I've always had trouble making and keeping good female friends my whole life. Now I'm 42 and I only have three friends in real life that I see once a month if I'm lucky. Although I'm shy and introverted, I try to talk to other women at meetups and I'm not overly picky when it comes to befriending someone who wants to be my friend. I'll hang out with just about anyone who seems nice and sincere regardless of age usually. As long as we have a few things in common, then that's good enough for me.

I'm nice, loyal, caring, kind, supportive, a good listener, fairly easy to talk to, open minded, fairly non-judgemental, not competitive, catty, or that much of a gossip, so why would it be so hard for me to make female friends? I have met women at meetup groups who seem nice at first, but then as time goes on, it becomes more obvious that they were only being nice and polite towards me and that they don't really want to hang out with me outside the group.

A lot of women have told me to that they'd call or email me or they'd ask me to call or email them and then they never ended up responding to me. I feel very hurt, annoyed, and frustrated by all of this. It seems like most women try to look for friends that are almost like them in as many ways possible such as having similar personalities, similar jobs, similar lifestyle (example....if a woman has kids, they seem to prefer hanging out with other women with kids, and if they're single, they prefer to hang out with single women).

I'm married but I don't have any kids, so I'm in a very different group from most women out there. Why would all this matter so much to other women? As long as you like the same things and have the same values and your personalities aren't to different from one the other person, then why should any of that matter?

Do any other women on here, especially around my age have a hard time making friends with other women? Also, it seems like once any woman of any age gets a b.f or gets married, they disappear and forget about their friends most of the time. Ugh! It seems to me that not to many women value real friendships.

I get the impression that they only want other women to be there for them for when they're needed until they find a guy or get married. I do understand that a b.f, husband, and kids come first, but to completely disappear or start acting a lot more distant and ignoring almost all calls and emails is rude. Does any other women notice that too and wonder why it's so hard to make female friends? Some women seem to have no trouble making friends with other women wherever they go and I wish that I knew their secret!

[The_little_didgee]

I have this problem too. I'm 36 and never had a close female friendship. The few friends I have are male. These are real friendships that don't involve benefits.

Women seem to use a lot of nonverbal communication. I cannot seem to decode it no matter how hard I try. It would be so much easier if they were a lot more direct. Men tend to be more direct which makes navigating social interactions with them a lot easier.

The other reason I cannot seem to form friendships with other ladies is my lack of interest in things that most ladies seem to enjoy. I'm not interested in makeup, clothing, having children, getting married etc... For example, I haven't met one lady who is interested in mycology and willing to go look for mushrooms with me.

Ladies who meet me for the first time show initial interest but soon lose it. It happens all the time so I don't expect anything.

I'm a loyal friend. I'm also kind, ethical and honest. I don't gossip, backstab, and commit other nasty acts and drama. I tend to be cautious around other women, because I have been a target of a lot of their nasty acts.

Sorry, I don't know what to suggest. Socializing is really hard for me, because I'm also shy and introverted.

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I have this problem too. I'm 36 and never had a close female friendship. The few friends I have are male. These are real friendships that don't involve benefits.

Women seem to use a lot of nonverbal communication. I cannot seem to decode it no matter how hard I try. It would be so much easier if they were a lot more direct. Men tend to be more direct which makes navigating social interactions with them a lot easier.

The other reason I cannot seem to form friendships with other ladies is my lack of interest in things that most ladies seem to enjoy. I'm not interested in makeup, clothing, having children, getting married etc... For example, I haven't met one lady who is interested in mycology and willing to go look for mushrooms with me.

Ladies who meet me for the first time show initial interest but soon lose it. It happens all the time so I don't expect anything.

I'm a loyal friend. I'm also kind, ethical and honest. I don't gossip, backstab, and commit other nasty acts and drama. I tend to be cautious around other women, because I have been a target of a lot of their nasty acts.

Sorry, I don't know what to suggest. Socializing is really hard for me, because I'm also shy and introverted.

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You're right, most women tend to be more indirect. I'm not good at reading their social cues either unless it's obvious. At least you're able to have some good friendships with male friends that is nothing more than that. I don't trust most guys. I only have one good male friend that I rarely ever see, but we keep in touch on FB.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried looking for female friends to go mushroom picking with you on meetup.com? It's free to join and there is a group for just about everything on there. You can even start your own group, but you have to pay them a monthly fee for that.

