Trying again. (very graphic and triggering)

I have posted my story before, but I had it deleted, but I want to start again... I need to let this monster inside me breath... I am bottling up to many past hurts and it needs to come out!

So I'll start again... This is very triggering and might be graphic...

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I was 6 or 7 years old the day hell signed me up... My cousin, who was close to 30 then, lived with us in the house, and he would babysit us whenever my mom and dad went out... which was a lot. They lived a life of fame and parties and I was too young to go...

I remember my one particular day, i thought about it this morning when i looked in the mirror and saw the scar under my left eye... I was in the swimming pool untill late and he said i must come in and get dressed for dinner. I went to my room and the thing that i wanted to wear was high in my closet, so I climbed and reached and struggled to get to it... and i fell down, very hard on the floor and hit my head against something... I screamed, he heard it and came running. By that time I was not wearing my bathing suit anymore.... I took it off as soon as i reached my room. He held me and tried to comfort me....

He asked me where I hurt... and I wasn't aware of specific pain... I was hurting all over... and he started to touch my arm and ask if it hurts... and then my legs... and then... Suddenly his hands were all over me, and I felt so exposed... and so confused... He took his clothes of and made me touch him, while he was touching me... and all the while he just said it will make me feel better... He forced my legs so far apart that I think I dislocated my hip... all I know is it hurt... so much... He convinced me to put it in my mouth... and it spilled all over my face.... It was so horrible... The fear of that day is still with me, so close, so real, so threatening. I want to throw up when i think of him........ I'm going to take a break for now... I will continue soon.

((((((((((justapixie))))))))))

Pixie, I can't tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. I can't imagine the pain that you carried all of these years. I sit here and try to think of some words to comfort you and for once in my life I can't think of a single one. Nothing that I can say will make your pain go away. All that I can do is offer my friendship and let you know that you are loved. No child should ever have to go through that. I wish I could take the pain from you, if just for 1 day. There was a question on the question forum that said, "What would it take for you to say It's a wonderful life." My response was, "An act of God, Literally." Now I reailze how small my problem really is. Wish I could Hug you in real life, just once, to let you know how much I care. You know where to find me if you need to talk. MANY HUGS, Cajun

I can feel your pain, every second by second of it.... I wish I could eradicate it... For if I could do it for you, I could do it for me.... And then we would be finally free...

There are no words of comfort that I can give you, for the pain is so very great...

I have so wanted post a letter to "my pedophile" on this site but I know that it would be deleted. by calling him "my peopdifile", it denotes owner ship. One of which I do not want.

Thank you for taking the courage that I do not have...

I so wish, I could use a mirror and reflect all the pain back on the person that did this to you, so that he may feel the pain instead of yourself.

Sincerely,
freewill

Thank you for the support irishsj, sometimes a hug means so much more than words... Cajun, there are rarely words for these situations... like all here would know, I am just writing this to get it out... no words are needed. And you can never compare your own problems to someone elses, because your own problems will always remain the worst, and that´s how it should be... We all struggle in life... that´s life, as i have come to know... Freewill, I am so sorry that you too have to know this pain... I wish this upon no one....

Too continue....

I honestly have no idea how many times it happened, but I know it did happen again... this is the only time I can remember clearly, the other times are just glimpses and flashes that don't make a lot of sense...

When I turned 12, he committed suicide... and I still don't know how i feel about that... I do feel sorry for him, life must not have been easy, but I also have this extreme rage towards him for what he did...

High school came and i was lost in the world. I left all my friends, they just didn't understand, and I made new friends... with people who would understand me... and i became one of the 'weirdo´s' in school... I rebelled against everything... and finally, I met a guy who turned my world upside down. He was a lot older, early twenties, and I was 16... but I was madly in love... As I spent more time with him, I came to realise some strange things were going on... One day he asked me if I wanted to join their s*tanist group... is their a better way to rebel? So I went to what they call the induction...

I arrived at his house on a saturday afternoon... and I was drugged. For long I did not want to face the reality of that night and pushed it far back in my mind... I was torured, ridiculed and r*ped by thirteen men... in ways that is much more than just r*ped... It was the longest night of my life... early the next morning it ended... I thought... The guy I was dating was the high priest of the group... and he took me aside after that....

Threats and fear kept me from ever opening my mouth... I just tried to make a go of life again... they did not leave me alone... One of the men broke into my house to find me... and he did find me.... Every year they send me a special 'anniversary' gift... the worst was when they sent me some of the clothes I was wearing that night....

I started using drugs more often, to numb it all... Life just got so out of hand...

Last year, I had a brush with the law... or the law brushed me... I was arrested by two officers, but they didn't take me to any station.... Too late I noticed another officer sitting in the car that looked familiar...

This was IMO the event that brought it all back... I had done a good job of hiding my past, not just what happened to me, but also the things that I did which I am very ashamed of... But this was the catalist to my insanity...

