[Marylin]

Once you have cut your abusers out of your life there is still quite a journey to recover.You have to heal your wounded emotions and discover your own independence ,automony and freedom.

For me going out there and living my own life carries the risk of having extreme fear,anger,pain emotional pain triggered by new acquaintances.There is the problems of recreating past abusive situations.Indeed a couple of friendships after I cut my abusive sister out of my life turned out to be with narcissists who used me and did not respect me.

I have learnt not to fear this happening but I am usually upset if it does.I saw in myself the pattern of being too kind,understanding and generous that attracted these kind of abusers to me.I took a long break from making new friends to get over the pain of having had them hurt me.Now I want to go back out there to make new friends,I am hoping I can attract good people who will respect me,and have things in common with me and will not judge me as inferior,many have done so in the past and I can't tolerate that again.

I have resolved however that should things go wrong again in this respect it won't matter or demolish me and upset me for long because I am no longer allowing anyone else to be central in my life or to matter so much.I will be central,my interests ,hobbies,goals will be central, people will come and they will go but who they are and what they do to me will matter much less to me that who I am,what I want and how they make me feel.

If they hurt me or affect me badly then they will be out my life and not matter at all.They will be minor bit players and I will toss them aside and forget about them.

Of course I will need to deal with the feelings and aftermath of their abuse and hopefully I am figuring out how to put a stop to these sort of people getting me as friends in the first place,but no more will they cause me hurt or damage,as soon as I suss them they are out of my life.

I prefer to be self sufficient unless I meet good people, God's people,people who care, love,share as equals.It is hard to meet people like that, it has been for me so far in my life but that is because I have always been controlled and my genuine side has been in hiding.I am coming out and being me and maybe going a bit for what I want instead of cowering in fear like usual.

I have developed more in confidence and my sensual side is coming out more and I find myself attracted and wanting to initiate more whereas before I would hold back and repress it,I am wanting to go for it now and it has brought out a newer fresher energy in me that I like.

It is all to do with coming out of my shell and the prison of control and abuse and liberating myself.

[BlueAngel109]

Thank you for giving me hope!!!!!!!!

[nicoleflynn]

Two books that were immensely helpful for me(after 31 years of verbalabuse): The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

[Marylin]

Hi Nicole,
I have read Townsend and Cloud,and yes, Patricia Evans,The Verbally Abusive Relationship opened my eyes after years of all the examples in her books being used on me by my abuser I could finally see the person responsible for driving me mad and making me ill was,using words to abuse me and play mind games.I gained back control when I read that book,I could make sense of what was happening and identify my abuser as my enemy.A really sick mind to use abuse for power and control.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Marylin

Once you have cut your abusers out of your life there is still quite a journey to recover.You have to heal your wounded emotions and discover your own independence ,automony and freedom.

For me going out there and living my own life carries the risk of having extreme fear,anger,pain emotional pain triggered by new acquaintances.There is the problems of recreating past abusive situations.Indeed a couple of friendships after I cut my abusive sister out of my life turned out to be with narcissists who used me and did not respect me.

I have learnt not to fear this happening but I am usually upset if it does.I saw in myself the pattern of being too kind,understanding and generous that attracted these kind of abusers to me.I took a long break from making new friends to get over the pain of having had them hurt me.Now I want to go back out there to make new friends,I am hoping I can attract good people who will respect me,and have things in common with me and will not judge me as inferior,many have done so in the past and I can't tolerate that again.

I have resolved however that should things go wrong again in this respect it won't matter or demolish me and upset me for long because I am no longer allowing anyone else to be central in my life or to matter so much.I will be central,my interests ,hobbies,goals will be central, people will come and they will go but who they are and what they do to me will matter much less to me that who I am,what I want and how they make me feel.

If they hurt me or affect me badly then they will be out my life and not matter at all.They will be minor bit players and I will toss them aside and forget about them.

Of course I will need to deal with the feelings and aftermath of their abuse and hopefully I am figuring out how to put a stop to these sort of people getting me as friends in the first place,but no more will they cause me hurt or damage,as soon as I suss them they are out of my life.

