[chaotic13]

OK, this is a difficult post but I would like to hear your insights. I’ve posted before a little bit of my background. Quick review: I experienced some sexual abuse in my early childhood and am currently in a relationship that becomes abusive at times. I started therapy several months ago because I had withdrawn from the world leaving my children in the direct line of fire. Therapy has brought me back to walking among the living. I’ve always been a bit of a work-alcoholic and emotionally detached. Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel has been my way of coping. The last month of therapy has started to crack the ice a bit and I am trying to make some changes in my life. Unfortunately I may be paying the price for this new insight and awareness. My relationship with my kids and friends has improved dramatically; but I’m struggling to deal with the other emotions that surface. Therapy is helping me feel less threatened (which is good). But at the same time I’m experiencing a lot of negative feelings. I think what I am experiencing is guilt. I don’t think it’s really about the abuse itself but more about my response to it both then as a child and the way I treated a few people throughout my adult life.

Have any of you experienced a rush of negative feeling about yourself and who you are? If so, how did you deal with it?
I don't need to hear --you were a child--you were the one abuse--its not your fault. I understand these comments, but the negative feeling still surface.

i feel the same way mckell..

I have an overwhelming dislike for myself. It makes me sad. Perhaps you can try to put in words why you feel guilty. Be good to yourself.

[chaotic13]

Thanks EV.

Just feeling like crap today. A couple of things keep surfacing. For one the other girl who took the brunt of the abuse. I was the only one who experienced and knew what she went through. I was not a good friend to her then or now. She is presently very ill with cancer and not likely to get better. I've called her, emailed, sent flowers but haven't made an actual trip to visit her. Just another example of me running away and letting her fend for herself.

[DePressMe]

I had a deep seeded hate for the girl/person I was…I also felt a lot of guilt about some of the choices I made that were a result of my abuse. I had a break through in therapy and was able to accept that person and be okay with the things I had done and had been done to me. Part of what helped me was continuously writing about the things I felt bad about. I also shared these letters with a friend. He wrote letters back to me sharing aspects of his abuse. When I read his letters I felt great compassion for him. I think I learned to accept myself by seeing some of me in his story.

[pachyderm]

I don't know if this would help. Have you read the book "The Kite Runner"? It's now a movie too. A story from Afghanistan about a boy who betrays his best friend and finds a way to become "good" again as an adult. I am not sure exactly what lesson there is for others, but it is a non-trivial read.

[chaotic13]

Part of me wants to talk with her about it and apologize now. But I don't want to drag her back in time just because I've now decided to open my pandora's box. In past conversations when she raised it, I just listened but refused to say much. It was the distant past, another life that I had left behind. I want to support her and visit her, but I don't want to risk dragging her back to a crappy past.

[Cyran0]

mckell, first off, congratulations on the progress you've made. It's great that you recognize it. Second, if your friend is terminally ill, don't wait. Sure, it's bringing up a painful subject but if you miss your chance you'll regret it for a very long time. Chances are, your friend is interested in tying up loose ends anyway. It also means a lot that she's brought it up before.

I too get rushes of negative feelings. Guilt, regret, self loathing, cynicism, I get 'em all. My only outlet for these feelings are my various artistic projects. It helps...some.

Cyran0

((((((mckell))))))))

Maybe you could write a letter 'apologizing' to your friend if you feel the need to.

[chaotic13]

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Cyran0 said:
Sure, it's bringing up a painful subject but if you miss your chance you'll regret it for a very long time.

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This is exactly what worries me! I'm also feeling bad about being so detached and emotionally withdrawn from my mother. She is dead, so I can fix that feeling. The more I interact with my children the more I realize the healing that I denied her. My father was abusive to her and she endured a lot for my brother and I. I pushed her away because of my pend up anger and resentment. I am so grateful for my children and the way they openly show their love and compassion for me. When I start to withdraw they will even reach out and ask for hugs and affection to draw me back in. Its like they know what I need and give it freely. This is what my mother deserved, not me.

EV, I have been writing about it in my journal and here (thanks everyone for indulging me). It is helping me figure out what is actually bugging me. I really just feel like I need to DO something , even if I really internally am not ready. I haven't been able to talk at all about this in therapy and not likely to go there anytime soon. I'm trying to focus on my family situation during that time.

