No Question - Just a Comment

To all the wives and all the wives to be - I just wanted (needed) to let you know that it is possible to be sexually abused / raped by your own spouse, the man you love and trust.

Thanks for letting me state my MIND....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

<font color="purple"> Unfortunately this is true.... I went thru it, we worked thru it, he honestly didnt know that was what he was doing, I didnt either for that matter at the time, it was many yrs ago, we are good now. ((((Hugs)))) </font>

Thanks for sharing SerenitysWave,
((((((( HUGS )))))))

But I have to say that I have a problem with the explanation you gave for his inappropriate actions (and that many other people have given to this same issue) - for how can a MAN not know what he is doing is wrong? - for if he had done what he did to his wife to another female he would have been arrested and placed in jail.

NO is NO and without consent from her it is RAPE!! - unwanted sexual advances.

Just my thoughts on the subject, not meant to cause any trouble in your own marriage.... for forgiveness is the greatest GIFT a person can give unto another.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
How can (or does) one forget such a thing and move on to loving & trusting again? - to see him as a person and not a sex craved male who only thinks of his needs.

There are strong feelings here. Please be safe. I understand what you are saying, although I struggle with where the line is myself. I'm often not sure whether I consent or not, or if I just give in because it's more tolerable than being grumbled at for three days. When I'm confused about whether or not I have a choice, really, then he is confused too and doesn't know what I'm telling him because I don't communicate very clearly. I am not sure whether it's abuse or not, but I am positive that he doesn't mean it to be.

Rap

this issue has come up in this forum or PTSD before and the answer varies from state to state unfortunately. no SHOULD mean no but when two people enter into a binding legal contract in the eyes of their governemt there are certain laws that go along with that contract. the best thing to find out for certain would be to contact your local womens health center or domestic violence shelter and have them explain EXACTLY what the laws are for your area. they are also trained to talk to survivors to assist those survivors in learning that they have rights that no one can take away.

the road back to healing after such a traumatic experience isn't easy but with professional help and CONCRETE information that is verified to be correct about the intricacies of legal grey areas one can continue on their healing work and put such horrors behind them.

<font color="purple"> I dont mind elaborating some..... There were two different ways he would take sex from me:
1. I would sometimes wake up and he would be on top of me doing his business.
2. He would throw me to the bed, hold me, and say "take it like a woman should"

It took a while before I comprehended that this was wrong, and for me to start saying no or struggle as I was in the mind frame that my body was for others pleasure anyway, and then it took him a while to respond to my no's and struggles when I finally flicked the switched on. He felt that it was a game in some way, until one day I finaly broke.... I filled out divorce papers and was unfaithful. At the time I also had spent 9 of 11 yrs on the couch. When he found out about my infifelity and that I filed divorce, we were then faced with all our ugliness and decided to try to work this out, our main issue was we were not communicating with each other. And now 6 yrs later, we are doing wonderfully. I love him dearly and I know he loves me, and I couldnt ask for a better relationship. It was hard work but we did it, hardcore honest communictaion.... </font>

Dear Rapunzel,

(IMHO) I understand that this topic could be seen as difficult to define as to what a stranger would be called or arrested for if they did these type of things.... but why should any one protect a person that has done wrong, even if that person is your spouse?
No one has the right to force another person, or to take liberty's with someone body when they are asleep.... not to mention the sick things that a man might do to a female.... spouse or no spouse - wrong is wrong!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

oh we do not disagree with you at all!

we're disgusted that legal rights are afforded in certain situations that sometimes leaves one party at a distinct disadvantage. [total aside.....we're hesitant to wag gender fingers as the more we learn about abuse the more we know just about anyone can be an abuser.......male or female.]

NO means NO! needs to become better understood by both genders so that no one asserts violent power over another.

Very true.... both the male and female can be the abuser and yet one has to agree that statistics does indeed show that this is more of a certain gender issue than the another - and yet in our sinful world things are changing - Eeeeek!

I just felt the need to warn all the ladies today - guess I was growing / learning and I wanted to share that knowledge with others - for I always say KNOWLEDGE is POWER.

>>>> PeAcE ~

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

amen.

You know, it is good that you posted your opinion.

Maybe, just maybe someone who is struggling in a similar situation to what you described will stumble across it and realize they have a choice/rights/will be empowered to get out of the situation.

