[eelsauces]

I've been wondering for a while if my parents are emotionally abusive, but I'm not sure if they are or if I'm just too sensitive. Apologies for the long post, but I'm not sure where else to go.

The main problem I have is that they invalidate my feelings a lot, especially when I try to tell them about my mental health issues. When I've been suicidal in the past, it feels like telling them just makes things worse - I've been called a brat, irresponsible, selfish, things like that because I have a tendency to be more suicidal when things happen like I'm doing worse in school and have to catch up to all of it. They tell me I just need to be responsible and don't listen when I try to express that I'm just too overwhelmed. When I tried to tell them I think I have BPD and explain to them why I think so, it was brushed off immediately. My parents refuse to take me to a therapist anymore because, according to my step dad, I'll go there and lie and convince the therapist that I "see aliens in my room at night".

Last time I told him that I had needed to call the suicide prevention hotline, he told me that he should be the one calling because my behavior was so distressing to him; when I asked him if I actually made him want to die, he said that no, of course I don't, because he knows how to deal with problems. And my mom gets angry at me for picking at my skin too much, even though she does the exact same thing. They refuse to believe that I'm being honest about the things that are going on in my head and that means I'm entirely unable to get the professional help I know I need.

Then, when I try to confront them about their behavior, and tell them that what they're doing is harmful, it gets turned around so that I'm the one who's treating everyone else so horribly. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to believe the things they say: that I'm just a brat doing everything for attention, which just makes me feel worse. Am I just being unreasonable, or am I actually being mistreated? And am I allowed to be upset over the way I'm being treated?

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by eelsauces

I've been wondering for a while if my parents are emotionally abusive, but I'm not sure if they are or if I'm just too sensitive. Apologies for the long post, but I'm not sure where else to go.

The main problem I have is that they invalidate my feelings a lot, especially when I try to tell them about my mental health issues. When I've been suicidal in the past, it feels like telling them just makes things worse - I've been called a brat, irresponsible, selfish, things like that because I have a tendency to be more suicidal when things happen like I'm doing worse in school and have to catch up to all of it. They tell me I just need to be responsible and don't listen when I try to express that I'm just too overwhelmed. When I tried to tell them I think I have BPD and explain to them why I think so, it was brushed off immediately. My parents refuse to take me to a therapist anymore because, according to my step dad, I'll go there and lie and convince the therapist that I "see aliens in my room at night".

Last time I told him that I had needed to call the suicide prevention hotline, he told me that he should be the one calling because my behavior was so distressing to him; when I asked him if I actually made him want to die, he said that no, of course I don't, because he knows how to deal with problems. And my mom gets angry at me for picking at my skin too much, even though she does the exact same thing. They refuse to believe that I'm being honest about the things that are going on in my head and that means I'm entirely unable to get the professional help I know I need.

Then, when I try to confront them about their behavior, and tell them that what they're doing is harmful, it gets turned around so that I'm the one who's treating everyone else so horribly. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to believe the things they say: that I'm just a brat doing everything for attention, which just makes me feel worse. Am I just being unreasonable, or am I actually being mistreated? And am I allowed to be upset over the way I'm being treated?

You are deffinately allowed to be upset . You are continuously reaching out to them for help and their not understanding you or being open minded or helpful . I do not think they are deliberately abusing or mistreating you . It sounds like they may be scared and in denial or not wanting these problems to be true .
They are not a great support network for you . I think you may need to seek help on your own if they are not willing to do so . I really hope you get the help you need .

You are most certainly being mistreated and verbally/emotionally abused. Terms such as selfish, brat, irresponsible, etc, are character assassination terms, which is abusive. Turning the tables around on you and blaming YOU, when you try to tell them how you feel about their treatment of you, is abusive. Invalidating your feelings is abusive. So yes, you are being emotionally abused, and I am very sorry to hear it. As the poster above says, they are not a good support for you. Can you seek additional outside support on your own? I hope?

And yes, you have every right to be upset. Please don't internalize their characterizations of you -- those are their twisted words that hold no value or validity. Keep your head high and believe in yourself and your own reality of what is happening with you. (((((((Hugs))))))))

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

You are most certainly being mistreated and verbally/emotionally abused. Terms such as selfish, brat, irresponsible, etc, are character assassination terms, which is abusive. Turning the tables around on you and blaming YOU, when you try to tell them how you feel about their treatment of you, is abusive. Invalidating your feelings is abusive. So yes, you are being emotionally abused, and I am very sorry to hear it. As the poster above says, they are not a good support for you. Can you seek additional outside support on your own? I hope?