I prefer to be self sufficient unless I meet good people, God's people,people who care, love,share as equals.It is hard to meet people like that, it has been for me so far in my life but that is because I have always been controlled and my genuine side has been in hiding.I am coming out and being me and maybe going a bit for what I want instead of cowering in fear like usual.

I have developed more in confidence and my sensual side is coming out more and I find myself attracted and wanting to initiate more whereas before I would hold back and repress it,I am wanting to go for it now and it has brought out a newer fresher energy in me that I like.

It is all to do with coming out of my shell and the prison of control and abuse and liberating myself.

Im glad you are out of it and recovering!! I love reading the successes on here, it gives me hope.
Im still in the thick of the abuse, im devoured by confusion, shame, guilt and love. I have yet to leave for good. I hope I can learn to assert myself and face the problems. Right now, I'm just confused

[Marylin]

Hell Zedsdead,Unfortunately it is the love part keeps you in the relationship,but it won't come good no matter how hard you try because the fault doesn't lie with you or what you do the problem is with the abuser.You are confused cos the narcissist has somehow convinced you you are the problem if only you could change you,try harder,be more,loving,understanding, grateful, etc hence the guilt and shame.**** that,it is the nasty,violent verbal,emotional,abuser,controller,bully to blame for it all.You won't get your head straight or stop being confused or feeling guilt and shame until you walk away and go No contact!It is the only way to find health,freedom,peace.That's it.Years of pain and deliberation it all boils down to one thing,to survive this and have a life with good feelings in it you have to give up your abuser and walk out,leave,end the relationship.I am glad reading about our success gives you hope,assert your right to a good life and leave,you won't regret it you'll wonder why you didn't do it ages ago.

[Zedsdead]

Thanks for the encouragement Marilyn and thank you for sharing your struggle too. Im trying to spend some time on these forums to make sense of everything and come to a peaceful but assertive decision.
My partners abuse is so subtle. I feel like a child, anxious to do any wrong in fear of being ridiculed. He tells me all the time how much he cares, how much he loves me and our children. Yet he doesn't show it...
When I express my feelings he laughs it off and refuses to take me seriously. If i tell him im leaving, he gets angry and says im ruining our family because im overly sensitive and needy. I feel alone and taken for granted.
I was waiting for him to go away to work so I could just leave without the big uproar he throws when iv tried in the past... now he's gone the abuse is gone. I feel FREE. I am happy, my days are enjoyable and stress free.

Yet he texts and calls me and the kids everyday to ask how we are and tell us how much he loves us.. the guilt has set in. How can I leave someone who loves us so much? My heart feels broken. I just want him to stop his awful ways so we can be a family.. and i feel ashamed I haven't just left already.
It is the most confusing situation I have ever been in.
Am I in an abusive relationship and need to leave? Or am I over sensitive and need to focus on the positives instead of the negatives?
I don't honestly know.

[Marylin]

Actions speak louder than words Zedsdead,a narcissist will say whatever it takes to get what he wants,but as you say he doesn't deliver the actions behind the words,he will say he loves you but his actions say he doesn't.It is abuse to say to someone expressing their genuine feelings of discontent that they are over sensitive and needy.

He has gone and you feel free your days are happy and enjoyable but he doesn't like that hence he calls you everyday proclaiming his love,if you go back to him he can turn round anytime he acts badly and say you don't know your own mind,it is a trap,he is trying it on cos he can he is trying to get you to change your mind and with that come the fact he will put all the blame at your door.

He won't take any responsibility for the split he will act worse than before and make you doubt yourself and your sanity bring you to the point of destroying you,your mind,sanity,safety and say it is all your own doing even though his words and actions are causing your confusion and you feel like you are going mad,then when you decide to dump him again he will come back with more proclamations of love.

On and on it will go this cycle of crazymaking behaviour for as long as you allow it.There is no other way it can go because THE NARCISSIST WILL NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.It always comes back to this this is the stumbling block,if he could acknowledge his faults and how he emotionally negates you and is emotionally unavailable and abusive,things could be changed but that WILL NEVER HAPPEN,cos narcissists see no ones feelings except their own,they are never to blame they won't except it,they may say they do to keep you but they don't mean it and they won't change their actions or behaviour and they won't stop the abuse.