Thanks Rainbow,

It does my heart good to know that someone understand (is on my side) in this matter that gets very little acknowledgement for the world or the mental realm, and WHY, all because he is seen as your spouse and has a right to your body - YEAH RIGHT..... well in my book (the bible) it says: Husband LOVE your WIFE as CHRIST loves the CHURCH.... and Christ would never do any thing so un-respectful or demeaning to his church.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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Rhapsody said:
Thanks Rainbow,

It does my heart good to know that someone understand (is on my side) in this matter that gets very little acknowledgement for the world or the mental realm, and WHY, all because he is seen as your spouse and has a right to your body - YEAH RIGHT..... well in my book (the bible) it says: Husband LOVE your WIFE as CHRIST loves the CHURCH.... and Christ would never do any thing so un-respectful or demeaning to his church.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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<font color="purple"> AMEN!!
For me and my experience I would just add that I am grateful for forgiveness, changing of ways, and the love of both Christ and my husband. </font>

I think this is not just something that men do. I mean you see/hear about it more from men, but women are also guilty.

A lot of people don't realize that if you have sex with your partner while they're sleeping it's rape. Then there are some people that like to wake up to that, too.

I'm very ashamed to say it, but once I had thought about this...that my bf would like to wake up to me having sex with him...but I never did it. I had thought about it, yes, but then I thought, "wait a minute-that's rape." Why is it rape? Because he couldn't say yes or no in his sleep.

I'm glad I never went through with what I was thinking...I mean it's an exciting thing to wake up to, but the reality of what it is isn't.

Hi Lex,

Yes, I do agree that a female can be guilty of this act we call rape just as any man can..... but in most cases an adult person (g/f or wife) cannot precede with the actual sex act without the man acknowledgement, for he needs to be ready (erected) for his wife / girlfriend to be with him sexually and by this time he would be awake....
Were as a man can get him self all stirred and ready to enter the female before she even has time to wake up from her slumber - to say yes or no.

BTW - I love to be waken to the soft gentle kisses and touch of my husband, but a good husband should never precede to be intimate (the actual sex act) with his wife until she is ready and willing.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

absolutley......anytime one feels violated in any way....by anybody......that is wrong.

It is very possible, and very sad too. To be betrayed in that way is very intense.

Desirae

BUMP ~

Bring Up My Post - - - - for Cstrong82 to see and to READ ....................... ((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Okay, you know, I am just recently realizing this but I think he has done it for a very long time. I wake up and my husband has my undershirt untucked and is touching anything that he wants to. Before I actually realized what it was specifically, I would often wake up just generally feeling violated. I also noticed that I plan what to wear to bed that will help me to feel more secure - more layers, waistbands that I can tie tightly, long tops, .... I guess that he figues I'm more receptive in the morning. When I wake up he expects more action and he acts hurt if he doesn't get it, and turns up the grabbing and helping himself (not just in the morning - it ends up being any time, any place, as it keeps intensifying until I give in). This really started getting to me on weekends when I stayed up past 3 a.m. studying because that's the only time I can concentrate, and I was counting on sleeping in, and he woke me up that way around 6 (maybe he figured on trying to get what he wanted before the kids were up). I was really irritated the first morning, and then the same thing happened the next morning too. I'm not good at saying no, so I give him what he wants more out of guilt ,and feeling obligated, and wanting to be left alone. I've been starting to be aware of this for maybe three years, and the awareness just keeps getting bigger and bugging me more, but if I work on saying no when I want to, I know he won't like that and will probably just turn it up a notch. Well, maybe I don't know that for sure, but that's my guess. And it doesn't really seem fair to him. Somebody tell me what to do.

Rap

BTW, he tells me that he would like it if I surprised him sometime and he woke up to me doing things to him. Not something I want to do.

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Not something I want to do.

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Then don't do it...and tell him you hate all this touching in secret....Id be mighty mad..I will pm you an idea in a bit..I dont think I can post it

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Lexicon78 said:
A lot of people don't realize that if you have sex with your partner while they're sleeping it's rape.

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This happened to me several times when I was married and when my pdoc told me it was rape I was in shock. My ex used to hound me about sex so much I would just pretend to sleep through it. I was raped violently when I was younger so I thought this would have been something different since we were married.

Dear CheryBery,

I am so SORRY that YOU had to endure this personal issue as well.... for it is so much more damaging with the violator being someone you once loved & trusted.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thank you Rhapsody! I think this is a good thread because so many of us who have been married have never even thought of this being something that could happen. I was absolutely floored when I was told this was rape.
To anyone who has been through this just know even though you are in a relationship and are in love with someone it can happen and no one should ever tolerate someone doing this too you. You own your own body, and you alone. If you need to put "no tresspassing" signs on your property you have every right and NO ONE should EVER violate it!
HUGS
Cher

Rhapsody, thanks for posting the link to this thread. I had forgotten about it, but now I remember. It seems there are so many people who struggle with this. And over time, it doesn't get better. If it isn't addressed, the resentment and feeling of being violated just keeps getting worse. I guess the only way to address it effectively is to start communicating clearly and standing up for what you need/want/don't want. It's not easy. We need to learn to give straight answers that don't leave room for interpretation. And if you mean no, say no, don't say maybe.