[estrella]

Sounds funny, but pardon my choice of words. Earlier this year, I was assaulted by a friend of mine, and even though the abuse continued, I developed feelings for him. Didn't seem like he knew what he was doing or how it affected me, but for some reason, I took the blame and ended up like this.

I talked to him tonight, and was even going to see him. It's been a really long time since I last spoke or saw him, though I didn't get the chance to actually see him. He was on his way to see me, though because of my anxiety and the fact my dad doesn't know I left for that reason exactly, I told him not to.

For some reason, I'm yearning to relive the good times there were with him earlier this year. Talking to him made me feel lonely and how all the friends I had then left and I pushed him out and let him back. And I'm not sure what to feel. Why do I like him, why do I want to relive those times even though there were good times. Maybe I'm sick and maybe I did want it. But I wasn't comfortable at all and said no and boom. Here I am, still talking about it. >

We still love our abusers because they aren't abusive all the time. Sometimes they are good, right? And we think if they are good sometimes they can be good all the time.

But it doesn't work that way. That is how they hook us.

[starfruit504]

It's a beautiful thing to always see the good in the people around us, to remember the best times we had with other people. So many of us in this forum are that way and it's righteous. But some people are abusive. They're the ones who need to change, not us.

No matter how your sympathy plays tricks on you, you said no. No means no. You didn't consent and that's all that matters.

[Miktis25]

My father always does this thing where he will appear unbelievably kind - usually through monetary means though, like buying expensive jewellery or something electronic that I don't need. He does this, and often I question, "Am I right? Did he really abuse us? Is it me that's the fault, and he is actually this really wonderful father, and I am actually very lucky and undeserving to have him?".

But abusers do this - they do their utmost to appear as the most kindest person you could ever meet, with such unbelievable acts of niceness, so that we think these thoughts and continue to stay around them. It's just a tool to make it harder for us to escape

[globularrae]

I had a long relationship in college with a man who used to sleep with me without my consent, I mean I didn't say "No" but I didn't want to. He'd just started pulling at my clothes, taking them off. I was rarely into it. We lived together and I had very little money. I didn't see any way out and at the time it didn't seem that bad. I left him after 4 years when my brother offered me a place to stay. My bf didn't even seem to care, I moved out and he just chilled and played guitar, made me a sandwich before I left. The first week without him, I missed him. I cried in the shower every day. I felt like my heart had broken, so I must have loved him? I don't know. All my feelings surrounding that relationship are murky and hard to grasp. But I accept that and try not to beat myself up about it.

[starfruit504]

There's always smoke and mirrors they use to try to get you to forget that they hurt you. If they could just wipe our memories they'd be doing it all the time.

Originally Posted by Miktis25

But abusers do this - they do their utmost to appear as the most kindest person you could ever meet, with such unbelievable acts of niceness, so that we think these thoughts and continue to stay around them. It's just a tool to make it harder for us to escape

Every "charitable act" my father ever committed was so he could say "Look what I did for you." Then he could complain that he gives and gives and world takes and takes. A martyr. "The world is ungrateful," he says, while he shoves more money in the pocket of the next person he hopes to manipulate.

when my ex-roommate assaulted me i developed feelings for her to protect myself from the truth of what she did. if she hadn't been a pretentious a-hole most of the time or if we had fond memories together i probably would have let her continue doing it for even longer than she got away with, but even as it was i couldn't stand the thought of her being kicked out and it all being my fault for being an overdramatic baby who couldn't just say no louder and a dozen or two more times.

as for my original abuser + rapist, good god. if i heard for him again it'd be the end of me.

[marmaduke]

One word. Oh two words
STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

You said it.

[HonestlyLying]

W.T.F. how can you overlook that abuse? I don't get that at all. I have so much animosity built up towards my abuser I would still kill him.

[estrella]

I do so hope you read my message.

[DechanDawa]

Trauma bonding is so crazy. No contact is the only way to get over it. The longer you go without seeing or talking to (or even about) the abuser the more your sanity will be restored. You are not thinking clearly because your emotions have been tampered with in a bad way. Just stay away. The person has mental problems you can't fix. Just work on yourself. The stronger you become the less chance of this happening again. You also need to gain knowledge about trauma bonding.

[Permacultural]

I was for awhile. She had a real damned good way of making me forget or re-frame the abuse. Then there were the arguments. Then the snide comments and insults in public. I was so scared to get away. I knew I'd have to give up a good job, and I knew she would go ballistic and smear me once I was gone. Once she did those things, it demonstrated to me (finally) that she didn't feel love for me. I was a possession to her.

It's been a couple years of no contact and I still have nightmares occasionally.

There is also the problem with addiction. Up/down fiery relationships can become addictive. They have an element of unpredictability and excitement, at least for me.

