[splitter]

Two years after a break-up, I still feel the consequences.
Sure, I have troubles of my own, that got me in a relationship like that in the first place. But I can't relax. I see threats everywhere. Not only am I generally ****ed-up about the opposite sex, I seem to attract only that type of men. Even when I meet somebody i might think is normal, turns out not to be. And it's not just me projecting things, I am very aware when I do that (and luckily, I have pretty good friends who tell me when I'm being paranoid ), somehow the bastard's plots and doings get to me via third persons.

It's like I have this obsessive need (or want) for people knowing what he really is. And yeah, I can't just go around and tell people. They wouldn't believe me anyway, probably. On rare occasions, I meet people who turn out to be his acquaintances, and usually I just stop communicating. But it bugs me. And very recently, I told someone the truth. A very shortened one, but still, the truth. Didn't go that very well.

It's very painful for me to watch people liking him. I know, I shouldn't care. And I don't care about him, not anymore, for a long time now. But a part of me wants him to be alone and miserable.

Stuff he did to me...it's unforgivable. Will I ever be able to really move on? Not in a sense of letting go the relationship, but to finally get over the trauma itself. I can't trust anyone. I don't trust anyone. I have one really close male friend who's been with me through all the crap and I think he's the only male person I ever really trusted.

[ScaryFrita]

It takes time and healing and, sometimes, realizing that it's done and the only thing to do next is move on, but it DOES and CAN get better. Depending all on YOU. Many people hang onto things that they shouldn't (I've been guilty of this, as well!!) and now I realize that what's done is done, nothing can change except for me and my perspective. Of course I take extra precautions to guard myself against similar circumstances, and I have ended relationships with family members that made everything worse, but it's all for the good of finding happiness.

In the long run, he'll get what he deserves. People will realize what kind of person he is. And hopefully you will be able to take a day at a time and enjoy them as they come.

I always thought my paranoia was a bad thing -- but it's also good in that I'm less likely to experience similar things again. Call it a security blanket. It seems to work for me, so I'll admit to being paranoid and actually enjoy it!!

[Sannah]

Any chance you can get a therapist to help you work through this?

[splitter]

Originally Posted by novvita

It takes time and healing and, sometimes, realizing that it's done and the only thing to do next is move on, but it DOES and CAN get better.

I hope so.

In the long run, he'll get what he deserves. People will realize what kind of person he is. And hopefully you will be able to take a day at a time and enjoy them as they come.

I am not so sure about that. I am not religious, nor do I believe in Karma. I think things are completely random. And in that light, there's very little chance he'll really get anything.

I always thought my paranoia was a bad thing -- but it's also good in that I'm less likely to experience similar things again. Call it a security blanket. It seems to work for me, so I'll admit to being paranoid and actually enjoy it!!

Well, it can be.
For me, it goes like this, usually.
I get paranoid about someone, and then I remember that I am prone to projections and paranoia, and think to myself I should give them a chance. What I do is really neglecting my inner feeling, my "gut". Because I can't differentiate what is my own construction, and what isn't.
Usually the person isn't with good intentions, and I get ****ed over.

Either that, or I run and I don't even let relationship to happen.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Any chance you can get a therapist to help you work through this?

Not at the moment. I have no health insurance. And no money to pay for it. I found a great therapist, after a long long time of searching (and crappy ones). No job=no health insurance. No money=no health insurance.

That's one of the reasons I'm here. I am trying to do whatever I can to cope, by myself, until my circumstances change.

[Sannah]

Government therapy options?

[splitter]

Eh?

[Sannah]

?.........

[splitter]

I have no idea what you're talking about.
If by "government therapy" you mean therapy financed by government, it doesn't work that way in my country. If you don't have a job or a spouse, no "free" health insurance for you. You have to pay.

I'd appreciate if you would concentrate on more important things in my posts than eventual therapy which is not possible at the moment.

[Open Eyes]

(((splitter))),

When we experience or relate with a person who is a preditor and we end up suffering because of it, it is very normal to desire to expose the danger of this person to others who may also fall victim to the person.
And the statement, "I know I should not care" is what TOO many seem to think. And because of that, more people fall victim of these preditiors. So the fact that you "do" care is not unhealthy, you simply do not want others to continue to give this preditor power.

