I think I was emotionally abused? (tw)

(This is really long sorry)

I recently just got out of a relationship. I've been trying to cope with it and I have through many break up advice and self help websites and videos, along with good friends supporting me. This is going to be very long.

We were best friends. When we first started talking online, he was 11 and I was 15. I hadn't known his age until a girl he went to school told me. At this point, we were already friends and I already had a crush on him. I had seen pictures of him and he looked older (When we first began talking I thought he was a girl. Around a year later he came out as FtM, so due to his biological sex he had already hit puberty and looked older.) we were both at the same level of social experience so there was no form of imbalance or difference, when we talked I never even questioned that we might not have been the same age. After a year of being friends and around 8 months of a very stubborn crush, we began dating. It was never very weird to us that it was long distance or that there was an age difference. When we began talking, we were both severely depressed and anxious. I had just had a friend (and crush) leave me due to being too dependent on her. His friends had left him due to a fight between him and one other friend (because he didn't give her enough attention apparently, despite being a good friend at the time). We connected on a lot of levels and had a lot of the same interests. I'm only really sharing all this as a backstory or something that could maybe help someone decipher or explain what happened or why it did.

When I first told him I liked him, he said he wasn't sure if he liked me back, then he said he didn't but at one point in time he did. It was devastating, but I wanted to be friends still. 2-3 months later he asked me out. We had seen each other in person and were very happy together. At school, he didn't have many friends. Whenever he was sad or upset I tried to give him suggestions, advice, or just listen and be there for him and no matter how I responded, he would be incredibly angry. He was like this to a mutual friend as well. I decided to deal with it if that's what made him feel better because it didn't upset me for long. The next time I went to his house, he seemed very distant. It was weird. Our relationship was never very physical, which I was very fine with considering we are both young, but he wouldn't kiss me, which made me really upset and confused because he did the time I visited before. I thought he didn't like me anymore. Eventually I just passed it off as nervousness and/or anxiety, as he was more depressed than the last time I saw him. He actually seemed more affectionate when we were with his friends. He wasn't very close to his friends at school. He didn't open up to them. This was at the end of 2013, and to this day he is still friends with him and they don't know him on an emotional level. We saw each other last summer, and he was still unaffectionate to an extent.