I am bipolar so I am used to instability. I grew up with alcoholic and emotionally abusive parents.

It is so hard to break a habit that is so ingrained.

I have nightmares, too, Perma. ^ Years later.

[TishaBuv]

I understand. It's all gray and murky waters.

When you say he assaulted you, what did he do?

Yes, we can still deeply miss and want to be with an abuser, even when they've abused.. as others have pointed it, their moments of niceness and the good times are the hooks... then they abuse again. The cycle of abuse repeats itself.. they're nice, then they abuse, then they apologize with flowers, tears, and candy, we forgive, things are good again until they abuse again. Wanting the good times back is a powerful hook... sincere apologies and promises to not repeat behaviors is a powerful hook. With abuse, the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away entirely, no matter how hard or painful it is.. and no matter how much you miss them. Preserving your self-esteem, self-worth and mental health are worth it! No matter how lonely it gets... reach out to others instead during those lonely times, those who are healthier and better for you, who treat you with kindness and respect. (((((((big hugs)))))))

I completely get this.

I was raped by an ex boyfriend but the thing was, before the rape, he was so sweet and so kind and he would tell me he'd marry me and cook for me and we'd have a lovely house with beautiful children
I know now that those are all lies, but I thought he said those things because he loved me so when he raped me I was really confused and I thought he still loved me.

The abuse got so bad I had to call the police in him, but if that never happened I'd probably still be with him because I really did love him.

That's what abusers do, though. They charm you into thinking that you
Love them so they can keep you around longer

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by estrella

Sounds funny, but pardon my choice of words. Earlier this year, I was assaulted by a friend of mine, and even though the abuse continued, I developed feelings for him. Didn't seem like he knew what he was doing or how it affected me, but for some reason, I took the blame and ended up like this.

I talked to him tonight, and was even going to see him. It's been a really long time since I last spoke or saw him, though I didn't get the chance to actually see him. He was on his way to see me, though because of my anxiety and the fact my dad doesn't know I left for that reason exactly, I told him not to.

For some reason, I'm yearning to relive the good times there were with him earlier this year. Talking to him made me feel lonely and how all the friends I had then left and I pushed him out and let him back. And I'm not sure what to feel. Why do I like him, why do I want to relive those times even though there were good times. Maybe I'm sick and maybe I did want it. But I wasn't comfortable at all and said no and boom. Here I am, still talking about it. >

estrella,
I think part of this is due to human nature. Human beings are so curious and want to "know, learn, explore and overcome". That is the big reason we have thrived in spite of how fragile we are in the scheme of things. Human beings are not only learners and curious by nature, but have a desire to teach each other too.

You had some good experiences with this individual, in a way you had some fun exploring with each other. It is normal for a bond to take place from that, it's really part of our design as we thrive in groups the best. It is also not unusual that part of you has a desire to see if you can overcome the fact that this individual invaded your boundaries.

Human beings are also designed to have mating attractions towards each other, there are things that take place hormonally that draw human beings together to want to mate, that is the case in most of nature itself.

Women and men are set up differently, and we are still studying that difference and while we have learned a lot, there is still much we have yet to learn. Males often do odd things to gain the attention of a female they may be attracted to, some of these things seem odd too, they may seek out a female and pull her hair or bump up against her or make funny noises around her because they just don't know how to gain her attention any other way. Women notoriously want men to just sit and cuddle, men notoriously consider that means "sex", some men are so sensitive that way that they push it aggressively. Sex means something different to men then it does for women too. A male can have sex without love, it's not anything more to them then scratching an itch. Women have a very different view on sex and tend to connect it with something long term. However, women are the ones that bear the child, and therefore they really need to think in a long term way, therefore, by nature, they do.

Perhaps the confusion in you is that you did enjoy exploring and learning with this certain male, in that you developed a connection that signalled a long term possibile connection. Often it is that connection that can draw a female back to the male, even though he may have surprised her by acting badly. Most likely, it is more due to the nature part that is acted on that one may not realize, after all, it is nature that wants the reproduction to take place the most. That is often why women, after getting past that original "nature wants to mate and reproduce" part that she suddenly wonders what she ever even saw in this individual who later is not all that attractive or attentive and caring. Well, we are living a lot longer then we used to, so we get past the age where reproduction is the major drive that can be so blinding. Our ideas have been changing a lot when it comes to "the long term plan" when it comes to a partner.

[lostinsidemyself]

I also struggle with this confusion, pure confusion!

Possible trigger:

I always called my step dad, whom started and raised me along with my mother in a cult from age 6; my "first love" starting at age 12. It was the only time I felt touch that didnt hurt. I still call him that at now age 34. Its very confusing. He had me beliving he was going to marry me and stuff. Very confusing! Blame has just recently shift from me where it has always been including for the 7 yrs ive been in therapy, to them but its still confusing.