How long does it take to heal?

How long does it take to heal from emotional and psychological abuse?

I know the first step is to end the abusive relationship. Then what? Even after you have ended the relationship that person still lives on in your memories.

If you have broken a trauma bond and are healing form it I would love to hear from you.

I think the length of time would be different for every person.And some people never truly heal.

That is not good. So then what?

Therapy helps.

And after therapy?

I don't think anyone can give step by step instructions when it comes to healing.Just as the length of time it takes to heal would be different for everyone,so would the methods/treatments. What may work for one person may not work for another.

There's no one size fits all for this,unfortunately.

The process of growth goes on forever; it's the pain of the trauma that eventually dissipates.

Healing begins in therapy, but you have to do your homework too.

Living in the present moment is very important for me. Reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle, daily meditation, zen study. Learning to stop living the past, correcting my mindset whenever my brain goes to the past -- or to the future, has taken my anxiety level way down, gave me room to breathe. I do not believe my identity is rooted in the past and that gives me some spaciousness between the trauma and my self in the present moment.

I went no contact with my abuser in 2015 because I knew I HAD to. But I didn't know that it would lead me down a path where I don't worry about him. I don't hear him in my head. I don't have traumatic dreams anymore. In fact, when I do dream about him, he's just as normal as can be -- not really anything like he was during our relationship. I don't look back on our relationship with regret. I see it as a flashpoint for tremendous growth in my life. I never thought I'd say this but I actually learned to love myself after all this, for the first time in my life, I'm in my 30s. I finally actually know what it is to love myself.

I never thought I would, but I have forgiven him. Of course he doesn't know that. Because forgiveness is for me -- not for him.

Be patient with yourself. Truly love yourself.

Ah, over 2 years no contact, no wonder. How did you do it? Although I ended the romantic relationship over 2 years ago, they were still emailing me as of Thursday. They still have unfinished business with a member of my church so that keeps the wound open. They also had established their presence in my work life, so that's going to take time to distance myself from as well. Basically this person insinuated themselves into my family, church and even job and not a whole lot of time has passed since seeing that person in those areas. Its only been a few months since I have seen them.

Be patient and take a hard line. Make a real finite boundary and enforce it. Change your email. I blocked him from mine. I got a new phone number (sure it's unfair, I had the same number forever, but it's worth having him out of my life). Go cutting the strings every place he's attached to you, e.g., financially, socially.

Avoid him. Go to new places, meet new people, do new things. It's not fair. It's not fun that they get to "keep" some of the friends or family after you go NC. But it's so much better than staying in contact. It takes time to build a new social structure, but little by little you can. Even work-wise, you can gravitate further away from him -- and the nice thing about professional relationships is that there is a real obvious code of conduct that states "this is appropriate" and "this is totally inappropriate."

Full, true NC is a gift you give yourself. Other people may not "get it" or it may be hard at first, but it's totally a loving gift.

leomama,
I came on to get info re redness/flushing, headache & anxiety.
my x is 'leaning' into me hard' again altho we r separated (it seems that he is angry that I am slowly getting on with my life, altho he moved on with his), so i feel the emotional abuse even tho relationship is over. we are parents so even tho I want NOTHING to do with him, child is used as means to contact (intend to address that too).

The only thing I can think of to answer your question is that healing varies relative to individuals. we all have different brains, conditioning, socialization - so even if we share similar traumas, we all internalize & experience differently.Its a toughie to answer since I dont think there is one clear answer.

i do agree with therapy & it is also important to note that we CAN change our brains depending on the therapy, approach we take & what is th erg t'fit' for us on a personal level. starfruit is right - it takes time.we are lucky to be part of this era where neuroscience is proving that we can change ...

mind you healing brain/mind is not as simple as body ... BUT if you get help, emotional support, practice new habits, new ways of thinking, less toxic ppl. more little successes, then you are literally growing new networks.

it isn't easy, but possible.

i am only embarking on this myself now that it is over. Overtime, whenever i managed a little success, he undermined .. so it is more challenging if there are children involved.
(i got advice 4 that here at forum recently )

there will be good & bad days but release as many negatives from your life to help you get started. Good luck with your endeavours. Best

(((leomama))),

Honestly, it's different for everyone. The first step is to break away if the individual is abusive and you have gotten so you can no longer function around that individual. Then you will need therapy so you can access the damage the relationship caused to you as a person. Your goal is to learn better ways of protecting your boundaries, identifying the ways the other person invaded and disrespected your boundaries and developing new ways of defending your boundaries so this individual no longer has the same kind of power over you. It will take you time to regain your sense of self esteem back as that is what toxic people attack the most which is why it takes time to heal and rebuild "self" again gradually.

Did all that. I think what I need to do is get to a place where I don't care what others think and I don't need anyone.

I confronted and talked it out. I didn’t get the responses I would have liked, but that part helped. I also vented about it by writing and getting support from friends. Then, magically, a lot of those hurt feelings lifted and I feel like I can let it go and move on.

I must add though, that I was very careful about the confrontation so it did not backfire and devastate me worse.

You just have to love yourself and want peace and happiness for yourself and you will get there.

I think I just want to stop hearing his voice in my head however even saying that feels violating as he said the very same thing to me in a very hostile manner. The only way I can figure it is he had no identity so he took what I was giving him and threw it back at me. He basically became me. That was very disturbing. He mirrored everything back to me, so when the relationship completely disintegrating he was saying all the stuff to me that I should have been doing for myself. It was very unsettling. If I say I want him out of my head I hear him saying very angrily that he had to go to therapy to get me out of my head and what I did to him and the lies I told him, which in reality is what he did to me. It was insane.

I know just what you mean by this ((leomama)).

Often when someone else has a strong voice in your mind that often comes from how the other person tended to throw out comments towards you needing to have their feelings always be the loudest. I figured out that was one of the things most of my flashbacks and triggers were reflecting. I experienced a lot of situations where others needed to take their anger and frustrations out on me, to the point where they even raged at me even when I did absolutely nothing wrong.

I think the desire is to regain your sense of control back.

I don’t know if the words and snaps of memories ever stop. But, that heavy feeling of despair, depression, anger of it, can lift.

Yeah I don't really have an adult in my corner, a constant, and thats ok, my daughter will be a legal adult this year and then she can be my constant. Right now its just me.

I just read his last email last Thursday, so as long as I don't read his emails, I'm good. I had asked him to please stop emailing me and of course he continued.

Its so hard to let go of someone, but that's what I have to do.

I don't feel despair or depression, I do feel anger if I think about it so I try not to think about it. I have so much going on at work and church and home that I don't need to think about him. Its unfortunate I don't have a husband/partner/boyfriend/significant other/lover but that's the way it goes.

Healing is a process. There is no set time limit. I've Read a ton of books in the past year about abuse and healing. Everyone has different ways of dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship.
I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who understands abuse & it's impact on the abused. Therapy can help you define boundaries, identify what you want to do with your life and encourage you to process/work through the pain you've suffered. As bad as it's been, you can come out of this a wiser and stronger person. I am trying very hard to look at it as a learning experience of who to avoid and how to love & protect myself from emotional vampires.
I hope you find the help/support you need to help you get past the pain. You are not alone, even though it often feels that way. Other survivors understand and are rooting for you.
Good

I've actually gotten a lot of therapy. I think I'm at the point where I don't care anymore, I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time.