[lozza89]

Hi..

I dont know what I am needing from this but I guess just some encouragement I will be ok or knowing I am not alone and someone is there and they care? really hope it's ok I post here too but I wasn't really sure where else this would fit..

things right now really aren't great and to be honest they havn't been for a while. I have been finding myself canceling apts with health professionals (including my T) going back to SH, over dosing more often than I should be although I probably shouldn't be doing it at all and I very rarely leave my house now unless I have an apt I must attend or I need to take my pets to the vets or buy them something or of course vet apts and that for my foster kittys. I am finding that I am lying to everyone including my own mum just so I can stock up on tablets (and I dont even know why she gave me what she did and so many when she knows I have a history of over dosing!! ) I feel so out of control but yet I smile and laugh at the appropriate times with people so they think I am 'ok'

I contact a phone helpline regularly but after my 26th birthday (march next year) I wont be able to call as I will be too old for their service. ella keeps yelling at me telling me I need to kill myself now before that support is taken away from me for good and she keeps telling me that nothing will ever get any better for me and I would be much better off dead and being dead means that no one can hurt or abuse me ever again.

my grandma (my mums mum) has just passed away and I couldnt even go to the funeral because I was so scared and afraid that my dad's parents would show up. I knew that probably wouldnt happen but what if I went and they did - he sexualy abused me many times whilst I was growing up and even though he also inappropriately touched my mum lots of times too my parents still allowed them to have me on school holidays and so the abuse continued. he called too.. 3 days after my grandma passed away looking for my mum.. he is banned from calling my parents home phone but he called it and of course I answered. I hate him and I hate my dads mum too for not believing me. why couldnt they have died? my mums parents were amazing and now they are gone for good

at the moment my foster cats include 2 kittens who I have to hand rear so that has been keeping me very busy and distracted. that is good. there is no point to me being alive anymore but still I hope and pray that some day I can be happy again..

oh and my GP well she has been saying some bad things and I told my T and she said that if it continues then she will need to be reported. I didnt want anyone to get into trouble though.. that was not my intention at all I swear!!! I just need her to stop saying what she is cuz its making me living harder and harder with each passing day.

everything feels so messed up and crazy and I just need it to stop. I just need it to stop now. Please someone just make it stop. Please. I dont know if I can do this anymore.

[Altered Moment]

over dosing more often than I should be although I probably shouldn't be doing it at all

I am finding that I am lying to everyone including my own mum just so I can stock up on tablets (and I dont even know why she gave me what she did and so many when she knows I have a history of over dosing!!

ella keeps yelling at me telling me I need to kill myself now before that support is taken away from me for good and she keeps telling me that nothing will ever get any better for me and I would be much better off dead and being dead means that no one can hurt or abuse me ever again.

Who is ella? I think I would cut her out of my life.
What is it your GP is saying? Maybe he needs to be reported even if it does get him in trouble.

The over dosing thing is pretty concerning. Throw those tablets away!!

[lozza89]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Who is ella? I think I would cut her out of my life.
What is it your GP is saying? Maybe he needs to be reported even if it does get him in trouble.

The over dosing thing is pretty concerning. Throw those tablets away!!

ella is another part of me.. she seems to come out a lot. My gp, she keeps saying that my T doesnt care about me at all and she is just trying to keep me sick so she can keep seeing me and taking my money. My T doesnt do that though, if anything she cares about me more than anyone and often replies to msgs outside of her designated client hours.. and I know I need to get rid of those tablets but I dont know if I am strong enough. My T does know about them now so maybe I can just give them to her but I dont see her next until Thursday and thats a while away yet..

I dont know. everything is very confusing and overwhelming right now and I dont knwo how to make ella be quiet and leave me alone. nothing is working.

[Bluegrey]

(((lozza)))

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you just now. It sounds as if you have hardly anyone to turn to - which must make things worse.

I am glad you have a good T at the moment - it sounds like she is doing a good job and giving you the support you need. Is there any kind of group you could join? Maybe she could suggest something.