And yes, you have every right to be upset. Please don't internalize their characterizations of you -- those are their twisted words that hold no value or validity. Keep your head high and believe in yourself and your own reality of what is happening with you. (((((((Hugs))))))))

Thank you, and the above poster, for your support. I'm not sure where else I could go to get help - even posting on these forums is risky, I can't usually access them unless I'm at school. Other than that, since I'm a minor and still medically dependent on them, almost everything will circulate back to them somehow. If I talk to a school counselor about feeling mentally ill, they'll have to tell my parents because that would be the only way to get me the treatment I need. And that would defeat the purpose of talking to a counselor instead of my parents in the first place.

Identifying that I'm being mistreated seems to be helping me keep a bit of a grip on reality at the moment, but it's incredibly difficult to convince myself that it isn't all my fault.

[ohmydaisy]

I agree with the others, you have a right to be upset for them invalidating your feelings. My father's the same way and would say things like what your step-father said "I know how to handle things" etc.

It may have to be something you have to seek on your own. I hope there is a therapy treatment plan that will work with you. I found Open Path Collective which works with what you're able to pay. And they do it through video conferencing, so it's easier on those that aren't able to drive or have conditions that prevent them from leaving the comfort of their home. I hope that helps.

Originally Posted by eelsauces

Thank you, and the above poster, for your support. I'm not sure where else I could go to get help - even posting on these forums is risky, I can't usually access them unless I'm at school. Other than that, since I'm a minor and still medically dependent on them, almost everything will circulate back to them somehow. If I talk to a school counselor about feeling mentally ill, they'll have to tell my parents because that would be the only way to get me the treatment I need. And that would defeat the purpose of talking to a counselor instead of my parents in the first place.

Identifying that I'm being mistreated seems to be helping me keep a bit of a grip on reality at the moment, but it's incredibly difficult to convince myself that it isn't all my fault.

What if you told the counselor about your parent's mistreatment of you, the lack of support you receive from them over mental illness, and your concerns that it will backfire against you by asking the counselor for help? It couldn't hurt to explain your situation at home, your concerns and fears, and see what the advisor has to say? She/he may have a solution for you. At the very least, it's a step you could take.

As far as internalizing or believing your parents' unjust words towards you, it is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are suffering, or that you have mental illness. None of that is your fault, so please don't believe their false words.

You need to look at them as emotionally unbalanced people. You need to view them differently. They are not emotionally altogether there. Otherwise, they would be 100% supportive, they would trust you at your word, and they would get you the help and treatment you need. Try to view them as dysfunctional, and therefore, what they say, their words towards you, come from a place of malfunction. Once you see them as being apart from normal parents, then their words towards you won't stick as much or have as much weight or value. What YOU think, feel and believe to be real is most important. You need to feel validated and supported in your struggles.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

What if you told the counselor about your parent's mistreatment of you, the lack of support you receive from them over mental illness, and your concerns that it will backfire against you by asking the counselor for help? It couldn't hurt to explain your situation at home, your concerns and fears, and see what the advisor has to say? She/he may have a solution for you. At the very least, it's a step you could take.

As far as internalizing or believing your parents' unjust words towards you, it is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are suffering, or that you have mental illness. None of that is your fault, so please don't believe their false words.

You need to look at them as emotionally unbalanced people. You need to view them differently. They are not emotionally altogether there. Otherwise, they would be 100% supportive, they would trust you at your word, and they would get you the help and treatment you need. Try to view them as dysfunctional, and therefore, what they say, their words towards you, come from a place of malfunction. Once you see them as being apart from normal parents, then their words towards you won't stick as much or have as much weight or value. What YOU think, feel and believe to be real is most important. You need to feel validated and supported in your struggles.

I totally agree with this post . It's a very good idea .

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

What if you told the counselor about your parent's mistreatment of you, the lack of support you receive from them over mental illness, and your concerns that it will backfire against you by asking the counselor for help? It couldn't hurt to explain your situation at home, your concerns and fears, and see what the advisor has to say? She/he may have a solution for you. At the very least, it's a step you could take.

As far as internalizing or believing your parents' unjust words towards you, it is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are suffering, or that you have mental illness. None of that is your fault, so please don't believe their false words.

You need to look at them as emotionally unbalanced people. You need to view them differently. They are not emotionally altogether there. Otherwise, they would be 100% supportive, they would trust you at your word, and they would get you the help and treatment you need. Try to view them as dysfunctional, and therefore, what they say, their words towards you, come from a place of malfunction. Once you see them as being apart from normal parents, then their words towards you won't stick as much or have as much weight or value. What YOU think, feel and believe to be real is most important. You need to feel validated and supported in your struggles.