However, when we DO warn others we cannot control "how they respond" to this information we are providing. But what we do accomplish is that we have put a "question" in the other person's mind about this possible preditor. They may continue relating with this preditor and yet in a more careful way as to not be harmed themselves. It all depends on what kind of relationship a preditor has with others around him/her. And a preditor is usually very intelligent and can be very convincing in his/her ways of making others feel comfortable and even as if they are "gaining" special privilages while they are connected to or around the preditor.

Now, we just saw an example of that with the Sandusky case where he was finally seen for really being a preditor verses the "game" he was playing to conceal his real motives. Sandusky presented himself as someone who cared about children and parents felt they were lucky to have "their child" mentored by this man, even when their children expressed fear and lack of desire to be around this man.

The most you can do is alert others, however that will never guaruntee that others will, infact, believe you. And this kind of experience does happen to many people, so you are not alone in this experience. Unfortunately, these preditors ARE very smart and they DO know how to "decieve" very effectively. And often they gain a lot of popularity as well because they figure out "how" to make people feel that they are doing well by being connected to this preditor.

And the other thing that can be troubling is that these preditors often follow along with a guideline or rule where they even hide under and umbrella of an organization of somekind where they have their base for maintaining their "victims of choice". And even when something may be said to "these organizations" there is still nothing done to expose these preditors. This happens ALL THE TIME. It happens in schools, government, churches, sports of all kinds, the legal system itself, even doctors and dentists and police any place people gather in groups under some kind of unbrella of an organized group.

I am very sorry that you have been exposed to a preditor. It is always a very troubling experience and even more troubling when you try to speak up and it feels like no one is listening.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

"I seem to attract only that type of men"~quote splitter

This is something that you have to evaluate in more depth. Preditors are usually "very carasmatic" and they DO enjoy a challenge as well. Sometimes they prey on those that they feel "will not be believed" or are in some way "weak". So there are several preditors that choose children and young teens who may not have anyone who will really believe them or may be just too inexperienced to speak up. And ofcourse there are preditors that choose unsuspecting vulnerable women as well.

And sometimes preditors will choose someone who they feel is popular in some way, they actually enjoy being able to degrade this person and consider it an enjoyable battle of witts. Remember often preditors are very smart and their source of a sense of achievement is by dismantling someone who may be on to them or they consider an intellectual challenge of some kind.

You may have qualities about you that look inviting that you are not aware of. And you may have a victim mentality of somekind that they can see and pick to prey on.
And if you are attracted to carasmatic intelligent people? Then you have to learn how to better evaluate these people and also see how they gain popularity as well.

If you look back on your experience with this preditor, the signs of his real nature are there to see. And always remember, "if it looks or sounds too good to be true, chances are, it IS too good to be true".

People in general WANT to be accepted and be part of a group and that can make them feel worthy. However, preditors also know this too and they definitely utialize that aspect in people.

I think most people come across a least one preditor in their lives. And the end result has often been, an over all lack of trust in others.

The golden rule is that if we have just one or two people in our lives that we can call friends and really trust, we are lucky.

It is very common to be disappointed in other people that we begin to trust in our lives. It is a challenge to learn "how" to find people that we "can" trust. And sometimes we can think someone who is really genuine, as not being genuine as well.
The truth is that there are a lot of bad people in the world. So it can be a challenge to find people that we can connect with and really feel safe with them.

You are not alone in how you feel.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[splitter]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((splitter))),

Thank you for your elaborate response. Honestly, thank you.

When we experience or relate with a person who is a preditor and we end up suffering because of it, it is very normal to desire to expose the danger of this person to others who may also fall victim to the person.
And the statement, "I know I should not care" is what TOO many seem to think. And because of that, more people fall victim of these preditiors. So the fact that you "do" care is not unhealthy, you simply do not want others to continue to give this preditor power.

That's exactly what he is. A predator.
But, what concerns me the most, it isn't just me worrying about other people's well-being, it's my wish for him to be exposed for what he really is for MY need for justice. Because I feel I've been wronged. And I have been, in most horrible ways. Someone so close to you (as he was to me) should never treat you like a piece of crap, should not manipulate you, daily.