I'm the same way as you are. I'm loyal and I'm not into backstabbing and being nasty, fake, etc...I'm sorry to hear that you were a target of some women's nastiness- I have been bullied a lot by other females for most of my life. I rarely get bullied anymore, but I have been bullied online by a few nasty females. They have no problem acting "tough" on here and when they're in groups, LOL! I don't get why some women tend to be so passive-aggressive and judgmental, ugh!

I'm going to send you a friend request now and maybe we can chat sometime? I find that I tend to get along the most with other shy women, or those who are independent thinkers.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

You're right, most women tend to be more indirect. I'm not good at reading their social cues either unless it's obvious. At least you're able to have some good friendships with male friends that is nothing more than that. I don't trust most guys. I only have one good male friend that I rarely ever see, but we keep in touch on FB.

The two men are not stereotypical guys. One has a psychiatric disorder and the other has cerebral palsy. I can really relate to others who have been marginalized by society. It is as if we have made our own unique place in society.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried looking for female friends to go mushroom picking with you on meetup.com? It's free to join and there is a group for just about everything on there. You can even start your own group, but you have to pay them a monthly fee for that.

There are no mushroom groups in my area that are listed on meetup.com. Mycology isn't exactly a popular interest so I am not surprised there are no listings. I'm too shy to create a group at the moment. There is a local mycology group but it is in French. Unfortunately I can barely converse in that language so it is not an option.

I recently found a beading class at an aboriginal community center that I really enjoy. The people who attend are diverse and interesting. I find doing an activity with others helps to start and maintain conversation. Have you tried a craft group?

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I'm the same way as you are. I'm loyal and I'm not into backstabbing and being nasty, fake, etc...I'm sorry to hear that you were a target of some women's nastiness- I have been bullied a lot by other females for most of my life. I rarely get bullied anymore, but I have been bullied online by a few nasty females. They have no problem acting "tough" on here and when they're in groups, LOL! I don't get why some women tend to be so passive-aggressive and judgmental, ugh!

I'm no longer bullied too.

The online world is a lot harder to navigate than the physical one. People tend to be a lot more abrasive because they are hidden behind a screen. It is also harder to socialize with people online because there are no nonverbal signals to back the words up. This is the reason why I have never had much success with online friendships.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I'm going to send you a friend request now and maybe we can chat sometime? I find that I tend to get along the most with other shy women, or those who are independent thinkers.

Sure we can chat. I have accepted your friend request.

Didgee

[hvert]

Too bad you don't live nearby -- I am a mushroom hunter too! I tried a local group but they were very unfriendly. I found a friendlier one but actually like hunting solo so I can keep my good picking spots a secret

I am in my mid-30s and have always preferred to have friendships with men. After meeting my boyfriend, I felt a little weird doing that and have switched to trying to find female friends. It is different. I enjoy some of my friendships with women, but I also find that they take a lot more energy to keep up.

Meetups can really vary area by area. I have not enjoyed the people I've met through Meetup in my area. I have had better luck meeting people through classes that go on for a few months. I was pretty happy with the gardening class I took last spring -- there was a great mix of people.

Didgee, thanks for accepting my friend request- At least you have two friends that you can talk to. Yeah, people like us need to stick together as most people tend to not want to befriend people with mental health issues unless they have similar issues usually-

Sorry to hear that you don't have any way of connecting with other mushroom enthusiasts. That's great that you're no longer a victim of bullying! Yeah, people on-line can be horrible! Ironically, I find it easier to be friends with most people online as I tend to be more open and a little less anxious talking to most of them!

I'm usually a little nervous at first when meeting new people, ugh! Most people can tell that I'm shy which sucks! Thankfully I think that I found two new women that I might end up being friends with. One is from meetup and she's the organizer of a women's group. She's disabled, so she's limited in how often she can go out. She's really nice. Also, this other woman seems OK and supposedly she agreed to hang out with me again this Friday for the second time, but I haven't heard back from her yet.

Hopefully I will soon. I just hope that she's not another flake. Anyways, you and hvert should be friends as you both are into mushrooms. Having an on-line friend to talk to is better than not having any friends at all.

