[pompeii]

i was born in a small town in 1996 i was the third and final child in a middle class family, i was born with a cleft lip which shortly after was repaired,the year after we moved to a bigger city, a subdivision in a good part of town, we where home schooled and living a pretty good life,until things started to happen, not to get into details but a neighbour kept knocking at are door late at night, my parents answered and he told them basically that he was sexually attracted to me, the 3 and a half year old little girl from next door, he said that we mentally connect with each other and that i am in love with him as well.right after that we got a guard dog from the local pound and put the house up for sale. that's the story my parents tell,i have a different story, one i never told anyone,probably because i felt like i deserved it because i was born with a cleft lip and it costed so much money and i don't deserve to be in a good family and lead a normal life, i remember making a promise that i would never tell anybody .

i remember waking up, it was light in the room and i didn't have any pants on, an adult male was rubbing my side and then set his left hand on my chest pressing firmly holding me into place, right hand between my legs, it started out calm and began to feel like i was drowning, i could barely breathe, which was probably from his hand jammed on my chest and one of his fingers stabbing into my throat, i remember seeing the pink striped walls in my room and the ceiling the man was standing on the floor with one knee on the bed, he had blue jeans on and a vertical striped blue and white shirt. that was the last thing i saw, i closed my eyes tightly and remember giving everything i had to escape but barely moved, grasping the sheets as hard as i could with my left hand then reaching above my head with my right hand trying to grab the bed frame as he was thrusting me back and forth i got a hold of the bed frame and for the fight of my life tried to pull myself away,then i gave up, i felt so weak i tried to scream but nothing came out, i was out of breath and felt like i was drowning in my tears,i don't remember how long it lasted, but when it stopped i turned away (Pretending to sleep?) he spoke for a minute but i couldn't hear what he was saying, it was like he wasn't speaking english, he silently walked out i waited about ten seconds and then put my pyjamas on as fast as i could, i squeezed myself into the tightest ball i could in the left corner of my bed and put all the blankets on the bed on top of me, i had no idea what just happened but i remember thinking it was my fault, i felt dirty, like i committed the worst crime in the world, after what felt like sitting there for two days i heard foot steps outside my room and decided to pretend i was sleeping, i remember thinking what people would do to me if they found out what i had just done, i was already such a burden to the family for being born with a cleft lip, would they put me on the streets, would i get disowned and left to die, i felt it was life or death if anyone found out, so i made the biggest promise of my life, no matter what happens, nobody finds out. i don't remember what happened after that incident nor who did it (i think i use to know but blocked it out when i was twelve, with a whole bunch of other memories)i don't know,and am probably better off not knowing what he actually did to me, there was definitely penetration but whether it was with his hand or if it was it rape? i don't know if that's even possibly at that age, all i know is it hurt so much on so many different levels, nothing like falling and spraining a wrist, an unexplainable pain, that some days i can still feel. i still wonder who did it, was it that perverted neighbour, was it my dad? why can't i remember.

Months past and its getting harder and harder not to say anything, i refuse to take naps and have temper tantrums every day,no one ever rationally asked me why i hated naps,i wouldn't even say the word napkin, i haven't been able to comfortably get to sleep when its light out since.
forward to 2001,i am 5 years old when i have my first memory of hiding my secret, me and my whole family are watching the new monsters inc. movie and are loving it, until there is one scene that reminds me of the event that took place a few years earlier, i start too get nervous and look away and close my ears until the scene ends, i remember thinking, maybe i am not the only one, if something like this is in a movie, it must have happened in real life to kids my age as well , and although i was never in a scream extractor, it was the first thing i really related to.

i got really 'shy' because i was scared i would occidentally tell someone something suspicious.
my parents had an old school 'right or wrong' parenting style, nothing wrong with that, but if they where to read all the parenting books they might have realized something had happened, but i think they thought my behaviour was normal,i was the only girl in the family and being born with a cleft, i was always in and out of hospitals, i was destined to be different in some respect.my father started to always get angry, seemed to hate kids in general, talks bad about his family, doesn't want his three kids to be around people in general,eventually starts hitting me and probably my two brothers as well, starting out with spankings and eventually getting full force smacks to the head, i felt like i was a piece garbage,and i did everything i could to be the adult he wanted me to be, i worked 6 hours without stopping some days, hard labour, all on my own, cleaning the house while everyone else was watching tv, playing video games and cooking, just so i could try to be good enough in my family, i started to go to work with my dad as much as i could, in the summertime we spent what felt like everyday in the heat gardening, pulling weeds laying down mulch and rocks, still i wasn't good enough,one time at work in the family business he grabbed me and threw me against the wall and screamed for five minutes about how he really felt about me, how bad of a job i was doing how i won't ever be good enough, but for whatever reason, i wasn't upset or get angry, i already knew how he felt. on the way home he said not to say anything because he was just joking. being who i was i tried to go more then ever with him to make up for my lack of not being a vary good person.being in the car with him was pretty weird sometimes, he would sometimes try to play this tickling game that always ended up in inappropriate places.