If your partner has left do yourself and your family a favour and don't let him come back,it is for the best in the long term I promise.No good ever comes from an emotionally abusive partner, they never change either even if they promise they will they won't.Best of luck getting your head round things if he comes back it will be the start of another nightmare that gets harder and harder to get out of,do you really wants all that fear,guilt and confusion to start up again?All I can say is don't go there!

[WrkNPrgress]

I want to come back to this thread and read it more throughly when I have the time but in the meantime, I just wanted to say congrats to you, Marylin and I'm at a similar state in my life.

It's hard to figure out the boundaries with people when you're in a vulnerable state. defining that will help a lot. I'm working on mine.

I just posted a thread about how I finally see that this is a Recovery (copying from the other thread)...
My Therapist and I figured out that I have been in and out of toxic relationships for about 17 years. This includes only two Long-Term Relationships ( Toxic Partner No. 1 was a full on Narcissist. Toxic Partner No. 2 had borderline traits and was verbally abusive) but there was very little 'single' time in between and I didn't do any serious dating (and one of those that I did date was a Narcissist as well.)

I was always still absorbed with Toxic Partner No. 1 while 'single' and well up into my LTR with Toxic Partner no 2.

In short, I've never taken the time to truly recover. I realize now why this is so hard. I'm actually making a very holistic Whole-life change. Like someone who's been addicted- I guess - I'm recovering from co-dependency and toxic partners. Breaking the pattern in abusive partners is a kind of bad-drug and self-abuse recovery.

Maybe it's an obvious thing but for some reason this never clicked with me.

[Zedsdead]

Thanks Marilyn, i feel it in my gut that hes not good for me, it's the constant anger and lack of empathy that really got me thinking something wasn't right.
But with the way our arguments went, it was always something I was upset about and I blamed myself for overreacting.
It wasn't until our 2nd pregnancy that he started to really show his true colours. I just thought that stressful situations were causing it..
Since I have accused him of being abusive, the behaviour is subtle but still there. Little things like not helping with the kids and then being angry with me and ignoring me for days for asking, when I try to talk to him about anything he will laugh or ignore me. If i try to start up conversation with him about non serious, he acts uninterested and walks away mid sentence. Which leaves me feeling extremely lonely since I'm a stay at home mother to our children, i dont have any friends.

It's complicated because every time I have asked him to leave, he accuses me of wanting to sleep around and being a bad mother for wanting that. He will threaten that he will smash our shared vehicle so I can't keep it, threaten to take my kids away etc. I stopped trying to get him to leave because it caused so much uproar and upset that I was drained and depressed. Now that he's gone away working there is no abuse. If i tell him it's over and not to come back, i am scared that he will do something stupid and causes a scene.
I just feel trapped and I hate it 😭

[Marylin]

Constant anger and resentment is a classic sign of a narcissist,I am sorry to say.The fact he has toned down the abuse and gone subtle since you called him up on it is a sign that he was doing it deliberately and he knows it was wrong,he is controlling it now so he doesn't lose you completely,but you must know this relationship is bad for you.

The signs he is a narcissist abuser are obvious to me cos I cut my abuser out of my life two years ago,it wasn't until I went no contact that I saw clearly that the behaviour was abusive and deliberate,same things your partner is doing to you,constant anger,resentment,paying lip service to my needs but continuing the abuse and making his own needs a priority,ignoring me,telling me I am too sensitive and needy,making me feel guilty for having feelings and a whole lot more.

I know how confusing and unclear it gets cos right now he is deliberately setting out to make your perceptions of abuse wrong,you will be made to feel accusatory,unfair,that you are imagining it and he will be striving to show you he loves you,so you will have lots of moments of thinking,he loves me how can I think he does that deliberately,I am being unfair etc

Then when you have let him back into your life 100% trusting again,the cycle of abuse will start up again only this time it will be more severe and worse,eventually it will become physical and he will hit you and then it will lead to incidents where your life will be under threat and in danger.This is what happened to me,all abusers follow this pattern.

My abuser was my family,my actual sister,she was so confident she had total control over me she started arranging thing to bring about my actual physical death,sabotaging DIY jobs in my house escalating psychological emotional abuse so my mental health would deteriorate and I would be unable to be helped by services and attacked by her with no one to turn to the plan was me committing suicide.My sister was very clever and it was carefully planned and executed.