And when I get those urges I feel weak, as if I am giving in to my basic instincts, as if I am becoming...him (again). I don't want to be that person, I don't want to hate. But sometimes I think I really hate him. I didn't think so (or I wasn't aware of that) for a long, long time. But something happened, an unfortunate event, where his evil paws were, once again, all over my fragile psyche, and it has woken up the monster.

However, when we DO warn others we cannot control "how they respond" to this information we are providing. But what we do accomplish is that we have put a "question" in the other person's mind about this possible preditor. They may continue relating with this preditor and yet in a more careful way as to not be harmed themselves. It all depends on what kind of relationship a preditor has with others around him/her. And a preditor is usually very intelligent and can be very convincing in his/her ways of making others feel comfortable and even as if they are "gaining" special privilages while they are connected to or around the preditor.

This is exactly what happened. And it frustrates me to the point of boiling anger (and I am very anger-prone, especially when things are unjust). But I can't do ****. I'm not even sure I want to, in this particular situation.

The worst part of all this is that I became obsessive about "knowing". Tho I know I'll never know the whole story. I know what might have happened, but his peers are a closed group of not so nice people, and he is their "leader". Relatively normal people steer clear of him and his friends, usually.

This situation triggered a lot of things I've been subjected to during our relationship, things I let him do to me and those things I didn't want to see. I even blamed his friends for him becoming the person I was beginning to discover he is, only to discover it's not them. It's him.

Now, we just saw an example of that with the Sandusky case where he was finally seen for really being a preditor verses the "game" he was playing to conceal his real motives. Sandusky presented himself as someone who cared about children and parents felt they were lucky to have "their child" mentored by this man, even when their children expressed fear and lack of desire to be around this man.

I had to google that.

What scares me is how do they get unnoticed? Why don't people speak up? Sure, Sandusky got his punishment and public humiliation (which I do think is really important fot the victims of his crimes), but how many of those bastards don't get discovered? And if you tell people around you (not only your closest friends and family) you risk being called a crazy person, vindictive ex-girlfriend/friend/colleague and an attention-seeker.
There is still stigma on the victims, sadly.

The most you can do is alert others, however that will never guaruntee that others will, infact, believe you. And this kind of experience does happen to many people, so you are not alone in this experience. Unfortunately, these preditors ARE very smart and they DO know how to "decieve" very effectively. And often they gain a lot of popularity as well because they figure out "how" to make people feel that they are doing well by being connected to this preditor.

No, it doesn't. Some of my friends (that were not as close to me as those who were with me through it all, while it was happening) were very skeptical. Imagine the others who are not my friends. So I mostly stopped talking. But it happened that I kinda...liked somebody who was in a way connected to him( which I didn't know in the beginning). And there was no other way but telling the truth, tho I already knew what was about to happen. I wanted to be fair.

Ok, so the predator is a very well-spoken bastard with profound powers of deception. But what with those who know what he is and STILL decide to be in his surroundings, even if not as close to him as they might have been before they found out? WTF is wrong with those people? What is their gain in all that?

This happens ALL THE TIME. It happens in schools, government, churches, sports of all kinds, the legal system itself, even doctors and dentists and police any place people gather in groups under some kind of unbrella of an organized group.

How about a social group?

I am very sorry that you have been exposed to a preditor. It is always a very troubling experience and even more troubling when you try to speak up and it feels like no one is listening.

Thank you for your words and support. If it was someone else, and not me, I'd know exactly what to say and advise. Sadly, when it comes to my own emotions, processing and coping with them, it's a bit harder.

I'd want the whole world to know what a scumbag he is and what he's done to me and the other girls (yeah, there's others as well), but it's impossible. I guess I'm trying to find a way to handle that bitter truth.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

I am not big on hugging , and this is the first forum I've come towhere it's actually an option, but you definitely deserve one.

[splitter]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

"I seem to attract only that type of men"~quote splitter
This is something that you have to evaluate in more depth. Preditors are usually "very carasmatic" and they DO enjoy a challenge as well. Sometimes they prey on those that they feel "will not be believed" or are in some way "weak". So there are several preditors that choose children and young teens who may not have anyone who will really believe them or may be just too inexperienced to speak up. And ofcourse there are preditors that choose unsuspecting vulnerable women as well.

Well, all my relationships (long-term or not) had that "psycho" element. I was mostly the oppressed one. I have BPD and I am very low on self-esteem. I'm also pretty depressed at times and I've had a very rough childhood (physical and verbal abuse). I've had problems with substance abuse and self-harm in the past. Pretty much every symptom of BPD there is - I've had it.

