i have just confronted my brother about the abuse, and i told him to leave. i am crying and shaking, and he is trying to upt the responsibi;ty onto me and make me feel bad by saying i am ruining lives by asking him to leave. i am so scared, someone help. i dont know what to do. i feel sick.

hes trying to lay on the guilt trip and i feel so bad, hes saying that i will be ruining people lives, even though i said i won be telling anyone else

i feel so bad and so alone right now, ive locked myself in my room talkin to him over msn messenger (a one to one conversation box over the web) and hes in his room, im scared to leave my room. i am so scared and feel sick

if your name is on the housing papers and not his you can have him removed by the police. just explain to them that you confronted him about past abuse and he is now using emotional abuse to intimidate you and you have asked him to leave and he is refusing to do so. They will ask you if you want to press charges. If you don't just say no right now you just want him to leave the premices so that you will feel safer. They will then inform him that since his name is not on the property lease, rental agreement or ownership he was basically a guest and he must leave when asked. They will watch as he gathers some things and escourt him off the property.

Another way you can do it is go to your local police department and tell them you want a protection order. you have just confronted you abuser of past abuse and you feel that you may be in danger now. they will take a statement as to what the abuse was and then a judge will sign the protection order. you will recieve yours right away and the other person will recieve his when the police come to the home to remove him from the home. you wqill not even have to be there when they serve him and remove him.

i doubt very much that it would get that far. he asked me what i want him to do and i said "i dont know" to which he replied "what would you do in my shoes", and i replied "leave" so he said he would and that it will be in a few weeks, which i think is fine.

i feel really drained right now. ive been crying loads. he went out staright after our talk and i dont know where he went. i feel really bad. im so tired from crying tonight but i cant sleep, its 1:17am here and i have to get up at 6:45am to go to work. i just cant face it but i cant stay home tomorrow, i have to go in.

i feel like ive let my deceased mum down. i feel ive broken her heart and that shes watchin me now feeling so ashamed of me. did i do the right thing? i dont know what to think anymore.

ive written my brother a note saying that it isnt easy for me to deal with the fact that i was sexually abused and i just need space. i made it clear too him that i wont be telling my dad or the police etc, as long as he leaves and gives me the space i need. i also said i wont hate him forever, im just doing what i need to do to be able to let it go.

he said some things earlier that hurt me. he said things tht made me feel like he saw me as some sort of a toy to "play with" and that made me tell him i hate him for what hes done. whether that was the right thing to do or not, i dont know. i havent given him the note yet, ive just written it, im wondering whether i should wait until tomorrow to put it in his room or do it now before he comes home.

i am so sorry if i seemed desperate when i first posted this thread. i was in the middle of talking to him and i was having some sort of panic attack. i just need some people to talk to, just so i dont feel so isolated right now. i feel so lonely and i just need to know theres people there for me.

thank you for listening. id love to hear from you.

[damajdancer]

Oh Simon, im sorry things didnt go the way you wanted.
But you are SO SO SO brave for confronting him.
I know how extremely hard it is, you are defiently someone to admire.
I wish I had a chance to confront my abuser, but I didnt.
I hope you get feeling better, you are just so brave!
You are in my thoughts.
Please PM me if you need to talk.
Gentle, caring hugs,
-Megan-

[OneAndMany]

Simon,

I don't have any great words of advice--but I do feel that I know how you are feeling since I confronted my parents in July. It is sooo hard right now for you. I think the only thing that I can say is to remember to breathe and remember that this moment will pass. You will go on because you have managed to go on so far and though you may not feel it, you are strong.

Elizabeth

[FaithisAlive]

Simon.. What an incredibly brave thing you did! Of course you are tired.. you have just released yourself from a heavy burden and the work it took has exhasuted you!! Good for you!! One step towards healing... even though it may not seem like it.

Try not to worry too much about his feelings right now. He is a big boy. he can deal with his own feelings. You take care of you . It is normal for you to feel you hate him. Maybe that will change one day.. maybe not.Its okay.I hate him too.

