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Briefly, I have been married for 16 years, but have never viewed sex as an expression of love or a form of intimacy. I have always viewed it as a marital duty. Most likely because of CSA and shame and some probably from a lack of boundaries in my marriage in that area that led to some traumatizing incidents.
My T wants me to start working on accepting my sexuality and being more open to sexual feelings. I have never responded to my husband physically, the only person I ever responded to in that way was my father when he was abusing me. I learned years ago to shut off those feelings and I'm not sure that I want to turn them back on again.
My T brought up in my session on Friday about the way I dress. Always baggy, too big clothes to shield my body. Partly as a form of self-protection, but mostly because I don't want anyone to have sexual thoughts about me. I know I have written in this forum about wanting to be asexual and destroy all the sexual parts of my body. My T thinks that if I start to accept my sexuality, then I will be able to turn down those thoughts.
I'm not sure if that is the answer though. And if that is the answer, I don't know where to begin. He thought the way I dressed would be a good starting place, but even that seems like a huge step. He has brought up masturbation and being open to consensual sex with my husband - I know that is way too big a leap from the point that I'm at now.
I understand my views of sex and sexuality are skewed from the norm, but is that something that needs to be fixed? Is there anything wrong with performing sexual acts purely for my husband's benefit and hiding my body behind layers of clothes?

No there's nothing wrong with performing just for your husbands benefit but you're missing out on natural enjoyment/bonding with your husband. You mentioned you're always trying to get away from your sexual part and something occurred to me - I hope I can explain this well. As we all know intimacy has different levels, there's:

1. Just sex, which serves a bodily function - which might be casual sex, friends with benefits sex and the sex your husband has with you. Notice I say 'He' because you're not fully present and willing.
2. making 'love' sex - is when you share a deep love for your partner and you willingly share your body...enjoying your partner's body. There's a deep soul connection. This is the purest form of sex IMO
3. sex through molestation/violence - we all know what this kind of sex involves and there's no connection whatsoever. If anything there's extreme disconnection.

Ideally you want to be at number 2 and this will shift you away from the 'shame based sex' that you hate so much. Your father took sex from you and due to your dysfunction, your husband has to basically take sex from you too. If you get to where you're both 'making love' it won't be like the nasty duty sex, that you dislike so much. The closer you get to 'making love' the further away you get from the raw sex which offends you.

Not that there's anything wrong with this, but I think there's ways for you to feel better.

If you dressed, not in tight, revealing clothes, but just in clothes that fit well and look good on you, it would probably help your self esteem and make you feel good about yourself. (this is something I know from my own experience and my bff who recently started doing the same thing)

The part about the sex...more difficult but I think possible...it will take longer...right now it's almost like you're letting him use you as a tool...which is not what a husband and wife relationship is supposed to be about...if you are feeling better about yourself...you might be able to see that you deserve to be loved, and allow yourself to enjoy being with him.

These are definitely not easy things to do...and not going to happen overnight, but having a willingness to try....is a step in the right direction.

A old T of mine gave me a copy of They Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. It has been a LONG time but I think it was a good place to start. I made T bring me a copy and then put a paper cover over it so no one could see what I was reading!

Lynn and jadedmoonbeam - thanks, I understand what you're saying. It's not like we are having sex, it's like he is having sex with my body. I just can't imagine sex being what others describe - something beautiful, enjoyable, and something that brings a relationship closer together. I know that I need to re-evaluate my thoughts on that, it just seems so foreign. That's what my T keeps trying to make me see. I'm so far on the other end of the spectrum from the majority that I think it will be a long time before my thought process begins to shift. First, I have to decide that it's something I really want to do. I haven't made that decision yet I guess.
Omers - Thank you. I have that book and read it several years ago. Maybe I wasn't ready to face the whole sex thing yet, too many other unresolved issues. And my husband didn't feel comfortable doing the trust exercises, he thought it was a waste of time . At that time, I think it did more harm than good and reinforced some already deeply held beliefs inside me. We are both in a different place right now so maybe it would be a good time to bring out the book again and see what happens?

