Loving someone that was abused as a child

I've been involved on and off with a gentleman for seven years. We were engaged for awhile. Recently I've finally figured out some of the reasons why he is such a yo yo with his emotions. He awoke from a nightmare and his words, him throwing the remote, him swinging and the terrible look on his face made me suspect what had happened. Several months later when he broke up with me for the 20 something time and he was seeing someone else, we finally started talking honestly, about what went wrong with our relationship. That is when I finally had the nerve to say I think you were abused weren't you? To my surprise he confirmed yes. He had been married over 20 years and said that his wife never figured out. I'm the only one that knows this. He has since broken up with this other person and we tried again. But today he broke up with me again. This time because I didn't want to have sex last night, because he wants to see me, but he doesn't want to date me. and I said I'd really like to date. He said I'm holding back on the sex thing to hold him hostage. If I give him sex he withdraws saying it doesn't feel right. If I don't he gets mad too. I love this man. When I finally figured out he had been molested, I finally understood his mood swings, his getting so close , and then running away so fast. I love him so much, but now he is treating me like I am terrible like I treated him with terrible disrespect because I said I wanted him to date me before we had sex. Some how I'm allowing him to make me feel guilty. I hate that.

I love him so much. But I didn't do anything wrong here. I don't think. Maybe according to him I did. But 4 days ago he wanted to cool it. Then Sunday, yeh yesterday he invited me out for lunch, get here asap. He won't get any counselling for this, he doesn't see the molestation as a problem. He said our personalities clash. Because I am holding my body for ransom. Can somone help me out here. One day he loves me the next day he is running away. I need someone that understands this issue. I want to stick by him, but he pushes me away every week or so. I feel like this time he is not going to let me back in.

I feel that you are certainly entitled to your boundaries, and you should honor that first, so if you do not want to share yourself sexually with him, he needs to respect that. My biggest concern for him is him saying his abuse history doesn't matter, but at the same time he has kept it a secret. And his confused feelings after sexual contact I can certainly relate to as a survivor. These things suggest to me that he is carrying a lot of shame and denying it, and that he is in a lot of pain that he is probably not facing. Also, him saying you are "holding your body ransom" is a pretty telling statement. "Ransom" in this context is certainly not a loving statement. If he was sexually abused, his choice of that term worries me all the more. It implies giving up something by blackmail and manipulation, something that happens to a lot of sexually abused children. It sounds like he is still defining sexual intimacy that same way. That's not a healthy experience for either of you. He probably needs professional help as much as he needs your love. Your boundaries with him sound really challenged. I think you should listen to that voice in you and stay true to yourself. You need to do that for yourself. You can offer your love to help him heal, but not at the expense of your own feelings of safety and true intimacy.

I really feel for him because I know all too well how a history of abuse can infect the present. And I know the pain of being in long term denial. But to get better, he doesn't need you violating your own boundaries in a relationship. That will only set up the relationship for failure and pain and loss for you both. Extend a loving hand to him and offer to help him heal. Tell him why you do not want to be intimate right now and tell him why you feel his past is harming your relationship today. If he can't accept an offer of help and your feelings for what they are -- without trying to compel you to do things you are not comfortable with -- you can't help him right now. You have to accept that. He needs to want to heal first and seek help. Being this honest with him might help break the cycle of denial he appears to be in. You have to love him enough to see that truth and act on it in a healthy way. Be careful.

mtd

i only know what its like to be the one to cause hurt to my friends and my bf
the pain they have from knowing im messed up from abuse
the feelings they have of not knowing what to do
not understanding how i feel
its hard for them maybe more so than it is for me at times
all i can do is just keep trying to explain it to them
explain to them why i act and say the things i do
why one minute im ok and the next there are explosions

its a good thing he told u he trusts u in some way
maybe hes freakin out cos he thinks if he gets to close he mite get hurt
i do this all the time
i sabotage things in order to protect myself
funny thing thou is that i still get hurt
but at least i hurt me not the other person
reassure him and as mtd says tell him his past is still there for him and he needs to seek some help to work thru that
that he doesnt need to feel ashamed or embarressed about it
that he doesnt always have to act tuff

take care and i hope ur friend gets some help
its a hard long road
i hope he has the support to get him thru it

Thank you for your reply, especially since you are a survivor yourself. Since I am the only one that knows anything about this, I feel so alone in being able to help him. When really all I can do is pray for a miracle that he will get help. He has totally shut me out of his life now. He will not answer calls and has told me he should of never started seeing me again. He is so confused, he is so hurt by this, he thinks it is what I did, he has no idea the past is doing this to him. I feel helpless. The hardest thing is he is a great man. It isn't his fault that this happened to him. It was a family member that did this to him, a brother that he had so sleep with every night. He told me that he is over it and that no one will find out, I am to tell no one.That he loves hi brother and the past is over. Yet, I have hell to pay over saying no. I love him and want to help him, but I'm shut out. All I can do at this point is send him a message saying I'm sorry I upset him, that I will always love him, I miss him and ask God for a miracle. I'm not afraid of him. He won't hurt me physically. He never has even come close. When we are close we are very close. When things are good, the intimacy seems so right, unbelievable. I believe he loves me, but if we have an upset of any kind no matter how small on anything he runs. Then later he usually comes back. Sometimes it takes awhile. But this time he is really upset. Last time it was six months. And then he tried dating someone else, first. How did you finally decide to seek help?

