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  #1  
Old Oct 04, 2014, 02:20 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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Hi Everyone. I need help from the ladies. I have been with my bf for 9 yrs love and care for him deeply. Last week, I accepted a lunch invitation from someone I know from high school who is in the Army been in it for 4 yrs now re-enlisted for another 3 yrs. He seems very different, I enjoyed his company so much. We were wanting to date in 04, but we both had a lot of issues and argued so I stopped talking to him for 3 yrs. I would see him now and then somewhere, but never said anything to him. I almost jumped in bed with him but we didn't.

During lunch, he told me exactly what he thought of my current boyfriend and said I notice you are not happy, I can tell and you know I am right. For years, current bf and I have argued a lot over petty ****, his anger issue, and still currently his lack of commitment to anything even his computer issue putting me last. He proposed to me when I was 21 in 07, wore a ring he bought for us and said we were engaged but actually my bf said he wanted to propose where people out there can go awww ain't that cute? Does it really matter? I don't care where the guy proposes to me as long as I say yes!

I don't wear the ring anymore as the stone fell out but he still has his ring. Army guy said I don't see your relationship lasting much longer, but it's frustrating how bf wanted to marry me yet could never provided us some kind of a home long ago. He works, part time that's the only thing he could get, and the hours are just terrible. I work part time and looking for a 2nd job trying to get a place but my monthly income is so low I can't afford it with a roomie or on my own which I am miserable because I can't get enough hours at my job as the district won't allow part timers to go over. I love my job, but wish it was full time.

I had a lot of fun with Army guy, I kept seeing him a lot and ended up kissing him like a lot. We acted like a couple in person, a real couple. We had no arguing, we love to challenge one another it's fun for us done it to him before it's just playful. I wonder if Army guy is the one for me? I haven't spoken to my bf about what's going on with our relationship. I know he wants a full time job but that's hard to get where we live plus he was out of work for almost 5 yrs. He doesn't wanna job hop because that is being used against people harder now than it was years ago, how can we be married if we still can't live together?

Ever since I went to "therapy" (went to therapy for other reasons not for couples counseling) and having a social worker at the women's center and attending those workshops; I feel like I am becoming a different woman. Other people said go for it, date the Army guy whether he is the one or not at least you can say you gave him a chance. Yea, it's a lot of feelings needed to be sorted out. Army guy will be gone for 2 months or maybe longer in another state doing another MOS. I mean, my bf has been there for me a lot and Army guy was a good shoulder to cry on long ago. I cried hard on Thursday last week on Army guy's chest about the possibility of leaving my boyfriend.

Another thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend is constantly talking to someone on Hangouts. I don't have a problem if there's chatting, but I always wondered if he is "still" cybering with other women. I mean, I have seen chats where he was talking to bi/lesbian women about their own relationship issues with other women just normal chatting. I can't seem to get a hold of his phone nor do I know his password to his email. I always hear women who crack open their husband/boyfriend's password(s) and find some info. Why would he cyber with other women? Yea, he did this twice in the past. I asked boyfriend is it because we are not having sex all the time? Any women on here have any tips on how I could do that without getting in trouble? I told him I don't want to be one of those girlfriends who snoop in your emails or phone. Cybering with women, damn near borderline cheating! He never met these women they lived in another state or country. He said he was always horny that's why he did it and it doesn't mean anything. I told him long ago, if you cheat, I am done!

I seem to have my answers about Army guy but would like to take it slow IF we do date in the future. Army guy is going back to TX tomorrow morning not sure when he will be back in AZ. I feel like I may be falling in love with Army guy hard....

If anyone has any tips let me know.
Hugs from:
bluekoi

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  #2  
Old Oct 04, 2014, 04:47 PM
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bluekoi bluekoi is offline
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ladytiger, Sounds like you and your boyfriend have grown apart. Seven years have past. People can change a lot in their 20's. If you are interested in your old friend who's in the Army, does that not tell you something huge is missing from your relationship with your "boyfriend"? You have some serious thinking to do. Feel free to PM me. I wish you every happiness.
Thanks for this!
hamster-bamster
  #3  
Old Oct 04, 2014, 07:32 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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It seems like it and my boyfriend told me one time that "we haven't grown apart". Next year, will be 10 yrs for us. I know he would be devastated if we broke up, came close to breaking up with him 2 times in the past and also told him long ago how I was unhappy and I wanted a change in our relationship. Back then, he said he was trying I said try harder! He had a job one time and told me he was gonna get us an apartment and just quit that job later on. I was always spending my lack of money on him!