Towards August, he started talking to his friends more. I was happy for him because he was always upset about not hanging out with people and felt alone. During a few Skype calls, he hung up on me to talk to his other friends (via Skype). It made me upset because he sees them in person, and I don't need all his time or attention by any means, but hanging up like that is very rude. After that we didn't Skype. He Skyped with his "irl" friends, mostly. When school started, he was very stressed out and spent all of his free time hanging out with other people. Which, again, I was fine with but he never made any time to talk to me. My issue was our lack of communication, not necessarily jealousy. He was never affectionate (meaning compliments or anything like that - the most affection you can do through a computer screen or phone call, and he was barely affectionate when our relationship was "good"), and when I was affectionate towards him I was ignored. It got to the point where he wasn't even liking my selfies anymore (which seems very benign and silly, but when it's the last reassurance you have that this person likes you, it matters). It was at a point where I was grateful for having attention, even if it was once within 2 weeks. I only confronted him a few times, and he would ignore me for days and just not respond due to feeling guilty about it or just not wanting to deal with my feelings. It was like he expected me not to have feelings at all. He would brush it off and call it stupid, and usually we would have to talk to a mutual friend just because his communication skills are so poor that he couldn't talk directly to me. My friend was scared for me. She felt he was treating me very poorly and that my expectations ended up completely warped due to his lack of communication. He started getting angry and said I was self centered and not respecting his feelings, of which he never told me, or his "thought process", of which he never explained to me. He said I was being critical and that there are things I do that he doesn't constantly whine at me about, which actually bothered me because if we have an issue we need to talk about it. It's very hard to assume everything is fine until it's not. Especially when it already feels like it's not. I would bend over backwards to help him or make him happy and he couldn't even give me attention in return. It hurt because I thought he should want to give me attention. I don't expect endless bouts of gratitude because I find joy and comfort in making others happy, but once it feels entirely one-sided it makes me feel very stupid. I try to be very open and honest with my feelings. He told our friend that our relationship was more important than anyone else and that he found talking to me more gratifying than talking to most people. I don't expect to hear that. I don't want people to drop their friends and life for me, or make me their highest priority. I just want to matter to them, and not be completely ignored. It made me feel like he only wanted to talk to me that much when no one else was around. Whenever I got mad, he wouldn't talk to me. He said he didn't understand why he should talk to me, calm me down, or comfort me if I was mad at him. He has a very weird way of viewing people. He feels if someone is mad and he believes he's right, he won't try to fix things. That relationship is over. He can't acknowledge being wrong. He severely lacks empathy for other people, and he's said so himself. One time, my mother had a suicide attempt and I was very upset. After awhile, he responded "I don't know what you want me to tell you", which was a terrible thing to hear. It felt like he did not care at all. I have a very big fear of wanting too much attention due to being entirely dependent at one point (which I am over now, minus gaslighting pushing me back into it at times) and he made me feel like I was asking for too much when I knew I wasn't. Around a month of me confronting him, he broke up with me and said he didn't like me anymore. I thought it was a very weird coincidence. I felt very used and disposable. Since our friendship was of such poor quality and I was having anxiety attacks daily due to him, I decided not to talk to him anymore. He scared me. Looking back at how I was perceiving myself in relation to his behavior scared me. I felt like I was demanding too much, stressing him out, I was manipulating and using him for attention, etc. even though none of these were true. I felt really manipulated and used myself. I told myself I would only talk to him if we had a chance of dating again because being able to have some form of those good memories we had in our past again was the only thing worth salvaging. I thought his negative behavior could be turned around, but if we were completely over, that was the last straw. After around 10 days, he texted me apologizing and said we could just take a break for awhile and that he thought he just stopped liking me because of fighting (that's what I had thought as well, but something in the back of my head still told me it was because he didn't want to deal with my feelings), and he was completely sure he would like me again. He would do this a lot. Saying he didn't know how he felt then making one statement then switching to a contradiction quickly. To clarify the timeline here, he did stop liking me after I began confronting him. He said he stopped liking me 2 weeks prior and at that point we had been fighting for 2 months (or, more accurately I would occasionally bring up my feelings and he'd get angry, then I'd suppress my feelings for weeks at a time). Once, I was telling him about a couple that broke up and I said it was sad that one girl was dating another person 3 weeks after, and he got very defensive and said "you're not mourning it's just a break up there's no appropriate amount of time for that", but I feel the majority of healthy people believe the loss of a relationship is very sad and for a period of time it feels irreplaceable.

We spent 2 months of me avoiding any talk of feelings towards him. It was difficult. Eventually, I brought it up, because I couldn't take not knowing anymore. He has left me confused and alienated countless times. It felt like he gave me 2 pieces of a puzzle and expected me to see the whole picture, and the puzzle pieces didn't even go with the picture he was seeing. He said he was totally sure he didn't want to date me again, but he'd prefer us to be friends, and he didn't want me to hate him. I felt lied to. It always came back around to him. When I was upset or hurt, he would be defensive and mad that I didn't appreciate him being honest. I felt like he didn't want me to hate him just because that would mean someone has a negative opinion of him. He couldn't give a decent apology and he said stuff like "I don't want you to hate me but if you do I'll get over it whatever it happens I guess I'd prefer if we could be friends or talk again eventually", and he just seemed incredibly callous and apathetic towards losing me. I felt like he didn't care at all about losing me but rather losing someone who was a good friend towards him. We were best friends. He said I was incredible and one of the best friends of his life, but he said it when he thought I was going to leave. He never said it when I needed comfort or reassurance. Being around him so long makes me feel crazy for even mentioning my feelings or analyzing his behavior, even though all of my friends (whom I trust to tell me if I'm wrong, especially as most of them talk to him,and they have told me when I was wrong in the past) agreed with me. He stopped talking to our mutual friend, even though at one point they were best friends. We were basically the 2 people he was closest to. It seems he doesn't want anyone to be close to him or know that side of him anymore. His parents and sister have said he doesn't care when he upsets them and he doesn't try to make things right but rather waits for them to get over it and gives a poor apology.