as i got older i figured out that if i don't get in trouble then no one would get hurt, i would consider myself the trouble maker of the house, so it wasn't easy but i mostly got good at covering up stuff i did, one time when i was 8 or 9 i thought i was going to get in so much trouble for something i tried to drink a bottle of windex, it didn't go as i planned i ended up spitting it up and not getting sick, nor did anyone find out what i did. around that time i started getting really scared to go out into public because i didn't want to get 'mugged' which was the only word i could relate to.
when i was 8 and 9 i really started to hate myself, i would lock myself in the wash room cupboard under the sink for long periods or time and cried for no apparent reason, i would hit myself with sticks out in the back woods behind our house and slam my arms and legs on studs and tables in our basement every chance i got, because i felt like i deserved it,it was my way of punishing myself for being such a 'bad person'everyone always asked where i got the bruises from and i would always say i don't know.
i would literally chant to myself for hours things like 'i'm not good enough' . ever since i was about 7 i would have nightmares every night, of people chasing me down in alleys and taking my clothes off, they would almost all was end up with me being stabbed or torn into pieces while still alive, i had alot of trouble getting to sleep at night because i was scared someone would come in and do something,
if i didn't sleep then it would be impossible for it to happen again, i was always moody in the day. i would also get really creeped out if i looked at my own hands,i always slept facing the door right in the middle of the bed so in case someone was under the bed they couldn't reach me.
around 10 i started feeling detached from myself, for some time everything felt unreal and i didn't feeling like i was controlling my body. feeling really numb sometimes i feel like im totally out of my body
by the time i was 11 i remember feeling like something was missing inside,all my grandparents had died in the few years and i felt the lowest i had ever been in my life, i still consider it my least favourite year i have lived, definitely not the worst but no doubt i hated almost every minute of it, everyone was always yelling and i felt so helpless,my dad was giving death threats and i thought he was going to kill us some day, he started acting weird, leaving porn open on the family laptop, treating me like a little kid, he started to touch me and hit me more, little did he know, this time it didn't hurt, i conditioned myself to handle it.shortly after my parents split up and got
divorced, my world got flipped upside down, but it didn't bother me, it was way better then ever before, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, i haven't spoken with my dad since.
by the time i was 13 i blocked out most of my childhood, if someone asked i couldn't tell them why my parents got divorced let alone what my father looked like, i always felt on guard, i went to a therapist and broke down crying the first session, i was so scared i would need to tell her why i was the way i was, i never told her anything about myself because i thought she might put the pieces together, she never did .i felt like i was being watched and would panic when people looked at me, i would get mild panic attacks and the thoughts of earlier in my life are taking over inside my head, as i got older it bothered me more and more but i still kept the secret i promised 10 years before,life went on and everything looked good from the outside, but my mind was killing me, i didn't enjoy doing anything, i felt empty inside, worthless, guilty and a shame to my family and everyone around me. i couldn't handle it an more, and became really suicidal, it was all i ever thought about, that i deserved to die, no one wants someone like me in society. i just turned 14, it was October 23 when i attempted suicide, not to go into details but i tried to drown myself in the lake behind our house using a rope and a large brick, i failed, thankfully no one ever found out.
that whole year was pretty much a blur,i know i have been suicidal 4 other times since then, but didn't attempt anything.by the time i am 15 and 16 i was having some pretty severe panic attacks, and getting flashbacks of the assault when i was 3, reliving it, everyday, its all i can think about. i feel detached from myself and lesser then average to other people,like i don't deserve a good life and that i don't have a future,i don't expect to live long but i am no longer considering taking my own life
my mind attacks me and my heart starts racing and it feels like i am being choked i can see half real life half reliving what happened to me when i was 3, its like a fight for my life but its all on the inside, i feel full of rage when its happening but always stay as far away from everyone as i can, locking myself in a public washroom or in my room,unless i get distracted it lasts for a long time, the only way i can make it stop seems to make more physical pain then mental pain, bruising myself turns into hair pulling, which lead to cutting my leg with a knife,which i stopped after it got so bad it was hard to walk properly without having a limp.

