[phoenix7]

this is hard to discuss but ...

do you ever seek out abuse? ......the internet allows us plenty of places to find this ....

do you find things seem to cycle .. its when i am very upset that i head in this direction

it makes me sick that i cannot stop this permanently

i ask to see if i am alone in this.... lol i probalby am

Im wondering if this is just another form of self harm - i was used as a child but im an adult now... its a long time ago

[purple_fins]

OH my gosh! Thank you for this

I never saw my doing what I've done at times, as this-- but YES I think i've done this as well.

I'm so sorry you too seek out abuse (you are not alone)

..... do you think we somehow identify with being abused? maybe feeling we deserve it?...or it's what we know and thus were not truly "alive" without it? ..
like it's in our inner make-up.. since we had it from a VERY young age?.....(I recall seeking out distrubing abuse, from other kids, as young as 6...blech, never realized that till just now.........my memory of abuse started as a very tiny one)

I encountered varies abuses as a child and young adult-- I think it became an identity for me- something that I expected to be a part of me..... and yet, I so hate being treated abusively....

I thank you for your bravery and insight on sharing this-- it has helped me to put what I believe is a very important piece into the puzzle that is me.
thank you
I wish you inner peace and self acceptance.

fins

[phoenix7]

yes to everything you said ...........

now ...how do we stop the cycle....

4.45 and i havnt slept .. goodnight

[purple_fins]

phoenix7

how do we stop the cycle....

Yea, a most important question...

perhaps, even just us realizing this is a step towards breaking the cycle??....

I so hope you get some sleep, you must be so tired....please allow your dear wonderful self to relax, be calmed and rest.
when I'm in this situation, I find a softy helps to relax me-- a soft blanket, fluffy pillow or very soft stuffed animal... (just for some ideas)

you're getting sleepy.... sleepy... sleep

fins

[*doodles*]

Yes, I tend to do that, too. It is definitely a sick cycle But you are not alone. I think it has to do with it being what we think we deserve, even if we don't like it. If that makes sense. Plus it is all we know in terms of relationships. That idea was formed as a child, and its hard to think differently, even if during the "good" times, we think we are worth more, it is during the bad times that seem to matter...

[suzzie]

i have too.

(((((((((phoenix))))))))

[needalife]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

this is hard to discuss but ...

do you ever seek out abuse? ......the internet allows us plenty of places to find this ....

do you find things seem to cycle .. its when i am very upset that i head in this direction

it makes me sick that i cannot stop this permanently

i ask to see if i am alone in this.... lol i probalby am

Im wondering if this is just another form of self harm - i was used as a child but im an adult now... its a long time ago

i know i seek out abuse sometimes and it is sick and i am way too old to be acting this way . . .but still "the proof is in the pudding"

[mixedup_emotions]

I can very much relate to this. I have re-enacted the patterns of my childhood throughout my adulthood - all done on a subconscious level. I believe the first step is awareness. And then allowing the feelings that it generates to come to the surface and be recognized. Now that I am more in tune with my feelings, I can feel the warning signs more clearly.....My current struggle is having the strength to act differently in that familiar environment.....

[Sannah]

The best way to break a cycle is awareness as MUE stated. When you are triggered and you are heading toward the abuse stop yourself and be very aware. "I am upset now and I am seeking abuse" You can then chose a different path in that moment. Continue to explore what is going on with yourself in that moment. Maybe write a thread here in that moment?

[Omers]

Oh, Phoenix, HUGS. It breaks my heart to hear that you are doing this to such a lovely person.
I do find that I attract men like my abusers and I am working to change that. I have learned not to date for now because when there is mutual attraction it's usually not healthy.
Just curious, in the cycle of violence there is a "tension building" stage just before the abuse. Many survivors I know would do something to bring on the abuse when they felt the tension building stage so that they could at least feel control over when the abuse happened. My son (adopted from foster care) will often try to blow things up if he feels tension in the house even though he has been with me and safe for 4 yrs now. I am wondering if maybe when you trigger it feels the same as that tension building stage from the abuse? I know when I used to trigger it did feel very much like I was going to be hurt. Could you be trying to get the anxiety of the trigger to stop? Dunno, could be totally off base it was just what came to mind when I read your post.
Anyway... Safe HUGS

[BrokenNBeautiful]

When it's all we know and when we still think we deserve it, it's harder to change.