Two years ago I was a youth minister and I got scorned once again. The presiding minister was accused of inappropriate behaviour concerning the younger girls in the congregation... I was the person one of these girls turned to for help, the girl that openly admitted what had happened... After she spoke up, 10 other girls came out with similar stories and I was stuck in a seven month lawsuit... The churchboard called me in one day and they accused me of a lot things... According to them I was the one who started this mess... Although it was an ignorant youthworker who ran to the press with the story... But, they blamed it on me... So I left, I didn't even resign... I just never pitched again, and the funny thing is that not one person was ever concerned by this... I didn't even get as much as a text message... nothing... Since then I haven't been in a church...

The minister in question was expelled, and he started his own non-denominational church... He still believes he is innocent...

(((( Pixie ))))

You are a strong woman to have come through such ordeals still intact and standing.

You have empathy and a desire to support others which just reflects what a kind, caring heart you have.

((((((((Pixie)))))))) walks away...stops...walks back
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pixie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

wow pixie, you have been through alot. I'm sorry for your pain. I can't believe that a church could turn on you like that. I think they need a swift kick from God himself! Hang in there.

Umm I would gladly give you a hug cause i know that always makes me feel better, but since you don't know me yet, it may be innappropriate.

You are very strong to share that story (((((JustAPixie))))). I'm very sorry for everything that happened to you.

((((((((((Pixie))))))))))

I admire you for your strength and commitment to healing. You are in my prayers hon.....take good care of yourself!

Hugssssssss
Jean

((((((PIXIE)))))) *cajun walks off* **stops** ***turns and comes back*** (((((((((((((((((((((((Pixie))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((Pixie)))) I am sorry for you pain. I hope that by writing about it there is small bit of release. Even if it is just tiny.

Hi Pixie,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad you let it out. I've been to a nearby corner in hell, and get where you're coming from.

You're in my thoughts. PM me any time. <3

E

(((((((((((((((((((((((Pixie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I want to thank you for telling your story and for having the courage to do so. I am glad you let this out, and I hope these hugs are going inside your heart somewhere..........

Very courageous, very resilient, very inspiring, very loved...

Thank you all so much... your support means the world to me right now... I feel like just giving up on everything... but then I see how many people care, how many share my experience and are still fighting...

You betchya....I fight tooth and nail because I'll be damned if I'm going to allow someone else to rule my life...my present and future....no one but ME will do that. That doesn't mean that there aren't bad days.....but life goes on and I will too! I have a feeling, deep down inside, you feel the same way....matter of fact, I'm willing to bet most of us here do, that's why we keep on going

Hugssssssss
Jean

I feel so alone in this world, and now I'm going down that dangerous path of asking the questions... 'why me?' I'm just really confused lately... I drove to town the other day and ended up half way to the next town... Don't know how I got there... Don't know how I got to this point in my life... I just need a whole lot of figuring out...

Wow pix, sounds like you're dissociating, have you done that before? It can be really scary and confusing. I've gone through chunks of that, days at a time, mostly hours though. I have this from PTSD and have suffered horribly for years with this. My Pdoc upped my antidepressant and it really helped with the dissacotiation stuff. It's not gone completely but its way better.......

You're not alone, you're trying to heal and that means sometimes things are worse and dark and we go backwards five steps before we go forward one.

Don't be so hard on yourself, but do keep tabs on that dissotiation bit, it can foster that yuk feeling you're already having, not to mention lead you astray and make you confused.
Take care of yourself!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((safehugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thinking of you pixie and hoping you are being as gentle as you can with yourself right now.

Needed to let YOU know that I understand from the deepest darkest part of my soul & memory.....
and that I am proud of YOU for coming forward and speaking about what had happened to you, and for the h*ll you were made to suffered through I am truly sorry and I will cont' to keep you in my prayers today and forever - for as sad as it to admit it: me and you are sisters of deep seeded sickness that can some times come from men.

One day I to hope to be able to talk about my eleven years of h*ll here on earth.

Please know that YOU can PM me any time and that what we say in PM will stay in PM.... I will hold no judgement or assumption in my heart.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((((((( hugs )))))))

Rhap that was nice, very supportive, that resonated with me as well. Pix, wishing you well today.............

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Talulah said:
Rhap that was nice, very supportive, that resonated with me as well. Pix, wishing you well today.............

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Taulah, I don't know a lot about dissociation... I know what it is in theory, but don;t know if that is what I'm experiencing... it could be, and it happened a couple of times before... But my t thinks is normal... IDK...

Thank you for the prayers rhap, we are indeed sisters, and I will hold you in my heart as well. My heart breaks for you, and I too will keep praying for you.

Thank you for the hugs biiv, it means a lot when I am down, to know that their are people that care.