today looking back on everything i really messed my life up,if i where to have said something the day it happened would i have led a happy life?, its a question i ask myself alot, too a point i am glad i did what i did, its any parents nightmare for something to happen to they're kid,but i don't think i could get any more alone in this then i already am.
the flashbacks have never been worse, i can't concentrate most of the time because i am literally haunted by my past, i have absolutely no sell esteem or confidence, i just act like i do so i don't look like an idiot,my hands shake half the time when i am talking with people. my instincts feel broken, someone looks at me for two seconds and i immediately feel like i am about to be attacked, i have a really hard time trusting anyone.some days i still feel detached from myself. i can't focus everything reminds me of what happens, kids with bruises and cuts,anyone arguing or fighting,anything in a sexual manner,people lacking clothing, anyone who touches my throat, anyone who looks me right in the eyes,being around people who are mentally unstable, certain movies, certain songs
getting through a day without any of those seems to be non-existent theses days, getting older everyone expects you to be mature enough to hear about all that stuff, they have no idea the pain it causes inside me.no matter how hard i try i can't live in the present, i sometimes find myself staring at a blank wall for hours, i feel like theres a glass wall between me and the world.
is there a diagnosis for this? what can i do to improve myself so i can be more normal?

[Frankbtl]

Hi pompeii, I'm really sorry for everything that has gone of for you but you have to know that none of it was your fault, none of it says you deserved that in any way, none of it says that you are anything less than special, none of it means that there is anything wrong/bad about you, none of it means that you should have to bear this alone.
And you cannot blame yourself for "messing your life up" by not telling!! There will be so many people who have gone through similar things who weren't able to tell either. It can be so much easier to think that now than to do it at the time/anytime!! Rationality can go completely "out of the window" when you're left with coping with the experience/s of something so wrong/so traumatic.
But I do have to really commend you on speaking out about it now/on here!! Total respect!!
And your life doesn't have to remain "messed up", now you've found a "voice", now you can get understanding/help/support with what has gone on for you, now you can start moving forward a bit more, now you can look towards having a "future".
You're not alone, there will be a lot of people who will really understand how your past has effected you and who can support you with that.
So I'd say that the most important thing is for you to reach out and get that help, whether it's through using a crisis/hotline, through sharing with other people with similar experiences, through your doctor, through another therapist........just keep on talking. You so deserve help with what you've been through/with what you're going through. You really do!!
Alison

[pompeii]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi pompeii, I'm really sorry for everything that has gone of for you but you have to know that none of it was your fault, none of it says you deserved that in any way, none of it says that you are anything less than special, none of it means that there is anything wrong/bad about you, none of it means that you should have to bear this alone.
And you cannot blame yourself for "messing your life up" by not telling!! There will be so many people who have gone through similar things who weren't able to tell either. It can be so much easier to think that now than to do it at the time/anytime!! Rationality can go completely "out of the window" when you're left with coping with the experience/s of something so wrong/so traumatic.
But I do have to really commend you on speaking out about it now/on here!! Total respect!!
And your life doesn't have to remain "messed up", now you've found a "voice", now you can get understanding/help/support with what has gone on for you, now you can start moving forward a bit more, now you can look towards having a "future".
You're not alone, there will be a lot of people who will really understand how your past has effected you and who can support you with that.
So I'd say that the most important thing is for you to reach out and get that help, whether it's through using a crisis/hotline, through sharing with other people with similar experiences, through your doctor, through another therapist........just keep on talking. You so deserve help with what you've been through/with what you're going through. You really do!!
Alison

thank you, it took me ten minutes to read this because i couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes.i appreciate everything you said,at the moment i don't have any time or money to get that kind of help, i actually have done the helpline thing before, but it didn't go well, the lady was nice but she didn't have anything new to say, she was just concerned about the cutting, and that i might do it again, it left me feeling ashamed of myself. i don't know what i want people to say,its like im waiting for a miracle to heal a broken bone, its like nothing will help

[Frankbtl]