Obviously I don't know your situation exactly but one thing known about narcissists they all have the same tactics in common.If what I have wrote here helps you I am very happy to share it.

If you don't think it is applying to you that is ok too.Trust your own judgement cos as you say you have experience of toxic relationships and men to go on.

I know you are scared to tell him it is over just be prepared before you break the news,alert your family and the police that he is a potential problem and you are breaking up with him.Have strong arm friends around if he comes back to town.

That is the best advice I can give.The fact you are scared of him when he finds out you are not wanting to be with him anymore proves it is a good idea to leave,it isn't a reason to keep having him in your life is it,to not know if someone is safe for you,to feel he isn't yet stay out of fear of his reaction being violent isn't right in my opinion.

I hope you can leave him.Stay safe,best wishes to you Zedsdead.

[Zedsdead]

Thanks SO much for sharing your story and advice. It has helped more than you know. I'm so sorry you to endure that with your own sister..
I agree on the similar tactics of narcissists. My mother is a narcissist and she lies and manipulates in the exact same manner.

I met with my therapist today, I was really upfront and honest about everything and we made a plan of action together for me leaving and she is helping with support as I have no close friends or family around. I leave to the womens shelter on Monday.. im nervous but feeling SO much more positive about the situation and less alone now.
I don't feel as confused or feel like I have an invalid reason to go to a womens shelter.
Thanks again

[Marylin]

This blog by Lisette helped me so much in my recovery and to make sense of what happened to me. House of Mirrors

I wish you all the best for the future and your strength and happiness Zedsdead.

Love and hugs,

Marylinx

[Marylin]

So I have realised recovery from a narcissist who has harmed you and your life isn't straightforward.I have learnt about narcissistic rage,which is what the narcissist feels for you after you cut them out of your life.They want revenge and if you have something they still want they will do whatever it takes to get it.Hence they will find ways to make you let them back in and will harass and stalk you.

All of which my narcissistic sister has done,manipulating me into talking to her over my mum's cancer and breaking into my house and gaslighting me.She is more or less stalking me and I realised mum was telling her everything about my life that I was sharing with her.So my sister was still getting supply one way or another what I don't give willingly she takes.

So it is a process, a learning one ,that takes time to block the narcissist out of your range completely so she can't get to me again.It is hard cos I still see my mum and niece both of whom are in contact with her regularly.

After the latest incident of suspecting she got into my house again,I blamed myself for not locking the inside patio door lock.But I am not to blame for her actions.

The anger almost demolished me I couldn't handle it and it became depression turned in on myself quite quickly.I was beating myself up and being self destructive on an emotional level.

Now I am getting resources together to handle this and turn the situation around.

Tomorrow I will ring the domestic violence support people that helped me last time.
And I have found this book which seems very useful.One of the factors it points out is how the narcissist uses the emotional hook to hypnotise us into empathy with them,whereas they have no empathy and deliberately use our empathy in their favour.We need to disengage from them emotionally and not respond with empathy to their position.We need to maintain non emotional, head not heart responses to them.They are dangerous to us,we must always respond from that very true basis.Keep them at a distance,don't let them in,don't give them information about you,or your life.

They are like a dangerous criminal you don't take chances with them.They are not the persona they presented to you,however long you have known them or think you have,the persona they present is a made up image.Any loved they showed you was faked.The real person,is nasty,selfish,violent and ugly beyond belief and would go as far as to kill you to satisfy their anger or get something they want from you.

So this is the book I hope will help me.It is so scary to know someone who wants you dead whom you have cut out of your life hasn't given up trying to hurt you and still wants to kill you.So I am hoping this book can help.As I hope the domestic violence people will and the CCTV that I will have installed as soon as I can afford it.

I am sharing this book with you I hope it is helpful to others in the same predicament trying to get a narcissist out of their life.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-Na...+shahita+arabi

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Marylin

So I have realised recovery from a narcissist who has harmed you and your life isn't straightforward.I have learnt about narcissistic rage,which is what the narcissist feels for you after you cut them out of your life.They want revenge and if you have something they still want they will do whatever it takes to get it.Hence they will find ways to make you let them back in and will harass and stalk you.

