Possible Sexual Abuse, Memory Issues

Not sure where to start but I guess I just need a little clarity on something if you guys can help me out. I've never had many memories from my childhood and suddenly about three years ago I started having flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms. These flashbacks were really a mixture of things both good, bad and neutral and frankly I don't know what to make of them. I don't know whether to believe them or not, as they came out of the blue during a manic episode. I know I came from an emotionally abusive family, but these memories were a bit different I guess. My boyfriend and therapist both think I've suffered some sort of sexual abuse in the past but my memories stopped abruptly and I have never gotten any clear indication that sexual abuse happened to me. I guess the reasons my therapists and boyfriend think this may be the case is because I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and I have issues with sexual dysfunction (as in I go through periods where I can't stand to be touched and periods where all I want is sex), as well as dissociation (especially during sex). I also have memories of inappropriate sexual knowledge at a very young age (like maybe 5 or so, not sure) and suffered from chronic vaginal infections as a kid. I don't know if there is anything to this and I don't know if I believe in spontaneous recovery of memories of abuse, but this has been driving me nuts over the last couple years, to the point where I've attempted suicide three times, had some serious relationship issues (including emotional and physical abuse on both sides with my current partner). I guess I understand that no one will ever be able to tell me what happened to me. I just wish I could gain some clarity and stop letting this run my life. I don't know what makes me feel sicker: the fact that I may be accusing someone I love of sexually abusing me when they haven't or the thought that maybe someone did do these things to me.

Any thoughts? Please help... so sick of dealing with this.

my thoughts....everything you posted could or could not point to being sexually abused.. there are many mental and physical health issues that can cause a person to have any combination or all of the symptoms you posted and it not be sexual abuse. and it goes the other way too..these symptoms you posted can also be sexual abuse...

the only way you will know for sure whether you were sexually abused or not is by working with your treatment provider ie your therapist, and in time it will be clear to you one way or the other.

i completely understand. im in the same exact situation. few memories but a lot of things point to that something happened. i get really hung up on needing to remember exactly.....especially since all these things point to my dad. is your bf supportive? i wish i had something super helpful to say besides "i know exactly where you're at". Hang in there and trust your gut feeling. My T is a trauma T and she says we can repress things that are too much to handle at the time but they will resurface later when we are able to deal with them. Listen to your body. Its telling you these things for a reason.

I had a friend tell me the exact same thing, that I'll know when I'm ready to know. My boyfriend is pretty supportive of me, he's part of the reason I've sought out therapy for this. It's been tough on us and a bit of a strain on our relationship (he has past sexual trauma too that he hasn't dealt with yet) but we're working on it.

Thank you!

Do you remember the act itself?

The fact that you had sexual knowledge long before the natural course of life indicates a form of sexual abuse. Whether or not it was physical is a different question.

No I don't, that's what makes me question if there's even anything there or if this is just some bad wiring in my brain or something. The whole issue started a couple years ago after I was raped in college (along with some other traumatic experiences). I ended up barely able to sleep for a month (I didn't even drink coffee or anything), having panic attacks, dissociative problems and self injuring again. During that time I started to have vivid flashbacks of my childhood- not necessarily bad stuff, just a mixed bag, mostly mundane. I hadn't even realized that I didn't remember my childhood till the memories came back. I do remember thinking to myself around my teens that my childhood self was not me and I had no connection with her and then I just forgot everything till that period in college. Eventually I started sleeping again and got therapy and I don't get new flashbacks very often anymore. But again I got nothing conclusive. Pretty much all I know is that I've always had trouble with sex in my adult life (I dissociate a lot) and I have a few memories that make me feel like stuff in my life just doesn't add up. I know I had age inappropriate sexual knowledge, I had sexual encounters with friends starting when I was 5, I had vaginal infections a lot and that's about it. I'm an only child and I tried talking to my mom about it. She said the only abnormal thing about me as a kid was that I wasn't very social. She said no one in my family would abuse me and specifically said she never left me alone with my grandpa (even though I know for a fact that she did). I also have some other fuzzy memories that I can't make sense of (when I had the flashbacks the perspective was off if that makes sense and I couldn't tell what was going on) but I get bad gut feelings when I experience and/or think of them. I've told my therapist and my fiance about all this and they think there might have been sexual abuse involved. I really have no idea if it's that or if my brain is playing tricks on me. I had another friend tell me I was just searching for tragedy in my past because that's what I wanted. I think she was insensitive but I wonder if she's right and it's all in my head.

