[NP_Complete]

I'm currently in an emotionally abusive marriage that I'm working on getting out of. I'm in therapy and attend group therapy for domestic violence survivors. There have been some things that are considered physically and sexually abusive, but he does not hit me.

There was an incident several days ago that seems to concern my therapist and therapy group, but for some reason didn't scare me. I was sleeping when my husband entered the room and woke me in the middle of the night. He wanted to talk, but I said something he didn't like so he said "I should shove this sock down your throat and kill you". Then he held my head down and shoved his sock onto my nose and mouth for a few seconds. A few minutes later he said "I have just enough energy to kill you right now" as I was walking out of the room past him. I didn't feel any fear during or after this incident. I think I don't even care anymore if he physically hurts me because he's about destroyed me with the emotional and verbal abuse.

Should I be more concerned about this incident than I am? I feel like I may be too close to the situation to judge if it was serious or not. I also feel like he wouldn't hurt me. He's always telling me he would never hurt me. My therapist is on vacation right now and is only sporadically available via email so I'm just trying to get a handle on my feelings, or lack of them, surrounding this incident.

[starfruit504]

I think this incident is definitely cause for concern. You say he wouldn't hurt you, but having your head held down while he shoves a sock into your nose and mouth is a physical assault. He says he won't hurt you, but he already has, and that's the reason you're in group to begin with.

You said he is both "physically and sexually abusive", which means there's every reason to believe the violence will escalate. Being hit isn't the definition of domestic abuse, and often the violence slowly escalates to being hit. This incident sounds like an escalation.

The situation is serious. It's difficult to see that when you've been systematically abused and degraded, made to distrust your judgment, having your personal boundaries violated under the threat of more violence. This could explain why your emotions are dampened and empty. Listen to the people around you who have been in your shoes. We want you alive and well, cherished and safe, which is everything you deserve.

[NP_Complete]

I think all of my thinking is skewed right now. There was a huge incident of verbal abuse 12 days ago that lasted for hours. Usually, this will be followed with a honeymoon period, but not this time. This time there have been almost daily assaults on my character. At least that's what it feels like to me. He paints me as an argumentative, abusive bully and I'm left feeling like the world's most unlovable person. I no longer have the ability to know if what he's saying about me is true. He also continually attacks me going to therapy by saying that I'm so gullible and socially inept that any time someone pays the least bit of attention to me, I'll believe anything they tell me, including that he's abusing me. Everyone is just telling me what I want to hear. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what he's said to me these last two weeks. It's been non-ending lately and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and dealing with a lot of self-loathing. On top of that, I feel awful about being so dependent on my therapist that I've emailed him multiple times while he's on vacation. He said it was okay and we even had one Skype session, but I feel like such a burden.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I think all of my thinking is skewed right now. There was a huge incident of verbal abuse 12 days ago that lasted for hours. Usually, this will be followed with a honeymoon period, but not this time. This time there have been almost daily assaults on my character. At least that's what it feels like to me. He paints me as an argumentative, abusive bully and I'm left feeling like the world's most unlovable person. I no longer have the ability to know if what he's saying about me is true. He also continually attacks me going to therapy by saying that I'm so gullible and socially inept that any time someone pays the least bit of attention to me, I'll believe anything they tell me, including that he's abusing me. Everyone is just telling me what I want to hear. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what he's said to me these last two weeks. It's been non-ending lately and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and dealing with a lot of self-loathing. On top of that, I feel awful about being so dependent on my therapist that I've emailed him multiple times while he's on vacation. He said it was okay and we even had one Skype session, but I feel like such a burden.

This is a serious situation. He likely is seeing your therapy sessions as a threat to his ability to control you. And that is what this is about, control and isolation.

I grew up watching my mother in a relationship very similar to this, although in her case it did include physical abuse also. I witnessed so much growing up, it haunts me to this day. Then there is the abuse he served up to me too.

Continue working on getting out of there.

