Abuser's Tactics of blaming and shaming the victim

To quote your own words “Goes to show you how blinded one can be when abuse becomes so normal .. you no longer recognize it as a problem until it's too late..”

Sadly your children experience abuse as their normal because that’s all they know (just like like that’s all you knew snd that’s why you choose this man) and they are too young to make sense out of it.

Chances are high that your children will choose abusive partners for themselves because they’ll gravitate towards that as it’s their familiar and their normal, the only life they know. Unless of course you find strength to get them out of this. They are still young snd it’s not too late

Good luck in finding your strength and doing the right thing

I totally agree. When he accused me of "physical abuse" (I didn't hit him or push him.. i leaned into him to get him out.. unsuccessfully. He's 6', I'm 5'4), I get the impression he spoke with her afterwards. It was from that day on that she told me she "loves dad again" and has been telling him she loves him daily, now.

On one hand, I'm happy to hear her say so since it's a healthy and normal thing to do. On the other hand, it's crossed my mind that she's now feeling sorry for him because "mom is mean to dad". He asked me what I thought about why she's had a change of heart. He'll hug me in front of them to show her he's an affectionate dad.. but it makes me uncomfortable and I suspect she notices that, too. It's a win-win scenario for him.

Since then, he's continued with the labels and looks for her reaction. He's messing with her head, I think. Although, I was surprised last night when she told me she loved me "more than dad".. kind of worried she said it in front of him, too, because that could provoke further "discussions" from dad. Maybe I'm over thinking here but with his patterns, nothing sounds too far-fetched.


Yes, it's frustrating for me, too! I want to understand where she's coming from and have her feel safe with me. If he continues giving her ideas and I continue reacting to his BS, I will lose her. So at the very least, I need to stop reacting and keep reassuring her that I love her and I'm here for her.

Thank you. I'm hoping that if I don't react and play along, they will be least impacted. I'm really afraid of what could happen without my knowledge.. the stories, the type of care, the self-centered approaches, the cutting corners, and respecting personal boundaries.

I'm kind of the rock in this family when it comes to important decisions, conscientious thinking, parenting strategies, safety planning, etc. He's said the same. He doesn't think in the same way and when trouble isn't brewing, he's pretty receptive to my ideas and strategies, and is on board. The problem is, there's no consistency from him.. even over a basic safety plan or privacy issue. What I won't know scares me.

So, like I said, if I teach them about boundaries and tools to advocate/protect themselves with, I'm hoping dad will be more on guard and careful on how he proceeds with the girls.

When it comes to the name-calling, I need a catch-phrase to teach them that it's not acceptable without escalating dad. Thoughts?

I don’t think you can successfully teach young children that something is unacceptable if an adult routinely does it in front of them. You can’t jug a liter of vodka every day and be wasted in front of them but tell children drinking to excess is bad. It serves zero purpose

Children learn by what they see and observe. Telling them that this isn’t acceptable while you are accepting it, is very confusing for young children. At this age they don’t really learn by what you tell them, they learn by what they observe.

Sadly these repeated declaration of love and changing what she says is the sign of her being very confused and trying to build alliances with each parent as well as subconsciously trying to calm her own anxiety and discomfort. Sure you should tell her that name calling is bad but sadly it will confuse her even more. If it’s unacceptable why is it accepted in your home. That sort of things.

I hear what you're saying and you're right. That's why if I learn not to be reactive then there's no need for him to name-call. I've decided to let go of the little things, as well, and move forward without any expectations of him. I'm just buying time for now and trying different methods from my end because separating right now is not possible.

I'm trying to normalize our situation as much as I can by focussing on positive things like our beautiful daily walks, our craft hobbies, book times, etc. We also switch off with each other so I'll take our dog for walks or I'll stop off at the store. I just want to limit 'my' time with dad and when we are together as a family, I'm trying to distract everyone with fun activities.

A lot of the toxic conversations we've had has been done via text. Now I'm no longer participating in that, either. I'm hoping my efforts will rub off on everyone and keep the peace for now.

As for my daughter, you're likely bang on and it breaks my heart. She is an anxious child. That's one of my biggest concerns about leaving. It'll heighten her anxieties. She's very attached to me. It'll affect her if she's "forced" to live with dad for a week. It makes me anxious, too. They are both so little. Breaking up now will tear us apart and my littles will be living part time with the abuser. I can't stomach that.