Your kitties sound lovely - what are their names, and what do they look like? We have had rescue dogs before, and they have all been great.

Might ella be trying to express how hard it is for you (and her) at the moment and that's why she is talking about ending it? I don't agree with her that things can't improve though - I know from my own experience that things do change and I learn new ways of coping. I don't know how to get her to be quiet - have you tried the Dissociative Disorders forum? I used to know someone who had DID and she had other parts like you, she called them alters, so you might find someone there who can suggest something helpful.

Please don't take this wrong (I don't want to sound patronising) but I think it would be a good idea to try and bear in mind that when we are full of grief after a bereavement things tend to look much darker and are harder to cope with. This will pass - I know how I felt after my father died, and he was very dear to me - it will rise and fall for a while but one day it won't hurt so much.

Your mum must be feeling really sad as well at the moment, so she might not be as aware as she usually is about how you are feeling. Maybe you can try and make her feel loved and cared for, I expect she would really appreciate that.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful - I hope so, but if not please at least know that you are not alone and that you are cared for. Don't give up, please keep trying. I'll look out for your next post on this thread.


Bluegrey

[081714]

Please know that you are not alone. I don't even know what to say right now. Thank you for sharing. I'm thinking of you and sending good energy and healing your way.
all the best.
teach

Originally Posted by lozza89

Hi..

I dont know what I am needing from this but I guess just some encouragement I will be ok or knowing I am not alone and someone is there and they care? really hope it's ok I post here too but I wasn't really sure where else this would fit..

things right now really aren't great and to be honest they havn't been for a while. I have been finding myself canceling apts with health professionals (including my T) going back to SH, over dosing more often than I should be although I probably shouldn't be doing it at all and I very rarely leave my house now unless I have an apt I must attend or I need to take my pets to the vets or buy them something or of course vet apts and that for my foster kittys. I am finding that I am lying to everyone including my own mum just so I can stock up on tablets (and I dont even know why she gave me what she did and so many when she knows I have a history of over dosing!! ) I feel so out of control but yet I smile and laugh at the appropriate times with people so they think I am 'ok'

I contact a phone helpline regularly but after my 26th birthday (march next year) I wont be able to call as I will be too old for their service. ella keeps yelling at me telling me I need to kill myself now before that support is taken away from me for good and she keeps telling me that nothing will ever get any better for me and I would be much better off dead and being dead means that no one can hurt or abuse me ever again.

my grandma (my mums mum) has just passed away and I couldnt even go to the funeral because I was so scared and afraid that my dad's parents would show up. I knew that probably wouldnt happen but what if I went and they did - he sexualy abused me many times whilst I was growing up and even though he also inappropriately touched my mum lots of times too my parents still allowed them to have me on school holidays and so the abuse continued. he called too.. 3 days after my grandma passed away looking for my mum.. he is banned from calling my parents home phone but he called it and of course I answered. I hate him and I hate my dads mum too for not believing me. why couldnt they have died? my mums parents were amazing and now they are gone for good

at the moment my foster cats include 2 kittens who I have to hand rear so that has been keeping me very busy and distracted. that is good. there is no point to me being alive anymore but still I hope and pray that some day I can be happy again..

oh and my GP well she has been saying some bad things and I told my T and she said that if it continues then she will need to be reported. I didnt want anyone to get into trouble though.. that was not my intention at all I swear!!! I just need her to stop saying what she is cuz its making me living harder and harder with each passing day.

everything feels so messed up and crazy and I just need it to stop. I just need it to stop now. Please someone just make it stop. Please. I dont know if I can do this anymore.

[lozza89]

Thanks guys. Trying to be positive and keep busy but its hard but feeling a bit better than what I was.

Bluegrey I have a tortie girl called Princess zoe and a black DSH girl called annabell. both girls I adopted.

saw my T yesterday and before I saw her (got to apt a bit early) one of the students came out and wanted to talk to me - I've been doing assessments with her and I dont know.. I dont want yet another diagnosis and I know that I am not those diagnosis' but I just want to know still.. have a name for why things are so hard.. and well it will give me a bit of hope maybe too cuz it may help to beat all of this once and for all! if any of that makes sense?

