you feel a little bit better this morning...after some rest and sleep. We are still here, k?

[phoenix7]

((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))

your body did not betray you -

the person who did that to you betrayed you

your body did what it was made to do - it did not know who was doing it - it just responded in a perfectly natural way

you are not disgusting or dirty or bad - you are sweet and kind and was and still are innocent of any badness that was put on you by these bad people

THEY are the bad people NOT you dear one

Please be kind to you - dont call yourselves those names any more - they dont belong to you - they belong to the abusers.

P7

[jexa]

AAAAAAAAHH Cannot say more. This is the worst part of it all.

[Irine]

Tree i have been experiencing this for years...only that NOW it starts coming up to my consciousness. WePow said it all. The only thing i can ad- that may be of any use to you, and to most of is this:

Notice that we can THINK only ABOUT things...we cannot BE things. That`s being said - our mind is designed to help us connect with the outer world. But why are we THINKING ABOUT OURSELVES? We cannot be others but we CAN be ourselves. You say you are "feeling bad" etc - but - if it wasn`t for your mind to label it as bad because "sex is bad" or "everything that has to do with this person is bad" or "if its abuse i should be not feeling this way" - if your mind would not be labeling all of this you may not be feeling so bad "about" yourself. You would move into pure experience.

Now, instead of THINKING about yourself just let your body experience what it does....your heart to feel what it does....i know very well that there is judgment of the self and i have been struggling with this my entire life - and this what helped me. It`s not easy, i know - but maybe it will help. Maybe not. The abusive memories are inside of us and not out - therefore are something that we should let ourself feel, sense, rather then only think about. Of course there is a place for thought...but sometimes things can get clearer that way


I identify with you so much! I have an alter who brings me flash backs FORM THIS VERY SATURDAY NIGHT telling me my mother had sex with me, and hit me on the head if i refused. And this is not very clear if it was horrible or enjoyable or both at the same time. So...why i say figuring out.... is important and when we are being with ourselves - it is by far more useful to use our senses....from the stomach. Intuitive. Feelings. The constructions in out mind are made for communications with this society. Less for ourselves....

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))

I am late to this thread, but I wanted to thank you for posting it. I'm glad it has helped you know that you are not alone. I can relate to the anger you have for the 8-year old, because I have the same anger toward myself.

The same thing can happen to an adult reacting to abuse/assault/molestation --an adult who understands right and wrong, and 'good touch/bad touch' and knows about sex, etc. Even an adult cannot 'control' the natural reactions of the body. And certainly not an innocent child.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and that you are being gentle with your 8 year old self too.

[jazzhands]

safe ((((((tree)))))) , Oh tree , I have the same issues too...it's a very confusing and disturbing thing to go through I have just been going thru this with my T and was said before, T said this was a natural reaction for the body , it was sadly made to happen too soon our young bodies were confused and as adults we can't understand this , but you have to think of it as a child , that child did NOTHING wrong , that child DID NOT ask for those things to happen , that child put their love and trust in someone who betrayed them in the worst possible way , so you cannot blame your adult self for things your younger self felt .....Take care ...I will always be here to listen

(((((((((phoenix, jexa, lady, darkrunner, jazzhands)))))))))))

Thank you so much for responding. Knowing that others have shared the same experience means so so so so so much to me.

T and I have tried to find a support group for survivors of CSA in my area but there is, literally, nothing. I need SO badly to hear that others have felt the same way, have had the same reactions, go through the same struggles. I feel SO alone and bad.

I watched the Oprah with all of the male survivors of CSA and it was this huge eye opener for me. I knew, KNEW in my heart, that all of those people couldn't be bad. 200 people? and I thought...if they're not bad, maybe, just maybe, I'm not bad either.

But it's so hard to hang onto that when I feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only one, I was chosen, and I was chosen because I'm bad, and gross. And that makes me spiral out into total darkness.

This thread is helping me more than I could ever express. Thank you so much.

[Irine]

Treehouse - Do you have skype??

I have an idea

[Sannah]

You were chosen because you were accessible and you were accessible because your mom had a lot of problems. You were not chosen because you were bad or gross.

You are connecting with others here but you still feel alone with it? Could this aloneness be coming from the past when you really were alone with it?

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

Treehouse - Do you have skype??

I have an idea

I don't. But I would love to hear your idea

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could this aloneness be coming from the past when you really were alone with it?

Yes...I think that I was alone with it, and I have been alone with it for SO long, that even when I can connect around it, like in this thread, it's hard for me to hang onto. When I walk away from the computer, it's not long before I forget that I'm NOT alone, and the alone feeling comes back.

[Sannah]

This makes sense. Maybe it will help if you keep reminding yourself where this aloneness is coming from and do what your T told you to do - keep seperating the past from the present?

[phoenix7]

(((((((Treehouse))))))))

repeat after me

I am not bad - I am not bad - i am not bad - I am not bad -I am not bad - I am not bad - i am not bad - I am not bad - I am not bad - I am not bad - i am not bad - I am not bad - I am not bad - I am not bad - i am not bad - I am not bad


so i sit next to you and i say to you - they chose me - they didnt choose my sister - so that must mean that they saw how evil and bad i am inside - that must be what attracted them to me - it must be my fault - as a child - even so small - i must have done somthing to make them think i wanted it........ I am evil and bad and dirty and its my fault

would you say to me - yep youre right ? i dont think so .. would you be kind and truthful and say that predators look for the trusting children and the children that are perhaps lacking in love of the right kind form their parents and take advantage of it ? use it for their own pleasure - Manipulate the child so that he/she thinks they are the bad one just so they can carry on adn perhaps not feel any guilt. - i think that might be your answer or along those lines

so please next time the voice says - you are bad !!!! tell it to SHUT UP!!!!
tell it - its WRONG!!!!!! and tel it you have many many friends who will tell it so

please take care of you

P7