That may be something I can do. It would be difficult, but I might have to tell a counselor soon. I don't know if I'm ready to yet though.

I appreciate the kind words. I know that logically my mental illnesses aren't my fault, but the feeling of guilt is there. It might not go away for a long time, since it's already been there for a while.

I do my best to think about the whole situation rationally. My mom had a rough childhood and didn't really have any good parental figures, so as upset as she makes me I can at least feel bad for her and understand where she's coming from. My step dad, though... I'm not sure what his deal is. He isn't very nice to my mother, and I kind of resent him more for that.

Originally Posted by eelsauces

That may be something I can do. It would be difficult, but I might have to tell a counselor soon. I don't know if I'm ready to yet though.

I appreciate the kind words. I know that logically my mental illnesses aren't my fault, but the feeling of guilt is there. It might not go away for a long time, since it's already been there for a while.

I do my best to think about the whole situation rationally. My mom had a rough childhood and didn't really have any good parental figures, so as upset as she makes me I can at least feel bad for her and understand where she's coming from. My step dad, though... I'm not sure what his deal is. He isn't very nice to my mother, and I kind of resent him more for that.

Do it when you're ready, but it sounds like you could really use some support.

My dad emotionally abused me -- when I took on the perspective of his rough childhood like you are now, it made sense to me. He didn't learn how to properly support his own children because he had really poor role models himself. That's great you can have perspective about your mother and conjure up some amount of compassion. My dad wasn't all that nice to my mother either, and I hated him for it as a teenager, so I can relate. There's unfortunately not much you can do in that situation except to take good care of yourself and hold onto thoughts about yourself that are more positive and loving. Learning self-love and positive self-talk will be important for your development and future relationships.

[Albatross2008]

In general, if you feel a need to ask whether it's abuse, then most likely there is some kind of abuse going on.

In your case, absolutely.

I'm not even sure how much of what's going on is actually mental illness on your part, and how much is you being gaslighted. (If you're not familiar with gaslighting, let me know, and I'll explain.)

The only thing I *might* be able to say in defense of your mother getting angry with you for doing the same thing she does is that it is natural not to want your children to develop the same flaws you've got, or pick up the same bad habits. I want my children to be better than me. But she's going about it the wrong way by yelling at you about it, especially when she doesn't seem to be taking any steps to correct her own behavior.

And your stepdad is just straight up emotionally abusing you.

When you speak to a counselor, as I think you should, tell them what you fear will happen if they discuss it with your parents. Better yet, tell them what has already happened when your parents see you trying to get help.

[eelsauces]

My mom caught me doing something other than schoolwork on my computer just a minute ago. I don't think she saw what I was doing - looking for online counselors - but she knows something is up.

I think I may be experiencing Complex PTSD, including what I realized are emotional flashbacks. I just want help. I just want to find help and they're taking it away more and more. Do they want me to die? I don't know what's real, I just want to know what reality is but they've taken it away from me and I can't trust myself so for all I know I'm overreacting.

I should be happy when I hear the dog coming down the stairs. I should be happy. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am because that dog only comes down when mom comes down. I shouldn't be afraid of her. But I'm so afraid of her, I'm afraid of both of them. I shouldn't keep seeing her coming around the corner when nobody's there. I shouldn't hear his voice when it's a car engine revving instead. I shouldn't default to getting nervous when I get a text but I do, because maybe it's them telling me that I'm in trouble again, that I did something wrong without realizing it. God, someone get me out of here.

[cryingontheinside]

I had mental health problems when I was a teenage living with family . It was undiagnosed at that time . I'm so sorry you are going through all this . I remember how hard it was . I was scared of my mum too . And I hated my step dad. He was horrible . My brother was mean too . The good news is you will be old enough one day to seek the help you need but that doesn't help you now and you do need help now. My heart goes out to you because I remember how hard it was for me too

Originally Posted by eelsauces

My mom caught me doing something other than schoolwork on my computer just a minute ago. I don't think she saw what I was doing - looking for online counselors - but she knows something is up.

I think I may be experiencing Complex PTSD, including what I realized are emotional flashbacks. I just want help. I just want to find help and they're taking it away more and more. Do they want me to die? I don't know what's real, I just want to know what reality is but they've taken it away from me and I can't trust myself so for all I know I'm overreacting.

