[tufan]

Maybe I read the internet too much...but I am really convinced from my reading that men want something that I am not. That something seems to be basically Barbie with giant tits, plastic looking skin and anime eyes. I don't feel as optimistic about dating men as I did before my jacked up marriage. With freedom just around the corner, of course I think about getting 'back out there', so to speak, not looking for anything serious of course, but I'm hanging on to a shred of hope that maybe I'm not too geriatric to find a dude to at least share quality time with, eventually? I am very shy and I do not flirt. I don't think I am so terribly ugly but maybe men think I am? I have only had a couple of them approach me in a year's time to tell me they think I am pretty or whatever. I admit that I don't seek men out and I look away any time I catch one looking at me. I guess if I were better looking there would have been more. I know men only care about how we look, so I make sure I don't eat a lot so I stay at 18.3 - 19.0 BMI. I keep my hair neat for the most part unless I am having Dark Days (like now, so today's supermarket trip I will be hiding in a hoodie), I never smell because I enjoy my bathing routine, I make my own facial products that work pretty well and I take great care of my teeth. But it's not enough, is it?

I want to hear at least one real story from a lady in my age range (30-35) about how it is and what you feel these men want. It feels so hostile and like they all want teenagers and I don't want to play anymore reindeer games because I am too done with that. I think I would be sad if men found me too old before I even sprouted grey hair and a true deep wrinkle, just because I'm not 20 anymore. I'd like to believe there is a chance that I will get the kind of love I always wanted in due time, but since I'm a woman I guess my time is running out.

[vonmoxie]

I met my wonderful but since passed husband when I was in my young 30's; and after a quasi-accidental sabbatical of 5 years I just started dated someone surprisingly awesome now in my late 40's, who is even a little younger than me. I wasn't looking to meet a guy, but I was socializing at the time I met him, just enjoying getting to know people on a person-to-person basis, and we just got along really well. It's only been a few weeks right now but we keep being happily surprised by what we learn about one another, and I think love may well be in the offing.

I have high standards for the kind of person I want to date.. but have found that if I'm patient eventually I meet just that kind of person. I like someone down-to-earth, kind, etc., and I make the effort to be those things too.. it can take some time, but it's a relief for all involved to finally meet someone who has similar values.

It does help to be social. The more people you meet, the more chances you have of making real connections. And don't fret about the men who are looking for a Barbie-type.. just be thankful that they are self-filtering themselves out of the running for you by showing how their values are skewed. Good riddance! I think a smart and good person is looking for someone real, so that you need only be yourself, and not worry about what shallow persons might be "looking for". Confidence is actually the sexiest feature a person can have, IMO.

[tufan]

Thanks Vonmoxie! I appreciate your reply. I'm trying hard to be confident in my abilities because I just don't think all that much of my looks. But I have learned so much because my soon to be ex husband was essentially a worthless lump. I know how to take care of myself and my house quite efficiently. I can handle minor repairs and even minor plumbing issues! I learned out of necessity from watching youtube videos. I really pride myself on not being the typical 'helpless' female trope. I guess I also have confidence in my intelligence because I can figure out most things fairly easily and quickly...except other people, gender regardless. I'm in my own head so much that I'm not really 'on deck' with other humans. I guess I need to work on that.

[marmaduke]

The way most people find love now seems to be on Internet dating sites.
It can be lets say 'interesting' and takes patience and time to find a suitable mate.
You might have to kiss a few frogs before you find prince charming.

One thing more thing, you say you are very capable as your ex was a useless lump. Same as me! I actually found I was more capable than most males I met.
I can put up a shelf, deal with spiders etc. I thought l was being impressive but men IMO were secretly irritated by it. Its not PC to say but men rather like it if they can 'rescue' you from spiders and put a shelf up better than yourself.

30 is not remotely old!

From you description of yourself you shouldn't find it too hard.

[CopperStar]

Can't speak for myself, but I have seen/known others in their 30s who meet someone and stay together.

Just remember that a lot of the good, normal guys are shy.

You will see plenty of creepers online aggressively trying to get an 18-year-old hottie, but those guys are generally considered, well, creepers, and most of them will be hunting forever with no results. Then they typically develop nasty bitterness issues like all women are stuck-up betches because they didn't get a line of supermodels excited to sleep with them. Lol. That type of a guy is going to be the most visible online, but they don't represent the majority of guys.

