Just a bunch of ????

Hey all, Do we ever get them to go away !!
I had a dream about my father last night again, I have been really angry the past week... Seems as if I am all alone and never have time to myself , I know this does not make sense it is hard to explain ... I am sure this is triggering my nightmares I fight to stay awake now, I don't want to sleep, I keep my TV on all night my BF works nights so I have my puppy , Not the same !!! When he comes home, if I have no school he will come to bed and I have this feeling I have done something wrong I just Know he is mad at me..... I have told him this I have not explained where the feeling comes from ( My Childrens Abuser would stay up at night to see who I would talk about in my sleep ) And then he would wake me and yell at me and tell me I knew what I had done and knew what I was dreaming about...
I don't want to make my BF feel as if I am comparing him to my Ex, He is totally opposite of my ex and has never even yelled at me or cares what I dream about unless it's nightmares those he worries about.

He has asked me if I can open up to him and tell him what only few know about me, Only one man has never thrown it back into my face and If it was not for meeting him after my EX I would never have taken a chance on anyone again, For this I love him.. I Love my BF with all I am.. I am constantly worried he will leave for all the screwed up things in my head and in my life , he knows what has happened to my children in general terms as well as me very brief I hate my father and my Step mother ( she was with him when it all happened , over and over again) but not to many details..
Sorry rambling
Anyhow I close my eyes whenever I am exausted at night, And he invades my dreams !! I can feel the touch of his hands on my skin and I am helpless to get away I cannot even wake up anymore.. I relive every touch of his hands and her stupid smile as they entered my room and I prayed that it was not me tonight If I don't move he will go away.. I was young and I even wished maybe it was her daughter and not me this night. I hate myself for thinking that and it is the hardest thing to put this down, I feel it was an ugly thing to think to wish it away from me and onto her.. OMG !!! what kind of person thinks that?? Is it normal ?? She lived through this as well, After he got my stepmother involved he did not seem to bother her as much...Probably at her request.. But I don't know..Maybe just Anger at them has caused me to put the blame on her...
I had to see them for my aunts funeral, He walked up to my sister ( my oldest sister ) who had moved away already before he started in on me... And told her I am sorry for whatever grief I may have caused you over the years, You see he had abused her while she was my age for I don't know how long, She does not talk about it.. But when he divorced my mother, My sister and my older brother suggested to the judge I should go live with my father instead of my mom.. Who BTW is only an alcoholic and not a pedophile like my dad and my sister knew it...
I am angry at her for that..
Anyway enough... TMI in this post !!! I don't know what to do with these dreams tired of them I don't want to see him in my face anymore or feel his touch again.... So troubled... troubled1

I'm so sorry to hear all you're going through! No, it's not too much info. this is what this particular forum is here for!

I'm not sure if I remember right, but it seems like you said you weren't in counseling right now. I think it might be a good idea to look into that, if you can and want to.

You are not a bad person for wishing this had been happening to someone else and not to you. You were a child going through absolute hell. You're not bad.

Good luck to you in dealing with this. I wish I knew what I could say to help. My fingers are crossed for you

(((((((((((((((troubled1))))))))))))))) <-- only if ok

SC

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

first know we care an lot for you. Second, get help, you have to care about yourself too sweetie!!

find somebody that can help you feel better

gab

(((troubledone)))

It will go away, I can promise you that. I always thought that i'd have to live with this forever, have it take over my life like it did for the past 8 yrs, until recently, as little as up to 3 months ago I was as you know plauged with PTSD symptoms, but once you learn to cope, to let your self let go of the past, to not live with the guilt of the abuse, and be able to say I regret it, which we all do, but we didn't have a choice, doing that personally I was able to let go completely, telling myself that I regret that all what I went through happened was a major turning point for me in my recovery with my past issues. Since I was able to do it I wasn't feeling guilt or shame anymore, I wasn't stuck in the past anymore, I wasn't letting T,A,J,P,S,J,G,C ,G take over my life anymore....