The good news is that I was able to make phone contact with her and am trying to arrange a visit over the holidays. She is only a couple of hours away. I've got to do it even if it means stepping back in time and visiting my past stomping grounds.

[Cyran0]

Glad to hear you're doing this. Good luck to you and keep yourself safe during this journey.

Cyran0

[chaotic13]

Well, I’m still an %#@&#! despite several months of therapy. I spoke with my friend again Christmas Eve on the phone. We were having a nice conversation catching each other up on the holiday on goings. She is facing a lot of challenges but remains very positive. After about 20 minutes the conversation changes quickly. She mentions that she saw one of the boys from our neighborhood. He was a very troubled neighborhood predator who has spent most of his adult life in prison or drug rehab. As she continues to speak she says, ‘you know, he showed signs of his oppressive behavior way back in 5-6th grade…..’ Then my habit of being a closed off %#@&#! took over. Before I could stop myself I said, “I can’t go there, I really cannot go there.” “Now that I have children I realize how f’ed up our childhood was.” “My kids are totally clueless about stuff.” She changed the subject and we talked about a few other things and getting together sometime over the break. After I hung up I realized that I had shutdown and retreated from the past yet again and missed another opportunity to express what I wanted to say to her. I later text messaged her apologizing for being an %#@&#! and reiterating my wanting to come visit and take her out to lunch. I’ve also left her a voice message. Both have gone unanswered. I am such an %#@&#!!

[Cyran0]

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. You're doing your best. Just keep at it.

Cyran0

[chaotic13]

Cyran0 Thanks for the supportive words. I just get so angry when I realize I haven't really changed at all. I still as closed and non-communicative as I was before. Well, except for the fact that I now feel guilt and remorse when I get defensive with people. Not sure that's a change for the better.
When I think about the conversation the only somewhat good thing is that I did not dismiss or act like our experiences were no big deal. I've kind of blown off some of her comments before like it was something in the past that I don't ever dwell on or that never really affected me a great deal. I'm sure this made her feel like crap, like she was the only one that had experienced problems from it. I really regret those actions now, and feel like %#@&#! all over again! I was really a jerk to her over the years. I am very skilled at hiding my inter conflict and acting happy and stable on the outside. Even my T said I am difficult to read.

At the very least in our recent conversation I admitted my awareness that what we experienced was wrong and indicated that I have difficulty dealing with it. I also implied that neither of us were in control of the situation. Maybe in some small way she at least got some validation from me that it really happened. Maybe just that alone will help her healing in some way.

I may attempt to call again today. I'm just afraid that I am trying to reconnect with her for selfish reasons, and that is not right! Maybe deep down inside I am a shallow person who does really care about her--who just wants to relieve my own guilt. Sometime I fear that I am the monster I think I am. I want to help her, not hurt her. Maybe I should just let it drop and send her something that can make her life easier. Certainly dealing with me is not lowering her stress level at all.

Sorry my mind is caught on the hamster wheel again.

[Cyran0]

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mckell13 said:
At the very least in our recent conversation I admitted my awareness that what we experienced was wrong and indicated that I have difficulty dealing with it. I also implied that neither of us were in control of the situation. Maybe in some small way she at least got some validation from me that it really happened. Maybe just that alone will help her healing in some way.

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I think that's likely. I can't say whether she detected a sea change but I've never met an abuse victim who wasn't finely tuned to pick up on every comment that had to do with the abuse.

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mckell13 said:Maybe I should just let it drop and send her something that can make her life easier. Certainly dealing with me is not lowering her stress level at all.

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Leave that to her. Again, she has brought up this subject more than you have so that's a strong indication of her interest. But honestly, just ask her if it's something she needs to talk about. You may be surprised by her reaction.

Cyran0

[chaotic13]

Thanks again CyranO,
She returned my call last night. We spoke briefly and set up a day later this month for me to come and visit. The topic will likely come up at some point. I'm just going to take a subtle deep breath, try to be as open as possible. Now I'll have to stop worrying and stressing myself out about messing up again it in the meantime.