The other problem is I don't have any friends/support group that I can lean back on just one friend and one from high school but don't see her that much. I don't have much of a social life that I want since I am working, looking for a 2nd job, etc. I just don't want to hurt my boyfriend ya know? My life wasn't that great either and I am still trying to improve 18 yrs of no life skills to help me move further. I know it's a lot of sorting out feelings and being serious, but it is tearing me apart every time I think about it.
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bluekoi
  #4  
Old Oct 04, 2014, 09:14 PM
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bluekoi bluekoi is offline
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ladytiger, If you are not happy in your relationship with your boyfriend, what are your choices? You went to therapy to help yourself live a better life. Can you visualize what it would be like in ten years time, if you and your boyfriend stay together and have a family?

You might try posting in our Relationships & Communication Forum (link below) and see what other members have to say.

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central
  #5  
Old Oct 05, 2014, 12:09 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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I already posted there and got some responses. I got told I am cheating no different than him cybering with women online and also posting an ad last year online to find a sugar momma so we can have money while I was in therapy! Also, my boyfriend wants to have kids with me and looked at him saying you have a problem there's no way you could be attentive to me and the kids while you're still on the computer. He said he can be attentive to me and the future kids. I don't see that happening as I was told by someone at Shabbat that it would be a disaster and miserable for me.
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bluekoi
  #6  
Old Oct 05, 2014, 10:43 AM
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bluekoi bluekoi is offline
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ladytiger, I read the other posts members have written. It sounds like it is time for you to make some changes in your life. Is your therapist able to offer any guidance?
  #7  
Old Oct 05, 2014, 12:11 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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The therapist is an ex-therapist for a reason and hell no I never want her as my therapist again! I remember in one session she told me about his behavior that he has to be the one to make the change as I can't do anything for him. She also said maybe there is something in his life that he is missing could be something from his dad that he never got and I said something he saw in the Air Force back in 01 that he saw or whatever that could be another big problem right there.

That was the only solid piece of real life advice she ever gave me the rest was all fluff which is why her and I always argued as I could've conducted the sessions by myself and could've taught her a lot of things (she is in my age group)! Couple of people I know in person told me the same thing that it looks like you need a change and you seem to be growing more and more.
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bluekoi
Thanks for this!
bluekoi
  #8  
Old Oct 09, 2014, 10:41 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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Update!

Army guy and I have been talking on fb. Now, he tells me that I have to give him a reason to want to be with me saying he doesn't wanna wait around for a woman who doesn't appreciate what's in front of her. Yea, I was blown away by that comment! I am like where is this coming from?!? I said to him you confessed your love for me, now you want me to give you a reason to be with me? You already confessed and did tell him I'd like to be with him in the future if things go wrong with my bf.

He's making it sound like I am being wishy washy and reading that msg on fb, I am like who is being the pushy one?!? I get his military and man's point of view, but he needs to see it from a woman's pov too. Someone on here said something about the army guy not respecting people's relationships and if I pursue him, the grass may not be green like I seem to think. Now, my bf and the army guy are at it they are texting each other.

It seems Army guy wanted me to cheat on my bf with him since we did a lot of kissing and almost got in bed. Army guy told me if I don't give him an answer asap when he gets back into town he will either get stationed in another state or country and find someone else told him how could you drop your love feelings for me to go be with another woman? You had these feelings for so long how could you be happy with someone else? Yea, I am having 2nd thoughts about Army guy. He said you're not cheating on your boyfriend at first he said don't keep me waiting on whatever your decision is to now I need an answer. He told me you have the time I left AZ to when I get back.

It seemed like I went head over hills for Army guy thinking we could start over again. Yea, I broke down and told my bf everything earlier today before I went to work. I read what Army guy wrote him, I told Army Guy I appreciate your concern for me and have told him to stay out of my biz whether he agrees with what I am doing or not I don't pry into his biz! My bf told me why is Army guy romancing another man's woman? Why can't he find his own?

Told him Army guy whatever happens between my bf and I has nothing to do with you. You are not his prob and he is not yours either. Army guy told me how he felt about my relationship with my bf and asked him are you Dr. Phil or something? Yes, I caused damaged to my boyfriend and admitted it to him. My bf told him now by text how Army guy has no morals and hasn't changed like he claims bf told me see he could say anything to get into your pants.
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bluekoi
  #9  
Old Oct 10, 2014, 09:58 AM
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bluekoi bluekoi is offline
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ladytiger, Regardless of army guy, you still have a decision to make about your current relationship with your boyfriend. Only you can make these changes. You need to decide what is best for you now and to make a more positive future for yourself. I wish you well.
  #10  
Old Oct 10, 2014, 10:56 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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I know. I did tell Army guy before telling my bf that if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me then prove his love for me not demand it from me. I told Army guy that I will not beg him if he wants to pursue something fine, if not, then that's fine but I will not beg him. What is having me think again is what Army guy told me that he was gonna have some fun with a girl he knew while I was on my period and asked me if I wanted to join them I said how could you be in love with me then ****ing someone else? He said the sex with the other woman doesn't mean anything to me and said I don't care if you're in love with someone you would wait.