I feel like I was emotionally abused, but I also feel like I can't take my own feelings seriously and that I'm over dramatic. My friends are all into reading about psychology and several of them are/are going to major in psychology and to them it definitely seemed like abuse and that he has some form of disorder. I suppose I'm looking for someone else's reassurance that this could be true so I can stop taking it so personally or blaming myself. It's very hard to re-wire your thought process after someone has blamed everything on you, even after your self esteem is moderately improved/high. Or maybe I'm just looking for advice. I'm not really sure. I think I feel better but it's still lingering there. I still feel very alienated and confused and it's brought back suicidal feelings to a degree, just because I'm not really sure how to dig myself out of the pattern of feeling like I'm wrong even when I know I'm right and my self esteem isn't completely low.

I'm sorry this is so long. I really needed a venting space and I don't have a lot of places to retell this story as my friends have all already heard it, and most of them can't relate (which I'm incredibly happy for, if you can relate I'm very sorry.) Thank you for reading this (or responding if you actually got through all this, haha). I'm very sorry if you have had anything similar happen to you.

gooddolphin, Hello and welcome to PC.

I read your story and I could see that you have a lot of insight into some things. I really believe that you know the answers as you seem very bright and you do see where you have made mistakes and that is good, however this relationship sounds very unhealthy and it is best that it is over. I really think that you did the right thing by ending it or letting it end. If he is a FtM person then that alone causes some confusion for him. Could he have been taking hormones in that process as well as that can be very hard on the body. I guess I am saying that I concur that it is best to move on with your life and not beat yourself up over this. Take any relationship as a learning experience. You are intelligent and I bet your future relationships will prosper and you do need to have support when you are in a relationship. Please don't second guess your feelings so much. I'm glad that you vented but do not take suicidal feelings too lightly. Please ask for help from a trusted adult. Please have confidence in yourself and be safe. Blessings.

The community liaisons and moderators are here for you should you need any help in navigating this site. Keep reaching out and I wish you the very best here at PC and in your relationships.

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are being abused and it has worn you down. When suicidal thoughts enter your ahead it is not a time to be afraid but it is a good time to talk to your psychiatrist and maybe they will adjust the meds or replace them.

Also this is a good time to have a safety plan in case you feel you might actually plan to act on thoughts or do self harm. Here is what a safety plan is that keeps you from taking harmful actions.
Psych Central - Search results for Suicide safety plan

There are many caring people here at PC.

What about going to a therapist that can help get to the root of the problem?

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You're not being dramatic and you can most definitely trust your feelings. This was a very unhealthy relationship (and yes, emotionally abusive). One of the issues is that your friend is a lot younger than you and emotionally unmatched, and the other big issue is that he was/is going through the biological/hormonal/emotional adjustment of FtM.

Is there someone you can talk to about this (other than a friend)? I hope you know that you deserve better than this from a relationship and that you can recognize what a healthy relationship looks like as much as an unhealthy one.

I wasn't really sure which response to reply to because I thought I'd end up rambling anyway so here's kinda one big thing.