[quote=hvert;3934200]Too bad you don't live nearby -- I am a mushroom hunter too! I tried a local group but they were very unfriendly. I found a friendlier one but actually like hunting solo so I can keep my good picking spots a secret

I am in my mid-30s and have always preferred to have friendships with men. After meeting my boyfriend, I felt a little weird doing that and have switched to trying to find female friends. It is different. I enjoy some of my friendships with women, but I also find that they take a lot more energy to keep up.
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It sounds like you and didgee should be friends since you both are around the same age and you both share the same interest in mushrooms! Taking classes is a better way to meet people I think, but it costs money to attend a class.

I did that years ago by taking a few classes at a community college, but I found that I was usually the oldest person in each class! Maybe I should look into taking an adult cooking class sometime. Sometimes female friendships do take more energy. Sometimes I find myself having to listen to the same drama over and over again and it's kind of annoying!

At the same time, I might be annoying to some of my friends at times too! I try not to be though! Most of the time friendships with men are easier, but there is only so many things that you can talk to them about. I like being able to talk about girly things like makeup, female problems, relationships, and stuff like that!

[hvert]

Be on the lookout for classes that don't cost money! I have had success with that-- although I am usually one of the youngest people in the class since 'free' is popular with retired folk These kinds of classes are often connected with volunteering in some way. I did a 3 month local history course in exchange for a 20 hour volunteer commitment.

My mother has done an adult cooking class and enjoyed it. It sounds like a very social class. I keep eyeballing a pottery course, but it's expensive and I am not very crafty.

Originally Posted by hvert

Be on the lookout for classes that don't cost money! I have had success with that-- although I am usually one of the youngest people in the class since 'free' is popular with retired folk These kinds of classes are often connected with volunteering in some way. I did a 3 month local history course in exchange for a 20 hour volunteer commitment.

My mother has done an adult cooking class and enjoyed it. It sounds like a very social class. I keep eyeballing a pottery course, but it's expensive and I am not very crafty.

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Those are great ideas. I'd like to take a cooking class sometime. Even if it does cost more money than I'd like to spend, it's a useful skill! Also, I'm sure that my husband would love it if I could improve my average cooking and baking skills!

[hvert]

Hmm, you may want to check with your state's cooperative extension for free or very cheap cooking classes -- I just learned about them recently! The ones here are focused on nutrition and frugal cooking.

[woundedsoul]

I've had the same problem myself. I've really only had two good friends my whole life, and that's just been recently, and they moved away a few years ago, which has made me extra depressed. I'm really outgoing, and can make friends anywhere, but it seems like people just end up not wanting to make the effort to be friends with me. I really believe that it's me. I don't know what else ito can be. I know that I have BPD, but does that automatically make people not like you? I'm still a kind, caring, honest, loyal friend. And, I really try to keep my insecurities hidden from people. I have a my therapy appt, I'll be back.

[HeavyFeather]

This article struck me because I am 25 and have 1 female friend in a neighboring state
I visit every so often. In my home state my only friends outside of my partner is a 50 something yr old woman. I find most friendships distract me due to lack of shared interests. Im a highly sensitive person, so with this the indirect communication as explained earlier are a common thing I run into -is quite the turn off.
I also ran into the envy of females often. Since my life is "ideal" to some women -which Id beg to differ. This creates an unfriendly energy directed towards me, so this pushes me to create distance. As Ive told my better half, Id love a female to be close to -sisterly like, which almost seems impossible..

[MoxieDoxie]

47......no female friends and can't seem to even get them to go shopping with me or even do girly things together. I give up. I do try. I hang out at the gym in a group and chat their chat. Someon suggested I come off as an alpha female and that keeps others at a distance. It could be an invisible wall I have up that puts out this vibe. Meet up groups are something my T suggested but anything I was interested in was 40 miles away like the small dog meet up.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not have this problem, but I want to comment on your general expectation of getting one-to-one friendships out of meetups.

There is a certain enclosed space created within a meetup. I enjoy conversing with women during the meetup and enjoy seeing them again next month (I go to a monthly meetup). In fact, I very much look forward to my next meetup and seeing the women there will sure brighten up my day (evening, to be exact). But I would not want to have a separate relationship with any of those women outside of the meetup.

It is possible that you are dealing with women who have the same expectations that I have - i.e. that a meetup is a meetup and it is great, but there is a boundary around it and I would not want Meetup bleeding into the rest of my life.