Hi pompeii, I am sorry you didn't get the response you needed from the helpline. I'm guessing that the woman left you feeling like you were doing something "bad" to yourself on top of the feeling that you already had, that something bad had already happened to you/was happening for you.
I'd say that she was trying to check that you weren't in any immediate danger and assessing the risk level of you harming yourself (and perhaps went a little "overboard" on that?).
But really well done on reaching out for that help, that would have been a massive step for you, right? And it must have taken so much strength for you to do that!!
Never (!!) feel/ashamed bad about having tried to reach out/reaching out for help, regardless of the response you get, you deserve empathy, you deserve support, you deserve someone to be there for you in it all.
You are right though, sometimes there isn't anything specific someone can say to make things "better", and it can take a lot of time to work through things and find a better way forward. But to begin with it can help to know that someone understands, that someone cares, that you're not on your own, that someone else is there to "share that load" as far as they can and sometimes to give you that faith/hope that you can recover/survive/be you in time.
[Will attach some more helpline/contacts at the bottom of this for you to try].
And you know you shouldn't have to carry the burden of what's happened to you in this way (A lot easier said than done I know, but.......). You did nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all!! It's the people who "mistreated" you who should, by rights, carry that shame/distance from others/pain they caused, not you.
And you really need to believe that you are so much better than/more than what happened to you. It doesn't have to define you, it's taken enough away from you already, why should it/they be allowed to keep on taking?? It/they shouldn't!!
And all the help you can get with that.........You didn't cause any of what's been going on for you, they did.......now it's time to start, bit by bit, reclaiming the life that's rightfully yours/the life you want with support.
It might not be easy, it might be a long road, but the first step can sometimes be the hardest to take, and you've taken that (!!) just by sharing what happened and where you're at right now!! Keep talking, keep sharing, things can get better, you deserve that!!



Alison

Some links to try:
Contact Crisis Hotline | From Breaking Point to Turning Point
Contact USA * Someone to listen, someone to care.
https://www.imalive.org/
Mental Health Hotline Numbers and Referral Resources - HealthyPlace

[nicoleflynn]

Finding a good therapist could be very helpful. Hugs

[pompeii]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi pompeii, I am sorry you didn't get the response you needed from the helpline. I'm guessing that the woman left you feeling like you were doing something "bad" to yourself on top of the feeling that you already had, that something bad had already happened to you/was happening for you.
I'd say that she was trying to check that you weren't in any immediate danger and assessing the risk level of you harming yourself (and perhaps went a little "overboard" on that?).
But really well done on reaching out for that help, that would have been a massive step for you, right? And it must have taken so much strength for you to do that!!
Never (!!) feel/ashamed bad about having tried to reach out/reaching out for help, regardless of the response you get, you deserve empathy, you deserve support, you deserve someone to be there for you in it all.
You are right though, sometimes there isn't anything specific someone can say to make things "better", and it can take a lot of time to work through things and find a better way forward. But to begin with it can help to know that someone understands, that someone cares, that you're not on your own, that someone else is there to "share that load" as far as they can and sometimes to give you that faith/hope that you can recover/survive/be you in time.
[Will attach some more helpline/contacts at the bottom of this for you to try].
And you know you shouldn't have to carry the burden of what's happened to you in this way (A lot easier said than done I know, but.......). You did nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all!! It's the people who "mistreated" you who should, by rights, carry that shame/distance from others/pain they caused, not you.
And you really need to believe that you are so much better than/more than what happened to you. It doesn't have to define you, it's taken enough away from you already, why should it/they be allowed to keep on taking?? It/they shouldn't!!
And all the help you can get with that.........You didn't cause any of what's been going on for you, they did.......now it's time to start, bit by bit, reclaiming the life that's rightfully yours/the life you want with support.
It might not be easy, it might be a long road, but the first step can sometimes be the hardest to take, and you've taken that (!!) just by sharing what happened and where you're at right now!! Keep talking, keep sharing, things can get better, you deserve that!!



Alison

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i totally understand what your saying, but i never like talking to people about it,because i don't want the stigma of it all, it would go from me being one of the best students in class and an extremely hard worker to the one who was raped. i have a strong attitude of no complaining/ no gossip, and so do the ones around me. i don't want to burden others with my stories, other people worry about their own stuff to much to hear about someone else's problems,

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Finding a good therapist could be very helpful. Hugs

I agree here. Being born with a cleft lip, or like in my case cleft lip and palate, is no reason to feel deserving of abuses of any kind. Sorry, you've been through this. A good therapist can help you overcome any shame you feel surrounding abuse. I get not having spoken up, to your family, you were too young to have expressive abilities.