Your mom would not be ashamed of you or disappointed in any way. She is probably proud of you for having the courage to stand up and force your brother to KNOW that you KNOW what he did and that you know it wasn't okay for him to do that.She is probably very hurt and ashamed of him for what he did.

So please, don't let yourself think you let her down in any way. If she were here, her heart would be breaking for what you have been through.. for your pain.. and for how disappointing her other son turned oout to be.But never for what you have done or said.

Rest now... wrap yourself up in your work as much as you have energy for...and thats all. otherwise, rest.

Keeping you in my prayers and my thoughts... Faith

Im here and am glad you are safe and your brother is going to leave. hang in there.

[JustAPixie]

Simon

Don't let him blackmail you with emotional abuse, he is just trying to justify what he has done so that he can feel better about himself. By putting you down he is trying to raise himself. The note is a good idea... be the bigger person in this situation. I don't like your brother for what he has done to you, but you have to remember that now he also has some stuff to work out that he had probably locked away for long. He will also need a little time to adjust to the "new" you, the one who is finally confronting him. Maybe he's scared because he know what he did was wrong. Faith is right, look after yourself for now and don't let him get to you. It would also be good to make sure that he is making plans to leave, otherwise he may just be stalling and hoping the situation will dissolve and never move... keep the pressure on him. I wish you all the strenght that you need to get through this, I'll be thinking of you.

Tanya

[Rebel74]

Oh Simon. that was incredibly courageous of you to confront him. first off - stay safe & do what you feel like you need to do to take care of yourself? Can you stay at a friend's place for a couple of nights? I know your dad isn't very helpful... but can you at least tell him that your brother said he'd move out and try to get dad on board for that... you know encouraging him, helping him pack etc?

That was a bold move, you're really standing up for yourself. Good luck & hang in there... the only feelings that matter right now are yours.

[almostangela]

The above postings are wonderful as it shows you how much you are loved and supported. I'd like to add that your mother, who would not be able to see more clearly from her new vantage point, would be very proud of you.

Thank you to every single one of you who were so supportive to me. unfortunately, i went to bed before i saw any replies so i didnt read them until 10 mins ago.

i went to bed last night a mess. i was crying, shaking and feeling really sick. what i did took so much courage for me it felt and it felt like i dragged my insides out. i cried myself to sleep last night at about 3am and 3 and a half hours my alarm went off for me to go to work. i was wasted today.

it was so hard to go 8 hours of work today keeping my emotions in, no one in work knows about my abuse and so i had to hide behind a shield all day and pretend everything was rosey, that was so exhausting in itself. i had no one to talk to and felt just as alone as i did last night. i nearly started crying a couple of times today but had to restrain from it. when people asked me why i looked so unhappy i just told them i was really tired. which wasnt a lie really, i was.

i didnt leave that note for my brother last night, i wrote it but didnt want to give it to him, i wanted to see how i felt like today. i will re-write it in an email form and email him it.

when i left work this afternoon i had a text from him saying "alright si? sorry if i said things that were out of order, just didnt know wot to do or say. just shocked youre being like this that was all...all i can say is sorry and that i wanna sort it out as much as you do. try to think of me as being a new person since then. that person i was - obnoxious - is dead now". i still want him to leave though, im not backing down. i will acknowledge that he is sorry but im not backing down. he needs to have back the feelings he gave me 9 years ago.

i have been feeling really guilty today, he has been made redundant and he leaves in 1 week and has no other job to go to, and he is being given £8000 (british pounds) redundancy pay which he was going to use to pay off his £20,000 debts. he used that to try to make me feel guilty last night but im not accepting it from now onwards, i felt guilty all day but that stops now. he is 24, he should be able to move out by now and he has to learn. i am thinkin gi might say to him that he can stay here until he gets another job, then i want him out, but i dont know really. its not even my house, i live with my dad too.