Still on the fence about the whole "way I dress" thing, maybe I can wear clothes that fit better at home, not in public and see if it is too uncomfortable?

That sounds like a good first step. Small steps are important when we are making changes. You can see how it feels, then decide if you are comfortable wearing them outside. You can wear them inside for a while too. Not just once but multiple times. Until you are comfortable there, then take another step. Your T wont expect you to make changes all at once. It is good that you are making the plans. That will allow you to feel that you are directing the changes.

Hi CSC - I can really relate to what you are saying. I have always viewed sex as a bit of a "tool" that does strange things to men and have never had what I would describe as a healthy attitude to it. It was never good in my marriage and I am kinda glad that my marriage is over so I don't have to face it. I am contemplating having new relationships and they get so far before I bail out as I just don't want to have to face sex again.

However I can see if you are in a relationship with someone who you love, that there are some real benefits to exploring how you are during intimate moments and not have to switch off and grin and bear it. How much nicer for both of you to actually want to "make love".

Like you I wear baggy clothes, would never show even a hint of cleavage and 99% of the time wear trousers. There are many religions who dress this way, so I don't think that it is wrong to want to dress this way. But maybe it is useful to explore why you prefer to dress this way so at least you are doing it consciously.

I don't know how helpful is is to share, but I cannot at all get my head round sex being equated with love - I know this is my distortions, but under the barriers I have to it, there is also a part of me that would love to have a "loving sexual" relationship. It's judt hard to imagine myself being different.

I think you are amazing to be able to start to explore this with your T. I really hope you are able to work through things and get to a place that is comfortable for you to be in.

Thanks for all the responses, still trying to decide if this is something I really want to do

Hi Cantstopcrying,

1) my shrink hates when I want to talk about sex or dysfunctional sexe. He almost begged me to see a sex therapist. I did. I had 10 sessions with her. I didn't feel any progress at first. It took about 5 visits. I made lots of lists and now I know myself. I am not 'normal' sexually. But I know who I am.

2) I have read one of your other threads about childhood abuse and therapy. We have reacted sooo differently to our childhoods. I could never be a 'tool'. I get really defensive and hit back. I need to always be able to see my boyfriend and touch. That means always face to face. I need to be able to open my eyes and see that it is him or reach out and touch him and know it is him. Also if he gets too agressive, I withdraw and hit. His therapist told him that he should wait until I come to him. Often he gets angry, throws up his hands, lies on his back and crosses his arms and says, 'O.K. you come to me.' I like this cause I can put my head on his shoulder and talk and let my hands roam and I don't have to defend myself. And it is emotional love. I hate the word, 'sex'.

3) As per clothes, why should you have to change the 'whole' look at once. Maybe you could buy one piece of clothing that you like.... an A-line skirt, or a pair of sexy heels, or some cute underwear that you can wear under the baggy clothes, or a bright scarf, or skinny jeans.... something that really catches your fancy.Then I think you should wear it at a time and place that you choose... ex. coffee with a girl friend, vaccuuming when no one can see.... your choice. And I think you should do it for yourself.

roses

P.S. My shrink is really happy not to have to deal with sex anymore. He likes dealing with my anxiety more.

CSC

As you know, I have really struggled similar feelings in my marriage.

I was with my ex-hub for 17 years. Before he came along, I really didn't have any positive sexual experiences. I had SA as well as a history of disconnecting during sex. I kind of felt like a robot going through the motions, and often dissociating.

My ex-hub was a decent man to me. He honestly seemed to care about me emotionally ~ and I felt that I owed the sex to him as "payment" of sorts. As the years passed, sex occurred less and less often. Partly due to adenomyosis (pain in uterus), but mostly because of my dread and paranoia. I worked hard, for so many years, with all sorts of T's to help myself feel better about sex. I just couldn't do it.

