[depressedgirl]

Something really scary has been happening to me lately.I thought I was doing a little better,but,im not so sure anymore.I was starting to talk to me F-family a little more and everything,but,the day before yesteday,I started having flashbacks of my father abusing me,and its really scaring me.I had 2 today and i had 1 yesterday.I know it doesnt seem like alot,but,it does to me.and,even though my father isnt allowed to come near me,I still lay awake at night,afraid he is going to find a way to come and get me.I know it probably seems like something a little kid worries about when they go to bed and are afraid of monsters but,it really scaring me.It just seems like every time something starts going right,it goes wrong again.And for some reason,during the day,one minute ill feel kinda happy and a few minutes later ill feel depressed.My dad is making me feel miserable,without even having to be near me,so,I guess he got his wish to make me feel this way.

[mtd]

Your feelings and your fears are normal for what you have been through. You are not alone in what you are going through -- many of us have experiences just like yours. Flashbacks are terrible experiences, but you can work to overcome them. For me, it really helped to draw them, especially with crayons on construction paper, and then run my hands over them. Things like this can take the power out of the images and feelings, and make them feel less real in the present. With things like this, you can work to put the past in the past, and embrace hope for your future.

Focus too on relationships that are healthy -- good friends who respect you or counselors you come to trust. Stay away from those who don't respect you or respect your physical boundaries. The more healthy relationships you develop, the less power the past will have over you.

A few more bits of advice: Be patient with yourself, it takes time to heal. Remember the breath deep when you're feeling scared -- holding your breath keeps the fear and tension inside. And try keeping two journals: one for the bad stuff that you need to express and sort out. The other for only good stuff, no matter how small, that you experience each day -- you deserve to focus on what is good in your life just as much as what is hurting you.

Be careful, strive to be happy.

mtd

[cajun]

DG, You are so close to your period of Trauma that It is normal. You were probably Numb at first. Right now Talking to pdoc and foster parents is very important. Don't worry about your "dad", he can't hurt you where he is at. Concentrate on helping yourself. You are the victim here. Let others help you as well. One of my responsabilities as "e-dad" is to help you in your recovery effort. Listen when you need to talk. Find the answers for you if I don't know them. Your Foster Parents, pdoc, e-dad, and e-mom Jinn, are all links in a chain that will help pull you to safety. We are here for support. Here to listen. Here to comfort. Here to Help. We all want nothing more than to see you happy again. We are here for you anytime you need us.

[depressedgirl]

Thank u mtd and Cajun A.K.A.E-dad.I had another flashback today at school.Aparrently the teacher knew something was wrong with me,cause she sent me to the school nurse,and she called my F-parents and told them to pick me up early.Well,i gtg,bye.

[depressedgirl]

Is anyone else ever gonna reply?I really need some support now more than ever.I had to go to court against my dad yesterday.It was to see if my dad was goin to be in jail for awile or if he was gettin away with it.Well,my dad is in jail for 3 years,but,which means he'll get out when im 17,which means if he can he will do anything in his power to get custody of me again.Im having more and more flshback everyday.I was doing really good at my foster home.My grades were goin up a little,i was eating and i was talking,Now,since yesterday and seeing my dad again,I feel scared and depressed and lonely,and I dont know why.I should be happy that my dad is in jail,and a part of me is,but,another part of me is thinkin maybe I did somethin to deserve all the abuse I got from him.Maybe if I had been the perfect daughter like he wanted,he wouldnt have hit me,cussed at me,molested me,and im really mad at myself for thinking that its my fault cause I know its not my falt but,I cant help thinking that maybe I was bad for him to do this.Im cutting,burning and crying all the time again.And my F-sister Kiesha who has become practically my best friend since ive moved here says she overheard my F-parents talking and they said that my doctor is thinking about hospitalizing me cause all my progress has gone out the window since I went to court.I cant believe seeing my dad did all this to me but,it did.im really scared and I dont want to go back to the hospital.I WONT GO BACK.

[SeptemberMorn]

DG, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know what it's like 'cause I'm reliving some of my old trauma. Like, Gee, thanks, Dad!

I would think it's up to the doctor if you get hospitalized again, and not completely your F-parents. Be glad that they care enough to give you the help you need. The quicker you get through this, the quicker you can put it behind you and get on with a healthy life. When this happened to me, I had no one I could turn to.

I'll repeat for you, It was NOT your fault! It all rests on your dad! Three years isn't nearly long enough. They should keep him for life!

[mtd]

Hey there,

Try not to worry about 17 so much, you are getting stronger every day and will be very, very strong if you ever have to face the abuser again. I can see in how you write now that you are making great progress, speaking up with a survivor's voice to say what you feel, what you want and what you feel you need and don't need. Keep speaking up with that voice and keep close to the people who are trying to help you now. I know you feel like you don't have much control, and that feeling is very scary to those of us who have lost control with abuse before. But there are people in our lives who want to help us for real. It's o.k. to accept them for that and at the same time tell them what we really feel we need, and what we don't. Talking to them, even if they forget to ask for your input, can help them understand better what you really need, so they don't make choices for you without knowing how you feel. The more you speak, the better the help you'll get. You deserve both to speak up for yourself and to get help as you work to heal from what was done to you.

I really mean it when I say I can see progress in what you are writing. Please be patient with yourself. Even with set backs -- we all have them -- you are going in the right direction. You are strong and you are going to survive this. I know you can do it.

be well,

mtd

p.s. BTW, you may even want to stop calling him your "dad" and just call him your "former father" or something like that. Disown him. I try not to even call the people who attacked me "my" anything. I don't want to claim them in any way. So now they are just "the people who abused me" or "the ones who attacked me" instead of "my abusers" or "my perpetrators." This helps me put them away from me and off on their own to deserve their own shame.

[ally88]

Dont let him get what he wants. He's not worth your worries or your time. Think about how much better your life will get without him. im sorry your going through this. you can always talk to me. try to block the images out with something better.

[depressedgirl]

Thanks everone.Im really tired and i want to go to sleep,but,everytime i do,i have nightmares about getting hurt and i dont want those images in my head,so i puposly stay awake.

[depressedgirl]

Is ANYONE gonna repy?