For those who have been abused, do you ever fantasize...

**trigger maybe, for mention of CSA

For those who've been abused, do you ever fantasize or think about/wonder what it would be like to abuse others?

Do you think it is normal behavior? For example, for someone who was sexually abused as a child to think about abusing children?

Do you ever fantasize about being abused again in order to get the same attention you did at the time or to try and fight back harder to stop it?

I'm just wondering what you guys think - any other thoughts and feelings are welcome.

I can answer, “Yes,” to all of the questions.

As a child I used to believe that children existed for the sole purpose of being abused sexually - I thought that was my role in life and that of all children. Even now, while I hate to admit it, the idea of forcing someone into doing something sexual with me seems like normal, sexual behavior and an aspect of all relationships. Now, when in counseling, I am perplexed at how “love” manifests itself in relationships and sex? All I see is force, coercion, and overpowering someone else until they do what you want. Of course, I logically know that none of this is true, but it is still a mindset that remains with me, and I am absolutely horrified of sex now. People talk about it like it’s fun and enjoyable, whereas I can’t think of something worse than it, not even death itself.

I hate it when others talk to me about having children; there’s no possible explanation I can provide them about how much I don’t want children without talking about this. One of the longest held fears is that a woman will force me to have sex with her and have a child. To counter that, I am interested in having a vasectomy done as soon as I can, so I never have to have a child.

Although I don’t do it as much now, I have fantasized about being a child again and killing my abuser, because when I was in the 4th grade (about 9-years-old or maybe earlier than that) I pulled out a pocket knife on my dad when I was about to be beaten for making homework mistakes again.

Again, while I know these aren’t logical feelings, it’s hard to explain but I see abuse everywhere, like a constant cycle playing out in my mind. It seems so normal to me I suppose? Like I have been desensitized to it. I think and feel really horrible things towards others. (I HAVE NO ACTED ON THAT!)

I’m screwed up inside to be honest . Years of this does damage to a person.

I've never been a victim of SA, and I hope I don't intrude by offering my thoughts, but I think I can see some logic in your questions.

I think your third question about reliving it isn't, perhaps, as illogical as it may sound at first read. I would think it normal to think of how it might've gone differently, or what you could've done if ____. I don't think that's something unexpected. The "what if's" are a common part of human nature in almost any negative experience. I don't think something of this magnitude wouldn't include that; if anything, I think it'd be a greater magnitude of it.

I would think in the other questions it's, perhaps, not uncommon. As much as I hate to throw out statements of the "I once read" variety without a backing link (they tend to be about as valid as "I once had a friend who had a friend who's cousin told me" stories, in my experience), a significant percentage of abusers were at one point abused. I don't mean to say that one leads to the other. But my thoughts would be that if someone was introduced to this as their first sexual encounter, then it would be natural for the person to, in at least some respects, try to "normalize" in a sense the action, as that was their introduction to sex, thus equating sex with the abuse.

I hope I didn't intrude on the topic, but I don't think it's entirely unnatural. This is, of course, my conjecture, but I think given some thought that those feelings could be understood.

My best,
Harley

Never. I would never want to abuse anybody. I grew up that way and then endured 31 years of an abuse from (a now) ex. I am now an advocate for...the abused.

Unfortunately, many people who were abused go on to abuse others....possibly a revenge thing.

yes I sometimes fantasize about me being abused..my treatment providers tell me for me this is completely normal. because of being abused as a child, I had an alter that was programmed with abuse tactics to abuse me/herself and to seek out those that abuse. when that alter integrated with me everything she was became part of me. there was also the element of the type of abuse I went through (sexual abuse), this in itself tends to leave victims feeling like they caused the abuse, that it is their punishment for perceived wrongs, add that to my having the alternate personality it was only natural thats what I am sometimes attracted to and fantasize about. luckily i have my wife who is a woman who understands the mechanics/logistics when dealing with this kind of thing so that when those times come up, my wife and I are able to add adventure, spice to our intimate times without taking things too far.