All of which my narcissistic sister has done,manipulating me into talking to her over my mum's cancer and breaking into my house and gaslighting me.She is more or less stalking me and I realised mum was telling her everything about my life that I was sharing with her.So my sister was still getting supply one way or another what I don't give willingly she takes.

So it is a process, a learning one ,that takes time to block the narcissist out of your range completely so she can't get to me again.It is hard cos I still see my mum and niece both of whom are in contact with her regularly.

After the latest incident of suspecting she got into my house again,I blamed myself for not locking the inside patio door lock.But I am not to blame for her actions.

The anger almost demolished me I couldn't handle it and it became depression turned in on myself quite quickly.I was beating myself up and being self destructive on an emotional level.

Now I am getting resources together to handle this and turn the situation around.

Tomorrow I will ring the domestic violence support people that helped me last time.
And I have found this book which seems very useful.One of the factors it points out is how the narcissist uses the emotional hook to hypnotise us into empathy with them,whereas they have no empathy and deliberately use our empathy in their favour.We need to disengage from them emotionally and not respond with empathy to their position.We need to maintain non emotional, head not heart responses to them.They are dangerous to us,we must always respond from that very true basis.Keep them at a distance,don't let them in,don't give them information about you,or your life.

They are like a dangerous criminal you don't take chances with them.They are not the persona they presented to you,however long you have known them or think you have,the persona they present is a made up image.Any loved they showed you was faked.The real person,is nasty,selfish,violent and ugly beyond belief and would go as far as to kill you to satisfy their anger or get something they want from you.

So this is the book I hope will help me.It is so scary to know someone who wants you dead whom you have cut out of your life hasn't given up trying to hurt you and still wants to kill you.So I am hoping this book can help.As I hope the domestic violence people will and the CCTV that I will have installed as soon as I can afford it.

I am sharing this book with you I hope it is helpful to others in the same predicament trying to get a narcissist out of their life.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-Na...+shahita+arabi

Thanks for sharing Marilyn. I wish you all the strength you will need to cut them out of your life once and for all.. i understand how hard it must be to cut immediate family out of your life, you mentioned they use your poverty against you and bait you with money. My mother does the same thing to me. It's pretty rough and leaves you feeling helpless doesn't it?
I'm a little worried about when I cut my partner out of my life, partly because we will still be connected somehow with children. I have lost all love for him, although I somehow still feel the guilt about leaving. I meet with the ladies from the shelter tomorrow to make a safety plan for leaving.
He is due home this weekend from home, he is returning my vehicle and im driving him back to work and keeping the car. He is going to be ANGRY when I tell him it is over. I'm so very nervous

[Marylin]

How about keep the car and let him find his own way back to work.Once you have ended it it all responsibility for him ends so don't give him a lift to work is my advice,make it clear he is on his own and responsible for his own transport,that is a clean break.
Don't be afraid have people with you ready to dive in and help you leave once you've told him.Better still tell him by text and then block him,or arrange for talk about the kids and visitation to happen via a solicitor.Don't make it hard make it easy.I told my sister by text I wouldn't see or speak to her again,I wrote her a letter telling her she is considered a danger to my health and safety.When you put it in those terms you don't normalise it as a straightforward no fault split.I am not surprised you feel scared and nervous.Do it the easy way by text and let the bastard get his own transport to work.

My news is my sister I am cutting out completely as the last two years and I won't be fooled or manipulated again into talking to her like she fooled me over mum's cancer.With mum it is more complicated cos she has supported me lately and I am not going to cut her off completely just distance myself,be careful what I tell her and lessen her influence on me.I will still visit her but less often and phone again less often.I am confident it will all be ok.

Best of luck with cutting your abuser out of your life I myself would do it by text you don't owe him anything,but it is your decision,I wouldn't risk the possible abuse of doing it face to face.I am rooting for you Zedsdead,best wishes.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Marylin

How about keep the car and let him find his own way back to work.Once you have ended it it all responsibility for him ends so don't give him a lift to work is my advice,make it clear he is on his own and responsible for his own transport,that is a clean break.
Don't be afraid have people with you ready to dive in and help you leave once you've told him.Better still tell him by text and then block him,or arrange for talk about the kids and visitation to happen via a solicitor.Don't make it hard make it easy.I told my sister by text I wouldn't see or speak to her again,I wrote her a letter telling her she is considered a danger to my health and safety.When you put it in those terms you don't normalise it as a straightforward no fault split.I am not surprised you feel scared and nervous.Do it the easy way by text and let the bastard get his own transport to work.

