Bad Boundaries or Abuse?

Hey everyone, I'm new here. I'm currently in therapy and also doing EMDR. I initially started for the sake of trying to save my marriage. I went because I'm "uncomfortable with sex". VERY uncomfortable. It's ruining my marriage and Ive always been uncomfortable with things of a sexual nature since I can remember. I don't remember the first time I had sex. I was sober but it's almost like I "blanked" out. Without going super in depth and writing a novel I wanted to mention a few things about my dad....I remember him always walking around naked and even up to age 14 I remember him being in the bathroom with me while I was showering getting ready for school and him for work. I dont remember anything physical or weird happening....just that he was in there and I was uncomfortable. I never said anything to him or my mom that it bothered me. He also has always been really flirty with my friends and younger females my age (17-20's)...I'm 29 now. There's just a lot of bothersome things but I have no memories of anything physical. But I have a lot of problems with intimacy and sex. Sometimes when I'm laying with my hubby and he has no shirt on I get a "scent" of my dad and his chest. I have no idea why. But it freaks me out. Is it possible for the bathroom thing and his comments enough to cause me so much discomfort with sexuality? I'm so confused

Hi, struggling2, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I think adult bad boundaries when around children is abuse. Since you were uncomfortable with your father walking around naked and coming into the bathroom when you were there, etc. that, in itself, is abuse. No one should be subjected to another's nakedness without consent and a child cannot set boundaries of that sort with a parent.

I think it is quite possible this has been enough to cause you discomfort with sexuality. I have three older brothers and my mother died when I was 3 and it was just my brothers, father, and myself for a year or two. Not having a strong mother attachment/sexuality role model (my stepmother and I had major issues through my time at home) there isn't any way for such a situation to get worked out until after one is an adult and away from that situation and able to work on it in therapy?

I agree with Perna's perspective, would add that the research on CSA includes the inappropriate "sexualization" of children-- examples are things that sort of permeate the child's awareness with sexuality. This might be something as simple as making comments about a child's developing (or not) body, nudity that is not casual, but is sexualized, exposing children to inappropriate movies, TV, books, or parents' sex lives, etc.

What the research shows is that children, especially girls and especially with fathers, can show effects similar to CSA where there is touching involved.

I used to have many issues related to my sexuality.
Sexuality was for me the last frontier of healing, I avoided it until pretty much I had dealt with (for the time) everyone else that had affected me. Deliberately engaging in healing my sexuality was one of the best things I've done, for myself and for my marriage.

Give therapy a try, if you're not already there.

Best, Anne

((((Struggling))))) sounds like not just bad boundaries but worst boundaries in universe , and i agree that those behaviors in and of themselves are abuse. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. My first marriage failed because i couldn't have sex and a lot of other cpmplications too, but i know what am emotional toll that can take pn a person.

Struggling thank you so much for posting this thread. I too am going through marital problems as a result of CSA. I am contemplating EMDR and going back to talk therapy. I thought I was done with all this and it's effecting me now but in a different way on a different level of awareness I've never had before. My abuse didn't take place with my father and I am so sorry you had your experiences. Sending much comfort. PM me anytime if you'd like.

I am sorry you went through this. It is worth, and you owe it to yourself to talk about this in therapy.

We forget sometimes, that we don't have to start in Therapy with a checklist of A B C and this is why I feel this and this is why this happened...etc.etc...

Sometimes, we can just say what we feel in therapy to begin.. and start with a simple...

I Don't Know.

In a safe place like therapy, your concern in itself, is enough.