Its good that you keep trying to explain it to them. My boyfriend just shuts down and runs away from me. You are right he is very scared if he gets close he will get hurt, that is all he is worried about, that I will hurt him. And he looks for me to do that. And I'm human, and sometimes I will make mistakes and I will accidently hurt him. It doesn't mean I want to, it doesn't mean I don't love him. I do love him, I want to be with him every single day, but he won't let me.
You say the funny thing is you still get hurt, you are right. But you say at least you hurt you and not the other person. Don't count on it. If the other person loves you and they know you are hurting, then they are hurting also. They want to see you happy too. I doubt that my friend will seek help. He is a tough guy that comes from a family that doesn't have problems? Every family has problems. He doesn't want to out anyone. If he ever faces this issue then all of the praying I do on my knees every night have finally been answered. Thanks for your reply and keep communicating it really helps us trying to love you!

godhelpme, I had similar issues in most of my past relationships. I am now with a person who is supporting me while I go to therapy. Yes, sometimes I am still inappropriate and hurtful. When that happens I try to recognize it and we talk about why I acted in that manner. I attribute my change to my therapy. Without therapy I think I would have remained stuck in the same pattern—I would get close then run and I had difficulties sexually. So, a person can recover if they take the steps and work through their issues.

I decided to get help because I got tired of living like I was and I thought I could have a better life. Today, I have been in a fairly stable relationship for 6 years. We have had our issues, but we have worked our way through them.

I think he is lucky to have you in his life—maybe he will realize it.

Hi DePressMe,
I learned alot from what you said. i wrote a post today "am i in the right place?" about the same issue, i was abused as a child and i'm tired of being afraid of real intimacy. Was it hard working through your fears?

dorsey

I'm impressed with both Depressme and Dorsey, Depressme you have come a long way, I'm proud of you for confronting the past in order to have a better future, and thanks so much for answering my questions. It really does help. More than you can know. And to Dorsey you are making the right steps to healing, and that is great!

Also, to update everyone. The man I love that was molested as a child, and had been distancing himself. I gave him some time. Finally I broke the ice with a little humor. He began talking to me again. This time he brought up the abuse he suffered. It is becoming a little, (little) easier for him to talk about to me. I said you can't forgive me but you can forgive only members of your family that hurt you in your life, those people you forgive and stand by no matter how horrible the things they do to you are. I haven't done anything like that at all, and you can't forgive me can you? He said no I guess not. I love my brother. (meaning the one that abused him) A few days later, out of the blue, he called me up and asked me out for a date! I have no idea what caused him to change his mind after this amount of time, and I'm not asking. He didn't change his mind. He was a little nervous, but he didn't cancel, we went out, had a good time, and he has started talking about a future again. We'll see if it happens or if he takes off running again. I'm hoping all of the praying has helped. I also help that someone will cross paths with him that has been through the same thing as him. I keep praying that God will help him with these issues. I'm happy he is allowing me into his life again. When he lets down the wall we have the greatest time. His sense of humor, and our conversation is never ending.

Hi there,
I know this thread is very old, but I was hoping that someone could please give me an update on their relationship with a sexually abused male. Did things work out in the end? Did they end up seeking help?
I am in the exact same situation now, and in the faze where he will randomly contact me to catch up, we will have a wonderful time, and then he will withdraw again and ignore me.
I am the only person who knows that he was raped by his older brother as a child. We have broken up and got back together many times. We are now not “together” but still speak and he says he needs to sort himself out before he can be in a relationship with me. But this does not mean he is willing to seek professional help, he has refused to do that.
He has now left on a party trip around Europe which I think will exacerbate his emotional state as he tends to drink heavily to escape reality.
I’d really like to know if a relationship with such an individual can ever work?
Any responses will be greatly appreciated.

1. It's a tragedy that he was sexually abused.

2. The fact that he was sexually abused does not entitle him to mistreat you.

3. Do you want to spend your time chasing someone who isn't willing to get any help?
If the answer is yes because you love him what does that say about your self worth?
If you want to fix that part of yourself it will help you from accepting mistreatment from anyone.

I'm sorry if my words are coming across harshly. I have a friend who would rather be with anyone than be alone even if it's unhealthy. She is trying to work on that in therapy but it's difficult.

Save yourself.