[nicoleflynn]

This is an emergency situation; he has said he wanted to kill you..He said he wouldn't hurt you ,but he abuses you and wants to kill you..waiting is a mistake; women are killed every day in this country by a husband/partner; please dont be a statistic. When you are IN the situation, you are unable to see it for what it is. It is brainwashing, and your thinking is skewed. You shouldn't waste another minute in therapy.....the time is NOW to get out. Call the national domestic hotline; they will help yu make a plan to leave. Can you go somewhere and stay with someone NOW? Do you have enough money to go to a hotel? you can go to a shelter etc....I stayed for 31 years; so I understand all of the emotional stuff; you are numbed to the abuse. PLEASE, PLEASE do not wait, because it might be too late. In other words, it is like sitting in a burning house, and questioning whether you should leave. In other words, leave NOW and sort out everything else when you are safe and can think. This is where you will have to find the courage (and you can't depend on your therapist, or group therapy....and I wonder why they haven't told you that you should leave and how dangerous this is and helped you make a plan of escape)....and realize that this person is full of rage and anger and will never stop.....one sentence helped me to leave: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.......win." You can pm me if you like (I am a moderator of an abused survivors group).

[NP_Complete]

Both my therapist and my group have expressed their concern and have directed me to the local resources that can help me put together a plan. I went this week, at my T's urging, to the local DV agency and talked to them about safety planning.

As I'm sure you know, it's not always just as easy as leaving. I'm the sole breadwinner. My husband is an alcoholic and has other mental issues that he's on medication for. If I were to walk away, I'd be leaving the house that I pay for with no idea what he'd do to the place. If I were to kick him out of the house, he'd be living on the streets. He's also threatened to kill himself if I leave him and I can't deal with being responsible for his death either by suicide or by homelessness. I may not love him anymore because of the way he's treated me, but we've been together for 25 years and I can't just let him live under a bridge. I know these sound like excuses to everyone outside the situation, but I have to be able to live with myself.

Honestly, sometimes I wish he would just hurt me. People who've never lived with the emotional and verbal abuse, just don't get it. The friends I've tried to tell about this certainly don't understand and say the worst things to me. I didn't even label this as abuse until about 7 months ago. I've been so depressed and suicidal since figuring it out. There's so much self-hatred inside me for putting up with this for so long.

[starfruit504]

"Honestly, sometimes I wish he would just hurt me. People who've never lived with the emotional and verbal abuse, just don't get it."

I felt that way a thousand times. I've searched books to describe what my abuser did to me, I searched laws. It's like I wanted to read somewhere exactly my story and see a big red label that said "ABUSE" or "danger: get out of there". Something that would make it easier to get away from him or lock him up. It's just more complicated than that. Please have compassion for yourself because it's a complicated situation that you didn't create and your didn't ask for. Many people like myself didn't see the situation for what it was in the beginning - I was in my 30s before a therapist helped me to understand that what I experience during childhood was sexual abuse. The abusive relationship is distorted when you're in it, it's many-layered, that's why it's so hard to remove yourself from it.

He's not your responsibility. Your safety is your primary responsibility. "I have to be able to live with myself." -- The important word here is LIVE. You can't LIVE in this situation any longer. It's too dangerous.

You will be surprised at how well an abuser bounces back. He won't like it, he may try to make it hard for you, but he will land on his feet just like a cat. They always do.

Focus on the steps to get yourself out of this situation safely and responsibly, one step at a time, day by day. You have a very precious gift to give yourself: Life itself.

I know what it's like to feel like scum, but I know this with every fiber of my being: You are deserving of all the love and peace that this world has to offer. Nothing you can do will change that.

[NP_Complete]

I think for some reason my mind doesn't want to admit that sometimes I'm afraid of him physically. I've been walking around for days now with a very low-level feeling of anxiety. Night before last, I said something he didn't want to hear and he told me "I ought to kill you for saying that." I responded "well come on then." He came back with "No, really, I ought to kill you." He wasn't in the same room with me and didn't come near me, but it's like he's growing more comfortable saying out loud that he'd like to kill me. He's said it twice this week.

According to him, his psychiatrist has been telling him that it's healthy for him to express his anger. She's not aware of several major factors though. First, that he's an alcoholic. She's also not aware of the way he treats me. The way he's expressing his anger is not good. There was an "incident" two weeks ago during which he came into the kitchen where I was doing stuff and started doing things like picking up the toaster and slamming it hard onto the counter and slamming the cabinet door right next to me so hard that the handle is now crooked. I was really scared during this incident. I've been extremely jumpy around any loud noises he makes since then.

I feel like his psychiatrist is unknowingly giving him permission to act like this and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with her. I've never met her. I'm sure I've been painted as an abusive bully and I'm not sure she'd believe me if I told her what was really going on. I've been afraid to talk to her because I'm a terrible liar and I don't see how I can keep his alcoholism a secret and discuss our actual problems. He thinks she will take his medications away from him if she learns that he drinks. The only reason I've never spoken to her is because I'm afraid of him getting angry at me for making him lose his medication. (He's on adderall and clonazepam.)

