How do you know if you want kids?

I have the same problem! I'm 43 my husband is 45 we've been together 17 years. I would need to have a surrogate or adopt to have a kid on top of it,
And my husband wants kids and I don't anymore. Ive tried to talk to him about it, and we love each other so much, but what do I do? Have you had any insights? I desperately don't want to end my marriage because of not wanting kids, life is so cruel

I've known for what feels like forever that I didn't want kids. I've never understood the need some people have to be parents. That's not a criticism, just a statement that I don't understand it.

I babysat two young boys through my last couple of years of high school and the first couple of years of college. I was with them every week night. Their mom worked a day job, then a second job at night. I saw more of the boys than she did. I kind of felt like I raised them.

I had absolutely no interest in the 24/7/365 part of being a parent. It's got to be the biggest responsibility there is in life. I wasn't interested in signing on for that. Add to that that I was terrified I'd pass along the abuse I received as a kid. I used to think "the buck stops here" when it came to that. Then add that my husband was a giant irresponsible child himself. I would have ended up caring for him and the kids.

To the OP. You mentioned your husband came home from visiting with his nieces and nephews and said he wanted kids. Does he really want kids or does he like the idea of kids? You mentioned something about "legacy". He can create a legacy without bringing a child into the world.

I knew I did not want children... mostly because it was not a happy young life for me. I could go on and on but my fear was having a little one and the worry of being able to do a good job taking care of the child and myself. I never wanted a child to feel that pain as I did from parents that did not take good care of us. Also mental illness in the family and addictions - was not taking a chance.

Yes, I know a husband "should" be there but it really is mostly the woman who does the work.

I say if you and your husband want children... get counseled 1st and draw up a contract... I'm serious. Everyone needs to be in reality about this decision. The children are the ones that will suffer the most. Please be darn sure.

He just brought it up again last night. I keep hoping it will just go away, which I think answers the question for me of whether or not I want kids.

He is my boyfriend of 8 years, not my husband. He does not want to get married, he just wants kids. I told him the last time we talked about this that I would not have kids without being married, but he still does not want to get married. My friends don't understand why I want to get married first (and I am completely fine not having kids and not getting married). He doesn't understand and I don't understand why he won't just get married if having kids is so important to him.

I think he wants to break up if we don't have kids. I asked and he told me not to borrow trouble instead of answering.

So I still have no idea what to do but am leaning towards no at this point, thinking entirely with my head. As a guy, I would have kids. As a woman, it's just too risky, imo, especially with someone who is not willing to compromise about the marriage issue.

Okay, I think if you even have to ask this qestion that should tell you your answer is probably no. Just my opinion.

How do you feel when you walk past baby or children's stores? Do you get a feeling of isn't-that-cute or do you just walk on by?

Oh wow! I completely agree with you, no kids without being married... it IS much more risky for the woman. Additionally, I tend to think that marriage helps create a stable base for the kids... it's not perfect (i.e. people get divorced) and some people manage without it, but if you can provide that, it's a really good place to start.

And, I agree that if you're not going to have kids - marriage becomes much less of an issue, and that there's much less need to get married. I think I'd be in the same place you are, I wouldn't mind living with somebody as long as no kids are involved (though I'd like personally like the commitment of a marriage, at some point, I think.)

I guess I just wanted to chime in with agreement that it's really odd that your boyfriend seems so gung-ho about having kids now, but isn't willing to compromise on marriage. Oh, and I agree that the idea that he wants them so that he can have a legacy (rather than because he loves them and wants the experience of being a parent) would worry me a lot. It would make me think that he's going to be very hands-off, and that I'd be doing all of the actual parenting work... and I, personally,wouldn't be up for doing that alone. It's a lot of work, and I barely have time to care of myself properly, I can't imagine taking care of kids, with a boyfriend who doesn't want to get married or help out.

I might be reading too much into it, but that's how I'd react.

Good luck!

A thought that popped into my head.... if he is not willing to make the commitment to marriage how committed to being a parent will he be?

Please don't let him blackmail you into having children. Kids are too big and too major a responsibility to have them just because someone else pressured you into having them. People should have kids because they love them and want to have them.

I had a girl when I was 21 and I tried for years to have more and it would just never happen. In God's wisdom it was better that I didn't have another with my first husband. It was not long after that he deserted me and I was left to struggle. Several years later i met a new man who became my current husband. As much as I wanted it to happen it never did. The biological clock ticked away and it is no longer going to happen.
From all of this I learned that a secure marriage with some one you love would oh ace made it a lot easier. Being a single mom is tough. The fact that your partner is not interested in marriage is a pretty important issue. Would he always be there or would he take a hike the moment he felt it getting difficult. A baby changes everything.
Even though your biological clock is ticking and you are going to have to focus on getting pregnant if it is going to happen, you might want to think carefully about your situation before jumping in. If he is not committed to you how committed will he be to the that precious human being that you might bring into the world.
Will he still be there when the baby keeps you up all night, or when there are demands on him to provide for the support and nurturing of a child. I would not trade my daughter for anything, but it has not been easy to get her to adulthood.She has always been the joy of my life. I had no idea of the challenges and self-sacrifice it would take to raise a child.