i dont know if i will hate him for ever, thats not for me to judge yet. in the email i will send i will say that he needs to give me space otherwise i will hate him for ever.

i do feel better about things now as i did last night, and even this morning. i just need a darn good nights sleep and i will see how things are tomorrow. take it day by day.

i am glad i have done it (confronting him) because it has taken huge wieghts off my shoulders and even though i feel guilt, i am quickly dropping this, its just an aftershock thought that will fade, and already is, fast.

i think what he doesnt like is the fact he thought he could remain un-punished for what he did and he didnt expect me to do this. i am such a stronger person now and i dont think he likes it. loads of people around me still expect me to be shy and quiet, and really nervous. and when they see me stand up for what i believe in and not back down, it shocks them. which is good for me because the new me is here and people need to accept it.

again, thank you so much for the supportive words, it has picked me up after a hard day, and i will pm most of you shortly personally thanking you for your help.

take care and speak soon

[jennie]

Please consider calling NAPAC



also support is available here
http://www.napac.org.uk/support/regional/
http://www.napac.org.uk/survivorsforum/

NAPAC is an umbrella organisation that refers adult survivors of abuse to local counselling, support and help groups.

Here are some numbers for you to call if you need to talk:

Rape & Abuse Line for Men 0808 800 0122
Rape & Abuse Line for Women 0808 800 0123
Survivors UK for Men 0845 122 1201
Samaritans 08457 909090
Safeline 0808 800 500
Careline 020 8514 1177

We also answer emails and letters from survivors of abuse, friends, partners, and supporters. http://www.napac.org.uk/contact/

[JustAPixie]

I'm so glad you are feeling better Simon, I was thinking of you all day, thinking how I might react and I must say I would have folded! You are very strong! Congrats on the big step.

[blondawn]

simon, you are so very brave! and you are doing the right thing, stick with it! my thoughts are with you all the way!

[sammi]

Oh wow simon i wish i was even just a little bit brave like you. You really accomplished something today. You should be very proud of yourself. I hope you are.

Good luck and please take care of yourself
(((((warm hugs)))))
sammi

[JustAPixie]

((((((((Simon)))))))))

Thanks for your support and all the mesages, I'm thinking of you every day...

[hillbunnyb]

oh my Simon, you have done very well standing up for what you need right now to get on with your healing. If your bro reallly has turned a new leaf, he will act the man and pack out.

when one person in a family changes, all must shift to accomodate the "new form". it is awkward and uncomfortable and challenging for everybody. BUT, it is worth the struggle to have that weight off ones shoulders...... IMHO

keep on defining your boundaries and expecting/demanding they be respected. even if you shake. have you read about january and the shakes she had when she stood up for herself the other day? you are not alone, your Mom is looking down proud of you.

well i had to go to a family meal last night, there were a dozen of us there and guess who i ended up sitting opposite, my brother. he was just the other side of the table from me and it ruined the night for me. i couldnt relax, i ended up sitting there arms crossed looking down at the table. it was my cousins birthday, and i was bad company, i tried to be happy and put on a brave face which i did for a lot of the time but all he did was talk about himself and it got to me that i had to sit there in silence. definately ruined for me.

i had to sit there seeing him boast about this and that, and talking about himself for so long. he loves himself so much, so vain. i must say it was so hard. i tried to sit somewhere else but because me and my dad turned up a few minutes too late everyone was already sat down and so i had to sit there. if i sat where my dad ended up sitting i would have been right next to him!

i felt constantly un-nerved and i didnt like it at all. especially considering his attitude towards me all day yesterday (saturday). he was really nice and talking to me and sitting in my room watching me play on my computer. he's now acting like nothing happened and i dont like it. now i need to think about what to do next. when we were at the meal last night my brother turned to my dad and said "because im being made redundant this week, can you reduce the amount of rent i have to pay and i will do all the cleaning", and i was sat there thinking "wait a second! you are suppose to be moving out, not staying!" and i nearly said to him in front of everyone "i thought you were looking to move out" but i didnt. wish i had now, it would have kept him aware of whats happening. he just acts like nothing happened and for him to say that makes me doubt he's looking to move out. it seems that when i asked him for space he stayed out of my way for a few days, and now he thinks thats enough! it makes me so angry!

any suggestions anyone?