About 3 years ago, my ex couldn't be there for me anymore. It just was not worth the pain and frustration that came with it. I can't blame him. We separated, and I struggled to figure out who/what I am. About one year later, I met another man that sent "good chills" up and down my spine. We took things slowly at first, and then jumped in with a spellbounding kiss.

In retrospect, I can now see that I never felt this way about my ex. I never had that desire, that want or need to feel him. There is a HUGE difference! It's wonderful to finally actually enjoy sex. Really wonderful!

I do still struggle with exposing my pleasure. Like: letting my bf know how good I feel when we're making love. {My bf complains that I'm so quiet, and expressionless, he doesn't know how I'm feeling.} I am extremely hesitant to ever masturbate. That is just an "evil" act that I can't allow myself to do. I will not allow myself to do it. When I do give in to my bf's desire to watch me, he easily picks up on my hesitation & mood. I do struggle with some shame ~ especially when I think about my marriage. That I was never feeling that way with my ex...which makes me an "evil" person, in my mind. As you can see, getting through these mindsets isn't an easy, overnight process. It can be done ~ but it takes time.

I hope that I didn't talk you ear off. Just want you to know that I really understand what you're talking about. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Oh ~ and regarding how you dress ~ that is an iffy thing, imo. While part of me wants to look good, the paranoid part of me can never look good enough. My self-hate automatically disregards compliments & assumes that the person is full of beans or that they just want sex and will say whatever they think is necessary to get it. Dressing in clothes that fit me did not change my self-image at all. But, maybe that's just me.

Best wishes & gentle hugs sent to you

I find it strange that your therapist would raise this as an issue and connect it to your dress. Maybe I'm off the mark, but it seems like this is something that you should initiate when you are ready, and if you were ready you'd be bringing it up first, not him.

If that happened to me, if he brought up the way I dress and wanted to work on helping me enjoy sex more with my husband based on my way of dressing, I'd totally freak out.

I don't know. I guess I'm in the minority here but it just seems insensitive to me. He knows your issues, and pushes this. It feels off, but maybe I'm missing some part of it.

I guess he's not really pushing the issue, just putting out suggestions to help me switch from surviving to thriving (his words) All if it is connected - dressing, eye contact, sex issues - to me wanting to be asexual and invisible. The way I dress is a form of self-protection and denying my sexuality which is how it relates to sex with my husband. Part of what I need to do is re-claim my sexuality from my father and these are things that my T believes will help me head in that direction.
Honestly, it didn't freak me out. We've had pretty in depth conversations about these issues before, but I've always kinda avoided any real results, I think that I'm actually questioning the possibility is a sign that I'm in a different place now and maybe more ready to address it. I've never even been able to consider that there was another way before from the way my thought process works. I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. It didn't feel like he was being insensitive, it felt more like he was bringing up a next step option.

Oh I see. You are explaining it fine! I'm just reacting from my own perspective. You are right, if you guys have been talking about it for awhile then it's not out of the blue. I kinda misunderstood. Good luck!

You've gotten some excellent answers so far. I married a widower 13 years ago. His first wife never enjoyed sex. She dressed & undressed in their closet, so he never saw her nude. She was his high school sweetheart, and they didn't have sex until after they were married, although they did a lot of fooling around. He does like a LOT of sex--once or twice a day sometimes! Still, at 74! I can tell you, with me, he is a wonderful lover. He takes a lot of care and patience with me, so that I enjoy the sex as much as he does, or nearly so. And, as he tells it, he does it in part because it excites him so much to have me excited and enjoying it too. So, I'd take things slowly, but open yourself up to the fact that more intimacy between you might be more pleasurable for BOTH of you. You might endear yourself forever to your hubby for working on this. And to yourself. It's a very fulfilling and completing act for an individual or a couple--the two of you together are greater than you both as individuals!