When I realized I did not deserve it, I began to reject it and not go after it anymore.

Billi

[jwabf]

Originally Posted by Omers

Oh, Phoenix, HUGS. It breaks my heart to hear that you are doing this to such a lovely person.
I do find that I attract men like my abusers and I am working to change that. I have learned not to date for now because when there is mutual attraction it's usually not healthy.
Just curious, in the cycle of violence there is a "tension building" stage just before the abuse. Many survivors I know would do something to bring on the abuse when they felt the tension building stage so that they could at least feel control over when the abuse happened. My son (adopted from foster care) will often try to blow things up if he feels tension in the house even though he has been with me and safe for 4 yrs now. I am wondering if maybe when you trigger it feels the same as that tension building stage from the abuse? I know when I used to trigger it did feel very much like I was going to be hurt. Could you be trying to get the anxiety of the trigger to stop? Dunno, could be totally off base it was just what came to mind when I read your post.
Anyway... Safe HUGS

Omers, this sounds incredibly wise. What great insight it offers.

[jwabf]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I can very much relate to this. I have re-enacted the patterns of my childhood throughout my adulthood - all done on a subconscious level. I believe the first step is awareness. And then allowing the feelings that it generates to come to the surface and be recognized. Now that I am more in tune with my feelings, I can feel the warning signs more clearly.....My current struggle is having the strength to act differently in that familiar environment.....

As a teenager I definitely unconsciously recreated potential abuse scenarios. One way of understanding it is that we try to recreate the abuse situation hoping for an outcome where we are in control, or where the potential abuser turns out to be a knight in shining armour and a better ending results.

I suffered SA for years starting as a very small child at the hands of 2 RC priests who also abused other family members. As a teenager I began flirting with priests; at 16 I "fell in love" with a priest who then tried to get me into his bed. Later I married an ex-seminarian. Luckily I worked through my issues and have been married 32 years.

[siljie]

I know how this feels, in a sense...
It's like, without the abuse, I can't feel the love
Because I've always been forced to associate the two together, and without abuse there can't be love, and vise versa so it's very unnerving and confusing for anything different, even if that way is so much better

[Open Eyes]

I could write more but I want you to think about this first.

WE ARE WHAT WE KNOW. IF WE KNOW ABUSE WE THINK THAT IS NORMAL FOR US.

BECAUSE WE NEVER KNEW TRUE LOVE AND SAFETY AND ONLY SURVIVED IN ABUSE THAN THAT IS WHAT WE SEEM TO THINK WE NEED IN OUR LIVES TO FEEL NORMAL.

WE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS BECAUSE WE CAN GIVE IT BUT WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE IT.

WE WERE NOT LOVED ENOUGH AND WERE ABUSED AN IGNORED AND USED SO WE FEEL WE DO NOT DESERVE IT AND CAN ONLY BE GOOD AT BEING ABUSED.

WE HAVE BEEN DENIED SO MUCH THAT WE EVEN DENY OURSELVES, WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE OR RESPECT OURSELVES. WE MUST LEARN THIS. LEARNING SOMETHING NEW IS HARD, IT IS OFTEN EASIER TO FOLLOW A PATH WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON THAN TO CREATE A NEW PATH THAT WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO CREATE.

A SAYING : OLD HABITS DIE HARD

Open Eyes

[my3sns]

Ok so i admit i havent read many of the replies here ...i just wasnt able to , but i do understand seeking out abuse. Going to try not to make this a terribly long rant.. Growing up the only time i was told that i was loved was during the abuse. Somewhere along the way i really think i mixed up love and s*x , so for a long long time as a teen i sought this out because it was what i knew. After a while i finally got married and was pretty much in the same situation.. Now here at age 43 im still finding ways to put myself in situations where i am being hurt.. sometimes i wonder if i will ever stop.