Then you also have to watch out for the "fedora" guys. These guys herald themselves as "nice guys" but they are not actually nice at all. They just think that the way women work is that you keep putting "niceness coins" into the slot machine until sex falls out. They also usually wind up being bitter psychos.

Your average, normal, genuine guy is often going to be shy and maybe even outright nervous with women, so you just have to be able to initiate conversations and be friendly with them, give them a little confidence boost. Just try to be outgoing in your day-to-day interactions with people, from the gas station to the grocery store and beyond.

If you go online, while there are for sure diamonds in the rough, you're going to see a lot of 40-year-olds looking for a slim "girl" 18-21 who likes to give head but of course "NO PROSTITUTES" (lmao). Oh and these guys:

[tufan]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

If you go online, while there are for sure diamonds in the rough, you're going to see a lot of 40-year-olds looking for a slim "girl" 18-21 who likes to give head but of course "NO PROSTITUTES" (lmao). Oh and these guys:

Yeah man, these are the kinds of cases I dread running into. These are the kinds of things I read about all over the net and I'm just like "whoa, maybe not then" and I guess I feel this deep sadness that just because I am not perfect and young anymore, that I am a withered elder gnome that should be wearing a babushka and tossing the idea of sex with a man out the window. I tend to assume and presume the worst in most situations and realistically, I know that there are some decent dudes out there and of course that's the kind I hope to meet one day. But 18-21 I am not. Don't even think I'd go back there if time travel were possible, not for a man. I'm way more awesome now. Was dumb as a box of pine cones back then.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by tufan

Yeah man, these are the kinds of cases I dread running into. These are the kinds of things I read about all over the net and I'm just like "whoa, maybe not then" and I guess I feel this deep sadness that just because I am not perfect and young anymore, that I am a withered elder gnome that should be wearing a babushka and tossing the idea of sex with a man out the window. I tend to assume and presume the worst in most situations and realistically, I know that there are some decent dudes out there and of course that's the kind I hope to meet one day. But 18-21 I am not. Don't even think I'd go back there if time travel were possible, not for a man. I'm way more awesome now. Was dumb as a box of pine cones back then.

You seem to be focused entirely on what you have to offer, and then to be hyper-focusing on d-bags on the internet. I think that would make most women feel depressed to be honest.

You're honing in on an extreme - loser d-bags who want barbie. And then it's like.. Oh no, I'm not barbie, I will never be able to have a loser d-bag of my own.

Like, why would you want a loser d-bag in the first place? If anything it's good that they are focused on finding barbie so that they don't bother the rest of us.

Most men just want a soft, warm body that smells good next to them at night, with a personality that will be loyal and kind to them.

So why are you focusing on creepy d-bags and what they want? Do they resonate with experiences you had growing up?

[tufan]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

So why are you focusing on creepy d-bags and what they want? Do they resonate with experiences you had growing up?

Actually looking back, I did have a lot of bad experiences with men when I first started out meeting guys and hanging out/dating. I met losers and a few good dudes as well. To be honest, I think most dudes want as young as a chick that they can get (like for me, realistically, I am looking for maybe a 40-50 year old guy because guys my age probably want 20-somethings..) from what I see irl and what these dudes claim is true about evo psych and their 'male natures' and 'needs' and what not. I'm not trying to paint all dudes as dbags, but I think that on this level, most of them think this way and it is kinda dbaggy.

I question my biology all the time, "why the eff do I LONG for a being that likely views me as a lesser human being, likely reduces me and all my sisters to body parts and most likely values me for my physical attributes above all else?" I think I just want a few more flings and maybe one day have a dude that will be able to get me and connect with me. However, I do understand that we have to contend with their 'natures' just as much as they have to contend with ours. Let's be real, right now that plastic fake look is in like a mother, and it's bad news for Plain Janes and the make-up inept like myself because (of hollywood and media and internet in everyone's face 24/7) men want the perfect airbrushed look. Even older ladies like Sophia Vegara(sp?) can pull off that plastic skin perfect look, so it's not just young women, but she's super rich so, an anomaly. But the irl women that can make the look that's 'in' right now are the ones dudes are checking for. I think it's just the way men are right now in history.