[norwegianwoman]

Hi! This is an interesting subject. I both can, and cannot, relate.

I had this problem a lot when I was a child. I was always a so-called "tomboy" (hate that term, it's gendered, while it's really more about different personality traits) who mostly had male friends all through kindergarten and my first years of elementary. They were more fun to be with, really. I got one good female friend from kindergarten, she was very different from me - more reserved and careful, but we are best friends to this day (I am 23 now) and now I would probably also say she handles a lot of social situations much better than me.

Things changed when I started wanting other things from a friendship. I still wasn't really all that interested in guys or make-up, but I was interested in having someone besides my mom to talk to about everything from menstruation and sex to feelings. These things I was not comfortable talking to most of my male friends about (feelings and sex are great subjects to talk with guys about, IMO, but not everything else) etc. I don't really know what changed, I entered puberty and probably started developing differently than I had, I must've changed a bit as a person I think. Either way I got some really good friends - mostly female - at upper elementary, or junior high as it is called in the US, and we grew from children to adolescents together and most of us are still great friends to this day. I joined in their conversations even though I knew nothing or cared nothing about it and I tried my best to understand how they thought and felt. That is key.

We are friends, I love them and trust them, I love meeting them, and I can talk to them about virtually everything. But we are still very different people, with different interests. For example: One girl is very much into horseback riding, she loves horses etc. I could not care less. Personally I have always cared very much for politics, which none of those friends really care about (I have another group of friends who do, because I eventually joined a political organization as a youth - wonderful decision, met many with similiar interests - and that best friend from kindergarten also happens to be interested in that and was a member of a different org., so we sort of have a group of friends in common now). And, I think, for a lot of people, that is the hardest to accept. That they are passionate about something their friends really don't have any interest for. The friend might be polite and ask, or they might go with you to some event to try to understand it because it means so much to you, but that doesn't mean they will feel what you do. We need to accept that friends are different, that it is hard to find a friend with exactly the same interests, etc.

Also, in my opinion, people have different definitions of friends - some people consider friends those they hang out with, for instance those they meet in social gatherings, those they meet in the pub or at dinner parties, even if they don't have a relationship outside of that. Simply the "someone to do stuff with"-definition.

Other consider friends those they can confide in. My experience is that the frustration and confusion you are describing often happens when those two clash, when one calls you a friend and means "someone who is fun to be with" and you call them the same and mean "someone I can trust and confide in". That means two people with very different definitions of friendship, which leads to different expectations. It also leads to some people being uncomfortable with being called someone's friend if they feel they do not really know them that well, for instance.

Lastly: I have always been a very social and outgoing person, but I still feel like I just don't get it and no one has exposed me for it yet. I still somehow end "out of the loop" in a lot of situations or don't understand double meanings in people's communication. I can push people away by bleing blunt and I can feel all alone in a room full of people - who are talking to me. But practice helps, you start to get it after a while. Even if you are a more direct person yourself.

And some of the women you've met, who are very dramatic, impolite or even bullies, seem like horrible people. There is no need to try to get friends with them.

As a footnote, it might be sad, but I honestly think we will always feel a bit alone. We will never really understand others or they us, completely. We will still sometimes feel a book or a stranger online is our most trusted companion, because we open ourselves to them in a different way. I think it is like this most of our lives. The trick is to find someone who understands that you feel that and show that they feel the same way, who are also nice to be with and who you can talk to about issues in your life.

[hvert]

I have been thinking about this more. I seem to have trouble making friends my own age. Most of the people I meet are older, often a good deal older, in their 60s (I am in my 30s). It's a combination of my interests and my schedule, I think. My retired friends are available to meet during the day, when I am. People my age are busy with families and careers.

It's starting to frustrate me, though. I just joined a social/volunteer group without researching it first and the next youngest person is in her 60s. Most of the others are in their 70s. I am just tired of socializing almost exclusively with people who are so much older.

[SnailLover]

I have had a hard time making women friends as well. I have just decided to put this on the back burner until my life straightens out. I'm a bit lonely but it can wait. I have financial issues (Can't go out/do things that friends do), Can't invite people over (Room mate is a hoarder)and I don't want to explain why, it's embarrassing and haven't found free meetup groups in the area I'm interested in. Lastly I get a lot of "looks" when people learn that I'm not just visiting this country I live here. The go home type looks. So I think in the future when things turn around I will try again but in maybe more urban areas and maybe contact other expats to meet up.