Thank you all for the responses! Due to his age, he wasn't going through hormone replacement therapy. Also, he wasn't out (as trans) to anyone else besides me or my friends (yes, including his friends, because he didn't want his parents or other people to find out. In retrospect he has a lot more trust issues than I realized at the time). It felt like somewhere in between losing his friends and going to a school with people he didn't like, he just stopped telling people about his emotions. I tried to confront him about it, of course I wouldn't expect him to talk about being upset if it made him uncomfortable, but it interfered with our friendship greatly. And (not surprisingly) he turned it back around on me and just said he didn't like me but had feelings about other things. But that's the issue. "Things". He has feelings for things and tv shows and places and basically anything other than actual human interaction. Sometimes he shows gratitude towards his friends when they do things for him. I heard from one of his friends that she overheard him talking to his other friend and either him or his friend said I "dilute reality" (which if there was anything of the form it was a direct result of gaslighting and him being incredibly self unaware. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean). I never confronted him because I'm friends with the girl that I heard it from and I didn't want to cause any drama between them. I've mostly gotten over blaming myself but it's still disappointing and a little sad. It makes me sad because I tried really, really hard and at one point we were on the same level emotionally and it felt like we were completely in tune with one another, and it seemed like even after getting somewhat out of his depression he just completely backpedaled. He can see issues in things everyone else does but not in himself, even when the exact same thing is being done, and I feel like he thinks I'm too crazy or self revolved to take anything that I say seriously. I've had a small group of friends that I can talk to about it and they've been immensely helpful but I don't have anyone older or a doctor that I can talk to about it. I've been on medication for the last 2-3 years but my mom wouldn't let me go to therapy for whatever reason. I don't really trust her with my feelings either as it always turns around to being "ok, what did YOU do to cause them to do that?" or "you are so overdramatic/*****y/sensitive/whatever". She doesn't really understand the concept of emotional abuse and I'm not close with the rest of my family and I'm also not out to them (around my family he was going by his birth name/female pronouns). He was out to my mom in a small degree but I basically totally brushed off mentioning it because my mom threatened to out him to his parents when she got mad at me over something stupid. Honestly everyone around me seems like they have an emotional circus going off inside their head and it's really difficult being around so many people who are unhealthy and refuse to see it and blame it on anyone else (mostly me). I'm glad I'm out of it and I've been feeling better but when anything else upsets me it's basically like a domino effect and everything else comes out as well, including any self blame I still have left. I'm trying to undo my thought process of blaming myself but it's difficult because I feel like anyone I've ever been really close to has encouraged it to the point where it's my go-to point even when my self esteem is better. It gets really overwhelming when I'm upset and it's a lot harder to talk myself down from. I think I'm scared of being like the people who have been around me and constantly blamed things on everyone else. Whenever I would tell my mom she was treating me badly, it would come back around to me being selfish or blaming my problems on other people. But I have a fairly good perspective on my emotions and I can usually tell when I'm being irrational (if anything I end up being overly critical) and if I'm upset over something that seems silly it's definitely because there's a bigger issue. I feel very disappointed. Not really because it was my fault but more because I really thought he was better than that. And I feel like he interpreted this as "you have emotional problems because you no longer like me" and "I have no desire to talk to you anymore because we're not dating" but that really wasn't the issue. It's that the timing of everything seemed too weird to be coincidental and he was never straightforward enough with his feelings that I was completely blindsided when he said he didn't like me anymore. It was really hard to accept especially when it felt like maybe he did still like me somewhere but couldn't - or wouldn't - express it because it was too much effort and I begun to stress him out. I've accepted that he genuinely stopped liking me but it's still hard to feel like it wasn't intentional like he intentionally distanced himself from his feelings just because he didn't want to talk about them. He always said he didn't know how he felt and he blanks out his feelings to the point where he can't analyze them himself. It made it really hard to fully grasp what he was saying but all of this makes me feel kind of bad or manipulative because I should assume that he has a better understanding of his own emotions than I do, be he would literally say "I don't know how I feel about you" minutes before saying "I don't like you anymore". It was hard not falling into some terrible thought process over it and I'm still trying really hard not to blame myself for how my thought process ended up due to how unhealthy it was. I guess I was confused to the point where I needed an answer just so I could stop hating myself over it.