I Don't Know. I'm not sure? Is this CSA or is this not?... has helped me open many doors to my healing, some--doors that we're even completley unrelated to the SA itself. we all have to start somewhere.

thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I am in therapy and it has been a struggle. my therapist is great and i really like her. we click well but its hard for me to open up and talk about emotional issues. i "check out" alot and second guess everything i think. its hard for me to think of what i remember as "abuse" because i have no memory of anything physical happening. but the way i have responded to intimacy and sex my whole life and now especially with my husband is extremely abnormal. lots of panic, disassociation, discomfort, etc. its hard for me to understand why that happens without something that physically happened. if these uncomfortable feelings weren't tied to my dad and i didnt know where they came from i would have no problem assuming i was sexually abused and be ok with not knowing how or by who and learning to heal just knowing, but since its my dad he's still in my life and what if i have kids someday? he would be their grandpa. its so conflicting and so hard for me to try to think in my head that my dad could actually do something that i dont remember that would be horrible. he provided me with so much my whole life. i got to do alot of things a lot of kids dont get to do. how can i "wonder" if he sexually abused me. arrggghh! so stressful.

im re-bumping this because im knee deep in dealing with this still and its soooo confusing and conflicting. it describes everything im still thinking without retyping it.

Well you have been in therapy for a while has anything new come out yet?
What kind of feedback has your therapist given you?

I am sorry you are still struggling with this, I believe in time you can find a way through it in therapy, give it time.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Hi Open Eyes,
thanks for the response. nothing new has really came about yet as far as memories. some underlying rage has surfaced that im not sure where it came from and its not directly towards something...just an internal feeling of rage. starting to dig a little deeper in therapy. continued EMDR and its gotten more comfortable...i think it will be helpful as my brain seemed to always be all over the place and that seems to be a good fit since you're supposed to just let your thoughts go wherever they take you. we'll see what happens. T says there's a lot of red flags and my body is reacting the way it does for a reason...and that makes total sense. i get that. but i feel like i need something concrete....remembering he touched me inappropriately or something to that nature. it just makes if confusing to not have anything to tie it to. *sigh*

Well, just keep following along in therapy and see what happens.

I get a strange flashback and I know I was very young but all I have so far are body memories and I have not seen anything else.

I asked my therapist about it and he told me that our brains protect certain memories if they are upsetting and often it only lets out a little bit sometimes. The memories are there, but the brain just wont let out something that may be too hard on us. But that doesn't mean something really did happen to you and I don't want you to think that. It is up to you and your therapist to try to work through this, I know you want to know, but you have to be patient.

My therapist is thinking about doing the EMDR with me as well. Some people are really helped by it. Give it time.

Why don't you ask your therapist if he/she can have a talk with your husband so you get some space and don't feel so presured or guilty because your struggling to feel comfortable with being intimate?

Just a thought.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Did you discuss in therapy the bathroom stuff and the walking around naked stuff and did you let out your feelings in session while you talked about it?

Have you also discussed in session how you feel when you are with your husband?

Have you discussed with your therapist how you are feeling while in session?

Hi Sannah,
I have brought up the bathrrom and walking around stuff. I try to let out my feelings....i can reiterate what happened but when it comes to my feelings of I somewhat disassociate like check out and its hard to get my brain to slow down. I also have a hard time remembering the feelings from then....i have "stuffed" alot of them i think.

i have written out in a letter some of the things that happen and that i think of when with the hubby and gave it to T. we have talked about it vaguely....its really hard to talk about. i get really uncomfortable and feel like my blood is on fire racing through my veins. T has said there is alot of red flags pointing to something happening but we dont know for sure. T has "not" called what i have described as abusive....has said bad boundaries for sure.

I think my biggest hang up is....if all thats there is what i know....is it enough to cause such severe effects in how i respond to physical intimacy of a romantic nature. at the same time....i play tug of war with myself.....how can i think my dad would do something more vs. i cant 100% say i dont think he didnt. argh!

Assuming there was no physical, sexual abuse, just the memories of your naked father and that making you uncomfortable; when we are young, we do not have the "words" and experiences to be able to put what is happening to us into coherent thought like we do as adults. It is harder to work with non-verbal situations, both understanding them and resolving negative feelings since the person we were at that time has so few resources to help us.

It can be very frustrating working with such problems and, for me, it took many years working back-and-forth across the span of my then-life (2-7 year old) and "now" to knit them together so a new, improved self was "in charge" of the understanding and whole of Myself.

I would suggest talking in therapy more about the stuff above. If you have very strong feelings from the past that are causing you to dissociate when you try to remember them these are probably the same stuff that causes you problems with your husband. They need to be explored so that you can resolve this.