I'm also very honest about all of that so I tell my partners who I am relatively early. I don't pretend I'm something I'm not. Guess that makes me perfect for their doings?

And sometimes preditors will choose someone who they feel is popular in some way, they actually enjoy being able to degrade this person and consider it an enjoyable battle of witts. Remember often preditors are very smart and their source of a sense of achievement is by dismantling someone who may be on to them or they consider an intellectual challenge of some kind.

I don't want to sound cocky, but this is what usually happens. In the beginning, it's all very bright and shiny, they're amazed with me, my intellect, my boldness and all the stuff they think I am, and then soon it goes down to the everlasting humiliation road. I become stupid, ignorant, not pretty enough, not wealthy enough, slutty, overly talkative, too drunk, too happy, to sad, too something, too...everything. And when they're done with me, when they've discovered my most intimate emotions, my most intimate fears, they just move on to the next.

The one I've opened this topic about has had a very weird obsession with my brother. He wanted to BE him. Of course, that wasn't possible, so he did what he think was the closest. He ****ed the only thing my brother can't. Me. (his words)

You may have qualities about you that look inviting that you are not aware of. And you may have a victim mentality of somekind that they can see and pick to prey on.
And if you are attracted to carasmatic intelligent people? Then you have to learn how to better evaluate these people and also see how they gain popularity as well.

My self-image is very unstable. One day I can be very very aware of my qualities, and on the same day in the afternoon I will be very depressed and will want to die. (I am not suicidal at the moment, just sometimes wish I didn't exist or feel like I actually don't)

Yes, I am almost exclusively attracted to charismatic, intelligent and witty people, very often with a weird sense of humour and feeling for the absurd. They are mostly a bit on the shy side, not alpha males, with many problems which I will, of course, solve. I will rescue them and we'll happily ride off in the sunset.

It's actually a bit more complicated than that, but I've come to the place where I can spot them early on, and then I just run. But it still freaks me out how every guy I get attracted to is similar to the previous one. Even if he has only some traits than those before him. The last one I liked seemed different, in many things. But it wasn't meant to be.

If you look back on your experience with this preditor, the signs of his real nature are there to see. And always remember, "if it looks or sounds too good to be true, chances are, it IS too good to be true".

If it looks like duck....
Oh, sure, there were indicators. I merrily ignored them. I was so focused in how to get them to like me, to need me and to love me, that I completely ignored the fact that there are parts that I don't like, don't need and most definitely, would NOT love about them.

People in general WANT to be accepted and be part of a group and that can make them feel worthy. However, preditors also know this too and they definitely utialize that aspect in people.

What about a person who makes people feel bad about themselves, at first, but then switches and turns "nice"? I've seen it happen and for the most part, it's pretty effective form of manipulation.

I think most people come across a least one preditor in their lives. And the end result has often been, an over all lack of trust in others.

I grew up with two of them. My father and my brother. So, I know why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's just very hard to stop. (and is nowhere NEAR justifying those I run across in the process)

The golden rule is that if we have just one or two people in our lives that we can call friends and really trust, we are lucky.

I know that, and even tho it's a common phrase, agree with it. But it still doesn't diminish the pain and hurt caused by others. Or the anger towards them. :/

It is very common to be disappointed in other people that we begin to trust in our lives. It is a challenge to learn "how" to find people that we "can" trust. And sometimes we can think someone who is really genuine, as not being genuine as well.
The truth is that there are a lot of bad people in the world. So it can be a challenge to find people that we can connect with and really feel safe with them.

Yes, I know. It's all true, [self-pity mode on] but some people are just prone (for various reasons) to meeting those that are insincere, sinister even.
And those people just get ****ed over, repeatedly. I am one of them. [self-pity mode off]

You are not alone in how you feel.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

"I grew up with two of them. My father and my brother. So, I know why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's just very hard to stop. (and is nowhere NEAR justifying those I run across in the process)"quote~splitter

(((splitter))),
This is what you know, what you grew to deal with in your environment. And because of this you feel most comfotable with this type of person, but this is a subconscious thing as well. Yes, part of you knows this and are attracted to it, and perhaps you keep trying to fix it too somehow.