Bf said doesn't sound like he changed to me. So yea, everything is all ****ed up and I don't know did ask bf for a break, how long of a break I am not sure...
  #11  
Old Oct 10, 2014, 07:31 PM
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bluekoi bluekoi is offline
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ladytiger, Some time apart may give you a new perspective! Good luck.
  #12  
Old Oct 11, 2014, 03:19 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Ladytiger - you are playing games and the Army guy is playing games. The bf appears to be the most genuine of the three. It does not mean that he is the one for you - it is just that from what you have told us, the bf seems authentic in how he relates to you. Again, this does not mean that you should choose him. I think the time apart idea is great.
Thanks for this!
A Red Panda, Irrelevant221
  #13  
Old Oct 11, 2014, 07:49 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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How am I playing games? Army guy said he is genuine but I don't see that right now and he will probably blame me for staying with my boyfriend which isn't any of his biz if I do or don't. My bf being the genuine one, why do I have to keep waiting for us to get some kind of an apt and get married? He said he wants to be able to move up to at least store assistant at the gas station so he can at least have more money, should have had more money long ago!

I am trying to get my life together looking for a 2nd job so I can move to keep my sanity as my 1st job isn't giving me enough hours to move. I haven't spoken to Army guy lately and not sure what to do if he contacts me when he comes back to AZ for the holidays but my boyfriend wants to set his *** straight even more. I told my bf all of these goals, still isn't enough money for us why do I have to keep doing all the damn work?!? I told bf that I want to be with him but I don't know. Other people have told me he doesn't seem to be going anywhere or moving fast enough.

I asked bf are you content with our 9 yrs of still not being married? He said no I want to marry you. He has a ****ing computer issue staying on it all hours of the night and that is still a bother in our relationship even though he doesn't have a computer right now. If he got a computer and I am on a back burner again, then I am leaving I have told him that in the past.

I strayed because I want something more I want a ****ing life! I want to be happy, come and go as I please when going out don't have to answer to anyone nor follow someone else's rules. I still need to talk to my boyfriend more.....
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  #14  
Old Oct 11, 2014, 08:23 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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I think there is some confusion at times because you have the thread here and then the same type thread under "relationships and communication"

I have hopped back and forth on each and its hard to follow.

Regardless of that , if your unhappy with your BF and his actions.. why are you staying with him? Sounds like Army guy is trouble maker to be honest.. I dont think your giving Army guy your BF's phone number was needed to be honest. That just causes unneeded drama.

I feel for you, its obvious that your unhappy about your life. You and only you can decide how you want to live your life.

Good luck
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  #15  
Old Oct 11, 2014, 08:44 PM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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You clearly aren't happy with your current bf.

You aren't happy with the Army guy.

You chose to cheat on your bf.

What about that makes it sound like you should be with either of them? If one person is willing to cheat, then they shouldn't be in the relationship. At the same time, if someone gets involved with someone in a relationship already, then what on earth would make them seem like a reliable person to be in a relationship with..
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  #16  
Old Oct 11, 2014, 08:57 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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By genuine, I meant that the bf seems to express authentic feelings. That he cannot get his act together job-wise is a totally different issue. Same with computer addiction. Those issues make him a loser, but not somebody who intentionally plays games.

What is going on between you and the Army guy is a game in which each person wants to be the one calling the shots, the one pursued, the one with the freedom of choice, etc.
  #17  
Old Oct 12, 2014, 01:03 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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I thought the lunch with Army guy was gonna be it thanks for lunch, good luck in the Army, etc. Well, yea, giving bf Army guy's number would attract drama but he asked for it so I gave it to him. He wanted to let him know to leave me alone that I am off the market. I told my boyfriend I am sorry he knows I almost slept with him. Job wise, he's only been at the new job for 3 months and me almost 8 months. BF told me we were gonna get an apt in 2010 I think but the economy went to the trash.

I thought something like this would never happen where I would stray. The 08 economy didn't help as "some of us" can agree that finding work is still super hard! If my bf cheated on me, I shouldn't be surprised. No, not happy with my life still trying to put my life back together so I can leave. My bf is willing to work with me about what happen and told me he will NOT lose to Army guy; he is still hurt and wants to beat Army guy's ***. I told him I was a willing participant in it too. Army guy brought out a lot of things about me brought out old feelings and new feelings for him.