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by lozza89

Thanks guys. Trying to be positive and keep busy but its hard but feeling a bit better than what I was.

Bluegrey I have a tortie girl called Princess zoe and a black DSH girl called annabell. both girls I adopted.

saw my T yesterday and before I saw her (got to apt a bit early) one of the students came out and wanted to talk to me - I've been doing assessments with her and I dont know.. I dont want yet another diagnosis and I know that I am not those diagnosis' but I just want to know still.. have a name for why things are so hard.. and well it will give me a bit of hope maybe too cuz it may help to beat all of this once and for all! if any of that makes sense?

Hi, I want to explain how I understand so much of what you're saying. It's late at night for me though and I can't think too clearly. I should get to sleep.

Anyhow, I do know that I always figured that I would always feel really bad.
A good day for me was when I just felt a little bad. And then things changed and now I'm totally amazed that it's possible to actually feel good and I keep discovering things that make me feel better and I don't have to work hard at keeping from feeling terrible. I really never expected things to get better, but they did.

I think things changed when I started being able to talk to my therapist about how terrible it was for me. I was always afraid to talk about all my inner parts because I thought people would think I was acting crazy. And then she actually asked me about them and since then things have been getting better. So don't listen to ella. I know she's probably just really scared and worried about you, but she doesn't know that things can get better. Have you been able to talk to your therapist about how hard things are for you right now? Asking for help is a new thing for me but I know that the psych central forum has really helped me feel connected and that helps so much.

Your kitties are lucky to have you. It sounds like you really take good care of them.

Thanks for posting.

[lozza89]

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

Hi, I want to explain how I understand so much of what you're saying. It's late at night for me though and I can't think too clearly. I should get to sleep.

Anyhow, I do know that I always figured that I would always feel really bad.
A good day for me was when I just felt a little bad. And then things changed and now I'm totally amazed that it's possible to actually feel good and I keep discovering things that make me feel better and I don't have to work hard at keeping from feeling terrible. I really never expected things to get better, but they did.

I think things changed when I started being able to talk to my therapist about how terrible it was for me. I was always afraid to talk about all my inner parts because I thought people would think I was acting crazy. And then she actually asked me about them and since then things have been getting better. So don't listen to ella. I know she's probably just really scared and worried about you, but she doesn't know that things can get better. Have you been able to talk to your therapist about how hard things are for you right now? Asking for help is a new thing for me but I know that the psych central forum has really helped me feel connected and that helps so much.

Your kitties are lucky to have you. It sounds like you really take good care of them.

Thanks for posting.

Hi

yeh my T knows things are tough and I am able to tell her a bit but its hard and especially as all this DID stuff is still so new to me and well she has already told me that the DBT approach to it is like how it is to any negitive behaviours - to not really focus on them! the others really dont like that but I knwo that DBT is the best kind of therapy for me right now and has helped more than others I've tried...

feeling so muddled and confused today but not quite sure why but I know I didnt sleep well. Princess zoe and miss annabell decided to be up all night and morning playing and chasing each other around cats can be so noisy and especially when toys with bells in them are involved lol!!!

it's saturday and I dont even know if I'm meant to volunteer tomorrow I want to cuz I know it will be helpful for me but I'm too afriad to ask in case they say they dont need me anymore..

I dont know

[kala83]

I am truly sorry to hear such a good friend is going through a hard time.

I am kind of in a bad point right now. My trauma therapy has become some what harder to deal with and I had been avoiding going to my T or my sessions I needed to go to even though I know I should be.

so I can totally relate to you on that...point.

[Just keep swimming]

Wow, that's so cool that you volunteer. Where do you volunteer? I've tried volunteering but I think maybe I try to take on too much or maybe I haven't found the right fit so I usually just last a week or two. Good luck with figuring out what you want to do.

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by kala83

I am truly sorry to hear such a good friend is going through a hard time.