We are now saturated in media more than any other time, of course they want the perfection they see on the magazines and TV shows. Look how even the most modest male acts over a bro-flick type movie with a 'hot' actress or actresses in it. Look how 'decent' men act when seeing images in Maxim...most of them beat off to it in private, for example. You see what I'm saying? Their desire for perfect is not exclusive to their vocal (and numerous) dbag sector. It's just what most of them want.

[ChipperMonkey]

How do you know this is *for sure* what every guy wants if you haven't even gotten back out there yet?

[Raindropvampire]

I didn't get married until I was 31(I was a bit of a commitmentphobe). I'm now 39 and I am definitely the exact opposite of a barbie but I get hit on all the time. I seriously would not have to work if I had $1 for every time I heard "I don't normally like big girls but there's just something about you." That special something is confidence. I know what I bring to the table and you better be worth it if I'm going to give you my time. I honestly believe if you are confident in yourself it draws others to you.

Also I think you seriously underestimate men. Maybe i'm lucky but the vast majority of men I meet are interested in the person not the body. I'm not saying they don't think a smoking body and face aren't a plus but they value substance over style. If all you are meeting are guys that care about looks then maybe try looking in different places than you have been AND looking at guys you normally wouldn't.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Also I think you seriously underestimate men. Maybe i'm lucky but the vast majority of men I meet are interested in the person not the body. I'm not saying they don't think a smoking body and face aren't a plus but they value substance over style. If all you are meeting are guys that care about looks then maybe try looking in different places than you have been AND looking at guys you normally wouldn't.

Thanks for this reply, Raindropvampire. Thing is, I don't have any 'type' of dude in mind. I would be happy with any dude, even a spotted one from Mars as long as he is kind, intelligent, considerate, motivated, gentle and funny. But dudes always have this 'perfect' image they want from us, and if we aren't the cookie cutter facsimile of their fantasy/expectation, then we might as well be kitten chow. I do watch what goes on when I go places with single girlfriends or even alone, I just people watch and I note who the men are breaking their necks and spines to gawk at. It's a trip. You make me feel a little more at ease about this situation, like maybe, it will be ok, I just have to get my overactive fears and presumptions under control. I'm not actually meeting any men right now, totally not ready. I study things before I do them from trial and error of being foolish and impetuous. So, I believe that what I say is true because I watch what men do irl and I read their unfiltered thoughts online. I always watch what they do. Trust that I only want one of the rare ones...not the Ken doll type, but the humane type, that seems even rarer than the Ken unicorn.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

How do you know this is *for sure* what every guy wants if you haven't even gotten back out there yet?

I can't say every, but most? Don't you go to random places and watch how they act when someone sorta close to their 'ideal' (Beyonce, Jessica Alba, Adrianna Lima, etc) strolls in? I'm just a simple chick. I work too hard to get fancy manicures that will just break and be ruined. I don't wear fake eyelashes and fake hairpieces and my skin is what the world sees, not 2 inches of plaster from the MAC. Simple is not enough for most dudes, I do know that for sure, just from general observation.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think your mind is made up about how most guys are and what most guys want. I honestly think your views hold you back more than anything else.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by tufan

I can't say every, but most? Don't you go to random places and watch how they act when someone sorta close to their 'ideal' (Beyonce, Jessica Alba, Adrianna Lima, etc) strolls in? I'm just a simple chick. I work too hard to get fancy manicures that will just break and be ruined. I don't wear fake eyelashes and fake hairpieces and my skin is what the world sees, not 2 inches of plaster from the MAC. Simple is not enough for most dudes, I do know that for sure, just from general observation.

I don't think staring at a stranger is the same thing as wanting any meaningful relationship with them. I think you put too much emphasis on comparisons.

[JLarissaDragon]

I met my husband when I was 31 and married him less than a year later. Now 11 years later I am still very much in love with him. My first husband who I married after we had gotten pregnant in college turned out to be a disaster. Four years later he walked out and shacked up with someone else, leaving me to raise our daughter by myself. In retrospect it was a godsend. He was abusive and slapped me around and derided me constantly. In the end I put my life back together with sheer determination. After finishing my Masters degree and getting some confidence back life began to work again.