Why would your mom say that she never left you alone with your grandpa? That seems suspicious. Is this her father?

The conversation that I had with her was really heated but I think she mentioned my dad's parents first and then said something about "your grandpa" so I think she was talking about her dad. It was just so heated that I'm not 100% sure which grandpa it was. I do have one memory that came back of touching myself in front of my mom's dad and him chastising me for it but that's it. My mom is also really on about "how close you and grandpa were" but I don't remember being close to him at all once I got out of elementary school. It does seem a little weird and doesn't really add up either way. My fiance looks at that conversation as proof that my mom knows my grandpa was at least capable of something, if not guilty of something, but I don't know.

You're not alone, trust me. I know the feelings, and I like you have the same sort of symptoms. Except for me it's bipolar not borderline. For me I have no recorded trauma or any sense of where it might have come from. But I too took stalk of my symptoms and it seems like everything points that way.

My advice is to concentrate on the present. Deal with the symptoms as they come, and the memories as they come.

You put it perfectly in the bottom part of your first post, the feeling of dread thinking something happened but also not wanting anything to happen.

No one will be able to tell you for sure if it did or not, though it seems like it's a very real possibility. Don't force the memories and just try and take everything in stride. Trust me, it's not easy. YOU know the truth, even if you don't know you know it. So once you discover it for yourself, though hard, that is your only proof.

Stay strong.

I know exactly but ur going thru. Iv experienced the same things as u. I grew up in a broken house. I lived with my mother on a daily basis nd would visit my father every other weekend until he gave up parental rights nd my grandmother nd grandfather took my father's visiting days. I nvr used 2 hv many memories of my childhood experiences at my father's or grandfather's house. I do hv some memories of life at my mother's although not many. i hv been hving flashbacks lately but nothing concret enough tht i could recognize my attacker or even being attacked. Mostly wht i remember is extreme fear, screaming, and strong hands grabbing me. I can sorta sense tht something happened but i cant remember enough tht i can move on or get over it. Im sure tht if i was attacked it was either by my father, grandfather, or half brother who is 8 yrs older. They are all mentally unstable nd i fear tht any of them may b capable of sexually assulting me. I know that people say ignorance is bliss but ik tht for ppl like u nd me not knowing is even worse. U feel guilty for suspecting a family member of abuse even thou some small part of u knows it happened. You can nvr confront ur attacker or move on aftr ur attack. I am so sorry ur dealing with this. I wish i had an answer tht would help u. All i can say is if u think ur strong enough keep pushing urself 2 look into ur mind. Through the velvety black curtain tht shields ur memories. I hope tht one day u r able 2 confront ur abuser nd r able 2 hv a happy sucsessful life. <3

I started having dreams of sexual assault at about 6 I used to act out sexually and let other kids assault me. I thought it was right. And now, when I feel guilty or ashamed I get a tingling, sexual sensation... the same feeling I get when I see a boy I like. And I cant tell the difference. I dont know. Its complicated... and I also have no memories of anything. Your not alone.

Me too. I feel so dirty now.

I get the same feeling. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it makes for great sex with my fiance. Sometimes it's a little bit of both and we both feel a little dirty for fantasizing about things like this. I think this happens to a lot of people who have been through things like we have and I think we just have to learn to make peace with our experiences and how our bodies react to that. It's easier said than done though...

I can definitely understand. It's so hard to decide whether you should confront them especially if you don't know for sure if anything happened or who did it.

Thank you! I've been trying really hard to stay in the present and be zen about it. I know I'll find out when I'm ready but it's so hard to just sit with it. Yoga and meditation really help me but some days that still isn't enough. I'm trying to just learn to accept that this is my cross to bear and not freak out about it anymore.