I am kind of in a bad point right now. My trauma therapy has become some what harder to deal with and I had been avoiding going to my T or my sessions I needed to go to even though I know I should be.

so I can totally relate to you on that...point.

It was really hard to admit to my trauma therapist that I didn't want to come to sessions because I like to act like the "good client". (It's a real problem sometimes but it's how I've tried to do my whole life.) She reacted really well though and we talked about how great it was for me to be speaking up and saying what I needed instead of just going along. I hope your therapist understands. It can get overwhelming sometimes and I get angry that I'm not "fixed" and that it's still really hard sometimes.

[lozza89]

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

Wow, that's so cool that you volunteer. Where do you volunteer? I've tried volunteering but I think maybe I try to take on too much or maybe I haven't found the right fit so I usually just last a week or two. Good luck with figuring out what you want to do.

Thanks. Yesterday I contacted the person I had to to confirm if I was still needed or not and she said yes and I ended up going today which felt good I volunteer for the same animal rescue group I foster for. Events arent regular though and as long as you volunteer for something at least once a month then it's fine.. even if all you do is bake dog or cat treats or make toys for markets we have stalls at!!! I think that cuz events arent run regularly and there is so many different ways that you can help that thats the only reason why I'm able to do it. And volunteering knowing you are helping many animals and that you even get to cuddle and pet some at certain events... can there be a better way to spend a few hours every now and again? lol

Today (it was run yesterday also) we were doing santa photos with pets. Poor santa though - was a really hot day and santa was getting very hot in his suit! it was a good day though and we were able to raise some much needed money to help pay vet bills and treatment for our fosters in care.

[Bluegrey]

I'm glad you were able to go and volunteer - I think it's great that you do this. And nice for you to get a chance to cuddle the cats, of course!

Your own kitties sound pretty. I can't have a cat as my husband is uncomfortable with them - a bit like me with spiders - so I just have to make the most of other people's.

It's good things have settled down a bit for you - hope it carries on. Take care, and look after yourself just like you do your cats.


Bluegrey

[lozza89]

Thanks.

Things getting hard again. been trying realz hard but nots getting better and thing realz bad now. he not happy keep yelling at us littles ands he mean real mean and bad bad

[Just keep swimming]

Hi Iozza89,

Sometimes the parts of me that are little get scared and sad. Then there are other parts of me that used to scare the heck out of me. They were so angry with me. My trauma therapist really took it slow and helped me learn how to take care of the little ones. Have you been able to get in touch with your therapist?

The thing that made me feel really safe with my trauma T was how she taught me the basics of how to take care of myself and the scared parts and the angry parts before we did anything else. She taught me about safe places and how to go there when I needed to. Have your learned about how to take your little ones to a safe place.

I know you already are good at taking care of little ones because you take such good care of your cats and I bet you would keep them safe from anyone who tried to be mean to them.

It can really get hard and confusing sometimes. I hope you get a chance to volunteer with taking care of animals again. I hope you can get in touch with your therapist and you get to feeling better.

Here, I don't know if you like hot chocolate, but I like this smilie.



Swim

[lozza89]

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

Hi Iozza89,

Sometimes the parts of me that are little get scared and sad. Then there are other parts of me that used to scare the heck out of me. They were so angry with me. My trauma therapist really took it slow and helped me learn how to take care of the little ones. Have you been able to get in touch with your therapist?

The thing that made me feel really safe with my trauma T was how she taught me the basics of how to take care of myself and the scared parts and the angry parts before we did anything else. She taught me about safe places and how to go there when I needed to. Have your learned about how to take your little ones to a safe place.

I know you already are good at taking care of little ones because you take such good care of your cats and I bet you would keep them safe from anyone who tried to be mean to them.

It can really get hard and confusing sometimes. I hope you get a chance to volunteer with taking care of animals again. I hope you can get in touch with your therapist and you get to feeling better.

Here, I don't know if you like hot chocolate, but I like this smilie.



Swim

is it ok if I PM you?

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by lozza89

is it ok if I PM you?

Sure. That would be totally fine.