example when things are heating up and she can tell I have entered my own thoughts she asks me what Im thinking, tell her, she joins in with the fantasy but has a definite boundary she will not cross, and we use safety words so that either one of us may stop the fantasy/roll playing at any time. We also honor each others choice when the safety words have been spoken.

fantasizing about abusing children ...absolutely not. I know all the negative side of things being abused as a child left me with for my whole life so far and still having problems from being abused as a child.. I would never want to leave any child feeling like I do for their life, in my opinion from being a treatment provider of abused children and also going through it myself, child abuse no matter what kind leaves the child to grow up with life long problems. because I have this view that child abuse is wrong and only causes a child who cannnot protect their self with all kinds of life long problems and mental disorders my mind wont even entertain the idea of abusing a child, not even in my fantasies. I literally get sick to my stomach every day at work when children services walks in the crisis center with a child who is bruised, battered, sometimes broken boned, withdrawn, traumatized eyes, lack of affect (unable to show any feelings, unable to feel any emotions)...

to me fantasies are for self gratification and I dont get off on children. Im not saying its wrong for others to do so, only that its not me and its wrong for me in my book of self gratification whether its daydreaming, fantasizing, what ever. I know that some people who have been abused as children and do fantasize/become child abusers their self.

Ask any convicted child abuser around here where I live and work, they will tell you they started out fantasizing and then moved into abusing children that they have fantasized about... for this reason I always say to some one who comes to me with fantasizing about abusing children, contact your treatment providers. they can help you with this issue. to those fighting to stay in control of these kinds of fantasies again I say contact your treatment providers. they can help you accomplish your goal of not having these kinds of fantasies.

do I ever fantasize I am being abused for the attention..absolutely not. the attention I got when I was abused was questioned by teachers, questioned by the police, doctors probing where children should never have to be examined, questioned by lawyers, taken away from my immediate family until after the trial so my abusers could not have access to me, having to testify in court against my abusers, when I moved back with my parents after the trial the whole town knew what had happened to me, I was stared at, whispered about, called all kinds of names, bullied in school because of it, to get me a fresh start my parents packed us all up and moved us to another town, had to make new friends, new teachers, got held back because my grades were not good enough... gosh so many negative stuff which left me feeling ashamed, guilt ridden,...lots of feelings but none of them was enjoyment, none of them had anything to do with liking the kind of attention I got. I didnt even want to be in therapy because even that represented the terrible trauma and after affects I had gone through. So hoping/wanting/ fantasizing getting abused for attention was not an issue for me.

my fantasizing about being abused isnt about attention its more an instinct with me not a conscious act. I was programmed to be abused, just like a child who has a parent that hands over food every time the child cries, encounters something upsetting, that child is going to have an addiction to food, an unconscious instinct/urge to eat food when upset, angry...like a drug addict after being exposed and using drugs will have an instinctual urge for the rest of their life where they crave the drug of their choice.

Emptyy,

This is a very difficult topic for me to talk about, as it brings up very dark thoughts that I've held deep inside for MANY years. I can't logically explain why, but several years ago, I was visiting some family members. One was a pre-teen nephew, he was sweet and cute. I was horrified that I felt sexually attracted to him. I am SOOOO against any kind of abuse, so why I thought of my nephew sexually just disgusted me with myself and built a HUGE amount of shame inside.

I haven't EVER told a soul about the incident, for fear of being more alienated and people thinking I'm a digusting, REALLY sick woman. I was repeatedly sexually abused in early and mid-childhood/adolesence (sp?). I haven't ever wanted to cause others the endless pain that I've suffered. So, I really can't rationalize where those temptations possibly came from. Very, very sick. I suppose that incidents like these make my self-hate even more intense. That's a big struggle in my life.

I abused my dog when I was a kid and was being abused myself. Nothing really major, and nothing to actually physically harm the dog, but I would scare her by trying to push her off the bed, and made her growl at me and stuff... I think back on it and feel really bad about it, but now I understand that I just wanted something to control when my parents were all controlling to me. I do fantasize about beating someone up, and wish I could...