I should be happy when I hear the dog coming down the stairs. I should be happy. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am because that dog only comes down when mom comes down. I shouldn't be afraid of her. But I'm so afraid of her, I'm afraid of both of them. I shouldn't keep seeing her coming around the corner when nobody's there. I shouldn't hear his voice when it's a car engine revving instead. I shouldn't default to getting nervous when I get a text but I do, because maybe it's them telling me that I'm in trouble again, that I did something wrong without realizing it. God, someone get me out of here.

[nicoleflynn]

This is verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I highly recommend it. Abusers are angry about things about themselves and takeit out on others. It is literally brainwashing. You can talk to the school counselor...unfortunately if they talk to your parents, you will be further abused....so perhaps you can talk to the counselor on an on-going basis for support.

[cryingontheinside]

It's terrible . There must be some help for minors that is completely confidential . I keep coming back to this post because I feel you really need help and I really want you to get it . I know there are confidential help lines but I know you can't just use these like when you are at home because of family . Let us know how you are and if you managed to reach out to anyone

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

It's terrible . There must be some help for minors that is completely confidential . I keep coming back to this post because I feel you really need help and I really want you to get it . I know there are confidential help lines but I know you can't just use these like when you are at home because of family . Let us know how you are and if you managed to reach out to anyone

Luckily I didn't get in any trouble for not focusing on homework (knock on wood...) but that just leaves me wondering if they're going to drag it up later. If I can get through the day without that, I should be in the clear.

I was able to find a couple places where I can chat online live with about these things, but as for help getting out of here, I don't know if there's anything I can do. I think a large part of my problem is that I always find myself trying to excuse my parents' behavior, and I have a difficult time convincing myself that I'm not just oversensitive like they say and that I do have a valid reason to be upset. They've invalidated my emotions a lot for as long as I can remember, so it'll take time to be able to trust that I'm not being stupid and dramatic.

I really appreciate everyone's support, it means a lot to me.

[Confusedxx]

Originally Posted by eelsauces

I've been wondering for a while if my parents are emotionally abusive, but I'm not sure if they are or if I'm just too sensitive. Apologies for the long post, but I'm not sure where else to go.

The main problem I have is that they invalidate my feelings a lot, especially when I try to tell them about my mental health issues. When I've been suicidal in the past, it feels like telling them just makes things worse - I've been called a brat, irresponsible, selfish, things like that because I have a tendency to be more suicidal when things happen like I'm doing worse in school and have to catch up to all of it. They tell me I just need to be responsible and don't listen when I try to express that I'm just too overwhelmed. When I tried to tell them I think I have BPD and explain to them why I think so, it was brushed off immediately. My parents refuse to take me to a therapist anymore because, according to my step dad, I'll go there and lie and convince the therapist that I "see aliens in my room at night".

Last time I told him that I had needed to call the suicide prevention hotline, he told me that he should be the one calling because my behavior was so distressing to him; when I asked him if I actually made him want to die, he said that no, of course I don't, because he knows how to deal with problems. And my mom gets angry at me for picking at my skin too much, even though she does the exact same thing. They refuse to believe that I'm being honest about the things that are going on in my head and that means I'm entirely unable to get the professional help I know I need.

Then, when I try to confront them about their behavior, and tell them that what they're doing is harmful, it gets turned around so that I'm the one who's treating everyone else so horribly. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to believe the things they say: that I'm just a brat doing everything for attention, which just makes me feel worse. Am I just being unreasonable, or am I actually being mistreated? And am I allowed to be upset over the way I'm being treated?

You are being emotionally abused by your parents. I hate to say this, but do you have any school counselors you can speak to regarding this? If you are feeling suicidal, and know you have issues that aren't being address the school can step in and get a case worker sent to your house. My father was extremely abusive and from what I remember we regularly had a case worker visiting and mandating that we attended counseling sessions. You are being tormented, belittled, and invalidated.

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

You are being emotionally abused by your parents. I hate to say this, but do you have any school counselors you can speak to regarding this? If you are feeling suicidal, and know you have issues that aren't being address the school can step in and get a case worker sent to your house. My father was extremely abusive and from what I remember we regularly had a case worker visiting and mandating that we attended counseling sessions. You are being tormented, belittled, and invalidated.

I'm currently considering going to my school counselor, or telling a teacher about the situation. It's just... difficult. As I've said before, I've sort of been conditioned to believe that I'm the one at fault, and while I know that that just gives all the more reason to tell someone, the doubt is a part of my psyche that I might not ever entirely get over.