I'm sorry that ended up being a wall of text. Being able to rehash this all out has made me feel better especially since I've kind of run out of sources to talk to about it, not necessarily that my friends are no longer supportive but rather they've all already heard this entire story. I really, really appreciate having someplace to talk about this.

This isn't 100% related, but I'm diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I also have dermatillomania and mild trich but I'm not diagnosed with those (I'm pretty sure my GP just lumped those things in with GAD). I've had nyctophobia since I was a child, and by this I mean I sleep with the light on literally every single night because if I don't I'll have panic attacks (I've been at a point where I couldn't close my eyes to sleep without panicking). I've never been a very paranoid person and I'm very trusting but being confused about what is or isn't there scares me (not just in reference to the nyctophobia but a lot of things), even when I know it's not there. As a kid I experienced sexual abuse of some form (not from an adult, but from several other kids and it still affected me a lot). My mom has always been emotionally abusive. I feel like whenever I really talk about it I feel like I'm throwing some huge pity party for myself and that I'm not allowed to actually admit or recognize when bad things have happened to me. So I'm kind of just venting here. I've started having bouts of depersonalization when I get upset. I feel like this entire thing confused me for months and made me question everything else about myself. I know there are individual forums for most of this stuff and I'll probably check those out as well but I'm still just kind of venting.

How old is this kid now? 12? I'm usually very supportive but you're trying to have a relationship with a little kid. At your age it's bordering on pedophilia. You don't have a relationship with this baby--you never did, this baby isn't emotionally capable of having a relationship.

I'd be a lot ruder but you're not very old to begin with and you're reading way too much into it.

(sorry if this sounds overly harsh--I was in love with a 15yr old when I was 18 and I now know it was warped.)

Thank you for continuing to post, gooddolphin. This is such a chaotic stage of life for both of you, complicated by your own age difference and gender/sexuality issues. It's pretty explosive. Since your mom won't agree to letting you see a therapist, is there a LGBTQ group at your school or in your community? I think there are a lot of extra challenges to this relationship and your life that others with a similar experience can share support and understanding.

Help is out there. And you deserve it.

Seriously? The relationship is emotional and complicated. The OP is here for help and support.

He isn't 12. He is 14. I'm 17. It's the age difference between a freshman and a senior. I do regret dating him and I wouldn't date someone younger than me again, but I don't hate myself for talking to someone younger than me 3 years ago. I knew when I was 14 that treating people in certain ways was damaging. I knew if I was manipulating someone - intentionally or unintentionally. I never held any form of power over him due to my age. Ever. Literally not even for a second. If he seemed in any way like a kid, in looks, behavior or anything else, I wouldn't have talked to him because it would've weirded me out. I was kind of weirded out at first, but at that point we were already really close friends. When we started talking, I hadn't dated anyone. Hadn't had a job before, hadn't drove, etc. I was also a kid. When we started talking, we had both lost close friendships and related very closely to one another. For at least 2 years I felt like he was the only person who really understood my feelings or knew what I was going through. There are way, way more 14 year olds who have had more life experience than I have, even now. Do I think at some point I emotionally outgrew him? Yes, absolutely, hence us no longer talking, but at one point he also began emotionally backpedaling and that's a factor in the gap in our compatibility as well. There was only a significant difference in our emotional maturity when my self esteem begun improving within the last 5 months. Us talking at all was about our friendship first the entire time. If we hadn't liked each other at one point we would still have the same issue (as our mutual friends have felt equally alienated by it). It seems really silly to me to think of someone differently due to age when you're on the level of emotional maturity, life experience, etc and are within the same age bracket (in regards to puberty). When we first started talking, and for at least until 5 months ago, we were on the same level in all of those things. The biggest difference was that I knew a few more years of algebra. If you think all of that is simply due to his age, I understand that, but that wasn't necessarily what I came on this website for and I don't necessarily agree. I have a feeling that my situation wasn't entirely the same as yours. I might think differently in a few years, I doubt it but maybe, but that doesn't change that that wasn't what I needed to talk about here. If you would like to be more harsh, by all means go ahead but it seems rather unhelpful for me and maybe frustrating for you.