[JustAPixie]

Stay strong... you are gonna have to kick him out if he doesn't want to go! Don't let him run all over you.

[hillbunnyb]

he is used to being in power. as you let the air out of his tires by getting stronger, he most likely will compensate by blowing his own horn extra loud. the louder he blows, the bigger you are in his mind. i bet he neer expected you to grow up enough to confront him. he has seen you as his little helpless brother.... gone are those days!!!

I wish you had an ally amongst your relatives. Is there no one you can confide in?

unfortunately not hillbunnyb, my family are quite similar to him in the sense that they mainly just think about themselves and wouldnt be able to accept what i told them.

i will remain strong tanya, he is not going to win this, not anymore. he has had power over me for too long and now im so much stronger i can defeat him if i so wish. i think he does know that yes hillbunnyb, and that is why he does it, i wouldnt have minded so much last night but i was sat opposite him!

i really dont think he likes the thought of me being so different to the old "victim" i used to be. i used to be the type of person who got so afraid of confrontation and was constantly scared of anything. now im the opposite, i wont back down if its something i truly believe in or goes against my principals. i think hes in a denial stage now, he thinks that if he is nice to me i will let it go and let him stay...how wrong he can be. if he doesnt move out i will give him an ultimatum...he goes or i go, and if i go i will tell EVERYONE why im going. it couldnt get simpler than that. im not prepared to be treated like that pathetic person i use to be, like you say hillbunnyb, gone are those days.

[damajdancer]

Simon,
I know exactly how it feels to have no one to go to in the family. When my family found out I was raped (they didnt hear it from me), it was like I wasnt a member of the family anymore, and Im 13. Then my parents thought I staged it just so I could get more attention. So after they started treating me like that I went and stayed with a very close friend. After she turned around on me also, i went back to face my family. And I told them straight up everything I needed to tell them. It felt good just to tell them the truth in my perspective. So all in all it turned out better than it could have been. My family still wont talk to me, but it could be worse.
I hope in all my blabing you found some kind of support, that is what Im trying to give!
Take good care,
-Megan-

[Rebel74]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Simply_Simon said:
im not prepared to be treated like that pathetic person i use to be, like you say hillbunnyb, gone are those days.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You were not a pathetic person - you were a CHILD!!! Please don't be mean to yourself like that. You are maturing, and growing stronger and stronger. But you were never pathetic... you were just a small innocent child who got hurt by someone you should have been able to trust.

((((((simon)))))

i suppose your right, rebel. i always assumed i was pathetic, and i had many around me telling me so too. i always felt i missed out on a happy childhood and i hate that. i would loved to have been able to grow up healthy and happy, but it wasnt meant to be. ive always been told im crap at this, rubbish at that, am this, am that...and so i guess i just naturally assume i am those things. i dont do that now, i dont let me people talk to me like that anymore, but its hard not to absorb this treatment when you are young. i was always an outcast (whether it is my own doing or not) and i was always having to ammuse myself and be good company for myself so when i look back i think i was pathetic for it, but i dont know, maybe i wasnt. like you say, its not my fault is it.

thank you, and damajdancer, there was support in there, i saw it. thank you. unfortunately, i have no where else to go if it all exploded so i will remain quiet until i can leave and then i will reveal all. im currently writing a book now and its going to be all in that, and i will be getting it published hopefully. i dont want to be quiet anymore, doing that makes me think the people who have ruined my life are getting away with it, and they shouldnt be allowed to. when i finish the book i will send it to you guys first if you want so you can read it, im hoping its going to be educational and inspirational for those who have had similar experiences or who are experiencing it now. i hope to do this in music too in the near future.

speak soon.