We cannot "fix" these kind of people, they have WANT to fix themselves and actually see their own poor behaviors. And it is often a rarety this happens because often these people really don't see their faults.

BPD, I met someone here that had that disorder that seemed so nice but lost too so I asked my T about it. My T told me that most people who have BPD have suffered abuse as children and the result is BPD. Often they have a stima attached to them as being bad or not treatable, but my T tells me that they are very treatable. And some also have PTSD as well.

I have no doubt that you get extremely angry and you want justice for the person who, for all intense purposes, abused you. And yes, these people CAN have a tight knit group of people that they join together with as well. And often this group may not be welcomed by healther groups of people. Yes, sometimes they can be a draw for those that are curious or have some other issues where they are attracted by this "social group".

Oh I hear you about how many people are blind and will not see the truth. And this is actually a part of human nature, sadly.

Whatever you have come to "know" about yourself that sets you up with the wrong partners, can be changed. Really, you are not going to get in a healthy relationship with someone who is damaged emotionally or disfunctional in some way. Many women DO fall into that trap. Eh, partly because women ARE nurturing by nature. But what that presents in a relationship, is the woman ends up taking on more of a mother role. And that just isn't healthy, because if the partner does grow up, they do what so many do, want to take their new knowledge and venture out on their own.

It is much better to find someone without so much baggage. Forget the desire to "rescue" because it is fruitless and exhausting.

You would do well with a therapist that can help you with all of this. It sounds like you are making the same mistakes. It seems like you are expecting a different outcome, and that is not working for you. Time to learn your way past this psychological trap you are in.

Hey, we all tend to be drawn to what we know, even when it is not good for us. Often many do not see the reality of WHY they choose unhealthy mates.

Open Eyes

[pumpkin445]

Originally Posted by splitter

Two years after a break-up, I still feel the consequences.
Sure, I have troubles of my own, that got me in a relationship like that in the first place. But I can't relax. I see threats everywhere. Not only am I generally ****ed-up about the opposite sex, I seem to attract only that type of men. Even when I meet somebody i might think is normal, turns out not to be. And it's not just me projecting things, I am very aware when I do that (and luckily, I have pretty good friends who tell me when I'm being paranoid ), somehow the bastard's plots and doings get to me via third persons.

It's like I have this obsessive need (or want) for people knowing what he really is. And yeah, I can't just go around and tell people. They wouldn't believe me anyway, probably. On rare occasions, I meet people who turn out to be his acquaintances, and usually I just stop communicating. But it bugs me. And very recently, I told someone the truth. A very shortened one, but still, the truth. Didn't go that very well.

It's very painful for me to watch people liking him. I know, I shouldn't care. And I don't care about him, not anymore, for a long time now. But a part of me wants him to be alone and miserable.

Stuff he did to me...it's unforgivable. Will I ever be able to really move on? Not in a sense of letting go the relationship, but to finally get over the trauma itself. I can't trust anyone. I don't trust anyone. I have one really close male friend who's been with me through all the crap and I think he's the only male person I ever really trusted.

Hi,

I completely understand what you are going through, I just got out of a similar situation and it is absolutely shocking and scary to feel like you are so alone when he has the intellect to rally all to his side before he strikes. It is the most evil thing since it isn't a crime he can be arrested for.

This is a good place for us all to chat and commiserate and yes even your own friends and family will not fully understand because you are the one that dealt with him in the most intimate setting. I am so sorry I feel your pain, I am in the same pain right now, I wish all his powers to do any of this will be taken away from him forever!!

[pumpkin445]

What you are saying is so true, having been brought up in a dysfunctional family, I have been too untrusting and so after some therapy I started to try to be very positive and trusting and it has worked out fine until three years ago I met my predator who just shocking broke up with me with all the classic traits and acts psychopaths do ... it is terrifying and painful.

It true both extremes of too trusting and too non trusting are bad. I would have to agree we ought to stay away from charming and intelligent people. They are dangerous, this man I was with omg I just cant believe how ALL the things about him in hindsight points to psychopath! I have to remind myself I am lucky that he broke up with me once he found the next victim instead of me having to do it myself, and that is if i ever snap out of the spell myself!!!

Yet it is still very painful, we have to suffer in silence since they are very very skilled at hiding who they are!!! I am so glad I am able to at least vent here!