There are no local LGBTQ groups I have access to. I had actually started one at my school, but most people attending it got bored and it ended up giving me severe anxiety due to an abundance of people making fun of it openly. Very small town. I'm hoping to move to a bigger city soon so I can be more comfortable around a diversity of people and I will probably end up attending a support group of some form, if not some form of counseling. I really, really appreciate your support, though!

gooddolphin,

I have read a lot of your posts and I have to say that this young man at age 11 to 14 is not going to have the capacity to be what you have been asking him to be. The truth is he is not going to have any where near the maturity level to interact with you in the more adult ways you have been asking him to either. You have wanted him to show you empathy in situations that he did not know how either, his question of "I don't know what you want" was the truth. Actually much of the responses you have gotten from him and his behavior patterns are pretty normal for his age too.

True "empathy" is not really developed until much later, well after the teen years, and boys tend to be behind in maturing too. Empathy takes place when an individual has experienced certain painful challenges themselves and had to sort through the challenging emotions that come with experiencing some kind of profound loss. To expect someone so young like this young man to actually be able to "empathize" is really asking for him to give you something he is not at all mature enough to do.

Most of his behaviors are "normal" for his age because the teen years are all about learning about having friends, how to be as a person and most teens are narcissistic which is why a professional cannot diagnose NPD during that time period. Most teens are still in their "own universe" psychologically, there is just not enough life experience for this age group to be what you are expecting, even what he may be expecting as well.

The human brain doesn't finish developing until age 25, and the last part that develops is the frontal lobe decision making part of the brain too. So, even you being still very young yourself are still just learning and often the choices made are not based on a mature level "yet" because you have not fully developed "yet" yourself.

Dating someone so much younger than yourself like this is not going to be a "mature" relationship, especially at his age and for you to expect that and be so hurt when he doesn't react in a way that you feel is right is not being fair to yourself or this young teen. Your thinking about what he clearly is too young to give you as "abuse" is not what is really taking place. So, let him go and grow up, otherwise you are just going to continue to be disappointed.

It is called "crazy-making" behavior (because it is so confusing). The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I wish it were required reading for everyone on the planet. Verbal abuse is literally....brainwashing.

I appreciate everyone's responses and I feel all of you are correct in different ways. However, I think I'm rethinking really wanting to discuss this further. I was really upset when I posted it and I no longer really want to talk about it. Best of luck to all of you and I hope you have a good day, thank you!

((gooddolphin)),

You just needed to vent and you did, don't be sorry, that is what we do here, vent. It's better for you to let it all out. I really think you needed to vent and have other people listen.

I wanted you to think about "maturity level" differently, seeing yourself, and this other individual at where this age group really is. Whether someone this age group is straight, gay, bi, questioning their gender identity, the "overall" maturity level whatever an individual happens to be "is" not really "there" yet. I wanted you to understand the "overall" and not just thinking it is you or because you see yourself as different because of the LBGTQ. Seeming more mature or appearing more mature doesn't really mean someone in the teens, and even early 20's is at a place where they feel more secure/sure of themselves. It is also normal for friends to be quite close for a while and then stray away too. I saw it happen with my daughter and her friends, and I have read a lot of situations where members in these teenage years experience this as well.

Also what can happen is that individuals in this age group get close then drift apart and then at some later point in their lives meet up again too. Its a very stressful time of life for so many, lots of emotional development taking place on the inside of many away from outside appearances. Remember, those who send mixed messages are those who are simply "not sure" one way or another.

Licketysplit--we're here for reality checks also. It's illegal and someone needed to point that out.

Gooddolphin--I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak up. You've been talking to this person for 3 years? And now you're discussing this person with their friends and family? My concern is for you. You need to take care of yourself first. And yes, our situations were different, my guy was IRL the whole time. (Not being rude here just how it was)