I have in the past had a few female friends but I too got the "let's hang out" the nothing. I think the worst thing is they tell you they will invite you to go to X movie and you wait and wait. Nothing. Then the next day at work you overhear them talking to your co-workers which were all invited sans you to see the movie with her. I've had people tell me to come over to their house for a craft day to hang out then the night before cancel saying their Cronic Fatigue Syndrome is acting up. (3 times this happened) then see people posting pictures on facebook a couple days later of her with 6 or so guests over, out at teahouses or at a party on the day she cancelled. I don't put too much energy towards relationships with women anymore. If they want to hang out, then fine, if not I wouldn't sit at home waiting by the phone anymore. To be clear I've had this happen with guys but only really immature ones. Something better came up so they cancelled.

I like the idea of having older friends though, even 60 year olds wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't want all 60's though.

[hvert]

I like having a wide variety of friends, so I don't mind a range of ages - but I just feel like I am sort of stuck in a pattern lately.

Doing active things with my older friends can be discouraging. A lot of them are not willing to accept their physical limitations. They see me as a great activity partner, because I am young and won't slow them down their other friends their age do... but they slow me down!

I had lunch last week with someone my age who is going through the same stuff I am going through and it just really reminded me how much I miss that kind of connection.

Originally Posted by woundedsoul

I've had the same problem myself. I've really only had two good friends my whole life, and that's just been recently, and they moved away a few years ago, which has made me extra depressed. I'm really outgoing, and can make friends anywhere, but it seems like people just end up not wanting to make the effort to be friends with me. I really believe that it's me. I don't know what else ito can be. I know that I have BPD, but does that automatically make people not like you? I'm still a kind, caring, honest, loyal friend. And, I really try to keep my insecurities hidden from people. I have a my therapy appt, I'll be back.

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You're lucky that you're outgoing! It's so much harder to make friends when you're shy! Most people write you off almost right away usually if they're outgoing and you're not it seems like. Anyways, maybe you've been meeting the wrong type of people lately.

I sometimes open up to people about my insecurities, but I think that most people can tell that I'm not the most confident person there is right away- Even though my anxiety and depression aren't as bad as it used to be, I still find it challenging to socialize in groups sometimes. I have made the mistake of telling a few friends in the past about my insecurities and depression, and some have understood, and some people have become more distant from me after finding that out.

It seems like sometimes people can sense when something about a person is different. A lot of people seem to be scared or unsure of how to react to people who are different. If someone is going to automatically reject you for having BPD, then to hell with them. Who needs judgemental people in their life? Maybe you'd have better luck joining a meetup group to find like minded people that you have more in common with.

There are even support groups that you can find on there to meet other people like you IRL. Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time making friends too. Apparently we aren't the only ones with this problem, so don't feel to bad-

Originally Posted by HeavyFeather

This article struck me because I am 25 and have 1 female friend in a neighboring state
I visit every so often. In my home state my only friends outside of my partner is a 50 something yr old woman. I find most friendships distract me due to lack of shared interests. Im a highly sensitive person, so with this the indirect communication as explained earlier are a common thing I run into -is quite the turn off.
I also ran into the envy of females often. Since my life is "ideal" to some women -which Id beg to differ. This creates an unfriendly energy directed towards me, so this pushes me to create distance. As Ive told my better half, Id love a female to be close to -sisterly like, which almost seems impossible..

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You sound a lot like me, especially when I was younger. I only had two online friends that I saw only a few times a year who both lived far away from me when I was in my 20's as well as a few people that I talked to online, but I only had those two friends at the time. I'm also a highly sensitive person who has issues with indirect communication and jealousy issues too sometimes.

I don't have the ideal lifestyle IMHO, but I DO have a much better life than most of my friends. First of all, I don't work right now aside from doing temp jobs once in awhile. I have traveled to Europe, Asia, and a few other places in the U.S. I have no kids to look after, no job or boss that causes me stress, etc...I still have problems though just like everyone else does. I'm a great friend and the least jealous person there is, but sometimes I feel that some women are jealous of me, including my best friend.