((((((emptty))))))

In my view, being forced to me means that the other person loves and needs me so much he becomes forceful. I think and imagine that if I were being forced, it's because he wants me that badly, that he loves me enough that he can't wait and can't control himself. BUT that's only the ideas in my head that I continue to fight with.

I think this stemmed from the abusers always after telling me they loved me, they couldn't control themselves etc. Making up excuses. My abuser had the nerve to apologize to me after he did it each and every time. But if he was sorry, he wouldn't have done it again the next day.

So somewhere in my childhood I developed the idea, that if they hurt you in that way it's because, well they love you and need you. While I know that's not true now, it doesn't stop the ideas every now and then. It's hard to admit but if you or anyone else is feeling this way I don't want you to feel alone.

Of course I don't want to be forced, in reality, I've been there by many men and it was absolutely horrible. So I started to wonder, "well what if it was in a consensual relationship" but it didn't work for me either. I ended up getting choked and almost smothered and it triggered me like something terrible. The act itself, well the agression of it wasn't consensual, it had never been discussed but I thought it would be ok since it was within the relationship, but it was much worse than I would have imagined.

So not to blab your ear off, but yes I do feel and imagine sometimes being forced, it's like that child part whispers in my ear "if they don't take it, they don't love you as much as the ones who do" but now the logical part is much louder and telling me how warped that idea is. But the small voice still lingers.

I've never thought however about hurting children, I feel like it's my purpose in life to help children, especially the ones who were abused. I could never harm an innocent child, I have a large heart and all I can see is their innocense and all I want is to protect that. HOWEVER, if my memory serves me correctly, I believe I read that much like my idea of wanting to be abused, often those who hurt children were programmed to think it's what children want, or deserve, or somehow it's justified, because they were programmed to believe just that

I hope you find your answers, any form of childhood abuse causes so many questions and doubts

I'm still being abused so I can't answer but couldn't abuse another child that's why still in it to protect other's

I would never hurt a child. I am very guarding and protective of children. I do how ever fanasize about myself being hurt and feel guilty for even that.

When its not happening I do fantisize about it I wont say what I do but I feel sick wonder what's wrong with me

I don't fantasize about any of the above but I do fantasize who will come to my funeral when I die

This, but not in the way you think. I can never abuse another person or child. I am very protective of children and animals and people who are being abused to the point where I get very angry. This is why I became a counselor: to help people like me who were sexually abused as children get the help that I never got.

I'm super ashamed to admit this and I'm being very vulnerable here. I can't even talk about it in therapy. I only mentioned it once or twice and was so ashamed I switched topics.

I have never been a victim of SA. I don't condone abuse in any form. However, I do think cultural attitudes can prevent discussing what is normal and not, and I am sure a lot of things are more normal than we allow in polite society.



Your life experiences are going to shape how you express sexuality, for good or bad, just like other aspects of life. We can try our best to tease out what is wrong, or harmful, or how we are supposed to approach these issues, but it is hard to do that if we cannot be honest.

So, thanks for the honest discussion.

I will admit, I do fantasize about abusing abusers.

Like if somebody abuses a child I fantasize about kidnapping the abuser and forcing them to be my "child" or slave if you will.

I also have an obsession with the idea of technology that can mind control humans. For example, I read about a scientific research project a few years ago about this brain implant chip that was created to mind control an organism by overriding the "reward" center of the brain into whatever you choose. They put this brain implant into the head of a monkey and successfully made the monkey not want to eat bananas anymore.

I fantasize about putting a brain implant into every single abuser that I can and forcing them to be my personal slave army. Just the thought of overriding the will hundreds or even thousands of child abusers and rapists and forcing their life to revolve around serving me and making me happy and me wielding absolute power and authority over them makes me freakishly happy.

my T reassured me that its common but i felt huge shame in telling him. i wrote it in a letter and he sat in front of me on the floor and read it. he said it is ok. and its common for people who went thru CSA

I would never abuse child, i just could not, but i abused my ex girlfriend, not sexually but emotionally.

It seems that we(victims) are trying to get revenge somehow...