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Lacy Rose]

Oh Dear One! I'm sorry for what you've had to endure! You certainly aren't alone though. Many of us have had similar horrific experiences. We are not responsible for the abuse. You are not responsible for the abuse. The shame and the fault is squarely on their shoulders, not ours. Are you in school still? Can you talk with a guidance counselor in school? Or your family doctor? It really does help to talk with someone and I have found therapy to be very helpful for me. I was abused quite horribly for 33 years of my life. Physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual... abuse of all types. There is healing for your pain. You are taking the first steps now by reaching out here and telling your history (I don't like saying "telling your story" story sounds like something made up, you are telling the truth of your life, therefore, your history). I applaud you for your strength! Keep going!!! The others who have responded have also given good advice and great links. Follow up on them. Remember, you are not at fault, you've been hurt enough! Please don't punish yourself further, please don't hurt yourself more! Find the help and support you need to heal.

[Frankbtl]

Hi pompeii, I really wouldn't call talking out about what happened to you complaining or gossip, and neither should you!!. You have a right to say "This happened......it shouldn't have happened, and I'm hurting". And you have the right to have some sort of understanding/support with that.
And no-one has the right to think any the less of you for what you've been through. If they do that's their problem, not yours!!
Sure other people are going to have their own stuff to worry about, but that needn't at all stop them from caring, stop them from offering you support, stop them from being there for you. I mean something about you tells me that if someone came up to you really upset about something, you wouldn't just turn your back on them, ignore them, brush them off, walk away, right?? You'd at least make a bit of an effort, right? Even with what you've been through, so.......................
And helping/supporting you might even help others get their problems a bit more in perspective too you know, or give them the freedom to talk out about things that have happened to them which they've been scared to talk about. Having you speak out might give them as much strength as the support you should get will give you.
But for now............if it's more comfortable right now maybe share with a crisis line, or a school guidance counselor if you have one (remember they will be bound by confidentiality guidelines!) or/and us.
Here for you



Alison

[Stronger]

(((((Pompeii))))) <- those are hugs

Words cannot describe the pain in my heart that I feel for you. My heart breaks for you. And don't you feel bad about the feelings I'm having for you, mija. These are feelings of genuine caring and love.
First of all, I want to tell you how incredibly proud of you I am!!! The first time I ever opened up about my past childhood sexual abuse was on here. It sure was not easy at ALL. And because I was able to open up about it on here, that led to having enough courage to tell my counselor, which, was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. So please please please know that you are NOT alone in this, my dear. There are so many people who have gone through similar experiences and want to help you through (myself included, of course).

Yes, there is a diagnosis. You may have heard of it, it's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And the symptoms you are having, being triggered by people talking about things or people touching your throat, that is called hypervigilance. I get that a lot too. When any guy touches me for too long, or if a creepy guy touches me in some way, my skin crawls and I want to go 'hide in a safe place'. And the restroom is my best friend many times during the day, because it's the only place i can really go to be alone. Especially in a place that is super public. I completely understand that.

But you have to know, talking about it is the only way you can heal. You cannot heal from this if you do not open up about it. I know that from firsthand experience. Just like you, I thought that if I ignored it, or tried to forget about it, that it would all just go away. Don't tell the whole world, but do tell someone you trust. It won't be easy, but it is worth it. I promise, because I was in that exact place just a few months ago.
There is healing. There is. I promise you. It may take a very long time, but that doesn't mean it's not there. You can do this my dear, you can do this. I know that deep down inside of you there is a little girl who is asking for healing from the wounds (my younger self asks me that all the time. Sometimes she still cries and tells me she's not good enough for anything or anyone. But at times, she also encourages me, telling me that even though it's more than difficult, that I need to keep working through my past).

I know that deep down inside of you, you do have the strength to open up about it. Because you already have!! And that is no easy thing to do!! That takes a certain kind of strength. A certain kind of strength that you have!
Think about those last few sentences for a minute.

Mija, I am here for you. Always. Always always always.
I care.