Thanks all of you for the confirmation that it's not just me who thinks the unwillingness to bend on kids + marriage is a possible red flag. Two of my real life friends kind of surprised me by telling me that they thought it was strange I'd want to be married - one even told me that I would be better off *not* getting married but having kids anyway! .

I don't think I want to take on this challenge. It would be one thing if it was thrust upon me, but as a rational choice, it's too hard to swallow.

So my boyfriend brought up the kids thing again this morning: 'So that was a no on kids?'

I brought up the idea I had that he only wanted them because he wanted a legacy/thought he was supposed to, and he corrected that idea of mine and went into more detail. I still don't really get why he wants kids, though. Maybe it is more appropriate to say that I don't think he really understands what it is like to take care of kids, which is probably unfair. I am thinking of all the work/logistical aspects and assume that he is not thinking about those because he has never dealt with them.

I don't know if this is an option but could you offer to watch his nieces and nephews for a few days to give the parents a break? Make sure he does the majority of the work so he sees what he's wanting to get into.

I have a GF that did that and 20 years later still no kids lol. She always liked babysitting but just having 3 kids with her for 48 hours did her in.

Good luck to you

What did he say when he correct you? Did it make any sense, or was it just a lot of talking?

I'm sort of curious about whether he's mentioned what made him change his mind. It sounds like you guys were, originally, on the same page about kids... but that something's changed for him. You thought it was the realization that he wants to leave a legacy (which makes sense, even if it's not a great reason to procreate), but if that's not it... I wonder what it is?

I agree that kids are a ton of work, and that might not be something he understands (I get the impression that a lot of people don't understand that until they have them!). Does he ever watch his nieces/nephews? Or pet sit? Just curious if he has any baseline to build off of here...

I am 25 so I may be a little young to be offering my thoughts in some people's eyes but I have known since I was a kid that I wanted children one day. My dreams when I was younger included being a teacher, getting married, and having children. I am getting married in August and me and my fiance want to have kids in the near future. If your not 100% sure on having kids then don't. Don't have kids just to please someone else. It is up to you if you want to put your body through child birth and all that.

It's interesting to me that this thread got resurrected now, mostly because it's an issue I'm once again thinking about on a regular basis...

Anyway, I recently read the book Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti. She's a mother herself, but the book has a fairly negative take on the whole having kids thing. She gives you plenty of reasons NOT to have kids. I never really felt like she answered the question in the title. Either way, I did find it interesting to read.

True, brought up a good point. My ex couldn't seem to marry me yet he wanted me to have children for him. I couldn't see him helping me with a baby at all his devices has always been more important than me - no we have no kids. Together for 10 yrs every year it's we will get married got tired of it after our 10th anniversary.

I always just knew I would have kids. I never would have thought it was an option not to get married and have kids. I remember my best friend started saying in high school that she never wanted to have kids, and I thought she was just in a phase (although I didn't say that to her). She never did have kids. I couldn't even relate to feeling that way. I just felt like it was part of the circle of life, that I am supposed to reproduce.

To be honest, I've never had this burning desire to have kids, but I think it would be a good idea for both you and your BF to ask yourselves this: what is it about kids that I want, or think I want? Wanting kids in the abstract is very different from being fully aware of all of the challenges that raising them entails and wanting to have them anyway. And, is he thinking of the impact to a child to have older parents? Is he going to want to chase around someone in their terrible twos when he is 52? He's going to be a senior citizen when they graduate high school. It's an irrevocable decision, moreso than marriage. Think it through carefully.

I just want to point out that having kids later in life does have some benefits. My FIL was 52 when my husband was born. He was a senior citizen and retired for the majority of my husband's childhood. But that meant my FIL was free to go to every one of my husband's games or track meets. He was very present in my husband's life growing up, and I know my husband appreciated it a lot.

I'm not trying to sway the OP one way or the other, especially since she hasn't responded since October. I just wanted to point out there are positives and negatives to having kids later in life. This is definitely a decision that should be thought through seriously and carefully.

A lot of people are waiting until they are older to have children these days. And with advances in medical technology, you're still going to be okay even if you decide to wait until your 40s to have kids.

Personally, I never really thought about having kids or cared much. I like kids, but I don't know how to really interact with them. I'm scared too, mainly because I feel like I wouldn't know what to do with them. I don't want to be that crappy, clueless parent that everyone talks about.

Remember you can always adopt if you become too old to have kids on your own. Don't rush into anything if you don't feel ready.