For example, she used to compliment me a lot on how I look. She hasn't done that after her life started getting worse and worse for her. She stopped calling and emailing me as often too after awhile. She is dealing with a lot of difficulities now, but all of this happened long before she had to deal with all the crap she is dealing with now.

I have also noticed that after some time a lot of female friends will become more distant from me, and I could never quite figure out why that is. It seems odd that the more that they get to know me, the less they end up liking me over time which is weird. They tend to be more independent, so maybe they look down on me since I'm not as strong as them? I don't know, but it's stupid. I'm always good to them, so that makes no sense to me. I'm usually the one who initiates the calls, emails, invites, etc...

Can you give me example of this negative energy that you get from other women? It almost seems like we're wired differently from other women in a good way of course! I tend to be direct and honest with other people. I'm also not afraid to speak my mind usually, especially when someone is being rude or treating me unfairly. I'm direct but nice though! It's so weird to how some people express interest in wanting to be friends at first, and then I never hear from them again, weird!

@Everyone on here that I didn't respond to yet, I will get back to all of you soon! Thanks so much for reading my post and posting your responses! It's sort of nice to know that I'm not all alone when it comes to dealing with all of this! Sorry for the slow response! I tend to get tired, depressed, and overwhelmed sometimes! I'm going out now with my husband-

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

47......no female friends and can't seem to even get them to go shopping with me or even do girly things together. I give up. I do try. I hang out at the gym in a group and chat their chat. Someon suggested I come off as an alpha female and that keeps others at a distance. It could be an invisible wall I have up that puts out this vibe. Meet up groups are something my T suggested but anything I was interested in was 40 miles away like the small dog meet up.

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I'm sorry to hear that- Although I do have four female friends with now, they can't go out that often, or they don't want to sometimes. I'm fine with going shopping by myself. I know that there are a few fashion and clothing groups on meetup.com, so maybe you can look into that? You have to keep looking and click on as many interests as you can to find out about the lastest meetups near you that might interest you.

Although I'm shy, I have managed to find four female friends on there since I joined the site a few years ago. Maybe you'd be better off looking for women who are also strong alpha female types. Are there any classes in your area that you can take to meet new women? Have you tried making the first move by inviting someone out? It's hard finding other women to become friends with as you get older, that's for sure!

It doesn't help that some women seem to be very picky when it comes to who they end up chosing as friends. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm being dismissed and rejected for not being a certain way. It's just this weird feeling that I get. Maybe me not having kids has something to do with it. It's hard to say for sure.

[ChipperMonkey]

I can identify with what you've said. I find that its quite difficult to cultivate female relationships. I like "girly" things, but I don't like doing them with other females, if that makes sense! I mean I wear makeup and such, but I'm not the kind of female who likes to talk about it with other females. I like to dress nicely and wear feminine clothes, but again, its not something I am really into in that I don't like to discuss fashion and shopping isn't all that fun for me. The list of typical female activities goes on and on.

I am single, but I wouldn't rule out being friends with a married woman who didn't have kids. Once a woman has kids, the topics of conversation tend to revolve around the kids, and it really does bore me.

Then again, I have additional baggage in that I was abused as a child by 2 different females, so the trust factor is pretty much shot. I am ok with being friends with only guys. Its so much easier for me to be friends with a guy as I don't have to deal with being triggered, and I oftentimes feel that guys are much more likely to have my back whereas the competitive nature of females means they rather stab me in the back!

One day I'll work on it more, but for now I'm ok where I'm at.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not have this problem, but I want to comment on your general expectation of getting one-to-one friendships out of meetups.

There is a certain enclosed space created within a meetup. I enjoy conversing with women during the meetup and enjoy seeing them again next month (I go to a monthly meetup). In fact, I very much look forward to my next meetup and seeing the women there will sure brighten up my day (evening, to be exact). But I would not want to have a separate relationship with any of those women outside of the meetup.

It is possible that you are dealing with women who have the same expectations that I have - i.e. that a meetup is a meetup and it is great, but there is a boundary around it and I would not want Meetup bleeding into the rest of my life.

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I'm glad to hear that you like your meetup group- I'm not sure about the other people in my meetup groups as I have barely talked to most of them aside from saying hi. I've talked to a few one on one and in a small group setting, but I have only been able to connect with 4 women so far over the course of 2 or 3 years.