[pompeii]

Originally Posted by Lacy Rose

Oh Dear One! I'm sorry for what you've had to endure! You certainly aren't alone though. Many of us have had similar horrific experiences. We are not responsible for the abuse. You are not responsible for the abuse. The shame and the fault is squarely on their shoulders, not ours. Are you in school still? Can you talk with a guidance counselor in school? Or your family doctor? It really does help to talk with someone and I have found therapy to be very helpful for me. I was abused quite horribly for 33 years of my life. Physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual... abuse of all types. There is healing for your pain. You are taking the first steps now by reaching out here and telling your history (I don't like saying "telling your story" story sounds like something made up, you are telling the truth of your life, therefore, your history). I applaud you for your strength! Keep going!!! The others who have responded have also given good advice and great links. Follow up on them. Remember, you are not at fault, you've been hurt enough! Please don't punish yourself further, please don't hurt yourself more! Find the help and support you need to heal.

no i don't go to school, and i don't feel comfortably with my doctor. i am no longer self harming, last time i almost bled out and i had a welt on my led i could stick a pencil in.so gross,i think i did it because it stops panic attacks, causing more physical pain then mental, now i am trying to be more excepting of them rather then forcing them to stop

[pompeii]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi pompeii, I really wouldn't call talking out about what happened to you complaining or gossip, and neither should you!!. You have a right to say "This happened......it shouldn't have happened, and I'm hurting". And you have the right to have some sort of understanding/support with that.
And no-one has the right to think any the less of you for what you've been through. If they do that's their problem, not yours!!
Sure other people are going to have their own stuff to worry about, but that needn't at all stop them from caring, stop them from offering you support, stop them from being there for you. I mean something about you tells me that if someone came up to you really upset about something, you wouldn't just turn your back on them, ignore them, brush them off, walk away, right?? You'd at least make a bit of an effort, right? Even with what you've been through, so.......................
And helping/supporting you might even help others get their problems a bit more in perspective too you know, or give them the freedom to talk out about things that have happened to them which they've been scared to talk about. Having you speak out might give them as much strength as the support you should get will give you.
But for now............if it's more comfortable right now maybe share with a crisis line, or a school guidance counsellor if you have one (remember they will be bound by confidentiality guidelines!) or/and us.
Here for you



Alison

what you said actually really helps, if i did have someone i could talk to, how could i ever start a conversation like that, people have told me im emotionless, not in a bad way but no matter what i am in a neutral mood

[Frankbtl]

Hi pompeii, if people have told you that you seem emotionless there's a maybe there's a chance that's because you've felt that that's the appearance that was expected of you, that's the "face" you've felt you've needed to put on or because you were afraid that if you let the barriers down.....? Well you're human, so let's break that "myth" going on just a little to start with, hey?
If there are people around you who may be able to understand just a little you don't have to come right out there and tell them everything just like that. I'm sure that would seem so hard to do. You can lead up to telling them things in conversations to get more comfortable in talking to/and trusting them. Perhaps put somewhere into some conversations something's like "Yes, I haven't had the best time growing up, I kind of prefer not to talk about it, but it wasn't easy, and.......(lead on to something else)", "You know I can relate to people who have a hard time getting by socially (??) I struggle with that myself sometimes, but it helps if..........", "You know, I'd like to be feeling that way too, it's just that my past does kind of get in the way at times". And when you're ready you can go into more detail with them if you feel able to.
Then if there are people really close you can always say something like "Look I've been finding it really hard dealing with some of the things that have happened to me in the past, it would help talking about them if you could just spare some time to listen, I'm not looking for answers, just to talk a bit......"? and see where things go from there.
Just try to talk and let things out in your own time, at your own pace, in your own way. You do have control in exactly how you want to talk about things. Don't feel pressurized in any way. It's your "story". Even rehearse what you want to say beforehand so as you're not feeling like you're thrown in "too deep", too soon.
As for things that effect you on a day-to-day basis though I'd see nothing wrong in just coming out and saying things like "Look I feel really uncomfortable with you doing/saying things like that, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't".
And just remember that although people around you may seem like they've got no real problems there may be things some of them aren't talking about. They may be more understanding than first meets the eye if you can start talking to them on a more "personal" level, and that needn't even be so much about yourself to begin with.
As for talking with helplines or professionals, well they are going to be trained to support you anyway, to help you talk, to support you while you're sharing what's gone on/going on for you. Just try not to be afraid, they're there to help. And they should see it just the same as we do, that it matters that you get the help/support you need to start making things a little better for yourself.
And if you want to talk more..........right here...........