The bottom line is this, It is never too late to start over. Just work on yourself. It takes time to do things differently and not believe the old dysfunctional messages that someone has abused you with. Divorce is horrible but it is not the end. Just continually tell yourself that you can do it and the best is yet to come

HUGS

Larissa

I found love post-divorce when I was in my late 30's. We've been together several years now. We met at a local support group, were platonic for six months and then it became more. xo

[tufan]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I found love post-divorce when I was in my late 30's. We've been together several years now. We met at a local support group, were platonic for six months and then it became more. xo

I'm trying to hang on to hope, but after a lot of ruminating and yes, sadly, a lot of wine (and tears)...I have accepted that it is possible that I may be alone forever and I'm trying to be okay with that. I don't even really know if I like men anymore anyway, looking around at what they do to women as a collective. Can I justify my desire for sex with putting up with one of them again? I don't think I can. I don't think the kind of man I want exists in sufficient quantity to even merit having hope that I might encounter him before I indeed look like a withered she-gnome in a scarf.

Can we get surgery to stop wanting sex? Will ovary removal kill the desire? I really want to know because more than anything I want quality of life without this stupid mess haunting me like a foul fog. I'd just as soon be done with it completely and focus on myself. Yes, MYSELF.

[Pikku Myy]

Yes, but it was not easy to gain the confidence again.

[divine1966]

I am turning 50 and just got engaged to a wonderful man ( second marriage for both). I look nice but ain't a Barbie. I sure never wore fake eyelashes. Just saying

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I meet my now fiancé when I was 39 on an online site. 6.5 years later we will be married. He seemed like a player and I Was hesitant at first. Once we got to talking then eventually meeting I knew he wasn't (anymore). I wasn't wrong in my initial assesment but life and maturing changed his ways in his first marriage. I am getting the better version. He never cheated on first wife and never cheated on me. They are out there. They Will have baggage. Its how they've unpacked and dealt with it that counts. Don't give up.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by Shawkat2009

I meet my now fiancé when I was 39 on an online site. 6.5 years later we will be married. He seemed like a player and I Was hesitant at first. Once we got to talking then eventually meeting I knew he wasn't (anymore). I wasn't wrong in my initial assesment but life and maturing changed his ways in his first marriage. I am getting the better version. He never cheated on first wife and never cheated on me. They are out there. They Will have baggage. Its how they've unpacked and dealt with it that counts. Don't give up.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm glad for you and everyone here. I'm also thankful for the hope you guys have given me. I need to work on myself...a lot.

[specialneedsmom]

I am not sure why the 30 to 35 age range would be considered "too old" to meet someone new or date. Not EVERYONE got married when they were 22.

I think the more difficult problem is dating when you have kids or are still going through a divorce. Not something a lot of men want to deal with, and I can't blame them. They may not be ready to become an instant Dad to someone else's kids. Also, no man wants to hear a woman talk about how bad her ex was. Whenever I dated a man who convinced me his ex-wife was "the devil" it kind of made me wonder about him too. I think its best to just say "I'm divorced, it didn't work out" and leave it at that.

[ladytiger]

Exactly. I'm almost 30 not looking for love my break up instantly hurt me and I'm not interested in any serious relationships.

[arabianhorselover]

I met my wonderful husband when I was 29, and we got married when I was 30. We have been together for 25 years, and have three grown sons. If a man truly loves you, it won't matter to him that your body is not perfect.

[notthisagain]

Maybe it's a good idea to stop reading that junk. I had to stop participating in a message board on relationships on another site because I was getting seriously triggered by the guys posting there that felt entitled to 20 year old supermodels and insinuated that any woman that expected so much as a guy to pay for a date was a golddigger. I internalized that crap and you know who that attracted? Bastards, that's who! It's a shame that some of the most vocal guys on those sites are the most delusional and the least self-aware. But you didn't want those guys anyway.

I am 41, and like I said, I internalized that crap and look where it got me. I don't wear makeup most of the time and dress for comfort, but I still manage to find people to talk to. I'm taking a break because I need to work on myself more than I need anyone's approval right now, but that's a whole different story.