Still feels like it was all my fault

Triggering....just want to forewarn again!

I talked with T just a little on Monday about my past and wrote something down and had her read it. It was about how I am having flashbacks lately about one incident in particular and how I feel like I am just as sick as my abuser because I let him continue to do it. She said that it was NOT my fault and that someday I will understand that.
I don't think I will EVER feel like it was not my fault. I can't help but feel like I am as sick as he is because I liked it. that in itself is just sickening to me.
People tell me that it is just a normal reaction that kids have to being touched in an area that is meant to be stimulated when you are an adult. I am told that it's ok that my body just reacted in a normal fashion.
There are times where I imagine being touched....and I like it. I can understand if I were a child and liked it because it would be a normal reaction, but as an adult it's just.....wrong!
I think about SI a lot when I have this image in my head because it is just so very wrong and I want it to go away.
I wish that I would have an accident where I have amnesia or something.
I am just so confused and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying not to SI and I am trying to stop feeling guilty about something that was not my fault....even though I feel like it was.
Gosh am I just making any sense at all? I think I am just rambling now. Gonna go. Maybe if I try to just keep helping others I will feel better.

BJ

my t tells me a story about peeling an onion... and how when you cut into the onion your eyes water and tear... you can tell yourself that you are not going to let it happen but when you cut into the onion you have a physiological response to the onion... you don't have control... it's like that when we were abused... our bodies are made to respond to that touch... just as they are made to cry when we cut into an onion... it's natural for children to seek out pleasurable experiences... even if they don't understand what is happening and it is harmful... that is how our bodies are made... as adults we should make healthier choices... but when you have been wounded you never learned to set boundries... stay safe...lyn

Lyn thanks that is a great story and I totally get the meaning behind it. I just can't wrap my brain around it and how it isn't my fault. How is it not sick to imagine it happening now and enjoying it? I am an adult now....I shouldn't think like that.
Does it make me some sort of sick pedophile liker? IDK if anyone could ever explain it so that it would make sense, but I am hoping.

i feel exactly like this..practically word for word..i have learnt to hate myself for it...the thought of being touched..even in abuse...is heart wrenching..becuase it's just a plain fact that our bodies react with pleasure...and that neearly kills me...remembering that now...because as a child i really believed i was loved...how could i have been so stupid...so so much guilt that i just want to shut down foreeer..yes i think of si every day...and yeah i can't bear it most days lately...just the flash backs and memories,...i keep drifting back and forward from being here...and floating off some place else...even as a right this....i hate it/

<font color="green">[b] Ok BJ, to begin with how old were you when this happened? Do you know a child that age? Think about that child - is there anything she could do that would 'earn' her that kind of abuse? Of course not! and of course you did nothing to deserve it either.

Next you have to understand, that our bodies can become programed to react to certian stymulis. It is normal for an adult to fantasize about s@x. Try to accept yourself as you are and not be so judgemental and harsh with yourself. You are a person of great worth.
Hugs if ok

I know a child that age and there is no way that she could ever ever 'earn' that kind of abuse, you are right.
I am trying really hard to accept myself.....it's just so darned hard....*sigh*

Thanks dalila

onlymedid ,,, we have chatted a little .. Given each other support .

I really hope you Not take this the wrong way ,,, but I will post this for you in this ,, My reply .

I maybe totally off base......................... .

onlymedid I am scared to say this and may I find the right words ... Please do not equate the body reaction and gratification to another as Love ,,, Until you Find The comfortable place with another so the past feelings give you a reflection : : And You May give to another a hug and Never feel confused .

These were some very hard words for me to find ,,,, and Much harder to say as I may understand what ????? I know someone very close to me that your description reminded me of .

Find You answer ,,, and Maybe at that time you will also find the amnesia you feel would .......... release you from the thoughts you live with.

WMD, you are not off base. In fact I think that was a great observation and makes total sense.
I understand exactly what you say and I really appreciate putting in that perspective. I never thought of it in terms of love, but you are so right....sigh......

Thank you!

Bows head and reaches out my hand ,,, gently holds yours ,,, and glances up to say >> mouths the words .>>. You can be , first , most important to you .... and the wish for another to share in equalness .

Will Surprise you with security that is a ripple in a pool of water breaking on the bank ... and returning back ,,, In sameness that makes a wholeness never fore realized ,, But often wondered ,.Possible.

You have a real way with words, you know that?! That was beautiful and very wise. Thanks for holding my hand thru this. It is nice to know I have friends by my side.


BJ

BJ i am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I often hear people talk about how they think it was their fault or they deserved it but there is nothing anyone can possibly do to 'deserve' that. you were a victim whether you 'let it' happen or not and therefore it is NOT your fault. A lot of people i know talk about 'letting it' happen and i can honestly say that you are in no way to blame as people are scared or tired with it or just don't know what to do in these situations. it is in NO way 'letting it' happen and in no way does that mean it was your fault.
And as many people have said; it is a body's natural reaction (especially with children) so there is NO reason for that to make you feel guilty or sick. Often abusers get a 'kick' out of this reaction as it causes the victim more upset. you should never blame yourself for this.
And as for looking back and liking it; it is a memory, so you will remember your body reacting and your body may react at the thought of it, BUT that is completely normal. there is no way i would think of you as sick and i think nearly EVERY victim of abuse has thought like this so please do not be harsh on yourself.
sorry, i probably made no sense then.
take care (hugs)

(((((((((((((bj))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((( bj ))))))))))))))

Actually, you made perfect sense. I know what you mean and I appreciate it.
I am working on this with T and she says that it might take years for me to feel like it wasn't my fault and to feel ok with myself.
That seems like such a long time to work, but it has been 25-26 years of the type of thinking I have now and I don't like it so if it takes a couple years...so be it.
Trying to not be so harsh on myself....it's hard though!

Thank you for that.

Thanks ((((((((((((((Kiya and Fuzzybear))))))))))))))))))!