Alison

[AmysJourney]

Pompeii, you have been so brave to tell your story here! Thank you so much. Everything that has been said here is true. It is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.
But I can tell you from my own experience, that just hearing this sometimes doesn't help at all and I understand that. Having experience with Helplines as a caller or a volunteer I myself become frustrated with them really.
Reaching out to someone and hearing the standard: "It's not your fault" "You have don nothing wrong" "I am so sorry that happened to you" "What can you do to make yourself feel better?" can be utterly frustrating! Volunteers are trained to respond like this to make the caller feel safe and heard. But gosh, sometimes it made me want to scream when I was listening to someone pouring her heart out and I knew exactly what would have been good for her to hear and I couldn't say it because I wasn't allowed and instead I said something like: "That must be been scary." And that just wasn't enough. And I knew that because none of these things helped me, when I was finally ready to tell my story.
So I can understand that you didn't find the Helplines very helpful.

I always remember the end of the movie Good Will Hunting, where the therapist hugs the client and keeps him firm in his arms while repeating over and over: It's not your fault. It takes him many times to say it and it takes the client many times to hear it before it sinks in. And I also believe it was that very close connection, the hug, that made these words stronger and more significant.
I learnt to really believe that what happened to me was not my fault and nothing I have to be ashamed of, when someone held my hand firmly and didn't let go until broke down in tears, finally releasing this awful feeling of guilt and shame. It needs compassion, love, encouragement.

My story started at a very young age too (age 5). I was raped almost every night for many years, beaten and starved. And I had all the same feelings that you described, shame, fear, disgust, embarrassment, A LOT of pain. I can feel with you so much because I know exactly how much it must have hurt. And I am so very sorry you had to experience all that.

And I can very much relate that you look back and think what would have happened if you had spoken up.. The truth of this is that you were a small child. You were confused, hurt, violated. There are so many reasons why you couldn't have spoken up.

When I was little my father broke a lot of my bones, cut me, burnt me. Every time he told me what I needed to tell the doctors at the hospital, I swore to myself that this time I will tell them the truth. But I never did. Then I hoped that if I tell the lie my father told me to say with tears in my eyes, maybe they would see themselves. They didn't. There were probably a dozen of times when I could have told someone who might have been able to save me, but I never did. The first time I ever spoke up, I ever told my story was when I was already an adult. And I had to learn that all the "what if's" made my story even harder to bear so I turned them into "What now's"

I think you made an awesome step by sharing your story here, speaking up and making yourself heard. You may be stronger than you think and there is support here and love and care. Your story will not be forgotten!

And I do know that there is hope, dear Pompeii. I know it's hard to believe, but it is there. What helped me was to always reach out for something better, telling myself over and over again that I can do whatever I want and that my past does not get to decide my future.

I hope for you that you will find this for you too some day. Please be gentle with yourself because you are very precious.

With love and care,
Amelia

[pompeii]

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

Pompeii, you have been so brave to tell your story here! Thank you so much. Everything that has been said here is true. It is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.
But I can tell you from my own experience, that just hearing this sometimes doesn't help at all and I understand that. Having experience with Helplines as a caller or a volunteer I myself become frustrated with them really.
Reaching out to someone and hearing the standard: "It's not your fault" "You have don nothing wrong" "I am so sorry that happened to you" "What can you do to make yourself feel better?" can be utterly frustrating! Volunteers are trained to respond like this to make the caller feel safe and heard. But gosh, sometimes it made me want to scream when I was listening to someone pouring her heart out and I knew exactly what would have been good for her to hear and I couldn't say it because I wasn't allowed and instead I said something like: "That must be been scary." And that just wasn't enough. And I knew that because none of these things helped me, when I was finally ready to tell my story.
So I can understand that you didn't find the Helplines very helpful.

I always remember the end of the movie Good Will Hunting, where the therapist hugs the client and keeps him firm in his arms while repeating over and over: It's not your fault. It takes him many times to say it and it takes the client many times to hear it before it sinks in. And I also believe it was that very close connection, the hug, that made these words stronger and more significant.
I learnt to really believe that what happened to me was not my fault and nothing I have to be ashamed of, when someone held my hand firmly and didn't let go until broke down in tears, finally releasing this awful feeling of guilt and shame. It needs compassion, love, encouragement.