I want to tell someone what's going on, but I'm so worried that things will just get worse. I was reading up on what happens when a case is reported to CPS, and it says that often the abusers are required to go to therapy or take parenting classes or something like that... It worries me, though, because my parents have occasionally "tried" to better themselves, but it made no lasting difference. I'm scared that they'll get better for a little bit if that happens, but go right back to how they act now...

[Confusedxx]

Originally Posted by eelsauces

I'm currently considering going to my school counselor, or telling a teacher about the situation. It's just... difficult. As I've said before, I've sort of been conditioned to believe that I'm the one at fault, and while I know that that just gives all the more reason to tell someone, the doubt is a part of my psyche that I might not ever entirely get over.

I want to tell someone what's going on, but I'm so worried that things will just get worse. I was reading up on what happens when a case is reported to CPS, and it says that often the abusers are required to go to therapy or take parenting classes or something like that... It worries me, though, because my parents have occasionally "tried" to better themselves, but it made no lasting difference. I'm scared that they'll get better for a little bit if that happens, but go right back to how they act now...

I know it's hard, but it happened with my father. They were forced to attend counseling and we had a worker coming to our house on a pretty regular basis. It was a while ago, and hard to remember...but it definitely improved the situation to some degree. If you aren't comfortable with a worker coming to the house, you can use this support system until you are 18 and can independently seek counseling.

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

I know it's hard, but it happened with my father. They were forced to attend counseling and we had a worker coming to our house on a pretty regular basis. It was a while ago, and hard to remember...but it definitely improved the situation to some degree. If you aren't comfortable with a worker coming to the house, you can use this support system until you are 18 and can independently seek counseling.

I've decided that I'm going to tell my school counselor. Everything I see for self help is stuff that I am nearly or entirely unable to do. I don't think I have much of a choice at this point. I have very limited freedom so I need to work with what I have. So, let's see what happens.

[eelsauces]

I was unable to speak with my school counselor today, but I did fill out a request form to see her.

I'm extremely nervous to go home though, because my step dad is working from home today and I'm worried that he might find something to be mad at me about again. He was frustrated this morning because I was wearing a hoodie even though it was going to be hot outside, and when I told him I was wearing it because it would be cold at school, he was still mad and told me - not asked, told - that I had to be wearing it for another reason or I would just go change. I wasn't wearing it for any other reason than for warmth, but I decided to just cooperate and change into a lighter shirt so he would stop telling me to "have some logic in the day". I ended up glad I had changed, because it was really hot on the bus, but he didn't need to be so aggressive about telling me to change, right...? He immediately jumped to treating me like an idiot, even after I gave what I thought was a good explanation... Is it okay for me to be upset about that?

[nicoleflynn]

ALL of your feelings are valid; trust your instincts and feelings. You shouldn't live in fear. Good for you in reaching out for help with your school counselor.

[Confusedxx]

I have to deal with these types of situations with my partner. I am questioned constantly over things, and if the reason he thinks it happened isn't what I say he becomes aggressive. I could actually see the same situation happening with the hoodie with my boyfriend sad to say. It is emotional abuse, and it is very damaging. Don't be afraid to seek help.

[eelsauces]

I have a question - do you guys think that this abuse would count as trauma? It's hard for me to tell, since it's gone on for as long as I can remember, so I don't have any other standard to compare it to.

It has affected me, possibly permanently, because the fear of being annoying and constant feeling of being less worthy of love does interfere with my friendships and especially romantic relationships. I'll sometimes have these overwhelming feelings of inferiority, which I think might be emotional flashbacks, and I'll start apologizing to my boyfriend over every little thing and saying things like "please don't be mad at me". Then, even though he'll tell me that everything is okay, I feel even worse because I feel like all my apologizing is just making me seem even more annoying. I was brushed off or accused of lying a lot when I apologized to my parents, and still am...

I'm just not sure. I show symptoms of C-PTSD, but like I said, I don't feel like I have a proper sense of what does and does not count as trauma. I was never beaten or assaulted, so I don't know if my situation counts. I don't want to use a term that isn't accurate, or that makes it sound like things are more dramatic than they actually are.

[ohmydaisy]

Hey there. Have you talked to your School counselor yet?

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

Hey there. Have you talked to your School counselor yet?

I went in the Friday before last, but didn't get to talk about much. I didn't outright say that I feel my parents are abusive but I did describe some of the major problems. Unfortunately, even though I was told that she would follow up with me, I haven't spoken to my counselor since then.