Caught in the Darkness

I wish this would all go away forever...ok here goes. I was just laying in bed, waiting for sleep to come and as I was caressing my bf's side I had a flashback...and there I was, 11 years old and watching tv. My step-father calls my name and I look back at him, only to realize that he is showing me his penis out of the side of his shorts...I hate that memory. I guess this was bound to happen since I've had a great couple of days...I hate these invasive memories, thoughts, and emotions. For the first time since my step-father molested me, I cried. I've cried many times before, but not over this.

All I wanted to do was to enjoy caressing the skin of the man I love so much...and then I remember something about a man I loved who betrayed me severely. I also remember my step-father bouncing me and my sister off the bed...pressing on our private parts each time we became airborn...

Why does this have to invade my mind when I have been so happy and free from these memories and tears for so long? It just came out of nowhere. And I can't talk to anyone about this. The people at partial would rather not bring up such issues, and I really have no one to talk to but you guys...so here it is.

Right now I do not have the desire to touch my bf because I do not want to remember...I can feel the hairs on his body and that repulses me so much right now because my step-father had hair on his body...I know it's not happening now but it feels so real inside of me...my emotions are running rampant right now.

Why did he hurt me so badly? What did I ever do to him? I didn't deserve this abuse...nobody does, so why did it happen? Is it true that men just get their kicks off of this. I've grown up thinking this because that's all men seem to want to do to me, and with me. My track record is centered around sexual abuse with men...they are so cruel to me. It's no wonder that I've turned to the arms of a woman many times...

Lex I am sorry and I really don't have any answers but I THINK sometimes we try to punish ourselves for what we had no control over and thus the intrusive thoughts ...you know ..to kill the pleasure...to take it all away..all the good cause we dont think we should have good.

does your boyfriend know you are a survivor. one of My boyfriends years ago was a great help to me at times. I would pull away from touching him or whatever we were doing and he would stop and turn on the light and get right in front of me and say "its me and say his name and pointout the obvious differences (weight and so on). so that I could reconnect with him instead of letting it pass and end up pulling us farther apart. Other times when we "got busy" he would make a point of talking to me so that I could stay connected to him and the here and now. We ended up breaking up due to my moving 3000 miles away, and the long distance phone relationship just wasnt doing it for us. But he was definately a keeper if I hadn't had to move for safety from my abuser. Talk with your boyfriend and maybe the two of you can put together and emergency list of things to so, say and so on for when this kind of thing happens agains

I am so sorry you are being triggered by your boyfriend. It also saddens me that the group you find yourself in is so inept that it can not give you the support it should. You have been given some good suggestions on how to cope with the dilemma you find yourself in. I think I will try some of them myself as I too experience some of the reactions you are now having with your boyfriend. Remember your boyfriend is not able to read your mind and hopefully he will be understanding should you share some of your fearfulness in having such an important aspect of your relationship. I am sorry you are being invaded by feelings from so long ago in your life. It seems that our minds find their own time to exhibit and remember terrible times in our life. I hope you find someone to help you relieve the anxiety you are now experiencing. Please be safe. I am glad you have this place to post and be with those who care for you.

Hey Lex, Sounds like myself has some good ideas. We're special people with special needs. We need special people around us, with us.

My father was a hairy one. BLAAAGH. Just seeing a hairy man triggers me. Sounds like yer gonna need hip boots to slog through this one. I wish you success on your journey.

(((((((((((((((((Lexi)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry.

KD

Lexicon 78,
Bravo, Lexi, for getting this far. It's hard to put these kind of memories behind you. Based on my experience with other challenges in my past life, it sounds to me like you might have some post traumatic stress syndrome from what happened in your childhood. With PTDS, past memories can flashback to you when you least expect it, and of course at the least opportune time.

Don't lose faith. You can get through this.

Jane - Oz