My story started at a very young age too (age 5). I was raped almost every night for many years, beaten and starved. And I had all the same feelings that you described, shame, fear, disgust, embarrassment, A LOT of pain. I can feel with you so much because I know exactly how much it must have hurt. And I am so very sorry you had to experience all that.

And I can very much relate that you look back and think what would have happened if you had spoken up.. The truth of this is that you were a small child. You were confused, hurt, violated. There are so many reasons why you couldn't have spoken up.

When I was little my father broke a lot of my bones, cut me, burnt me. Every time he told me what I needed to tell the doctors at the hospital, I swore to myself that this time I will tell them the truth. But I never did. Then I hoped that if I tell the lie my father told me to say with tears in my eyes, maybe they would see themselves. They didn't. There were probably a dozen of times when I could have told someone who might have been able to save me, but I never did. The first time I ever spoke up, I ever told my story was when I was already an adult. And I had to learn that all the "what if's" made my story even harder to bear so I turned them into "What now's"

I think you made an awesome step by sharing your story here, speaking up and making yourself heard. You may be stronger than you think and there is support here and love and care. Your story will not be forgotten!

And I do know that there is hope, dear Pompeii. I know it's hard to believe, but it is there. What helped me was to always reach out for something better, telling myself over and over again that I can do whatever I want and that my past does not get to decide my future.

I hope for you that you will find this for you too some day. Please be gentle with yourself because you are very precious.

With love and care,
Amelia

what got you through your teen years?the problem i have is i have no friends, i have acted so shy because i have been so scared of other people since i can remember, i live and work full time with my mother(god bless her) who i love with everything in me, but is vary protective of me, Passive-aggressive towards everyone around her, and overall the drama/ gossiper of the house,i am not like that at all, so i have a hard time relating. i don't really have anywhere to turn to, i know its not permanent but it feels so unbelievably tough to make it to the end of the day. i cry almost everytime i'm alone, and never when people are around. i sometimes wish i had someone who's got my back,
ps- the last few weeks are the longest i have gone in years without harming myself, i don't feel any better but the good news is that i don't feel any worse either.i'll do my best not to do anything next time i have a panic attact, and see how fast it will go away on its own.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by pompeii

what got you through your teen years?the problem i have is i have no friends, i have acted so shy because i have been so scared of other people since i can remember, i live and work full time with my mother(god bless her) who i love with everything in me, but is vary protective of me, Passive-aggressive towards everyone around her, and overall the drama/ gossiper of the house,i am not like that at all, so i have a hard time relating. i don't really have anywhere to turn to, i know its not permanent but it feels so unbelievably tough to make it to the end of the day. i cry almost everytime i'm alone, and never when people are around. i sometimes wish i had someone who's got my back,
ps- the last few weeks are the longest i have gone in years without harming myself, i don't feel any better but the good news is that i don't feel any worse either.i'll do my best not to do anything next time i have a panic attact, and see how fast it will go away on its own.

Hm, what got me through my teen years?
I had to look after my siblings a lot so I didn't have much time for anything. But any time I found for myself, I spend doing what I really liked. I was part of a choir (my parents didn't know), I wrote for the school newspaper, I went to the cinema, went for walks, met up with friends. I learned how to play the guitar which was fun. I didn't have many friends, two to be exact. I used to hang out with adults more than kids my age, because I was always looking for a parent-substitute. Most of all I spend my teen years fantasizing about what my adult life would be like when I was finally going to be free.
To be honest, looking back now I don't know what finally got me through, but one day my chance was there to leave and I did. And from then on I took my life into my hands and did all the cool things I always wanted to do.

Therapy helped me a lot but also learning how to open up to people and claim what made me happy. It sounds easier said than done, but somehow it worked..

Amelia

[Harley47]

I'm unable to address a lot of what you said, unfortunately...I wish I knew what to say. There is one thing though I would like to make abundantly clear.

There is absolutely and without question no blame to be had on you. You did nothing wrong. You handled this in the best way you knew how, which is all anyone can ask of you. So please...don't feel as though you have done anything to feel guilty over (you mentioned that a few times). You didn't. You're not the one to blame in any of this.

I do so wish I could offer more...I wish I knew what to say to take the pain away, but if those words exist, they aren't known to me. But you did mention guilt when you were younger and "what if" musings now. With all my heart, I can assure you there's no need for that.

If I can do anything for you or if you would just like someone to talk to, do feel free to PM me.

My best and hugs,
Harley