I never thought of what you mentioned above, about how some women might just want to socialize in a group setting instead of getting to know just one person outside the group. I always thought that people who go to these meetups do want to find other people to hang out with one on one or in a small group. It is possible that some people just want a group to hang out with. Thanks for pointing that out.

Originally Posted by norwegianwoman

Hi! This is an interesting subject. I both can, and cannot, relate.

I had this problem a lot when I was a child. I was always a so-called "tomboy" (hate that term, it's gendered, while it's really more about different personality traits) who mostly had male friends all through kindergarten and my first years of elementary. They were more fun to be with, really. I got one good female friend from kindergarten, she was very different from me - more reserved and careful, but we are best friends to this day (I am 23 now) and now I would probably also say she handles a lot of social situations much better than me.

Things changed when I started wanting other things from a friendship. I still wasn't really all that interested in guys or make-up, but I was interested in having someone besides my mom to talk to about everything from menstruation and sex to feelings. These things I was not comfortable talking to most of my male friends about (feelings and sex are great subjects to talk with guys about, IMO, but not everything else) etc. I don't really know what changed, I entered puberty and probably started developing differently than I had, I must've changed a bit as a person I think. Either way I got some really good friends - mostly female - at upper elementary, or junior high as it is called in the US, and we grew from children to adolescents together and most of us are still great friends to this day. I joined in their conversations even though I knew nothing or cared nothing about it and I tried my best to understand how they thought and felt. That is key.

We are friends, I love them and trust them, I love meeting them, and I can talk to them about virtually everything. But we are still very different people, with different interests. For example: One girl is very much into horseback riding, she loves horses etc. I could not care less. Personally I have always cared very much for politics, which none of those friends really care about (I have another group of friends who do, because I eventually joined a political organization as a youth - wonderful decision, met many with similiar interests - and that best friend from kindergarten also happens to be interested in that and was a member of a different org., so we sort of have a group of friends in common now). And, I think, for a lot of people, that is the hardest to accept. That they are passionate about something their friends really don't have any interest for. The friend might be polite and ask, or they might go with you to some event to try to understand it because it means so much to you, but that doesn't mean they will feel what you do. We need to accept that friends are different, that it is hard to find a friend with exactly the same interests, etc.

Also, in my opinion, people have different definitions of friends - some people consider friends those they hang out with, for instance those they meet in social gatherings, those they meet in the pub or at dinner parties, even if they don't have a relationship outside of that. Simply the "someone to do stuff with"-definition.

Other consider friends those they can confide in. My experience is that the frustration and confusion you are describing often happens when those two clash, when one calls you a friend and means "someone who is fun to be with" and you call them the same and mean "someone I can trust and confide in". That means two people with very different definitions of friendship, which leads to different expectations. It also leads to some people being uncomfortable with being called someone's friend if they feel they do not really know them that well, for instance.

Lastly: I have always been a very social and outgoing person, but I still feel like I just don't get it and no one has exposed me for it yet. I still somehow end "out of the loop" in a lot of situations or don't understand double meanings in people's communication. I can push people away by bleing blunt and I can feel all alone in a room full of people - who are talking to me. But practice helps, you start to get it after a while. Even if you are a more direct person yourself.

And some of the women you've met, who are very dramatic, impolite or even bullies, seem like horrible people. There is no need to try to get friends with them.

As a footnote, it might be sad, but I honestly think we will always feel a bit alone. We will never really understand others or they us, completely. We will still sometimes feel a book or a stranger online is our most trusted companion, because we open ourselves to them in a different way. I think it is like this most of our lives. The trick is to find someone who understands that you feel that and show that they feel the same way, who are also nice to be with and who you can talk to about issues in your life.

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Thanks for your detailed response- I get what you're telling me. My definition of a real friendship is deeper than what most people would consider to be a friend these days. I can't call someone a true friend until I can feel safe with trusting them with my personal information and secrets.

As for being "friends" with those women that you mentioned, of course I'm no longer "friends" with them. I never was to begin with. We got along OK at first, but after awhile, things changed and I'm not sure why they did exactly. I'd much rather be alone than have the same bad or mostly indifferent "friends" that I used to have at times. These days I no longer even comment on "friends" pages most of the time. I only keep certain people on FB due to their entertaining or interesting posts and pics.