And I won in the end, I have no more contact with those people, and those people did stuff to me from the years of 1996-2001...

Now I know that I am safe and in a healthy relationship...

The nightmares ended, the triggers are less, the body memories are less, and I feel free from this.

I'm sure that I will always live with PTSD and triggers, perhaps even body memories, but I refuse to let myself be stuck there again.


<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

wow, you are incredible. Brave you and I am so glad for you. You are healing with amazing strength.

Thank-You wise woman

(((troubled)))

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Thank You Wisewoman, I appreciate that.. Sometimes I try to make myself stronger and it works others NAHHH .... I am doing ok since this post but missing my friend alot, trying to convince myself I do not care... Does not work.... I loved her like a sister and now because she has to lie to everyone I cannot associate with it....
Anyway I am 8 days from my degree in Medical Assisting and happy to say I cannot wait.....
I was diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder last week and started a new med I was having an aggressive reaction to the other one and it was not nice I could feel my heart rate raising by the minute....... Anyway I am doing ok and will post more when I get home visisting an old friend in Phoenix at the moment......
Take care all and thank you for the support... Love troubled1

I too have many nightmares about my abuser who was my grandfather from the age of 8 until 15. I sometimes see him in my room I wake up and of course he is not there but it always seems so real. I have found that through my group therapy sessions I am not alone and survivors all at some point have these nightmares. My therapist suggested I write my abuser a letter and then tear it up, my abuser is deceased so I was never able to confront him. And no one in my family believed me. If someone were to tell ypu they were abused, how would we react. I have been away for awhile and have not read anything since March, But I am back and I am glad to see alot of support.

Thank everyone for listening.

((((troubled)))) I won't go into detail, but usually when you begin to remember your dreams or even a part of a bad dream, it means you are ready to begin knowing more about those events.

If we have nightmares, night terrors, but can't recall any or hardly any of them, it is just our selves preparing us in baby steps to ease into what is to come.

If we never make it to the point of being able to deal with/conquer those issues, then our unconscious won't reveal them to us.

So this is a sweet sorrow type of thing....

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I have put off going to therapy , I am afraid to drag up more of the past than I can handle , I know I am a strong person it takes alot to get me down... I have put it off long enough it is time to face the past head on and deal with it... Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone.. troubled1

Remember girl, it doesn't just go away like that, it tkaes time and paitents....Don't be afraid to drag up the pass, it's scary, but you can do this.....The only way to be rid of the past is to face this issues, get the treatment, and live like the way that you want to live it...

You are not alone, you know all the stuff i've been through, i've known you for awhile now. I use to put off telling my psychiatrist things because I was too scared to bring it up to her, but the longer I put it off the harder it got for me personally.

The best thing to do to help yourself is to talk about it. If you find it hard to talk about it, voicing it write it down on paper and bring it into your next session and let your doctor get the ball rolling. That is what I had to do, I couldn't voice it , and still have trouble doing so when my past comes up with my ex and the 'others' It's not an easy road, recovery never is, but look how far I've come. I'm now PTSD free, even though I still get symptoms from time to time, but I'm not plauged with it anymore.

Keep your head up and keep talking, that's the only real way you can free yourself from this kind of thing, learn to cope, learn to let yourself heal, learn to trust. There is hope, again look at me... I'm alive and free from the past .. you can get there too, I'll help ya....

((((Troubledone))))

I keep calling you that because it's habit from Broken Spirits.


<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

(((hugs))) A good T will not allow you to take on more than you are ready for... he/she will help you pace yourself... and usually your own mind will only give up--even in therapy--- what you can handle.

It might show you stuff visually, but you won't be able to interpret it yet. It is a kind of desensitization I think, that you become "used" to seeing a certain place... not knowing it... and then, once ready you get another piece of the puzzle and so it isn't all hitting you at once...

The mind is a wonderful device we have been given... it has protected you this far... it will continue to, trust it.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>