I did tell Army guy I wish people would butt out of my biz so what if we are not married yet etc! I still want a break from boyfriend which I told him. I told him about that addiction that it makes him look like a loser ask women but other men would agree too. He got mad when I said that I said but it is true! It's a freaking problem!

So yea, told bf how long is it gonna take to leave the nest so we can move on? Yea, I get so ****ing depressed every time I see someone with their own place but I am still working towards that goal for myself.
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bluekoi
  #18  
Old Oct 13, 2014, 10:20 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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This may sound like a dumb question, but why does it seem like when Army guy and I stopped talking for 3-5 yrs, we end up talking again? He told me the work of God brought him to me, so I can move on and be happy - not when he puts a list of demands for me (Army guy)! That's what I didn't like about him his demands and that is why we would argue a lot in the past.
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  #19  
Old Oct 16, 2014, 09:49 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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When there are many positives and many negatives, it is not surprising that you would gravitate towards one another, then split apart, then gravitate towards one another again. It is all within a common pattern and not a cause for believing in miracles.
Thanks for this!
Parley
  #20  
Old Oct 16, 2014, 10:36 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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Ook, sounded like a metaphor. I am surprised that I gravitated to someone else because I have never done that before! Anyway, my bf and I are working it out he told me how Army guy had an ulterior motive after all as he wanted to get laid with me and now Army guy isn't talking to me on fb. I wonder why! I told my bf is because he didn't get the sex with me? He said yea.

Army guy has been talking about me indirectly on fb about someone he likes/love and that special woman all of that has been about me. I have told him before in the past to love me from afar and you will find someone. He said I am different than the other girls in our old circle of friends as I am the person he fell in love with and we've been friends since high school. I am flattered by his feelings but not happy that he just wanted to get laid and use me.

Yep, old patterns are coming back. I haven't said a word to him on facebook and my bf said if he continues he wants to get a gag order on him for "stalking me." My bf said he had his chance 10 yrs ago and blew it, living in the past, and I am the closet woman to a gf he will ever get even though I am attached. he told me how he was trying to get me to cheat on me and I did ask Army guy are u asking me to cheat?

Well....I hope he moves on and finds someone but I don't see him ever being happy his dates never lasts anyway and yea he does have a bad track record of not keeping women thought this time it would be different.
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bluekoi
  #21  
Old Oct 16, 2014, 10:49 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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He is talking about you indirectly with someone on fb? How do you know? Does he tag your name and you get updates or do you monitor his page activity?
  #22  
Old Oct 16, 2014, 11:20 PM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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He makes announcements and i can read his post ya know! He doesn't have to tag me I know he has been talking about me. I know him very well it isn't some other woman it's always been me. No, not indirectly to someone on his fb he talks about me indirectly on his posts. An example: he posted before we met up 'I think I am in love with someone what should I do?'

I posted what he should do, saw what others told him and he said i snagged u all in a hoax. I knew that post got my attention he was talking about me! He said it was a joke to get ppl to say something about it and he was laughing when he said which I knew he was lying it was about me! I said u did that on purpose to get my attention he smiled and laughed saying yea it got ur attention but it was a joke again chuckling/laughing is a sign of lying. I didn't believe it so yea that's how I know.....
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  #23  
Old Oct 17, 2014, 12:09 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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That sounds like pretty benign teasing that is going on on both sides. Not sure if you can attach any significance to it. What I mean is that you cannot say that he is truthful nor can you say that he is lying - oh well!!
  #24  
Old Oct 17, 2014, 01:56 AM
ladytiger ladytiger is offline
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Yea...he does stuff like this to get my attention. Mind you, he has been chasing me for a long time always hinting about us one day being together yet got the nerve to say he is tired of waiting for me and I reminded him who's been chasing who? Thank u! lol
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bluekoi
  #25  
Old Oct 17, 2014, 04:36 AM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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I know what you mean about the indirect postings. The kind that don't name any names, but word choices are made that are directly linked to one person, and it's passive aggressive.
Your bf sounds direct, your army man sounds indirect.
When I once asked my T what the description manipulative meant, one point was that manipulation is indirect, spinning circles to meet an internal means.

Seems like this army guy is absorbing oodles of your thought processes. He sounds like he has become a big priority. If he's unclear about his motives, can chalking this experience up to him having unclear methods of communication and you deserve better be an option?

Who's to say sex was the only inner purpose? Trying to read his mind is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone.

Is being desired sexually something that's missing from your relationship with your current bf?
Gotta admit it's an ego boost,isn't it?
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