My news is my sister I am cutting out completely as the last two years and I won't be fooled or manipulated again into talking to her like she fooled me over mum's cancer.With mum it is more complicated cos she has supported me lately and I am not going to cut her off completely just distance myself,be careful what I tell her and lessen her influence on me.I will still visit her but less often and phone again less often.I am confident it will all be ok.

Best of luck with cutting your abuser out of your life I myself would do it by text you don't owe him anything,but it is your decision,I wouldn't risk the possible abuse of doing it face to face.I am rooting for you Zedsdead,best wishes.

How are things with you maralyn? Hoping everything is going good, did you make the move to cut your sister out?

A quick update, my partner who was away at work, came home yesterday for a night. The plan was for him to drive my vehicle up here and then me drive him back down so I wouldn't be left without a vehicle since I have the 3 kids.
My plan was to wait for a few weeks, he owes me 3000 dollars. He had taken it from my savings to pay to get up there. At the time I was desperate for him to get a job and start working away so I agreed.
Hes now trying to talk me into letting him take the vehicle again. I stood my ground even though I felt guilty about sending him 5 hours away with no vehicle. He doesnt even have a license anymore and the car is registered and insured in my name only... but we are joint on the car loan.

My son's were absolutely over the moon to see him, it made me second guess my decision to leave. We had a lovely day, we went food shopping. We cooked a big meal together and I was starting to feel torn.
Then last night our dog peed up his work bag. I heard him shouting at the dog, then I heard him hit him. He started hitting him multiple times over and over. I counted 10 punches so I ran over their crying and hit his back to get him off the dog... he was red in the face and was literally beating our dog.

I sat, crying and cuddling our dog while he was cowering and shaking. It was awful. I guess it was a reminder that his mentality will never change. He will always be a big bully.
He got paid 2200 for his first week at work. He spent all of it. Every penny and had none to give me or the kids and told us to hold on for another week... pretty hard when im out of diapers and food..
Its frustrating that I gave him the last of my money for food while he was away, he could have stretched it and ate cheap for 2 weeks.. but he chose to indulge and then borrow an extra 400 dollars and had to pay it back from this check.
While me and the kids went without and will most likely go without for another week.



I should write this down in my journal to remember that he will never look out for me and the kids or put us first. I seem to forget all the little things when it comes to leaving.

[Marylin]

You can't afford the luxury of losing focus and forgetting how nasty and potentially violent this man is Zedsdead.Spending all that money on himself when his wife and kids are struggling isn't someone worth having in your life.
Keep the car and make him go back on his own steam.Finish with him and go no contact is my advice.

My sister got cut out my life two years ago.I didn't speak to her or see her all that time.But last June I found out she kept my spare keys and had been letting herself into my home while I was out having meals with my niece.She moved stuff and brought stuff from mum's house that was mine to my place.You can imagine the shocke confusion and doubt when I found things in my house that I knew had been elsewhere.She also bought back small swimming costumes I had given her to take to charity.I swore and cursed and fretted and was in shock.I changed the locks.

End of last year mum got cancer and the narc sister used it as a reason to get me exchanging texts with her,she wanted to pump me for information on how to cure cancer via diet and to find out where I got my CBD from.
I ended that when I understood I was being used.
Then last week I suspected narc sis had let her self in again,cos I found old toothbrushes that didn't belong to me and other **** in my bathroom cabinet.I had gone out and left the internal patio door lock unlocked so she let herself in the back.
So actually I had cut her out of my life but she is punishing me for it and making it hard cos she still hates me and wants me dead.
I have nothing but hatred for her and want no more to do with her.I am getting CCTV.I understand now how she has no empathy,no feelings,no care for me whatsoever,it is all about her,getting her needs met and getting what she wants.I have no feelings or trust left for her at all and the person I did love wasn't real it was all fake love,pretence,and I guess she fooled me.