I understand. Not easy,. Keep documenting everything. And when pandemics quiets down it might not be a bad idea to consult with a lawyer (often free) what your options are re custody. Stay strong

I completely understand this. I'll just add this in here. My ex made me feel guilty for everything, and he often would put me down, while also telling me I am crazy when I reacted to anything he said to me. For a very long time, I was blind and truly thought I was crazy and that something was wrong with me. Felt alone pretty much through out our entire relationship and I realized now as I looked back.... that I was the only one trying to make the effort and would held the relationship together. Until one day, I just stopped putting any effort in because I got tired of being taken advantage by him and treated poorly by him. All in time, the person who is being abused will eventually get out because something will add up to your just tired of it all and sick of being the doormat. So you finally stand up for yourself and leave. The moment I stood up for myself, it was over, it was done, because he knew he couldn't manipulate me anymore.

Thanks for sharing....

“I was just trying to explain myself (defend myself) over something he took offense to.”

A partnership is where two people commit to being together, working out problems together, and communicating.

A relationship with an abuser is just one mind game after another. You’re trying to explain yourself, defend yourself, communicate truth and emotions? That’s nice. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court—or at least in a future argument. The abuser is just using your raw emotional state to play mind games. You have to stop thinking that you can defend yourself: it won’t stop the endless verbal attacks against you. You have to stop thinking that explaining yourself is communicating—the abuser isn’t intersted in listening and is just picking out the bits that can be used against you. I’m sorry: I know all that sounds harsh to say. You deserve a real relationship with someone who cares about you and understands how to communicate and wants to do that. But abusers can’t have partnerships: they don’t know how. They just have controlling relationships.

You are absolutely right. When I read about Reactive Abuse, it all started making sense. I'm no longer interested in his attempts and he's caught on. When he tries, I just tell him I'm no longer going to be having these conversations with him because it's not healthy.. and then abort.

I feel like I'm just starting to gain some of my confidence back.. and it's (not surprisingly) making him uncomfortable.. asking me if I've met someone new because I'm taking our dog for walks more often. I'm also able to see his actions a little bit more clearly. The insecurities are his and he's been trying to tell everyone it was me.

Some of these people make me wanna ****ing throw up

hugs and respect

Hi Fuzzybear,

I agree! There are many abusers who continue to abuse vulnerable people with impunity. Darvo smear campaign tactics are their go-to methodology; that is why we must inform and educate others on these subjects so that they can protect themselves.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi MrMoose,

This is absolutely accurate and thank you for providing this insight to us. I absolutely love and appreciate it! I think your paragraph ought to be given to anyone experiencing Narcissistic abuse injuries - especially those who are surrounded by Narcissists and look to become healthy and replace them with healthier alternatives.


Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Abusers know how to manipulate. This is quite common with abusers that they pretend they are the victim so they can get away with they do. My sister did that all the time. She would Tease me and threaten me in front of cousins, neighbours and in public so I would get mad so she could beat me up badly in front of them and then she would say I attacked her and she was just defending herself to my parents.

Abusedbysister,

Thank you so much for sharing your horror story.

How have you been able to cope with this? Have you found that avoiding your abusers and refusing to react to their abuse has minimized the negative impacts of their Darvo smear campaigns? I imagine that you have tried desperately to get through to them - only for it to get worse. Am I wrong in assuming this?

Unfortunately so many of us have no choice but to go no contact with these kinds of abusers because there is literally no way to gain our power back when the entire family dynamic tends to believe and protect them. Sadly this leaves us alone and without familial supports, which is heartbreaking. I hope that you haven't had to do such drastic things to protect yourself.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Thank you for the message. I now live in a different city so I visit my family a couple of times a year. I only see my sister at family functions. Since I see her only a few times a year, it is easier not to react to her tactics but she still bullies me and humiliates me in front of them. Therapy has helped. Because she has a very successful career and life (and me not so much partly due to her abuse), everyone is OK with the way she treats me.

I think a person who treats you cruelly and heartlessly will always turn it around to make themselves the victim when you confront them about their bad behavior. It happened to me with the few relationships I had where that person turned on me and we are now no or low contact. People don’t want to own up to their shyt. They twist it around to vilify the victim. I can’t think of anyone else who ever hurt me, I confronted, and they apologized. No one else hurt me deeply in the first place. That’s why we’re still close. I have never been confronted for my being cruel, because I haven’t been. When people like you, they treat you well. Plain and simple.