I think he's also actively portraying our relationship way different than it actually is. He claims he told her that we had sex recently. We haven't had sex since last August when he decided to ignore me when I asked him to "please stop" multiple times. He didn't violently force me, but I did not want to have sex with him. I could have physically stopped him, but I didn't want to hear whatever mean things he would say to me if I forced him to stop. He claimed later that he thought I was playing out some sort of rape fantasy with him, something we'd never done before. He said it was "super hot". I just felt violated, but in a very confusing way. I feel like I ought to be over this incident by now, but I just can't move past it. It's not like a stranger attacked me in an alley. It's been almost a year. Why do I still feel hurt over this?

[nicoleflynn]

He is using emotional blackmail (telling you that he will commit suicide); that is a way to control you and make you feel guilty. We are NOT responsible for what another adult does....You have to save your life, and yu can do nothing to help him. I hope yu won't wait too much longer to leave, and of course I understand; I stayed for 31 years! Your mind is twisted because of an ongoing onslaught of verbal and physical abuse. It would be my suggestion (repeating myself) to call the police for an escort out of the house....pack a bag of essentials, papers, taxes, house info,etc....you cannot think logically while there with him....In other words, find safety and then work on everything else. He sounds like a narcissist (most abusers are), and narcissists do NOT kill themselves; they are selfish, and care ONLY for their needs. Try to turn that self-hatred into, hating what has been done to you. You still feel hurt because he violated you. He violates you physically, sexually and emotionally. Why is he seeing a psychiatrist?..unless he is seeing one because he wants to stop being abusive; what is the point? Have you contacted the national violence hotline? Make sure if you do, he isn't around; abuser s dont' want anyone to know their secret, and it would be dangerous. If yu stay out of guilt (I understand); yu may never be able to leave and the behavior/violence will escalate until you are so beaten down and confused, you won't leave. I hope you will leave soon; you are taking a chance with your life. xo P.S. Over 18,000 women were murdered by their husbands/partners in 2003.....

[mimsies]

This is out of hand, hon. You need to do whatever it takes to safely get away from him. As harsh as it sounds, it really *is* that simple.

He needs to leave the property, and frankly so do you, because he is very dangerous.

He isn't your responsibility. If he becomes homeless and lives on the street, it is because he chooses to do so. If he kills himself, it is because he chooses to do so and has nothing to do with you. No matter how long you have been together, or what he says. It is all about his own choices. If his alcoholism causes him problems, that is because he is choosing to keep drinking, and it isn't your responsibility. It is not your responsibility to deal with his psychiatric problems. He has a psychiatrist. He is an adult and it is his responsibility to figure out how to take care of himself. There is SSI, and other community programs. If he chooses not to try them, it is because that is his choice.

About his psychiatrist, she probably knows he is lying to her. He is undoubtedly lying to you about what she says. Just because he tells you that she says it is healthy for him to express his anger, doesn't mean she actually told him that what he is saying to you is OK. He admits to lying to her, why do you believe that he is honest with you? He isn't an upstanding citizen who engenders trust and loyalty. He is an abusive, lying, narcissistic cretin.

He chooses to behave the way he behaves and live the way he lives. That is not your responsibility. No matter what he has been through, what problems he has, in the end it all comes down to the fact that he is violent and controlling and a danger to you, because he chooses to be.

He has knowingly assaulted you physically, and sexually, and has threatened your life verbally. If someone else were telling you this story, it would be clear to you that they are in grave danger, and that the person by whom they are being abused is a predatory criminal.

He needs to leave the premises and you need to be safe. The details are just distractions from the fact that your life is in danger and that requires immediate action.

[Ripdlc]

Sweetie, of course you should be concerned! YOU MATTER! Love isn't supposed to feel this way. Please, please leave before it's too late. I know how hard it is to be in abusive relationship. My ex husband used my love for him to manipulate me. That's what is happening with you...please PM me anytime! Keep me posted on how you are doing. I'm glad that you aren't isolated because that can be dangerous. Take care!

[NP_Complete]

There were several more incidents where he verbally threatened to kill me and one incident of physical violence where he kicked me and threatened to burn me with a cigarette. The last incident was the one where he set a fire in our living room floor. There's another thread on here about that. He's in jail right now.

So, I guess I should have been concerned.